Husband ended marriage after 14 years but insists there's no one else...

[guccigal]

hi everyone
I have come to this board seeking answers like many...

Last month my husband (42) told me crying that our marriage was broken and didn't think he could go on. I know he has been unhappy and withdrawn for a while (and slightly depressed in a high stress job) and I have also not been happy. we have been emotionally and sexually distant for 18 months I would say. However not being happy is not the same as wanting a separation and to move out. We argued over things (my controlling nature apparently) but nothing toxic. We have 2 children 10 and 12. We have a gorgeous house and kids in private school and are lucky financially. He stayed at home for a week then moved in with his parents and he has rented a house 300m away we found that would suit the children. we agreed to have them 60/40 and no issues over this.

However, it all seems so sudden to me..I have asked so many times if there is anyone else, even to the extent of me asking his secretary (who is single)is she was involved as she's the only non coupled female he knows. She denied it and said we need to work it out. The thing is I have checked all records of flights, bank statements, phone records and come up blank..surely if it was there I would see it? He keeps his phone close for work but doesn't actively hide it or take it to the bathroom or anything. He says I'm paranoid and ruining our amicable relationship by asking all these questions when he has denied all. Please let me know..will another women appear? its been month a no one yet and I have driven past his house at night and nothing...I said to him that men don't leave marriages for no reason, women usually leave becuase they cant stand the marriage or some behaviour and his reply was that why can't men leave for that exact reason? My intuition is saying something is not right but my brain and the logical part of me cant find any evidence..help!! is he gaslighting me or am I paranoid?

Your ex has done things right OP. He has left without cheating (probably), he's been amicable and respectful. Don't jeopardise it. See a solicitor as your parents have suggested and try your best not to dwell on the (probably nonexistent) OW.

OP are you listening? It seems many of us have told you how you come across, your own DH has told you yet your minimising. As awful as it is and I understand how upset you are, please start listening and respect the fact you husband has left. Sending my love, it's the worst feeling in the world, I know that, just take time to look after yourself.

It sounds like he's just moved on from the relationship, and from what you say, the signs have been there for a while. I know it makes it easier when there's someone else to blame, but you might just need to accept that he's not that into you anymore.

Spend time focusing on what you do have and you will move on when you're ready.

I echo the sentiment that no right thinking person could write down that they have groundlessly stalked their ex and accused his PA of having an affair with him and not realise they have a problem. That’s a serious lack of insight and a serious lack of impulse control.

I am not even sure this could be justified if he did indeed leave to be with someone else.

OP, regardless of why he made the decision, affair or not affair, he decided to leave. He is not yours. You need to focus on you and I would suggest perhaps looking into the behaviour and trying to understand it and control it.

You've minimised the controlling part quite a lot. You might not think it toxic but he may have. It doesn't sound like you've listened an awful lot."

It's over. Stop looking for answers and stalking his house and ringing his work. He's right, you're going to ruin an amicable relationship. For your kids sake work to maintain it.

^This.
It's over for him, OP. You might find counselling helpful.

I think you need to go back to basics op and ask yourself why somebody might end a relationship.

He doesn't love you anymore so why would he stay? Why would he waste his life being unhappy?
I don't mean to sound cruel but that is a good enough reason.

Not everybody cheats.

Op, would you prefer it he was having an affair? Because this means he would be to blame and not you, and you wouldn't need to address your behaviour?

Reasons he left

I know he has been unhappy and withdrawn for a while

First clue.

I have also not been happy.

Another reason.

we have been emotionally and sexually distant for 18 months I would say.

Another clue

However not being happy is not the same as wanting a separation and to move out.

It is for some people.

I'd follow your parents advice. Get the financials sorted out.

If you're in the UK, you need to be seperated for 2 years before you can get divorced.

I doubt he'd want to live so close to you if he had an OW.

Not every man has an OW waiting for them. If a woman can leave an unhappy marriage, why can't a man.

There are a lot of betrayed spouses and partners on MN, who have been left for the OW.... don't let their projection or experience lead you to make assumptions.

No chance for her to get used to the idea of address the issues. I think this is deeply unfair

OP did have chance. She knew they were both unhappy.

She is clearly very controlling. If your partner is controlling, why do you have to keep giving it another chance.

I would bet £100 he has mentioned her controlling behaviour before. But she wants to ignore it and pretend that he left because HE did something wrong.

Going against the grain somewhat... I feel for you OP. There are some harsh words on here but being told out of the blue that your marriage is over is bloody hard. I know what you mean about almost wanting there to be someone else. Otherwise it’s just facing up to the reality that your marriage isn’t over because he fell in love with someone else, its over because you’re you and for whatever reason that isn’t enough for him any more. It’s totally shit and I understand your reaction.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I can relate fully to the doubt, fear and confusion you’re feeling .. I was you 8 months ago. My husband (together 11 years) got in bed with me, started crying and told me he was no longer in love with me and had been unhappy for 6 months (we had only been married a year when he said he was leaving me) I was broken.. but now I am healing. There was no OW but be prepared for him to move on quickly.. mine met someone else quickly and is now living with her... that hurt but also gave me closure that i’d never go back.

Look after you and your children, spend time with friends and family and I know it hurts but remember this man is no longer the man you loved and married and you have both likely grown in to different people.

You can survive this but you must put yourself and children first xx

If you're in the UK, you need to be seperated for 2 years before you can get divorced.

Just saw the above on a previous post and just wanted to confirm you don’t need to be separated for 2 years to file for divorce, you can file for unreasonable behaviour which is what I did and listed that he was no longer in love with me, the marriage was broken etc. I filed for divorce 8 weeks after he left, it helped me with closure x

I think you are all being really harsh. Being together 20 years of course there are going to be ups and downs. Also it is a shock if he never articulated that he was deeply unhappy with their relationship and op's behavior until it was the goodbye conversation. No chance for her to get used to the idea of address the issues. I think this is deeply unfair

Obviously you shouldn't have called the secretary but desperate people do desperate things and it is v unusual for someone to leave a long relationship without making any efforts to fix it when kids are involved without someone waiting in the wings

I really feel for you, must be a terrible shock

Agree entirely. When did Relationships Board become an extension of AIBU board 'kick a woman when she's down' mentality?🙄

I hope you have someone to talk to and help you through this in real life OP. For now it really is best to start the ball rolling re financial arrangements etc.

Don't rely on what someone tells you they will 'never' do. As you've now found out, you just dont know what people are capable of.

For now go easy on yourself. It's rotten when stuff like this happens.
Any chance of you getting away for a while?💐

Agree entirely. When did Relationships Board become an extension of AIBU board 'kick a woman when she's down' mentality

People have pointed out that the husband was not unreasonable to leave her and call her controlling as it has become very obvious that the OP is controlling. Driving past his house at night, going through his finances, accusing his secretary, all indicate highly controlling behaviour. The controlling acts have been going on throughout their marriage. Controlling behaviour is classed as a form of emotional abuse, which many women on here have experienced. Why should we be supporting an emotional abuser?

Jeez, this is horrible.
The standard response to any of these threads are 'go through credit cards, look for evidence etc.' For some reason this poor poster has been roundly turned upon and called controlling / snooping etc.

Horrible. He may not have someone else, to me, it sounds like he's checked out, men don't tend to leave without an idea of where they are going to go to. I hope you get some closure.

It would be very interesting to hear what the OP might have to say about get husband and the reasons why she was unhappy as well. This thread has become bloody ridiculous. What's the point in getting married in the first place if men can just piss off when they haven't been feeling oh so happy. They gave been together 20 years. He hasn't even tried to work on the marriage. He has left her a single parent. He has turned everyone's lives as they knew it upside down. If she was controlling why didn't he stand up to her? Maybe she is s strong woman. She is an accountant so she not going to be someone without a voice and an opinion. She is being portrayed on here as a dreadful person. She is in shock and is going through hell at the moment. She deserves some compassion.

Ah yes, why don’t all people in relationships with controlling spouses just “stand up to them”?

God, wish I’d thought of that before I left my ex husband (not for another man) because I was desperately unhappy and had to get out before I lost myself completely. That would have made all the difference, he’d have changed and we’d have lived happily ever after

People here say there's usually another women because men seem to have a greater tolerance than women for unhappy relationships. That is until they meet a new women who reminds them what they are missing. Perhaps in this case though there wasn't another woman.

he has said he would never screw me over (I'm an accountant)

Even if he were completely trustworthy, you'd still need a lawyer (ideally a lawyer each) and have everything properly documented.

zerrin he has no obligation to work on his marriage, whatever that even means, or stay in a marriage he is not happy in.

I defy anyone reading this not to find themselves scrabbling around for any scrap of evidence why their partner of twenty years has left them out of the blue. The op is not snooping or controlling by doing this, she is simply trying to make sense of what on earth has happened. This would make me go mad with questions op, please don’t feel ashamed of trying to find the answers.

This threads very harsh. I feel for OP.
I'm going against the grain and say I think he could have OW. Just a feeling from seeing this over and over with people I know. Either way good luck it's horrid situation to be in

you don’t need to be separated for 2 years to file for divorce, you can file for unreasonable behaviour

I know you can file on those grounds and adultery too.

I just meant if none if those applied.

Unreasonable behaviour isn't always easy to prove and in thus case, he may actually say her controlling behaviour was unreasonable.

Many people have tried unreasonable behaviour as grounds, but not succeeded. There was a bug case in the news last year, where the woman wanted a divorce on those grounds and the judge refused.

Even though her H sounded very unreasonable in his behaviour.

What's the point in getting married in the first place if men can just piss off when they haven't been feeling oh so happy.

Women end marriages too, because they aren't happy and usually get more time with their DC.

Women really aren't holier than men. Where a man leaves for an OW, it shows she's no saint.

My DB left an unhappy marriage. He didn't leave for an OW, he'd had years of dissatisfaction.

Where a MM leaves for an OW and the wife attests that they were both unhappy...sex life was non existent or crap...etc.. it's not rocket science to see why the man has left, and being blindsided is as a result of burying your head in the sand.

An unhappy marriage doesn't fix itself. Reminds me of a betrayed wife saying, they hadn't had sex for about 3 years (she wasn't interested) but she was waiting till the kids left home for college to get things back on track. This would have been another 6 years for the eldest. Absolute nonsense!

In the meantime, her DH had an affair and announced he was leaving, as he wanted to be happy. No suprise at all.

hi everyone

we have had a talk last night and wants to see a counsellor together so he can properly get through the loss our marriage and for me to have some closure. He still says there is no OW and I do believe him. He says we were happy as a family but not the 2 of us together, we didn't work together anymore. Someone asked why I was unhappy..I was unhappy because he worked and travelled so much and was always stressed but I enjoyed the fruits of this hard work. I also sacrificed a very high powered job to work part time when we had kids which I willingly did so but it ultimately shifted the balance of power so I am now the one who earns much less. He never wanted to do much the 2 of us, I had to organise our social life as he just liked being with our kids and coaching their sport. We have a friend who's husband ( a lawyer) left her for his girlfriend (another lawyer) who worked in of their other offices across the country. She has 3 primary school age kids and my husband still says he will never be like that guy. Anyway, I was unhappy and he also thinks I deserve to be happy. He has said I have grown paranoid over this and maybe I have. I cant fake a great relationship with our kids around him until this subsides so I need to to get past it or not see him. Also, we have joint Frequent flyer accounts and bank accounts so I haven't been snooping, my name is on everything.