Husband ended marriage after 14 years but insists there's no one else...

[guccigal]

hi everyone
I have come to this board seeking answers like many...

Last month my husband (42) told me crying that our marriage was broken and didn't think he could go on. I know he has been unhappy and withdrawn for a while (and slightly depressed in a high stress job) and I have also not been happy. we have been emotionally and sexually distant for 18 months I would say. However not being happy is not the same as wanting a separation and to move out. We argued over things (my controlling nature apparently) but nothing toxic. We have 2 children 10 and 12. We have a gorgeous house and kids in private school and are lucky financially. He stayed at home for a week then moved in with his parents and he has rented a house 300m away we found that would suit the children. we agreed to have them 60/40 and no issues over this.

However, it all seems so sudden to me..I have asked so many times if there is anyone else, even to the extent of me asking his secretary (who is single)is she was involved as she's the only non coupled female he knows. She denied it and said we need to work it out. The thing is I have checked all records of flights, bank statements, phone records and come up blank..surely if it was there I would see it? He keeps his phone close for work but doesn't actively hide it or take it to the bathroom or anything. He says I'm paranoid and ruining our amicable relationship by asking all these questions when he has denied all. Please let me know..will another women appear? its been month a no one yet and I have driven past his house at night and nothing...I said to him that men don't leave marriages for no reason, women usually leave becuase they cant stand the marriage or some behaviour and his reply was that why can't men leave for that exact reason? My intuition is saying something is not right but my brain and the logical part of me cant find any evidence..help!! is he gaslighting me or am I paranoid?

Some people don't issue ultimatums. They think saying it a few times should be enough.

Depends on the context it was brought up in, and how it was dealt with at the time, surely? If he called her controlling because she phoned up to ask where he was after expecting him back home at a certain time, for example, he might have got the hump and called her controlling, argued, but it's ultimately dealt with and shouldn't be cause for toxic resentment resulting in a sudden divorce. There are many different levels of controlling behavior, we don't know what these were for OP and her dh, but it doesn't sound as if they were addressed sufficiently at the time.
(I have been accused of being too controlling for asking dh to keep me updated about when and where he is working away, it impacts me and DC, so is this controlling? Obviously not to me, but for whatever reason, it is to him. )

Sounds like male mid life crisis. He said he was unhappy so he has left. Perhaps, he is waiting for what he hopes will be a better future. Sounds like you grew apart. He could have stayed and been unhappy, but he has made his choice.

he might have got the hump and called her controlling, argued, but it's ultimately dealt with and shouldn't be cause for toxic resentment resulting in a sudden divorce. There are many different levels of controlling behavior, we don't know what these were for OP and her dh, but it doesn't sound as if they were addressed sufficiently at the time.

So it's his fault he did address it properly? Or he used in when she wasnt.

OP is displaying controlling behaviour. He told her, several times and she didn't address it.

wow..all these people's husbands who swore blind there was no-one else..even when asked repeatedly over weeks and months after the separation? why are men doing this and not manning up and saying it? it seems very cowardly and forces the poor woman (or man in some cases) to double herself and reasons for the marriage fail. I have also asked repeatedly and also cross referenced everything (much to some people here's disgust). Leave for someone else by all means but don't lie..it seems to be a common thread here! We were distant and grew apart yes and don't want to be stuck with each other with nothing in common when kids have left home ...yes I am a strong woman and no I'm not going to put up with any cheating/affair shit that may (or may not) come up... I was also told "you're a good looking girl, you'll find someone else easily"...WTF!!!

He sounds like a decent man who is doing his best to separate with dignity and grace. You seem to have minimised his feelings and only allow him to have them if you deem them acceptable. Whether or not there is another woman - it's over. Focus on your kids and yourself. Maybe think about some individual counselling to address what seems like some seriously behaviour.

guccigal what are you going on about?

OP, by “on here” I take it you mean an anonymous online forum where people can say anything and pretend to be anybody. Like most popular forums MN attracts trolls and fantasists who can post any old nonsense. This doesn’t distract from the honest and truthful posters but it does mean it cannot be a valid or reliable place to gather facts, opinion or evidence.

Studies show that whilst infidelity is the most common cause of relationship breakdowns it is not the only one, even among men. In real life many of us know that to be true.

But you are free to form your own opinions in any way you see fit. What you can’t do is stop your husband leaving you. Or anybody else in your life. That’s just how it is. When that happens you can no longer intrude or interfere into their privacy. You certainly can’t accuse a colleague of his of having an affair.

For one minute think of what the repercussions could have been. She could have reported you for harassment, he could have lost his job or been reprimanded. All this hunt for evidence is doing is making you more and more frustrated. All you will find is trouble. Trouble that you are most probably going to cause for yourself.

You have children together and that means you have a lifetime together. The children need you and your ex to be amicable and grounded. That is your primary responsibility

Am glad that last post got deleted, calling me pathetic. Sorry guys not coming here for advice or opinions again. Thanks to those kind souls that gave me constructive advice and criticism.

I have no idea why this thread took off in the vile way it did.

I'm so sorry op, MN can be absolutely brilliant but for some reason took a wrong turn on this thread. People forget there are real people in great turmoil posting here - for some reason people can't resist inappropriately theorising.

I wish you well, as do many on here, for your recovery and healing from this awful shock - to which your actions and behaviour have been entirely in keeping. I'm sorry you've had a bad experience of MN.

Take care

OP,

I suspect your DH has been very unhappy for a long time and has voiced this to you but you have ignored him. The way you word things it comes across as if you believe he is obliged to stay with you forever despite any downs/unhappiness etc. You really minimise his feelings in the way you post.

There is not always an OW or OM that causes people to leave.

My advice to you is accept that it is over and try and be amicable with him. Yes it hurts but there's nothing you can do about it. If you genuinely want to know why he left, I suggest you ask him to tell you truthfully -and don't do any "yes but it's not that bad" or "you're making too big a deal out of X" if he does tell you why he left because I suspect you will do that as you are in denial right now.

Fyi, my mum left my step dad because he was being a tit and didn't listen to her when she said she was deeply unhappy. Her leaving him was the shock he needed to deeply re-evaluate his life and he genuinely and remorsefully told her he was sorry for being a tit and he wished he could make it better, etc. They had many long conversations, heart to hearts etc and now are back to together. But it took my mum saying she'd had enough and leaving for him to actually take her seriously that she was deeply unhappy with how he was acting.

hello everyone...

an update..for the haters not so much..but for those that are interested and tried to help me..

So we have been going to couples counselling to work out the cause and again its because he said he felt controlled, as we had a dynamic where his communication style was passive and non conflict and I would want to talk about things.Anyway, thats the root cause all was decided. Everything has been fairly amicable otherwise...

UNTIL tonight...my son asked if the dog could be at our house at 8:30 pm so I tried texting him this and no answer...I then drove over there at 8:45 to collect her from the front yard and I see a car in the driveway. I knock on the door and he answers, looks shocked, then I see HER (his secretary that I emailed the once and have been crucified for) sitting on the couch with a glass of champagne, he has one too. There is music on and her dog is there too. She looked hammered. I asked what was going on and she said nothing...that i'm paranoid and should leave. I then got very upset and asked her why she was wrecking a marriage..she said she had a boyfriend that was flying over from the US in a month then she was going there for 3 months and they were discussing whether she would resign or not. Anyway, she accused me of being a psycho and it was innocent, I accused her of being a home wrecker whilst he just sat there and watched!
They were fully clothed and she had dropped a housewarming pot plant around. She said they are just friends, he said really good friends but finds her attractive personality wise but she has a boyfriend but said I would have gone mental if he had said this to me.

I feel I have been truly vindicated but he asked me to leave as I was not invited there. She said some horrible things to me and he never defended me. That is the bit that gets me..Im his (soon to be ex) wife of 14 years and I'm treated like this?

I do feel some sense of vindication tho.Tho he still maintains i'm paranoid. He said they are VERY good friends but we never did anything together because I would be upset and jump to conclusions!

Is he gaslighting me?

He is gaslighting you.
They both are.
Some people enjoy getting one over on others.

Don't overthink it. You'll drive yourself mad.

Back slowly away from these two and get a good family law solicitor. It's over.

I don’t think constantly questioning is going to bring him back. I’m sure it hasn’t helped the relationship by accusing the secretary but in a state of heightened emotion it’s difficult to stay rational. You have to back off and concentrate on yourself and the kids. If he has anyone else then it will come out eventually but not by your volition.

Sorry just tead above message but Im not sure her being there confirms it does it? Just lay it on the line and say whilst there is this ‘abuse’ it is not healthy for him to see kids.

They are awful people.

Move on. Don’t look back and don’t waste another moment thinking about their motives or intentions.

What?? Why should he not see his kids? That's utterly bonkers advice. He may well be telling the truth, there is no way of knowing. But he doesn't want to be with you and says you are controlling, so leave him be.

I don’t think you’ve been vindicated here at all. You and he are living apart. You have no evidence (and you looked for it before) that they were sleeping together and if he was attracted to her then, he seems to have done the right thing and split up from you before doing anything about it.

TBH, you don’t come across well in your posts - your original one or any of the follow ups. It’s understandable that you feel shocked and hurt, but you’ve no “right” to demand answers now you’re split up, and certainly no right to go barging in to his house berating his guests.

Rise above it, stay civil for the sake of your DC and accept he doesn’t want to be with you and that it ultimately doesn’t matter WHY he doesn’t. He just doesn’t.

In the nicest possible way, try to keep hold of your dignity & self-esteem

Focus on your kids & yourself.

He may, or may not have slept with her, or be have a ‘relationship of sorts with her, but I bet my bottom dollar he’s smitten/had his head turned and THIS is why your relationship has gone down the pan! It’ll have fuck all to do with control or your behaviour.

OP, I am really sorry you are hurting. But you are showing with almost every post that you are overbearing and dismissing his feelings. Your sex life was non-existent for 18 months, he mentioned before he was deeply unhappy and you completely dismissed him. He did not leave you out of the blue, you just refused to accept his feelings and talked over him, refusing to acknowledge or listen to him. You really don’t get to play the aggrieved victim when he finally reached breaking point. By all means check finances etc. But if the roles were reversed and your XH behaved the way you did, many would declare him unhinged, controlling and be worried for you.

Your last post does make you sound unhinged. You almost triumphantly claim you have proof now but you really don’t. You’re still ignoring the very valid reasons why he left. And now that he left, you are not entitled to any explanations of who he spends time with. They were in the front room, fully clothed and may very well toasted to her future with her partner. You really don’t get to demand from him or anyone in HIS home, why they are there. Again, if the roles were reversed, people would be outraged on your behalf. You really need to retain a bit of dignity and stop tying to blame him for the breakdown of your marriage. Or anyone else for that matter. I am cringing for you.

Sounds brutal but it doesn’t actually matter whether or not he’s got another woman, he doesn’t want to be with you sadly.

He just doesn't love you any more.

It happens. And gets worse when one of the people involved refuses to accept it, stalks the other, demands to know whose fault it is, accuses random females and sparks off confrontations when they had no business turning up at the other person's home in the first place.

You're focusing on the idea that he can't possibly make decisions on his own - there has to be a woman controlling him. That's pretty insulting to most people, who are well aware of what is going on in their own mind.

If he subsequently decides to sleep with somebody else, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Have you been leaving your children home alone at night whilst you go driving past his house to check up on him - or were they witness to your reaction to his having a friend over?

OP - there may be more to this than he claims, he may or may not be in a relationship with this woman, but you will tear yourself in two trying to prove that he is. You don’t need to do this, your marriage is over. If he is with her it will all come out in the wash. You need to turn your energies to finding yourself a decent divorce lawyer and navigating the next steps. And supporting your kids.

What was the counselling for? Was it to facilitate an amicable divorce or was it an attempt to try and save the marriage?