Husband ended marriage after 14 years but insists there's no one else...

[guccigal]

hi everyone
I have come to this board seeking answers like many...

Last month my husband (42) told me crying that our marriage was broken and didn't think he could go on. I know he has been unhappy and withdrawn for a while (and slightly depressed in a high stress job) and I have also not been happy. we have been emotionally and sexually distant for 18 months I would say. However not being happy is not the same as wanting a separation and to move out. We argued over things (my controlling nature apparently) but nothing toxic. We have 2 children 10 and 12. We have a gorgeous house and kids in private school and are lucky financially. He stayed at home for a week then moved in with his parents and he has rented a house 300m away we found that would suit the children. we agreed to have them 60/40 and no issues over this.

However, it all seems so sudden to me..I have asked so many times if there is anyone else, even to the extent of me asking his secretary (who is single)is she was involved as she's the only non coupled female he knows. She denied it and said we need to work it out. The thing is I have checked all records of flights, bank statements, phone records and come up blank..surely if it was there I would see it? He keeps his phone close for work but doesn't actively hide it or take it to the bathroom or anything. He says I'm paranoid and ruining our amicable relationship by asking all these questions when he has denied all. Please let me know..will another women appear? its been month a no one yet and I have driven past his house at night and nothing...I said to him that men don't leave marriages for no reason, women usually leave becuase they cant stand the marriage or some behaviour and his reply was that why can't men leave for that exact reason? My intuition is saying something is not right but my brain and the logical part of me cant find any evidence..help!! is he gaslighting me or am I paranoid?

If she was controlling why didn't he stand up to her? Maybe she is s strong woman. She is an accountant so she not going to be someone without a voice and an opinion. She is being portrayed on here as a dreadful person. She is in shock and is going through hell at the moment. She deserves some compassion.

Jesus christ you clearly have no understanding of what its like to be with someone who is controlling. You dont understand that it's just not that simple.

Who knew......if you find yourself in a controlling relationship, it's just because your partner is a strong person.......all you need to do is stand up to them.

If all the people are in controlling relationships, realised that they could simply stand up to their partner, there wouldn't be a problem

What they should do is work harder at the marriage (even though their partner knows they are unhappy but doesnt do anything about it either) and just carry on being miserable, on the off chance it gets better.

What a crock of shit

The thing is I have checked all records of flights, bank statements, phone records and come up blank..surely if it was there I would see it?

Your name is on his work flight records and his work ans/or personal phone?

To me, the standout fact is that he was this unhappy, yet didn't mention it? From your side, I can see why you were unhappy (h away a lot and disconnected when he was home, giving up job, having to arrange all social life, etc), I have a lot of this too, and know how difficult it can be. However, if he was unhappy, he should have discussed it, not just sprung it on you at the point he's decided to leave. I also wonder how much of his decision was prompted by his knowledge of your friends husband who left her for someone else. He doesn't want to change his lifestyle or compromise on things to improve the marriage, so is taking the easy route, and thinking his next partner will be more amenable. He may also be telling you that you should get counseling in order to adjust to the loss of the marriage, but did he suggest counseling when it was evident your marriage was in trouble, and try yo work it out? That would also imply he wants out more than he ever wanted to fix things. Him saying you deserve to be happy is the same tactic my h used to deflect me from finding out about his affair. When I'd asked him about it, he also swore blind there was noone else, despite the fact he'd been fucking her through the preceding week (and months).
If this comes as a great surprise, chances are there's more to it.

That's both of their faults.

She wasnt happy either but assumed he still wouldn't leave. The OP could have tackled this too. Neither tried to fix it.

I very much doubt there hasn't been one conversation and he hasn't mentioned her being controlling before.

Both of them were unhappy. And she knew he was unhappy, I assume he knew she wasnt. And neither of them did anything.

If she was controlling why didn't he stand up to her?

Nice victim blaming there. Controlling behaviour is a form of emotional abuse. Would you tell a woman that it's her fault if she was abused because she didn't stand up to her partner?

What's the point in getting married in the first place if men can just piss off when they haven't been feeling oh so happy

That's a very odd thing to write. Are you of the opinion that once married, no matter how unhappy one person becomes they simply should stay and suck it up?

This is not how it works. Marriage is like any other relationship, if it doesn't work, you're at rights to leave. It is not a jail sentence.

OP, the fact that you have access to his accounts and that you are not breaking any laws by checking them does not mean you are not snooping. You are snooping because you are using that access to investigate his alleged love life. Once he said it was over, even before, you stop having that right. Quite simply it is not your business to check what he is doing now. Uncouple the accounts now.

Your behaviour so far is just about forgivable and he has done that. Keep it up and you will be in dangerous territory, legally.

Your lack of insight is the worrying issue and you need to learn to let go and to respect boundaries.

Ok so he said it was broken and didn't think he could go on.

"However not being happy is not the same as wanting a separation and to move out."

So who decided he was moving out? Did you tell him to? Did he say I think it's best?

I am very confused. But anyway he told he is really unhappy and between you, you have made a decision that it is over.

So yourself a lawyer and a counsellor. That is the closure.

The man I’m dating left a 20+ year marriage because he was unhappy. Didn’t have anyone else and very much puts his wife and kids first, even though he is now dating.

So they don’t aleays leave because there is someone else. It sounds like you have a really positive relationship so I’d advise not driving yourself mad trying to look for other reasons for your split. You have admitted yourself you weren’t happy.

Good luck in finding peace and moving on.

Him having another woman won't help you move on. Trust me on that one.

What's the point in getting married in the first place if men can just piss off when they haven't been feeling oh so happy

Goodness! Marriage is a relationship not a prison. Of course anyone can leave a relationship for any reason at any time. And surely being unhappy for a sustained period is the best possible reason. What a weird comment!

Sounds like you've resolved it OP and I definitely don't blame you for going all stalkerish! However, one thing that stood out for me was that I doubt he would move 300m away if there was another woman! Best of luck with finding happiness without him, or together again, who knows what the future holds....

I am hoping it continues amicably and yes I doubt he would move walking distance if he had someone, but he's also not stupid to have anyone there as most our friends live on that street! he moved for the kids so they can easily go between the places. we are lucky financially we can do this for 12 months until all sorted, but who knows how amicable it will stay when the financial settlement starts! love to hear peoples experiences here.

Re moving out, he stayed here for a while but thought it confusing for kids to see in him spare room every night. His mum looks after him food and washing wise.

yes we had discussions over my controlling behaviour before, but no ultimatum or anything. more around me calling him when he's been out but no fights about it. As I said I am still confused....

re the bank accounts, this is half my money and shares and travel points so why cant I look at them when they in my name?

I took think that many have been overly harsh on the OP. And I also agree with the poster earlier who said that it's often standard MN advice to check through things when a man suddenly announces that they're checking out of the relationship.

My sympathies, OP. I would listen to the people who said to get yourself some legal advice. This too will pass.

It being standard mn advice doesnt make it right. Or the advice everyone gives.

So the knew he was unhappy and he has called out your controlling behaviour, but you didn't address it because he didn't threaten to leave?

Well, you are entitled to 1/2 of everything including his pension. You may give this up for a bigger portion of the house.
So time for some legal advice and make sure you have access to al bank accounts.

OP, the fact that you have access to his accounts and that you are not breaking any laws by checking them does not mean you are not snooping. You are snooping because you are using that access to investigate his alleged love life

So what should OP do, go in 'blind' and just sit back?

A man leaves. Ok that's his right. But any partner who's been left would be utterly stupid not to look into his affairs if possible.

MN is so hypocritical at times. All that get your ducks in a row, find out where he and you stand financially, screenshot any important documents blah blah blah.

& If divorce obviously may be the outcome of course you'd want to find out if there were somebody else...! It affects divorce matters.

I don't blame you OP, you don't have to sit passively for anybody. It's as if you have no voice as he made his decision, moved on, and that's it. After 20 years. He may think you're controlling it doesn't mean he's right, at all. Or maybe you are controlling.

Nobody here can know. But the main thing is he's gone, and being looked after by mummy(!), so your life has changed.

Some of your behaviour at this time may not be perfect but you've had a shock. I wouldn't believe anyone who implies they'd be oh so rational in this situation. This is a 20 year relationship that's ended, not a 2 year one.

& You have 2 confused unhappy children living with you too, lest the harsh folk forget.

Take a deep breath and go get some initial legal advice. You will know where you stand and can then act accordingly.

Time is a great healer is an old cliche, but it's true. Good luck.

First, Op I feel for you.
Hold fast - things will get better.

Some of the post have been harsh even if points have been
Valid.

I think if the word 'controlling ' hadn't been in the op the answers would have been very different and ow would have been banded about and there would be encouragement of checking bank records and phones.

Marriages need work.
Hard work.
A sex life needs looking after - time , attention and patience.

But as one pp said women claimed they are blind side when dh leaves but sex has become another chore or completely off the table.

In marriage sex is (one of the ways ) a away to connect with each other , bond and share your love. To forget that is very dangerous.

Maybe that is why you get hysterical bonding after an affair.

Anyway when a person looses that connection (grow apart) they become unhappy.

The result is the same : man or woman :

Some stay ( unhappy).

Some leave having made a new 'connection '

Others leave hoping to make a new connection.

Some realise the grass is not greener and go back and work on the marriage.

This is only my humble opinion
And if it helps one other person - good enough :)

So what should OP do, go in 'blind' and just sit back?

An affair changes nothing in the settlement. Getting financial info, is sensible.

Looking at his flight records, phone records etc....how is that going in blind? How is that going to help the divorce?

Or driving by his house at might, or calling the secretary?

If divorce obviously may be the outcome of course you'd want to find out if there were somebody else...! It affects divorce matters.

No, it doesn't. You're misinformed if you think otherwise.

OP will lose nothing by simply focusing on herself and her own finances, emotions, etc. She stands to gain little from driving herself mad with a focus on her stbxh and the possibility he had an affair.

When the thread is about an op unsure of whether she should trust her h, leave him over suspicion, hes gaslighting her, etc then trying to find evidence can be worthwhile. In this situation, it's not. That way madness lies,and for what?

Also on the subject of OP being "blindsided" etc. She says herself that the marriage has been under strain for 18 months including sex life. And they've had numerous discussions about her controlling behavior. And she roundly dismisses his feelings as out of proportion and unreasonable...

These are all glaringly obvious red flags. OP may feel blindsided but I strongly suspect any reasonable observer of their marriage will have not been surprised that her H reached breaking point

Not.meaning to speak about you as if you are not here op. I'm glad you've communicated with your H. I do strongly suggest you get individual counselling as well. Your posts scream out your unhappiness but also your deep denial and (sorry) self centered, unsympathetic orientation towards your H.

When someone calls out your controlling behavior multiple times...I'm sorry but you should have seen this for the obvious emergency that it was.

Two things.

1. You think your husband being deeply unhappy is a "frivolous reason to leave a marriage".
2. You think that women leave marriages because they are unhappy but men only leave if they are unfaithful.

Both these things suggest to me that you not consider his feelings to be valid or as important as yours, you say you knew he was unhappy. It seems to me that that is a very valid reason to leave.

I am sorry you are going through this, but I think that you need to look at your own relationship rather than looking for signs of an extra-marital one. Keep communicating with him, keep things amicable and be really honest about your relationship. Until you understand it and are ready to examine things honestly, you cannot work towards any kind of reconciliation.

So the knew he was unhappy and he has called out your controlling behaviour, but you didn't address it because he didn't threaten to leave?

This.

And to posters saying that it's a reasonable thing to get your affairs in order when your marriage is ending - are driving past his house at night and harassing his secretary also 'getting ducks in a row'?

yes we had discussions over my controlling behaviour before, but no ultimatum or anything.

So unless he issued an ultimatum, you didn't think it was that bad and could carry on?

Some people don't issue ultimatums. They think saying it a few times should be enough.

Grieve the end of your marriage and look towards the future. It won't be easy, but it's necessary.

Interesting, I don’t think I’ve seen a thread like this before where most posters don’t assume that there is an OW and he is lying. Is it because the OP hasnt made herself sound too likeable ? (And she may well be, just angry and confused)