Husband ended marriage after 14 years but insists there's no one else...

[guccigal]

hi everyone
I have come to this board seeking answers like many...

Last month my husband (42) told me crying that our marriage was broken and didn't think he could go on. I know he has been unhappy and withdrawn for a while (and slightly depressed in a high stress job) and I have also not been happy. we have been emotionally and sexually distant for 18 months I would say. However not being happy is not the same as wanting a separation and to move out. We argued over things (my controlling nature apparently) but nothing toxic. We have 2 children 10 and 12. We have a gorgeous house and kids in private school and are lucky financially. He stayed at home for a week then moved in with his parents and he has rented a house 300m away we found that would suit the children. we agreed to have them 60/40 and no issues over this.

However, it all seems so sudden to me..I have asked so many times if there is anyone else, even to the extent of me asking his secretary (who is single)is she was involved as she's the only non coupled female he knows. She denied it and said we need to work it out. The thing is I have checked all records of flights, bank statements, phone records and come up blank..surely if it was there I would see it? He keeps his phone close for work but doesn't actively hide it or take it to the bathroom or anything. He says I'm paranoid and ruining our amicable relationship by asking all these questions when he has denied all. Please let me know..will another women appear? its been month a no one yet and I have driven past his house at night and nothing...I said to him that men don't leave marriages for no reason, women usually leave becuase they cant stand the marriage or some behaviour and his reply was that why can't men leave for that exact reason? My intuition is saying something is not right but my brain and the logical part of me cant find any evidence..help!! is he gaslighting me or am I paranoid?

Posters are being very unfair to OP.

Her 14 year marriage fell apart only a month ago. Of course she is going to be devastated and not going to just get over it in a few months.

He's only just moved out and no divorce has been filed or separation arrangements, so they are still married.

He's very likely been cheating with his secretary all this time; 18 months. A walking cliche.

Definitely tell a friend or family member to get some RL support and find yourself a lawyer.

Have to agree with you pissedonatrain some real hard nosed cows on here - talk about kicking someone when they are down . Every woman in the world who has been in this situation wants to know the who and the why and the when .

@guccigal You're not being rational. And why should you be? Your 14yr marriage has broken down, largely completely out of the blue. I have no advice for you at all other than maybe trying to avoid the Secretary. Sounds a hideous situation. Sometimes there are no definitive answers and therefore searching for one is a waste of energy.
I'm in a very similar situation except husband is still here, loathing me. Focusing on the children is helping me a bit. Good luck. Keep posting.

Sending a hug, @guccigal. People seem to have got on a nasty roll here. Maybe they recognise themselves/their own marriages.

I agree with TheStuffedPenguin:
Every woman in the world who has been in this situation wants to know the who and the why and the when

Controlling or doormat, completely natural.

And pissedonatrain:
He's very likely been cheating with his secretary all this time; 18 months. A walking cliche

This was my also my first though on reading the 18 months sex thing.

How are you doing today, @guccigirl?

Yeah, of course he was cheating with the secretary.

How many of us knew who our TH (Twat Husband) was having an affair with before he even realised? Mentionitis, followed by secrecy, devaluing then bullying the wife (while blaming her and claiming victim status for himself) picking fights, telling the wife she's crazy and paranoid etc etc etc. The OP knew because thousands of years of evolution put the hairs on the back of her neck up in a way that she couldn't put into words, but she KNEW.

She was raw and fragile (and still reeling from all the gaslighting) and, consequently, a little bit too honest on here. Some got a whiff of that fragility and decided to give her a good kicking. Lovely.

@PicsInRed
I agree.
Never seen a thread like it.

I think op had good instincts and reacted in a way most wife would have done under the circumstances. (Gusty really )

Personally I think they deserve each other.

I predict it will end in tears.
What a selfish pair.

And op I predict once you're dusted yourself down and licked your wounds you will find
Someone who doesn't need 'controlling '. Not that you are.

You will certainly have the last laugh .... but not at the moment.

Get angry, feel it then move on.

You are a very strong woman and do not deserve some of the harsh comments on here.

Thanks for all messages of support.

it is indeed a very strange situation..the woman emailed me and said nothing was going on and I have the wrong end of the stick. I asked both parties who actually made the arrangement for that evening and she said SHE called him and hour before to drop into discuss her living work to go to the US to live with this boyfriend for 3 months..and also dropped him off a housewarming plant as she had been at a friends house for dinner up the road...

Not sure why that conversation couldn't have been had during the working week...

I will come out the other side of this knowing I did all the right things and hopefully with a better man! I have also contacted a lawyer to finalise the settlement x

Oh OP I've just caught up with this.
It's a truly crappy time.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Many of us have been there and got the t-shirt.
But now you know that he was up to something - no matter what they say.
Why the hell would her dog be there and her drinking if the plan wasn't for her to stay over!!???
Get your ducks in a row and get your financial settlement sorted.
His guilt will wear off soon so do it quick.
They soon change their tune!