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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

943 replies

awesmum · 12/03/2019 19:00

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 18/03/2019 21:17

Absolutely not. Apply now and it will be back dated from when you apply. Make a note of all dates he has DD as this will guide them in how much he should give you. Do you have any evidence of his income or how much the business makes ahnd how much he takes as a wage?

Original poster
awesmum · 18/03/2019 21:37

Yes I know how much he 'makes' and quite frankly for the £20 a month I will get I am not sure it's worth the aggro. He'll get his mate his accountant to hide it. He gets paid £600 per month, no dividends, so not worth the hassle. I told this to my solicitor, they think I need to go for it too. I just know he'll hide it from the Cms. He can't from court.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/03/2019 21:48

After a year of court ordered maintenance they can stop paying and contest it anyway. All a bit of a joke.

If you owned a house between you best to try and get a clean break with a high as possible settlement from that.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/03/2019 21:56

I agree with your solicitor. It doesn't matter if it's £1 or £1000 per month. It's the fact that it is his obligation to support his child and therefore he must pay support, whatever the amount is.

By any chance, do you have access to any of his and/or the business' tax records? Being able to provide info for 'before' can help when they start hiding shit 'afterwards'.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/03/2019 22:01

Adding: I don't know about in the UK, but here one thing the courts may consider as far as his business income goes is the total HH expenses and your income. For example, if the total cost of running your house is £2400 per month and your salary is only £1000 per month, if he tries to claim he only 'earns' £600 per month from his business the courts are going to want to know where the other £800 is coming from. Obvs a person can't 'fiddle' with their salary when they're an employee, but a self employed person can take money in 'other ways' from their own business.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/03/2019 22:02

correction: should say "The total cost of running the prior marital home" not your house

HazelBite · 18/03/2019 22:03

Just caught up on this, I am impressed how well and intelligently you are dealing with this.
At least your DD has one caring parent!

GummyGoddess · 18/03/2019 23:11

No, all children are eligible for maintenance even if parents are not married. Here you go.

Daftapath · 19/03/2019 00:14

I am so glad that you have decided to divorce now. I don't think I posted earlier when you raised the subject but did think it worth getting it all out of the way now

My stbxh has not paid any maintenance since I managed to get him out about 18months ago. The solicitor and barrister have both recommended that I do not go for any yet as it will increase his income need as it will not be taken out of the pot to be divided. So I am waiting until we (hopefully) agree on a settlement and then will go for it then.

As an aside, do you know if he has been paying into a pension at all? You would be entitled to some of that.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/03/2019 19:37

Can I just point out, court doesn't deal with child maintenance anymore unless you are seeking amounts over and above what the CMS would award. This is usually in cases where earnings of the absent parent are very high and outside of the CMS calculator. The exception to this is where a child has a diagnosis of something that will impact going forward, in my case my DS's autism. The resident parent can then make a claim under The Children's Act. Furthermore, maintenance is not backdated so it's really important that you put in a claim with the CMS now. I am also dealing with a "self employed" prick. Also, if he's only paying himself £600 a month, how is he paying rent, food etc? That money will be treated as a dividend.

cstaff · 19/03/2019 22:51

Hi awesmum. I have just read both of your threads tonight. Omg how are you still sane. This is the worst separation thread I have read. Your husband only cares about revenge, certainly not about his adorable 2yo little girl. And as for your other kids, as far as he is concerned, well who are they.

Fair play to you for getting out of that horrendous situation. Honestly I'm not sure how you pulled it off but we'll done. You just need to stay strong with regard to your little girl. After his recent carry on hopefully the courts will either deny him access or give him supervised access. Again well done OP Flowers. I will be following this thread in the hope that you all escape from him in one piece.

Mrsmummy90 · 20/03/2019 20:15

How are you doing op? Xx

BeUpStanding · 20/03/2019 22:40

Hope you're doing well Awesmum

MotherOfDragonite · 21/03/2019 15:46

Thinking of you as well @awesmum -- hope all ok.

Original poster
awesmum · 21/03/2019 20:43

Thank you for thinking of me. He picked her up from nursery yesterday, I was obviously in a bit of a state, but he bought her back this morning. I think he's intention is to forget his accidental 'abduction' (yes I know it wasn't abduction legally, but I didn't know when I was going to see her again). I am trying to get in place a court order which stipulates the time he can and can't have her, after last week and having no idea I think this is only reasonable for DD and I.
I am also in the process of perusing the divorce, I want a access court order in place before he gets paperwork because I know he's going to kick off when he gets my request - I only want what's mine, but that will be more than he's willing to give.

Emotionally I thought I was doing really well, apart from the panic of not knowing when he's going to take her, or return her, but I saw a car light in the driveway earlier and my heart was in my mouth. It wasn't him, but I am a little sad that he is still affecting me in this way. I don't miss him ever, and each day I have a little reminder of exactly why and how we are all so much happier since he's been gone. I feel very sad for him that he's missing out on some really fun and happy times as he sits stewing in his misery.

Dd just watched tv while at his work and then his house yesterday, rather than being at nursery with her friends. She is just left to drop off on the sofa when she chooses. But I have said all this before and it seems to be only me who thinks this is poor parenting.

OP posts:
cstaff · 21/03/2019 20:51

Emotionally you are doing fantastic. There are going to be blips here and there. That is to be expected. It would be weird if there weren't any times where you doubted yourself. Stay strong OP and remember that apart from yourself you are doing this for your kids.

RandomMess · 21/03/2019 21:10

KOKO between you and the nursery you will have a record of all the times he has failed to take her to nursery, all adds to your evidence.

BeUpStanding · 21/03/2019 21:42

You are doing brilliantly. It takes a long time to undo the trauma from living in such an abusive environment for years.

Hope you've got some good friends around you, or are starting to make friends. How's the job going? Still great I hope!

Original poster
awesmum · 21/03/2019 22:03

I am making more friends and trying rebuild old friendships, I am very conscious of not being 'that' friend with all The relationship issues. I am also aware that I am still hyper vigilant of my actions/ what I say / how I say it and what people's reaction is going to be, this all stems from him and the constant barrage of criticism and abuse. I try desperately to turn that little voice inside my head after seeing a friend where I over analyse everything I said and did, I am mostly succeeding.

Job is going great, I am being trained up more and more. I am just about at the end of my trial. My boss has asked for me to up my hours too, but remains really flexible with what I can and want to do. It's been a god send, both financially and for my self respect. I am going to start looking at how I can improve with education in the field as well.

Nursery remain wonderful with DD, and are keeping a super close eye on things.

It's amazing how well everything is going in our little world at present, if you take him out of the equation it removes all drama, stress and anxiety, ironic really as he claimed to hate drama, but retrospectively I can see he was always the catalyst.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 21/03/2019 23:34

That all sounds really positive, you are doing really well Flowers

Mrsmummy90 · 21/03/2019 23:39

This update is lovely 😊

ErrmWTAF · 22/03/2019 05:13

Fantastic update! KOKO. Flowers

BringMeAGinandTonic · 22/03/2019 05:57

Keep up the great work, awesmum! It's all been so difficult but you are holding up really well considering this drama going on.

He hates drama because it's only the drama of his own making he likes, in proper control freak fashion. He's horrible.

Sicario · 22/03/2019 10:34

You are doing brilliantly. Sending you hugs and solidarity.

CloudPop · 22/03/2019 20:43

Good for you. Stay strong. Very best wishes.