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Original poster

Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

943 replies

awesmum · 12/03/2019 19:00

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 15/06/2019 09:11

And what a beautiful place that looks for a walk and play with children. I'm often taken back to days spoiled by my ex and how much better our life is without him.

Weenurse · 16/06/2019 01:31

Beautiful

blahblah88 · 16/06/2019 06:28

Just read both of your posts and I need to say how proud of you I am!! How many times I wish my mum had taken me and run.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned but if you're worried about mail going to your old address you can pay the post office to forward your mail for a year, then just change your address with every company who mails something to you during that time. So you don't have to do it all at once. You can pay for the service online so it gets set up instantly.

I hope you have friends in your life who can help with everything. Good luck!

Sicario · 16/06/2019 11:12

Hello Awesmum! What a gorgeous walk you have there. So sorry you're having trouble with the solicitors. It's very frustrating. I had a particularly useless one too. Hopefully they will pull their finger out and crack on with the paperwork you need. Again, hang on in there and try not to let it get to you.

I also had an ex who would deliberately look to make a fight out of every little thing. Any excuse to have a go. It wears you down.

Finding joy in those little things that you "weren't allowed" when you were with him can be strangely triggering. Wish I was your next door neighbour so I could invite you and the kids over for roast chicken today.

PeoniesarePink · 18/06/2019 13:03

A friend recommended CBT and they sent me along to their therapist who turned out to be an amazing help when I was going through some stuff with my eldest DD and we had a disastrous experience with a family counsellor. They taught me a technique of visualising a box inside your head where you can put thoughts and feelings you don't want to have or deal with, and lock them away. I still use it now. It sounds very hippy but it gave me the control back and not the thoughts or feelings, if that makes sense.

You're doing so well - his twattiness won't ever change, all you can change is how much you let it affect you Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 18/06/2019 13:38

"...technique of visualising a box inside your head where you can put thoughts and feelings you don't want to have or deal with, and lock them away. I still use it now. It sounds very hippy"

Mine was a suitcase to put those thoughts into. Then I'd picture myself putting it outside the door. Visualization is a very useful tool l!

Original poster
awesmum · 21/06/2019 20:09

Finally I have the paperwork for court sorted. I was absolutely terrified of the contents of his. I practiced the box technique, and was all ready to be modified and terrified all at once. But I laughed. The absolute farcical content! I am actually concerned about his mental health. The reason is I actually think he believes it himself. It was rambling and repeated itself over and over just like he did in rl that sent me around the twist. He Made up so much stuff all of which I can prove otherwise. I am just - wow!

I nearly had a panic attack sending mine off, I was so worried about his reaction and him going and taking DD out of nursery or something horrible over this week.
But I know it was just the anticipation of it going. Now having received his I know he's completely delusional. I am still worried about his reaction. But I now know the lies I am up against.

Now I have to respond to what he said. But I will do that on Sunday evening.

I hope you're all planning lovely weekends.

OP posts:
jollyhollyhocks · 21/06/2019 20:49

So glad you are feeling positive. You are amazing xx

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/06/2019 23:23

Bravo awesmum Just take your time and address every single point methodically. You're nearly there, so pleased for you Flowers

HettySunshine · 22/06/2019 19:45

I have read both of your threads over the course of the day today Awesmum and I am bowled over with how strong and amazing you are.

I have basically fast forwarded through the last 9 months of your life and watching you find your strength, get your home sorted, remove all traces of your odious ex, get a job and be awesome at it, support and emotionally nourish your children while they adjust to their new lives and freedom all while dealing with solicitors, court dates and everything else.

You are nothing short of an inspiration and I salute you.

Original poster
awesmum · 24/06/2019 14:45

Sorting myself out for court. He's actually asking for full custody. I am absolutely terrified. What the hell are the chances of him getting it? He's a complete narcissist and will keep on till he get what he wants and is such a bully that people tend to cave in to stop him. What are the chances of him getting away with his lies - I can prove his lying on most things. But I am so terrified of his manipulation that he may get away with it.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 24/06/2019 14:59

Oh God, he really is a despicable piece of shit.
He won't get full custody, you know he makes a fool of himself in court. Be strong, I am sending all the positive vibes I can muster.

pointythings · 24/06/2019 15:27

He won't get full custody. He has already made an utter ass of himself in court and do you really think the word hasn't got out? He won't fool anyone. Stay calm, refute the lies with evidence and watch him combust.

Original poster
awesmum · 24/06/2019 18:08

I know the wholly rational side of me keeps telling myself not to worry. But I know how relentless he is. Because he actually believes his own lies it's difficult even with evidence to show him he's wrong.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 24/06/2019 18:37

I'm in the US and here it's not unusual for divorcing spouses to start the process by asking for sole custody if they foresee a 'battle'. It's a case of 'ask for everything, settle for something'.

He may be approaching things with that philosophy or he may just be being a shit-heel. Probably the latter. But at any rate no judge is going to grant him full custody. And no judge is going to be bullied by him and 'cave'! If he tries that shit, it's more than likely he'll piss the judge off (even more) and end up with less than he would normally have gotten! Judges are only human, after all. And they're pretty damned canny, too, and will see through his lies.

All you need to do is remain calm and be factual. He's counting on you to freak out and go overboard in your statement so he can point out how unreasonable and 'unstable' you are. Don't let him do this to you. Slow and steady wins the race.

Soconfusedandlost · 24/06/2019 19:27

To gain full custody he has to prove you are unfit to parent your DC.
He can't say you take drugs or are an alcoholic as its easily tested.
There's no police record of abuse from you so he can't say you're violent or physical abuse happened.
Mumsnetters know that emotional abuse or controlling behaviour is difficult to prove in a divorce/custody hearing.

I get why this would insettle/unnerve/panic you. Just break everything done step by step to calm yourself. With my ex, I recited the reasons why he wouldn't get full custody like a shopping list or a mantra. He got EOW visits due to distance but has not managed to complete any in 3 years

Original poster
awesmum · 24/06/2019 21:01

His reason for going for full custody is that my older children don't have contact with their father.

I really pick them don't I! Never again!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/06/2019 01:04

What an idiot!

PonderingPanda · 25/06/2019 06:18

That's the whole basis of his argument for custody?? OMG.. what a complete idiot!

Tiddleypops · 25/06/2019 06:59

Bahahaha! While in mediation, my STBXH gave similar reasons for going for 50:50 custody of our DS (in our case he has older children from a previous relationship so the reason he gave, when pushed, related to them and his ex partner).

Mediator was like "Confused errrr sorry, I've missed something, what have those other people, in a totally separate situation, got to do with Tiddley and your DS".
He had no response to that, made him look a right idiot.

Tiddleypops · 25/06/2019 07:03

I get why you feel unnerved by it though. He is still on the attack here and even if you can be totally sure of something in your own mind, it is horrible to have these constant threats. Especially when it comes to the children. Sending you a hug 🤗

Mix56 · 25/06/2019 08:56

errr, but he already does have contact, so the other DC & their father are completely irrelevant

Original poster
awesmum · 25/06/2019 09:45

I know he just clutching at straws and lying through his teeth. He repeated himself over and over in a rambling fashion, also we were told 5 pages and he did 7. So couldn't even stick to the courts instructions.

OP posts:
Sicario · 25/06/2019 09:51

What a knob. You, on the other hand, are brilliant :)

pointythings · 25/06/2019 10:27

I know it's hard, but let him have his rope. He'll use it for its intended purpose. Meanwhile you will play by the rules and be the reasonable one in the eyes of the court.

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