Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

[awesmum]

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

Oh, what a twat

.

Focus on the positive here, he is showing the court every time he attends that he does not his daughters best interests at heart and he is not willing to compromise. Last time you went to the court what you are doing now was seen as fair, why would they change this when your daughter is used to it? Good luck.

Hopefully they will see his true colours.

Could you make the point that it would be better for your DD to continue with the routine she is used to? Or do you feel as if you have to compromise when he makes aggressive demands?

He's such a tit!!

I'm a little update and also a question. Update first, whilst at work the other day I had a few moments of clarity, both this job and last job (with stbxh) are both mathematically based, but completely different in content. At my old job I really started to struggle to take new information in, there were times I just couldn't absorb information, process it and workout the answer, I actually thought I was suffering with early onset dementia as I struggled so much. My new job I have implemented a new computer system and am having to teach myself and all other employees including my boss the methods and systems. All new stuff, never have I been overwhelmed, I have processed and worked my way through equations and come to an answer. It brings me to think that as my brain was so over capacity with his bs that I couldn't process things effectively. Also the digs, put downs and belittling had a massive affect on me and my capabilities such as telling me I wasn't a team player etc etc. My boss on the other hand said just the other day how nice it is he can leave me with something in the full knowledge that I will find the solution to whatever it is I am doing.
So yet another positive- my brain is starting to work again .

To my question- it has now been 8 months, obviously I had known long before telling him to leave that it was over but just 8 months since the day. I know he's been fairly relentless with his remaining fairly difficult and maintaining what control over me via our daughter he can. But when will I start to feel like he isn't still consuming my thoughts, that I can go out for some fun and not have to consciously push him out of my head. That I can drive down the road and panic I will see his car. That I can let things go a bit?

I don't think about him as a person- how he is what he's up to or anything like that. Just what his reaction would be to what I am saying or doing. What fall out I will get for any decision I make. I would really like a little break from it to be fair.

I don’t know what to advise.
Just reading along, you have come a long way.
I know of people who mentally leave their work day at the front gate and then start their home day. This is so work does not interfere with home.
Is there anyway you could mentally put him in a box for most of the day?

That's the sort of thing I do, I remind myself not to think about it, to focus on other things. Sometimes it's pure frustration or anger even, which makes it harder to put aside.

I know it's because he managed to have such control over everything for such a long time that it will take time to evict him from my brain space. But even that is tiring. I also dream about him, a lot of it is him coming back and me being horrified at the idea and refusing him. Or almost reenacting unpleasant situation that happened before. My DD18 is also having them too.

Sounds like your boss and colleagues really appreciate you! It's so nice that after years of being with someone so mean and judgemental, you're finally surrounded by people who acknowledge how awesome you are.

As for your question, the only thing I can really think of is suggesting counselling. He spent years programming you to think and behave in a certain way and there's no easy fix to undo that.
You've already come so far but everything else will still take time.

You've got this xx

One of the ways in which your bastard STBXH gaslighted you was to make you feel intellectually inferior. He would have known damn well that you were a hell of a lot smarter than him, and that would have driven him nuts. So comes the chip-chipping away until your self-esteem is destroyed.

I became hugely successful after I got out of my marriage. For years I kind of put it down to luck and hard work, but the plain fact that I see now is that I was sharp as a pin and very good at my job. Yes – you’ve been brain fogged. And now it’s lifting and you’re rediscovering the brilliant woman that you are.

With regard to the unwelcome thoughts you’re experiencing, I went through a period of having full-on panic attacks at the sight of my ex. It took me quite a while to get that under control. I would dare to suggest that you might be suffering PTSD. Maybe a GP appointment to seek counseling and CBT? (There wasn’t anything like that when I went through this 30 years ago, and I still have the bad dreams sometimes.)

And your DD18 might need some support too. x

It is PTSD, you are out of the warzone but your brain has been trained to respond to threats.

It will take time for his influence to diminish. Clearly it has started to diminish as your work shows, you can easily work through problems that had you stumped when you were with him as you were in survival mode.

It will take time and the repeating and reminding to yourself that you are safe/competent and happy. His abuse didn’t happen just once, I would imagine it was the constant put downs chipping away at your confidence that has resulted in the PTSD so now you have to do the opposite to yourself iykwim.

Also as Sicario said, please look into CBT for you and your daughter.

I second everyone who is suggesting PTSD as the root of all this, and you should seek support for yourself and your DD. You have come so very far by yourself, but you absolutely do not have to manage your recovery all by yourself.

Google C PTSD , yes what you are experiencing is very likely that. A combination of CBT, EMDR and a good councellor to talk everything through, can help

Google C- PTSD , you'll see its a common thing with an abusive partner. And yes your DD may well have it too.

Sorry for duplicate post!

I agree with PPs. It's a form of PTSD. It's the coping mechanism you developed in order to survive, and after awhile, it 'takes over' and becomes our instinctive reaction.

I had therapy for about 18 months after my divorce. This was so long ago that PTSD wasn't even a 'thing'! At least, it wasn't a thing for women in abusive relationships! The dual purpose was to get rid of that 'coping mechanism' and to find out why I picked such shitty men! I think you and DD could both benefit from counseling. You may be surprised at how freeing it is to have a professional validate your feelings AND teach you ways to change your thinking.

I was lucky in that my ex and I had no children, so once I kicked him out I really never had to deal with him on my own again. Well, once and it ended up with him trying to force himself on me (not for the first time) but luckily I was pretty much out of the FOG and gave him a swift one to the bollocks!

May your 'swift one to the bollocks' moment come soon. Figuratively, if not literally! (Personally, I'll be praying for it to be literally, but that's just me!)

You're doing really well, OP.

How wonderful that you are beginning to come out from underneath the oppressive presence of that relationship! No wonder your mind is starting to work normally again -- you're not using up your emotional and mental energy on trying to protect yourself and your children.

Thank you for the link, I can actually do a self referral. I will however still see my GP. I am a little apprehensive to go and see anyone in case he uses it against me in court - how the hell he would find out I don't know. But it's like not entirely trusting people who are my friends in case they are feeding back to him (I am fairly certain they aren't). Even being paranoid that my solicitor is in cahoots with him. All ridiculous, but all part and parcel of his training of me over the years that he is the only one I can trust, that everyone else is out to get me. That everyone would say negative things about me to him. With the constant belittling by him it's no surprise really is it that I am the way I am.

@AcrossthePond55 I am so sorry you went through that, but the kick must have felt wonderful. I just keep hoping a large sink hole would open up and he would fall into it, a nice natural disaster just for him, a way to stick 2 fingers up at him and show him a little karma

I am recognising everything that you are writing in your posts. Those feelings you are experiencing are part of the trauma. Hang on in there. I promise it does get better.

And I just love AcrossthePond's analogy of the 'swift one to the bollocks' moment.

Update - why do I have no luck with solicitors? I had to send a snotty email as they were due to do some work for me to hand in to court last week and haven't done it, a week later and still not done it. His solicitor is dragging her heels too and not done his either. But this is a court requirement and neither have done what they need to. I paying a lot of money to get them to do the work for me and they not doing it. I am so annoyed.

On a personal level I am continuing to work on myself and taking joy out of what I am experiencing. I have been taking myself for walks in the evening after work and going out doing things. The joy of not being on a stop watch by him 'when will you be back' 'be back in 20 mins' calling me when I am out.
I took back somewhere we had been before, a couple of years ago we went out DD was asleep in the car, he insisted that DD11 and I (other 2 kids weren't allowed to come) went for the walk he would wait with sleeping DD also he struggled to walk. He said he would meet us at the end. So off we went for our walk, climbed trees, played in streams- we were about 30 minutes, no phone reception.
He comes storming after us shouting how disrespectful I was, not a team player, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, you get the gist for 2 hours, how I had ruined yet another day out because I had done what I wanted without thinking about him or anybody else.
So yesterday I went there again and I walked around and was there walking for an hour enjoying the peace and quiet with no retribution or stress. No fear or anxiety. Just peace.

My walk