Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

[awesmum]

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

Why couldn't he take her to the party as it was his access day? When XH has the boy's, he does the running around for them on those days

@SnapesGreasyHair because of the animosity between he and I. Because her best friend's mum is a good friend of mine. Because he doesn't know the family. Because he wouldn't go.

He really is pathetic isn't it!
He's trying literally anything to get under your skin.
What an ass hat!

I think you missed 'because he's an ARSE'

What a dick! At least he put it in writing so you can look at it any time you are feeling a sense of misguided nostalgia in future and remind yourself of his real personality...

I turned up to get DD at 9am as agreed and he didn't turn up. Wouldn't answer phone calls or messages till about 10.30. Told me he was going to drop her at 2.15 as to my original suggestion and have her back at 5.15pm 🤦🏼‍♀️. I can't tell you how frustrating he is. It's such a controlling thing to do.

What it does show me is that there is no way I can ever ask to change or amend times with him. And I won't agree if he ever asks either.

Is he still expecting that as a swap day?

What is he hoping to gain by being this way. All it does is prove yet again that you did the right thing by leaving him. Is he at least keeping her clean and out of his office?

He is such a cock!

Why offer to take her to the party? Anything that falls on his days id be leaving him to sort out. It's not for you to lose out just because things fall on his days. That's just part of being a parent. Send Invitations in her bag when she goes to his and he can sort it out.

I know it's horrible to know DD will miss out on parties his weekends but invite birthday child over for a special play date instead complete with candle blowing out and sleeping lions

@RandomMess no he's just got for an extra couple of hours at the end of her time with him. I have it in writing and that he won't take her to work. You're right she will miss out some things, but as you say I will compensate with play dates etc. The kids were never allowed those. It's lovely they are getting them now.

@longtimelurkerhelen no he's not taking her to work. The only thing I think he gains is a feeling of control. Absolutely did the right thing in leaving! He is a complete cock!

@Whisky2014 he wouldn't take her.

It's not on you to sort it. If he won't take her, she doesn't go. That's her relationship with him.
When she's on your days you can sort playdates. But basically, you trying to do the right thing is actually to your detriment. She'll soon learn dad=no fun.

He is constantly showing who he is. It’s all about him and never about DD. My ex is like this. Its bizarre how much they don’t think at all about their children’s wants or needs.

If you know she will miss out on activities on his contact time, it might be worth speaking to your solicitor to ask if it can be written in the court order that both parents have to facilitate all extracurricular activities and social invites that fall on their contact times and if they can't then the other parent is allowed to take them, but contact is not altered to accommodate this

I have made the decision not to attempt to swap days ever again. It's not worth the hassle or the stress. If DD misses out on stuff when at his I will attempt to make it up to her. She's already missed loads of family stuff, but I haven't made a big deal. At her age she doesn't know so I have let it go. The best friends birthday was an attempt to see if he could be reasonable for her sake - that was a big fat no!

I mentioned he wanted to see my DD11, I made the suggestion that he sends her a note home with DD, he hasn't and has had 2 opportunities since I suggested it then for a slew of abuse from him about how I am preventing it. I got an email from him yesterday saying could I pass on a message to her how he would like to see her.
I haven't, I am not going to. Rightly or wrongly- I have told her she is very welcome to, that I would fully support it, that there would be no issue with her going, she could choose how often and how long. She HATES the idea, I am conscious that she may be giving me that impression because she thinks it's what I want to hear, but if I say more I am harassing her into going. I did casually ask her if she wanted to come to drop off DD the other day - she refused as she always does. She's never got out of the car to say hi when she has been there - and in fact he's never made an attempt to say hi to her or the others when they are there. But that's him all over - he never would initiate everyone has to go to him as he's the big 'I am'.

She's a really kind thoughtful girl and I don't want to bully her into seeing him if she truly doesn't want to. I am also very conscious of the negative impact he has on people and how demeaning he can be and don't want her to suffer that also. As I know it is his way or the highway. I also think he may be trying to get the 'gossip' of what I am doing, where I work, the house situation, what's happening with her siblings, etc etc as none of this he can get out of a 3 year old.
I think she's also thinking about his lack of interest in her brother and sister as he's not mentioned them at all. I know she feels a sense of solidarity to them, she knows her little sister must go.

On a lighter note I was asked at work by some of the guys (married so not a come on just friends) if I was dating yet . Made me burst out laughing and restrained a f**k no to just a no not a chance!

I hope you're all having lovely weekends. Lots of plans for us at home and getting out and enjoying ourselves.

Waiting on stuff back from solicitor at present, but I do feel a lot more in control of the situation.

I wonder how he would be if you started dropping hints that it's great he has your little one so much as it enables me to start going out at night socializing... maybe even dating... I couldn't do it if I didn't have the childcare etc, as older ones are ok. (Obv you don't really mean it) I wonder if he would start backtracking if he thought he was doing you any favours?
Only saying because this tactic worked for me with my asshole ex many years ago. He would say he wants custody etc.. I would get upset until I once said ok great that means I can go to my dance class, gym and meet friends for dinner. He never mentioned it again!

I am sorry, but IMHO any contact with him is too much.
I would not overly encourage DD to go, she has heard he has asked about her, she hasn't shown any inclination, You have said all the right things.fuck him

Wondering how you are @awesmum. Stay strong, you have lots of friends on here.

Hi op! How are you doing?
I remembered you have your court date this month! Hope all goes well xxx

Hi people, well I am currently waiting to find out if STBXH will agree to the current contact to remain the same, he has until the end of the day to decide. If he agrees it would save lots of hassle and lots of money. I imagine his solicitor will recommend it as the court is very likely to suggest things stay as they are. Also due to DD's age we will be coming back to court to discuss school etc etc so the current arrangement can't last for the next 15 years. But we all know he will fight for the sake of loving a row and drama rather than think what is best for DD. I don't like the current arrangement but am willing to compromise for her benefit.
So I will let you all know by 5.30pm if he is thinking of DD or himself.

There is the next step imminent once he makes his decision. Again I will let you know what that is once he makes his decision today.

As for the other children, we are at the end of exams for all of them, and baring in mind how stressful that is for them all and me there has only been one melt down. If that isn't a sign of improvement in the house I don't know what is.

I was super brave last weekend when DD was at her Dads, I actually went out for the day with DD 11 and went out with a friend in the evening too. I have been too scared to leave the house before to go out out. But I let my hair down and had some fun. I did still have the niggles in my head of how this would land me in trouble with him but kept pushing that out of my mind and was determined to enjoy myself. I finished off the night drinking the penultimate bottle of champagne left over from our wedding day, rather poetic I think. The last one is saved for the divorce.

So glad you are doing ok, actually bloody marvellous under the circumstances!!!

KOKO

Let us know how it all goes!
(well I hope}

So happy to read that you are gradually freeing yourself of his control and starting to find yourself again. I hope he is sensible about the contact although it doesn't seem likely.

Fingers crossed he doesn't kick off and makes life easier for you!

Well done for going out! You're breaking free of the mental chains that he's had you in for so long. You're awesome!!

Good luck to your children with their exams xx

Well, what surprise.

He's refusing to agree. Off to court we go. I am so angry. He really isn't thinking about our daughter. He really isn't considering her best interests. What a selfish piece of shit.

This makes it so easy to hate him.