Hello, I hope you're all having a wonderful if rainy bank holiday weekend. DD is with her father and I get her back this morning.
I am doing ok. I had an issue with an appliance at home during the week, with resorted to me bursting into tears and being unable to stop, despite me telling myself how ridiculous I was being and to stop it, I wasn't physically able to for a bit. I had to pull it together to figure out a solution to get myself out of trouble for a petty issue and I had a mini meltdown. Utterly utterly ridiculous. I think to be fair I was struggling as for the past 8+ years I had attempted to keep my emotions and feelings in check that this was a bit of a release / the first time I had let go and having started to relax myself emotionally recently. I was unable to rein myself in for a bit. My rational thinking was all there just the physical act of blubbering uncontrollably was too. Anyway I sorted everything out and was fine. I know these things will happen.
I am trying to be kind and a bit gentle with myself but it is hard when these emotions are so backed up that they will spill out up sometimes.
I have had a few more reminders of the good of being out of the relationship in the last few weeks. I had to give an example of 3 things I was proud of of myself- not including my kids. One was getting my job, with no references and the major one was getting out of that relationship. I did get damp eyed when saying that to a group but held it together - because I am proud and yes it was terrible. I know most people don't see it and most people don't know or understand how horrible it was and that does make it difficult.
I made a stupid mistake at work in the week, I am talking daft thing, and I was so apologetic expecting an absolute bollocking as 'he' would do for hours and it didn't come. My boss was like 'it's fine'. I also am so scared that I have made a mistake on a report/ filing / email that it almost consumes me as I would daily get picked at and lectured for putting a comma in the wrong place or miss-spelling something. Even when I am fairly certain that I have things right I worry that it will come back that I have done something wrong. I know that in time this too will ease. It has made me think the huge effect his belittling has had on the children too, I did speak to my DS about it, how I felt about the picking at me and how it affected me and how he was feeling. He understood where I was coming from of the panic and dread. He seems so much brighter and happier as do the girls.
I had some lovely compliments from DC's friends this last week, how they love coming to our house and how nice it is and that they can relax and spend time with their friend.
I have started meditating to help with sleep or lack there of, and to help with the anxiety of him still being on my shoulder making me panic. I have an appointment with my doctor too.
I am getting there. I am doing ok. I feel a lot happier most of the time. I am having now to learn to undo the harm in myself he did. I think I have been so focused on the kids, the court, the house, our physical safety, supporting us, that my emotional well being is now in need of tlc.