Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

[awesmum]

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

Shouldn't have spoken so soon - he just drove past me. Picking up DD too early from nursery.

Question- when does the feeling of panic of what he thinks go - I don't care what he thinks about - what I wear / look like etc. I mean that fear of what the retribution of whatever infraction I have done. I can justify that I am a grown up and I don't have to answer to him, but when can I relax?

You just need time to adjust to the freedom after so long without it. Eventually you will have him where he belongs, a small and ridiculous annoyance.

It will take time awesmum. Keep doing things for yourself, like getting your tattoo. As pog100 said, it will be an adjustment.

awesmum you've only just started freeing yourself from this man. You've managed the physical separation very well indeed, you've done everything right, but getting rid of the chains he put on your mind is going to take longer. Be kind to yourself. Everything you do is another link gone - having family over, getting that tattoo, watching tv in your living room with your DC. You'll do it. One day you'll see him and feel nothing.

I don’t really have advice but sending

You basically have a grieving process to go through. Not for the man himself but the man you thought he was and for the dreams you had back then too.

Plus his behaviour is enough to make anyone nervous when they see him. AND based on previous behaviour there is no guarantee that he is going to do as he should.

The longer you go without any real upset the easier it will get.

It's more a frustration that everything I do is with him still sitting on my shoulder.
For instance, what's his reaction to my new car going to be, is he going to be cross. What are he's thoughts on ms buying vegetarian food, that would make him furious in the past. The fact I have bought a new coffee table, how would he make me feel crap about that, how would I have to justify spending the money without 'discussing' it with him first.
It's so silly, I keep reminding myself he's not here. But like earlier- he's reaction to me walking down the road -y immediate thought was how cross he would be that I wasn't at work / cleaning the house / just being alive.
I know that it's now immaterial and the fact he's slagging me off to everyone - she wasn't at work / she's got a new car blah blah blah. Doesn't bother me. I just can't wait for the day I can buy a loaf of bread or book a holiday without thinking what his opinion on it is.

That takes time. I can remember being in Asda and automatically putting something in the basket that I always bought because 'he' liked it, and then tears pouring down my face when I put it back (WTF I wasn't even missing him)
The veggi food and the coffee table ... accept that you feel concerned and then celebrate (remind yourself) that you don't need to.
The car - well I guess you will get some kickback from that as he can see it.

Our bodies reactions to stress and excitement are exactly the same. So whenever you feel that rush of adrenaline try reminding yourself that it is excitement not fear (a bit like a white knuckle ride) - it's fear and excitement mixed - it's (to an extent) up to us which we register it as. (It works for me sometimes but not every time)

Dear Awesmum. I've come to your story late and have read back through and you really are awesome You've been through a living hell and now thankfully/wonderfully are out the other side... have a look at some of the podcasts of littleshaman.org about recovering from narcissistic abuse. Might help with making some sense of how come you are feeling so traumatised and scared now. Wish you the very best of everything in your new life xx

It's a bit like PTSD that you are going through. You had to hold it together while you were with him and now your body is relaxing (out of the warzone) and knows its okay to let go sometimes. It would be strange if you didn’t feel that way.

It does take time to come to terms with all the emotions. It will get easier but it is impossible for anyone to tell you how long you will feel this way. It takes as long as it takes. You might want to look into a course of CBT Therapy, it might help clarify your thoughts.

You have already achieved so so much, many women don’t leave but you have had the strength to do it, remember that.

It all take time op. After I left my abusive ex, I went to buy a mobile phone as he kept mine. I remember standing in the shop in terror as I don’t know which phone to buy, as he wasn’t there to make the decision for me. I just walked out and went home. It took me two months to get another phone

As others have said, it's all a matter of time, 'experience', and acknowledgment. The more things you do where you fret about him and then 'ta-da' nothing happens, the more your psyche will learn that you don't need to worry. And by repetition, your psyche will learn not to go on 'high alert'. But you need to learn to acknowledge and celebrate those things. Even if all you do is say out loud to yourself "I did thus-and-so and worried about his response and nothing happened. Hooray for me!!!".

It'll come. You'llsee.

I think you need to do "self talk".... You know how you tell yourself things until you believe it? Speak to yourself as you would to a friend. Sometimes that's the only way it will stick. "His opinion is crazy and it doesn't matter."... "You are conditioned to imagine his feelings and they don't affect you anymore....." Repeat these things when you feel them coming and your voice will win out. (I am doing this when I feel my mother's voice in my head - and the woman's been dead two years. I'm winning at last. It does take time, though!!!). (*Disclaimer - she had 47 years to do her damage. Pretty sure your DH didn't have quite that long to infect you!)

Op it will take time for those feelings and worry to start to subside. I'm 7 years on from your current situation and it is better than it was.
My worries about what XH might do will never disappear completely and DD who is now 10 has started to cotton on as to how her dad is.
But a few yrs ago I decided I had to stop walking on eggshells and I've managed to an extent.
Things have recently kicked off again but I can handle it much better now

Is he allowed to collect early from nursery? That might be something to keep a record of because if the Court said DD had to go on her set days to nursery.... but not stipulated a length of time. He could collect her after only 5 minutes but he isn't breaking the Court Ruling as technically she has been.

Just re-read where you said DD has to go the full time on her nursery days. Therefore if he is collecting her early, he has breached the Order already.

Would nursery keep a log of his timings of drop off and collection?

Yes ask if the nursery might keep a list of times. They seemed to be helpful before

Hello lovely awesmum. Regarding your visceral reactions to your bastard STBXH, yes - it's definitely like PTSD, or CPTSD. Those of us who have survived abusive marriages all know what you're talking about. We have all experienced it, and speaking for myself, I continue to have to be mindful about unwanted thoughts almost 30 years later.

So hang on in there and try to push those bad thoughts out of your head whenever they appear. He is a twat and a bully. I'm sure you know all about Grey Rock Technique, which is very effective once mastered. In time, you may need some counselling to get to grips with your thoughts and feelings. But for now, you are doing brilliantly.

Think good thoughts, think about your bright new future, know that we all think you are marvellous!

I hope you get DD back tomorrow with no drama!

Hi awesmum, I read your last thread and this one and just wanted to chime in with some support during this shit time, I cannot believe how awful your STBXH is and how he’s treating your DD is really scary. Wishing you and your family a happy Easter!

I think the fact that you're thinking about what his (oppressive) opinion would be of your actions and choices shows that you are emerging from under it! It doesn't feel good, does it. It feels so much better to be able to make those choices for yourself, without being judged. He doesn't hold that power over you any more.

I hope you had a great Easter op xxx

Hope you had a lovely family day on Monday op. Wishing you a drama free week x

Thank you everyone for your good wishes over Easter. I hope you all had a lovely time too. I managed to brave going to a friends house for a bbq which was lovely. I admit to a minor melt down before leaving the house, but with my eldest DD's support I pulled it out of the bag - I hate relying on the kids for support, it should be me supporting them.

Having the family over was absolutely lovely and youngest DD had a great time, she shared her toys, played with her cousins and was giggling for ages, just to think if he were here she would have missed out on that! She got loads of Easter eggs as well, obviously for her health and teeth I shall be forced to help her eat them all.

I got my tattoo! I had a tribute to the kids, as they are my motivation for everything I do.

Having the tattoo reminded me of the things that he said to me, like the single most unattractive thing about me was my tattoo- which I had done when I was 18 - waaaay before meeting him. It's not obvious or tacky and quite hidden. It bought to mind other things, I was talking with friends at the bbq, and they were saying how there was nothing of me - weight wise. He always used to say
How I would be much more attractive if I lost a bit of weight off my tummy, the way I stood made me look fat. The way I sat gave me a roll on my tummy. The clothes I wore made me look fat and so on. This from a man who was told constantly that he was punching about his weight with me (horrible expression). It made me think of the things he did that I found unattractive in him - but never bought up and threw in his face. They way every evening he would fill the table by the sofa with junk food and sit there gorging on it in the same position as Jabba the hut (nice mental picture for you!) then eat all the kids packed lunch food. Me having to resort to hiding from him so they had lunches.
The fact he permanently had his arse (not a nice one either) hanging out of his trousers - everyone commented on it. I used to buy him belts he refused to wear them. Him wearing the same clothes day after day I would have to remove them (from the floor, not his body!) to wash them . All these little reminders help me.

But now I am not sleep walking checking doors and windows are locked, I wake myself downstairs checking we are safe. I think a trip to the dr's maybe in order.

Big hug xxx