Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

[awesmum]

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

You know what? I dig that you don't think it was a success, but it was, maybe, 90% of what you wanted and DD needed, and 0% of what he wanted. So, a very acceptable win there.

In the meantime, there's the Court saying do this, don't do that. Etc. Who do you think is going to come out ahead with this, you or him?

You got this.

So, you have primary residency. He can no longer take her to work, he must take her to nursery. He must return her on time and not speak to you unless it's about DD. I think that's very positive!!

As far as his access time, it's more than you wanted, but less than he wanted, right? And NOT 50/50. That'll do for now.

I honestly think that now that he's not allowed to have her as he pleases nor keep her at work that he'll be less insistent on having her. Was anything said about attaching power of arrest for non-return?

Has anything been said about who pays for what days at Nursery? Because it seems to me if he's using nursery as child care for his overnight days, then he should have to pay for nursery for those days on top of child maintenance. Of course, only bring that up if it's to your advantage.

Onwards and upwards. Just do keep track of how well he sticks to the access schedule, especially if he cancels days.

Good point re: paying for nursery on his days! You need all the help you can get and that toad isn’t helping out at all. He will be resistant and the judge won’t like that at all.

My only concern about asking him to pay when it's his day's, is if he says he will not work those day's and reduce her day's formally at nursery.

Or is he not allowed too? I know he has to send her on her booked days, but if they were formally reduced then he wouldn't.

Has he got the "power" to do that?

If not, ask for payment

I know it sounds positive. I have all fingers, arms, toes and legs crossed it goes well. I had to sit and take my thoughts and feelings out of the equation about what I want and how I feel about him. I had to ignore his wishes / wants and bullying tactics and focus on what would be best for DD and my other DC. To allow us breathing space from him on a weekly basis, he wanted to be in and out of our lives every other day with access split over a 2 week period. It would have been so controlling and restrictive. He doesn't have that now.
He got an extra day - what he originally wanted. But not what he was after by the end, he wanted 50:50. He has her eow and 2 nights mid week every other week. But we get a big block of no contact or control by him. Which allows us breathing space.

I am not going to address him paying for nursery until we get to court, I think the fact he doesn't pay any of her care adds to the claim he's not primary carer and only thinking of himself. Also when we go about the divorce and deal with financial there it will add to that too.

I am truly to positive spin on this for all the kids, and hopefully once we're in the routine of it it will settle. I am basing this on him behaving- but I don't hold my breath.

He tried to pull some power tactics in court with me by staring down the table at me, sitting back in the chair, he's such a dick.

What did the judge say about her medical needs being neglected?

I've just read through both your threads...
You are amazing! Well done for getting this far, and for being so strong in the process!
Sending good thoughts your way 💐💐

You are doing amazing.

If his intimidation is still working on you at court you could try and play arsehole bingo. You choose five things he does to try and control and intimidate then tick them off in your head when he does them. It distracts your mind from what he wants you to feel to just to ticking them off. By the end you might find yourself hoping he does the last one so you have bingo by the end of the day.

Was her skin cream addressed in the court order?

As a grandparent carer, I went through similar. In the court waiting room, he used to put his foot out to trip me up and in court kicked the back of my seat continually. He would even tell me to fuck off whilst in there. I used to go and sit in the criminal court area because there was a better clientele. No really, I am not joking. The court was cleared twice when he lost his rag. It was really scary in such a small space.

In our case, it was eow with no midweek and no holidays save for a week in the summer. He tried to disrupt this a few years back but the Judge refused his application other than adding two days to the summer holiday for the remainder of the order which amounted to six days over three years!

His behaviour at contact handovers led to contact collections being moved from 2 minutes walk from his home to 10 miles away at a family member's home where the door could be firmly shut on him should be cause issues. This was our original position, but the court felt public handover was better. Sadly it was not as he would hold onto my grandson and refuse to hand him back causing him distress.

Waiting til June gives contact time to settle and you need to keep notes about any difficult contact handovers that upset or unsettle your dd.

Hilariously, when he was in the criminal Crown Courts he claimed he had midweek contact with my gs so he could get his curfew lifted ie he was not allowed out between 7 pm and 7 am and banned from all off licences and pubs in the area. This went down well in family court and the Judge asked to see his probation report which did not make for happy reading.

I am really happy you have some breathing space to get your life back on track now. But do not lower your guard because he will be vengeful and angry.

You have done an amazing job of keeping everything together despite all the (twatty) odds.

At least he has some clear boundaries now. I'm sure he will cross the line at some point, which while not good for your daughter atm, in the long run I truly believe she will be better off not having contact at all with him. When her personality develops and she wants to do things he doesn’t, there will be conflict.

Have your phone recording whenever you have handover contact.

If your daughter is not allowed to go to his work, who will be looking after her when he is at work?

Best wishes

That sounds fairly positive for your DD and you. By June you'll know how it's working out and can go to your next hearing armed with that information.

I’m glad the order stipulated not being cared for at his workplace and that she goes to nursery.
His addressing the court when being told not to just makes it obvious that he is unlikely to follow orders.
This may work in your favour going forward.

Sorry I have not responded to questions, I am sure you appreciate after a heck of a week last week, and needed to recharge my batteries.

@reallybadinterview - it was mentioned but no more. The reason is the court wanted to push this to be a final hearing but I wanted to gather evidence to ensure that DD gets the best out come not just 'well we're here let's deal with it now' that's how it would have been.

@Handsfull13 I love your idea. I have been playing a game of you're invisible to me so far and looking straight through him. I saw him the other day in a car park, he stopped in the middle of it blocking traffic to sit and stare me in a very intimidating manner again, ironically a guy Who's a friends husband was walking by and so I made a point of introducing myself to him in front of Twat and having a pleasant chat with this guy, Twat zoomed off in a fury.

It's a bit of a change of tactic to me, because I have been for so long terrified of him, but I want him to see that he's not affecting me.

@ElsieMc I am sorry you've been through this sort of horror. I hope things have settled for your gs. Don't panic it will be many many years before I let my guard down for him. Even when shall I be nice and see if he wants her for a couple of hours on his birthday (it's on a Sunday in a few weeks) I give myself a quick slap and remind myself what a piece of crap he is.

@longtimelurkerhelen I told my barrister I had been recording hand overs she said that the court looks very badly on those that do it and to stop straight away. Apparently it puts undue pressure on the child - she has no idea it happens- neither does he. However I think I maybe just going for a run or returning from a run in future and absentmindedly forget to switch my go-pro off.

Lastly he brought her back from his weekend- with obvious eczema on her legs again and on her feet to the point her skin has split and bled. All pictured and documented. She's absolutely knackered, very shouty and shouting no at us all a lot, DS turned and said 'he's ruining her.' She'll be back to her pleasant self again after a few days at home, a lot calmer, speaking rather than shouting and growling (no exaggeration she growls at us if she doesn't get what she wants) but she'll start speaking and saying what she wants / doesn't want again soon, then back to him. She back to panicking where I am, even when she had a play date she wanted me to sit with her and hug her all the time.

We have been doing lots of positive things. I have made her a chart so she can see where she is when so she can follow and count days between and over visits. Hopefully having that up may give her a little stability to be able physically see when and where.

@awesmum

It must make you want to weep with fury and sadness they way she is when he returns her to you. What do you think is happening to make her behave this way?

Definitely leave the go pro running.I would also get a front and rear camera for your car and keep that running all the time.

You have amazing patience, I know that you have to, but still.

Don't feel you have to respond on here, you have enough pressure, just do it if you want to vent.

What outcome is it that you want for your daughter. What evidence are you gathering for the best outcome?

You can’t actually ask him that she needs
Meal times
Bedtimes
Bath times all the normal things when it’s his time to have her
Sadly you can’t even ask him to have her cream on either.

Yes it’s neglect I grant you but you can’t enforce it and neither can the courts can they because there is no one there to police it unless the SS are involved. I’m very surprised that nursery haven’t reported him to them personally.

I know you’ve said above he isn’t allowed to take her to work how is that policed also? I’d be inclined to report him anonymously for that alone because you won’t know unless you ask your daughter outright but the courts won’t take her comments into consideration as she is only 2. They’ll think you are being spiteful.

At present he has her 2 days a week. He wanted 50:50. In fact he wanted more didn’t he, Will he want this in June? Is June the final hearing?

You’ve been told to stop filming, which I find worrying I’d go for the go pro too as you can be in danger here as you know he’s unpredictable.

He has her 3 nights not 2. If I can prove that he isn't treating her eczema then I can argue that having her more than 2 nights is detrimental as as you say I can't enforce basic care in his time. Also I shall record if he has her when at work.

He can argue you do the creams so You’ll need written proof from your GP it’s daily or she’ll have flare ups and scaring in later life.

Also how will you record when he’s at work with her? I’d just report him to health and safety takes you out of the equation if done anonymously he’ll think it’s one of the work force and won’t be able to prove who. Dont endanger yourself.

If he argues that I do creams not him it backs up my argument that I am primary carer which is what he's claiming he is. Which is why he wants 50:50. I already have documentation that he's not treated her eczema from the doctor. I will get them regularly to show he doesn't.

Have you asked him to do her cream?

I would attempt to get it in writing that je isn't doing it as evidence. I.e message him and say please do her creams and say if he hasnt got cream to ask for some for ehen she is at his

..when

There is nothing I can say that I haven't already said.
My thoughts are with you and your dd. Sending you a virtual hug xx

This morning I passed by the Twat on the way to work, he'd just dropped D.D. off at nursery, after seeing me he proceeded to turn his car around ( it's a long straight country lane) and follow me up the road, this is the 3rd time he's either followed or stopped to stare at me this week. I am going to see if it is an incredible coincidence tomorrow on my way to work or if not will be contacting the police again. When will this bloody stop? I dare not tell anyone in rl because it all sounds so farcical.

Is it worth getting a front and rear cam for your car?

Get the dash cams there are some that are not too expensive but do get the 1080p full hd as the others are not good enough. Front and rear.

Take a look

www.amazon.co.uk/s?hvlocphy=9045889&hvnetw=g&rnid=423108031&hvadid=259032786185&k=front+and+rear+car+camera&qid=1554911105&ref=sr_nr_p_n_feature_two_browse-bin_2&s=price-asc-rank&rh=n%3A1104372%2Cp_n_feature_two_browse-bin%3A423110031&hvpos=1t1&hvdev=c&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-305805982540&dc&adgrpid=55990288234&hvrand=10154196189899642902

If you are not too tech savvy, ask your eldest daughter, she will probably be able to help.

Report to police, even if it's just to keep on record.