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Original poster

Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

943 replies

awesmum · 12/03/2019 19:00

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

OP posts:
queenrollo · 01/04/2019 09:08

That behaviour from him is harassment, and logging it with the police is a good idea.
I am so sorry that your daughter had that experience.

You are doing so well, you just keep going even when faced with really difficult circumstances.

seahorse85 · 01/04/2019 09:19

@awesmum

You've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. We naturally feel guilty about anything to do with our children - and we all make choices we wish we hadn't (god knows I've made plenty!) and your eldest daughter will do too.

The important thing is you removed him from her life, and you put your kids first. That's fantastic parenting! She will see that. Kids just see the world through their eyes - she's still only 18 - she will know what you've done for her, and also what you're up against.

By the same token he needs to back off from her place of work. I'd definitely report it either to her superiors or maybe the police - partly because he's a creep who needs to back off - but also so she can see you have her back.

Then do something lovely for yourself! You deserve it. WineThanks

Weenurse · 01/04/2019 09:44

Good luck 💐

QueenMabby · 01/04/2019 10:59

Oh awesmum.
You are doing the most brilliant job in the most awful of circumstances. I just wanted to come on here and tell you that my heart goes out to you and I think you’re amazing. Hang in there.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/04/2019 11:15

At some point, I think your daughter might benefit from counselling, there will be things she needs to discuss in a neutral environment. A place where she can explore how she feels and understand how some people end up controlling others.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2019 13:57

I think the 'wall' your DD had built to protect herself from your ex was beginning to come down because she felt she'd never have to see his face again. So when she saw him it made her feel vulnerable and frightened. And as is usual with teens, they take it out on the person they feel safest with, and that's generally us! I think counseling is a good idea for her, possibly for both of you. She probably has lots of things she needs or wants to say that may be best said in a controlled environment with a trained third party to mediate.

What he did to her was beyond intimidating and stalkerish. I'd definitely call the police and file a report, even if it was just done as a formality. There needs to be an official record. And yes to letting your new solicitor know, too.

You say she thinks her new boss knows him? Is she sure of this and how well does she think he knows your ex? If so, sadly, she may want to find another job. The last thing the lot of you need is for him to have any kind of 'window' into your lives. If this boss is a 'friend' he is a conduit of information for your ex. And if your ex feels that he can gain something from this man, he'll be sure to cultivate him.

If your DD decides she really wants to stay, she needs to be aware that she should say NOTHING at work about you and your family's lives. Not even what you had for dinner last night! And that she needs to be very aware of being asked 'probing' questions.

Mix56 · 01/04/2019 14:26

yes please do report to Police.
And if this is his behaviour towards your DD it would be interesting what the judge would think on Wednesday.... he is clearly not respectful father figure, deliberately stalking & frightening his (X)step daughter at work....
it was deliberately inhibiting

Original poster
awesmum · 01/04/2019 17:49

Very gently I have suggested that she goes to the police with me, she's reluctant as he 'hasn't done anything' I explained that he was intimidating and threatening. I will let her mull it over this evening and chat to her again tomorrow.

Women's Aid say we must report it.

DD has spoken to her immediate boss at the new job and explained the situation. They were very sympathetic.

I have ordered some personal alarms for all of us, it wouldn't help while she's at work, but there is security there so she could use them. But it may put her mind at rest the rest of the time.

I have been wandering around in a bit of a daze about his behaviour- he bought DD up from 10 years old and treats her like this. I really did not know this man at all, I can't not believe that I married him let alone allowed him anywhere near my babies!

I also am tempted to contact his sister and say sorry as he's nc with her and painted her out to be a complete villain to everyone- exactly what he's done to me.

I know a lot of you have said to do the freedom program- I am on the waiting list, but in the meantime am doing my own version - me time, my kids time. Learn about us and our likes and dislikes. What makes us happy and fulfils us.

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 01/04/2019 18:19

Oh god, he doesn't stop does he. I would definitely report tomorrow, before the court hearing on Wednesday. You would think he would behave until then wouldn't you.

I'm sure your daughter will come round.

I would hold fast on contacting his sister until everything else is settled via court.

Mix56 · 01/04/2019 20:51

Difficult one. Maybe remind her that a week or so ago, she was distraught by what was happening to her baby sister, & this could help your family get him away from you all.

justilou1 · 02/04/2019 08:17

Sick man... maybe police can get copies of surveillance as well.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2019 17:30

As far as DD, you've done what you can do. You've offered comfort, gentle support, and made the suggestion to report. It's up to her now. Hopefully, this will be a 'one off'. But if not, at least her employer is aware of it.

Did WA say why it 'must' be reported? Can you log it without her being there as opposed to reporting it as a crime?

I'm not surprise at his volte-face regarding DD. He simply cannot accept fault so must point fingers at others as being 'to blame' for his own actions. You've now stood up to him and shown him that you aren't going to take his shit lying down, so he has to find another scapegoat. And he's not going to point a finger at anyone who might fight back. I daresay that if DD were a rugby playing teenage hulk-boy, he wouldn't have shown up at his work and glared at him!

As much as I can understand why you want to, I wouldn't contact his sister. Let that particular sleeping dog lie. The time may come when it is right to contact her, but that time is not now. She may have moved on with her life to the point where she doesn't want the past to be dragged up. But wait until after the emotional and legal dust has settled. Then see if you feel the same.

longtimelurkerhelen · 02/04/2019 19:57

@awesmum

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow. Hope you get full custody.

HazelBite · 02/04/2019 20:20

Good luck for tomorrow Flowers

queenrollo · 02/04/2019 20:46

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. You're going to have a whole host of MNetters there with you in spirit!

drinkswineoutofamug · 02/04/2019 20:59

Good luck tomorrow x

Mrsmummy90 · 02/04/2019 21:47

Good luck for tomorrow. I hope they take away his contact! Xx

MotherOfDragonite · 02/04/2019 22:16

Best of luck, Awesmum, you'll be amazing. I hope the judge sees right through him. We'll all be thinking of you.

Lunde · 02/04/2019 22:22

Wishing you the best of luck for tomorrow Flowers

Daftapath · 02/04/2019 22:44

I will also be thinking of you tomorrow and hope that you get the right outcome Thanks

Hopefully, dd1 has also calmed down and agreed to report xh to the police. He is becoming increasingly creepy.

Original poster
awesmum · 02/04/2019 23:02

It's been a majorly busy day today, due to a momentous fuck up by the previous solicitors I have not been granted legal aid, so have been flying around sorting out funds for barrister and solicitor tomorrow- I won't be unrepresented! In case you are worried I still have both kidneys 😆

DD eldest wants to see if it's a one off, she's agreed to report if it happens again. Personal attack alarms are being delivered tomorrow as is cctv for the external of the house.

I will keep you informed as to what happens. It's lovely knowing you guys are at my back Thanks

OP posts:
IndieRar · 02/04/2019 23:02

Rooting for you tomorrow. X

RandomMess · 02/04/2019 23:16

Rooting for you Thanks

Wipe the floor with the ex solicitor is next on the list...

Mrsmummy90 · 02/04/2019 23:39

Omg your ex-solicitor sounds about as useful as a paper bathtub!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2019 23:40

Best of luck tomorrow. Go get 'em, 'Tigress'.

And I'm glad that you and DD are back on track. I think she's made a good decision.

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