Fiancé won’t help pay for the wedding!

[CambridgeKat25]

Hi, I need some advice on how to move forward on a problem I have with my fiancé. We’re getting married in June and everything is booked and sorted. We’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 1 and a half, and he’s always paid his half of the bills no problem. However, it’s been a consistent problem that he’s always in debt (large credit card bill each month, living from his overdraft, etc).

When we moved in, his father paid our deposit and the rest of the moving budget was covered by me alone - including all furniture and decorating, totalling many thousands of £ from my savings that I’d sacrificed much to earn (I was only 24 and not in a particularly high paid job). He saw his contribution as the large sum put in by his father. I’ve tried to let this slide and have succeeded until now, when financial tensions have re-surfaced due to the wedding.

He’s insistent he has no money, and budget sheets verify this. We earn the same amount, but with his commuting train fare and large debts, he has very little spare income. I accept this and I’m glad my income is slightly more balanced so I can contribute more to house repairs to take the pressure off us.

However, what spare income he does have isn’t coming to me to pay his debt to me. I paid for most of the wedding myself, and I’ve borrowed the rest from my dad. I am now solely paying dad’s loan back by myself, as well as having more final payments looming - plus everything I’ve already spent. On his side, he’s contributed £100 total. It’s upsetting me and the pressure is too much. I’m a freelancer and don’t exactly have loads left over myself. I also sell some graphic design bits online for extra cash. If this carries on, I’ll need a 3rd job as I can’t pay for an entire wedding like this. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but it’s nice to get this off my chest.

We’ve had 3 or 4 very big discussions about this but nothing changes, even though he understands the implications on me. He says he has no cash, then he’ll impulse transfer me £50 to shut me up - making it obvious he’s now on zero until payday, and blaming me. I don’t see any regular or impulse payments after this happens. If I kept quiet after this, I’d never see another penny. He isn’t prepared to set up a regular payment as he ‘never knows what he’ll have left.’

Tonight he went for a beer with his friends. Fine, I think, he still needs a life and a beer is only £5. Now I find out he’s gone to another city and is clubbing. When this happens, upwards of £50 will be spent. This will be his only spare money the entire month. I also found out when I was away last week he bought 2 takeaways and lots of beer in my absence.

I am furious that I am sacrificing almost all my activities to pay for this wedding and he is doing nothing. I appreciate he is poor at the moment but I assumed he’d want to help any way he could. I want him to have a life and have fun but in a restrained way so we can equally share the burden and rewards. I’ve been endlessly fair and restrained.

I’ve previously given an ultimatum that I will cancel the wedding if he doesn’t try and save up - but his stubbornness and pride means any difficult conversation is just shut down and never brought back up. Ultimatums and threats are useless if he doesn’t listen.

I am completely lost, frustrated, and scared. He’s not like this about anything other than money. Any ideas how I can resolve this without causing the ‘shut down’ we have no matter how understanding I am in conversation?!

😒 you WILL NOT cancel the wedding OP, because YOU don’t want to! YOU want to get married, ultimately, that is why you’ve pushed this whole fiasco to where it is now.

Borrowing money, putting both of your in a financially detrimental position, bitching and winging about him not changing, when it sounds like he’s been very upfront about who he is right from the beginning! YOU want him to be different so you’re trying to force it and won’t accept the facts- if he’s prioritising other stuff over paying for the wedding - it doesn’t mean that much to him!

Now a sensible woman would cut her losses, accept that, and move on! However, you strike me as the kind who will instead beat him over the head with how ‘all the people online think you should leave him’ and try, once again, to coerce what you want from him!

😒 At this point you’re just gonna get a lot of empty promises and bullshit because he wants a quiet life, but has no intention of changing/helping to pay for the wedding.

I have ZERO sympathy for you, other than you are quite young (although only 2 years less than me- but we’re very different levels of maturity).

STOP FORCING YOUR SQUARE TO BE A CIRCLE- AND PLAYING THE VICTIM- BIN HIM OFF AND FIND A CIRCLE!

-at this point I think you’re honestly as bad as he is!

I think best to postpone wedding, work on paying off the debts and see. He doesnt sound great or particularly keen and deferring will also give you time to think about whether he is the one for you. Whats the rush to get married, much better to take your time and be sure about his attitude to money.

Its concerning that hes happy to let you take the strain ... what about in the future when you want kids will you be taking all the strain there too? think you have a lot to think about here. Good luck

He is clearly not invested in this wedding.

Imagine 10 years from now being married to him with 2 young children, you struggling to work full-time and cover childcare costs and he still incurs more debt. Is that the life you imagine because it is a reality for a lot of women who ignored the signs and push on and get married and think if they hold the purse strings tightly, all will be well. It won't be.

How big are the debts, if it’s taking so long to pay them off?!

Are we talking a low earner who is only paying off a few quid a month (presumably not if he’s paying so much to travel to work), or are these debts really substantial?

Are you planning on merging your assets and debts with this man?

If you still truly love him and want to marry then have a wedding you can jointly afford.

I’ve just re-read the op. You said you are paying the dads loan off, but dp said that was his contribution to the moving cost etc. Therefore, dp actually didn’t pay anything from the outset.

Definitely he is singing from a different financial hymn sheet, as he tricked you in thinking he had contributed via his dads money, but actually he has contributed absolutely nothing (as that was actually a loan).

He genuinely cares about me

No, no he doesn't. If he did, he'd keep his promises about paying down his debt, paying his way and taking extra work.

Completely unselfish

WTF? He went out clubbing and drinking using the only cash he's got for the whole month, whilst you are talking about taking on a third job!!

Listen to yourself. You are making excuses for him. Stop looking at the man you think he is and see what's actually in front of you. When someone shows you who they are then pay attention.

• he wants a decent sized wedding but is making no effort to pay for it.
• he contributed nothing towards the purchase of the house because he had a parental financial gift.
• he's making no effort to pay down his debts.
• he's completely financially irresponsible.

DO NOT MARRY HIM.
DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

@petalflowers if you re-read I think his dad's money was a gift. OP is in debt to her dad for the wedding. Which I can't really blame the DP for as it wasn't him that has borrowed money. Both responsible for spending on a wedding that can't be afforded.
Not that this materially changes anything as either way he still isn't financially competent or being remotely mature about his finances now.

One thing that struck me when reading some comments about sitting down together and helping him face up to his debts, taking over his salary and paying his debts for him and making payment plans.
You have taken on extra work so that he can just have one job.

And given it was you and his father that set up your home

Is that you have taken on the mother role rather than a partner role.

He isn’t going to be contributing to any wedding because he doesn’t want to marry his mother and that I think is how he sees you.

When you look at your actions and his they are not the actions of people who are supposed to be getting married in 3 months time but of a parents marriage and a reluctant child who will begrudgingly just turn up on the day.

You have a solution - leave him before he drains you completely, both financially and emotionally. How you could contemplate marrying him is beyond me. He will be a constant drain on your finances and emotions forever more - no man is worth that.

but his stubbornness and pride means any difficult conversation is just shut down and never brought back up. Ultimatums and threats are useless if he doesn’t listen.

It doesn't seem like he's that into you, he's also a stonewaller. The universe is giving you an opportunity to make a much better future. Grab it with both hands.

I really really want to find a solution though

Relationships only flourish when both people want to find a solution. He doesn't. He isn't bothered. He's quite happy to stay a child and have you do all the thinking and planning.

Your relationship sounds more like parent and child. You are the responsible, loving parent doing everything possible to give your child everything he wants whilst at the same time smiling indulgently when he goes out with his mates spending money he can't really afford because, you know, he is only young once bless him. Ugh, he is one of those people who want what they want and don't worry about how they can afford it, after all he can just put it on credit, get Daddy to stump up cash and now he has a Mummy to make all his wishes and dreams come through while she knackers herself working two/three jobs to make what HE wants happen. Wake up and smell the coffee love, this relationship has long-term disaster written all over it. Sorry if this is harsh, but I am getting the distinct impression you are not really facing up the reality of your situation and think you can change him - big, big mistake. For god's sake call off the wedding now, recoup what you can and stop paying anything except your share of living expenses and separate.

My close friend married a guy like his. Their totally different attitudes to money were a large factor in the breakdown of the relationship when they had a child and she wanted to take some time off work.

On divorce the fact that he came to the marriage with debts so she contributed much more cash has counted against her.

She is now fighting to keep the house that she has largely paid for because he's entitled to half the equity. Its so hard when the wedding is all planned and you are swept up in the arrangements but please at least delay things.

Life brings tough times and a lot of shit. In the run up to your wedding when you have 2 salaries and no kids and he isn't arsed about contributing a fair share this is not a man to share your life with.

Things will not improve.My friend who has never had a high wage but worked and saved really hard has lost all her savings and security and her irresponsible ex will come out of it all way better off.

Not Rtft but I can see I’m going to go against the grain here. I would not leave him over this. Why is it acceptable for a woman to earn fa in a relationship but not a man? Literally a poster was complaining the other day that her bf didn’t have a job (she didn’t either- as she wanted to be a ‘sahm’ & everyone was telling her to leave him.) Honestly OP take the advice on here with a huge bucket of salt because their usually accompanied with the posters own prejudice. Now that being said, he can’t contribute financially- but does he contribute in other ways for it? Making arrangements? Sending invites? If not I would ask if he definitely wants to marry you because overall he doesn’t seem invested in the wedding. But if he does do those things, then fine, that’s his contribution. You will have to accept you will always have to pay for everything if you stay with him & come to peace with it so you don’t resent him for that. But that is your choice and ultimately your perogative.

Please do not marry this man. He's a freeloader.

If you get married, you'll end up paying the mortgage. Want a baby? Who's going to pay the bills when you're on maternity leave? You'll sendup trapped, resentful and up to your eyes in dept.

Then when you do get divorced, you risk him taking half of everything you've paid for.

Please think very careful about if this is the life you want for yourself.

Wake up

You would not be breaking up with him ‘over money’, you’d be breaking up with him because he’s a manipulative, selfish, irresponsible dick head.

You might think you love him. I guarantee you’ll wonder why you stayed with this dickhead for so long once you’re out of it.

If you’re stupid enough to stay with him, your life WILL be miserable. Guaranteed.

@Bubblegumgal he says he has no money then goes clubbing in another city. Shuts down conversations about his lack of contribution to the wedding feeling justified because his dad paid the deposit a while back.

@CambridgeKat25

Has your fiancée seen a financial advisor?

Thanks again everyone for your advice. It's been a real eye-opener and very healthy for me to see.

As an update, I sat him down last night and had a serious chat - not for the first time - but this time I stood my ground. Not easy! At first he spoke over me and put the TV on, saying it's not the right time to talk. Then he shouted at me, telling me I was making him depressed. Finally I got through to him after standing in front of the TV and insisting we discussed it. I hate being forceful and controlling but I was at the end of my tether, and your comments had spurred me into acting.

I asked if he'd go on a payment plan of £100 a month for 2 years to cover his half of the wedding money. Although this still wouldn't cover 50%, I'd be happy with the contribution.

He finally let his guard down a little and admitted having no money is ruining his life and he's got so much to pay for at the moment that he wishes we'd have planned a smaller wedding. Too late as everything is paid for now - not just deposits. If I'd known he was so broke, we would have planned a more modest wedding. He was the one who chose this style wedding, not me. He's been very involved in all other areas.

Anyway, he signed up to a £100 a month direct debit via his bank in front of me. This means I saw his account. Guys, he's a 27 year old man and his entire life savings are £150, and he's in his overdraft in his main account. This is why he gives up and buys takeaways and beer - he doesn't see a way out now. Being paid puts him slightly in the positive and then by the end of the month he's back at -£1000 - his limit.

Seeing the reality of his situation nearly broke me down but I didn't say anything right then, and gratefully accepted the £100 a month to go out on his payday. I was very careful how I reacted and dealt with it. However, later on I asked him to come to a financial councillor with me and he agreed. The rest of the night we got on brilliantly, cuddling and both more cheerful. He's asked me to book it ASAP.

I hope this will be the start of him recovering, and me understanding his situation more and therefore being able to help him.

If he can't fix this, I can't stay with him. I appreciate what you're all saying and I agree. I'm determined to give him one serious chance to fix it first, now we've looked at it maturely and logically. But this is it - his only chance. I refuse to live like this. Kill or cure.

It's a shame the wedding is so close, but we'll have to go on how dedicated he is in the next few weeks to getting the ball rolling.

Thanks again guys. It's a great supportive environment here and I read every one of your comments.

Ok let's go back to basics.

How much does he earn and how much debt is he in? Has he looked at debt management plans.

At the moment the way forward you have both decided on is treating him like your child and not an equal partner in a mature relationship.

Also as it seems to be me you won't change your mind about getting married, I would be cutting right down on anything you can do.

Have a look at all your contracts and see what you can cancel.

In the West at least, many people are the architects of their own misfortune. You are one such person, sadly.

So you’re going to marry him and have your own credit rating destroyed by his debt? That’s what will happen OP. You become debt laden because you’re married to him. Good luck. You’re going to need it.