Fiancé won’t help pay for the wedding!

[CambridgeKat25]

Hi, I need some advice on how to move forward on a problem I have with my fiancé. We’re getting married in June and everything is booked and sorted. We’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 1 and a half, and he’s always paid his half of the bills no problem. However, it’s been a consistent problem that he’s always in debt (large credit card bill each month, living from his overdraft, etc).

When we moved in, his father paid our deposit and the rest of the moving budget was covered by me alone - including all furniture and decorating, totalling many thousands of £ from my savings that I’d sacrificed much to earn (I was only 24 and not in a particularly high paid job). He saw his contribution as the large sum put in by his father. I’ve tried to let this slide and have succeeded until now, when financial tensions have re-surfaced due to the wedding.

He’s insistent he has no money, and budget sheets verify this. We earn the same amount, but with his commuting train fare and large debts, he has very little spare income. I accept this and I’m glad my income is slightly more balanced so I can contribute more to house repairs to take the pressure off us.

However, what spare income he does have isn’t coming to me to pay his debt to me. I paid for most of the wedding myself, and I’ve borrowed the rest from my dad. I am now solely paying dad’s loan back by myself, as well as having more final payments looming - plus everything I’ve already spent. On his side, he’s contributed £100 total. It’s upsetting me and the pressure is too much. I’m a freelancer and don’t exactly have loads left over myself. I also sell some graphic design bits online for extra cash. If this carries on, I’ll need a 3rd job as I can’t pay for an entire wedding like this. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but it’s nice to get this off my chest.

We’ve had 3 or 4 very big discussions about this but nothing changes, even though he understands the implications on me. He says he has no cash, then he’ll impulse transfer me £50 to shut me up - making it obvious he’s now on zero until payday, and blaming me. I don’t see any regular or impulse payments after this happens. If I kept quiet after this, I’d never see another penny. He isn’t prepared to set up a regular payment as he ‘never knows what he’ll have left.’

Tonight he went for a beer with his friends. Fine, I think, he still needs a life and a beer is only £5. Now I find out he’s gone to another city and is clubbing. When this happens, upwards of £50 will be spent. This will be his only spare money the entire month. I also found out when I was away last week he bought 2 takeaways and lots of beer in my absence.

I am furious that I am sacrificing almost all my activities to pay for this wedding and he is doing nothing. I appreciate he is poor at the moment but I assumed he’d want to help any way he could. I want him to have a life and have fun but in a restrained way so we can equally share the burden and rewards. I’ve been endlessly fair and restrained.

I’ve previously given an ultimatum that I will cancel the wedding if he doesn’t try and save up - but his stubbornness and pride means any difficult conversation is just shut down and never brought back up. Ultimatums and threats are useless if he doesn’t listen.

I am completely lost, frustrated, and scared. He’s not like this about anything other than money. Any ideas how I can resolve this without causing the ‘shut down’ we have no matter how understanding I am in conversation?!

But he doesn't completely love you...sorry. It's harsh but better now before there are children involved. Do you want to be a single mum on the bones of your arse chasing maintence that never comes because that's where you're headed. The hill are that way...head for them.

OP cancel the wedding, you will regret going through this in years to come

So has he taken a second job then? Or third, like you are considering.

aside from finances, he’s genuinely the best partner I could ask for. He works incredibly hard at his job, genuinely cares about me, is completely unselfish and is a really confident, genuine guy.

That being said, this is all contradicted when money comes into the picture

However, our joint ventures are not part of his equation, despite him proposing, wanting the wedding this year, and wanting a medium sized wedding despite me being openly worried about him affording it. He promised he could pay half, even if it meant taking another job. His intentions seemed great.

He’s not kept up with that promise.

If you want the best outcome then cancel the wedding. You don't have to get married this year.

Tell him you realise that the more important thing is for him to 1. manage his debts and 2. be able to contribute to the wedding costs. As he isn't doing the second, as he promised, you'd be exceedingly foolish to keep going.

Love can wait a couple of years till he's in a position to be contributing more than £100.

I am furious that I am sacrificing almost all my activities to pay for this wedding and he is doing nothing

On the other hand he's sending you a very strong signal about who he his and where he positions you in his life. Mates and takeaways first, and a great big moan if you dare to ask him for money.

You need to listen to the great advice you have on your thread. I know it’s hard. I bet you are saying to yourself

“ oh it’s my fault these answers are so negative I didn’t give a balanced view of him, explain how great he is. After all, I’m not perfect either.”

That’s because you can’t see him the way he actually is. You just see the fantasy boyfriend that is in your head, not the real one you actually live with.

Stop listening to his words and look at his actions.

And just to keep you focussed ...... do not make one of the options finding another life partner with similar financial attitudes. That is absolutely something to bear in mind for way in the future, but certainly not right now.

Your options just now are what, if any, future you have with this chap.

Why bother marrying him, he is a waste of time and immature to boot. Don't be blinded by the odd crumb of kindness he throws you. Move on, plenty of good partners out there if you value yourself enough to leave this dead weight one you gave.

@CambridgeKat25 the reason we're all saying "don't marry him" is not because we don't understand how lovely he is aside from the money issues. It is not that you need to explain about his good qualities, which are doubtless many.

It is that many of us have already walked this path before you, or have seen our sisters or dearest friends walk it, and we know where it leads.

Yes he is lovely. He is also very very bad news as a life partner. He would be a truly terrible father so for gods' sake don't take any risks with the possibility of getting pregnant.

Of course you are free to choose to stay with him. It will then definitely not end well for you. Sorry but it's the truth.

decision that you at MumsNet have been kindly advising on - find someone in a better financial situation

That's not what people have said. His financial situation is not an issue, many people have debts. It's his immaturity and selfishness in dealing with it that's the issue. That he sees you struggling but offers nothing but empty promises and crocodile tears.

aside from finances, he’s genuinely the best partner I could ask for

Taking a fair share of the financial cost of running a home and extra costs like the wedding is essential criteria for being a good partner. Your guy will never be a good partner to you. Being kind and funny and whatnot is nothing if you are left with not only the financial responsibility but also the mental load of managing things whilst your so called partner goes out drinking and pissing money away.

He works incredibly hard at his job, genuinely cares about me, is completely unselfish and is a really confident, genuine guy.

But he's not completely unselfish is he? He knows the wedding is important to you but he's not prepared to sacrifice his nights out with his mates to help enable it.
At the very least you should postpone the wedding until you can see hard evidence that he's prepared to step up and start contributing equally to the wedding. I agree
with others that you're in for an unhappy future if you can't sort out his attitude to his contributions to your life together.

OP I was once your Fiancé. I made bad financial decisions when I was younger and spent a few years having two jobs to pay off my debt. I met my now husband during this time and he was already financially secure. At no time did I expect him to bail me out/cover my contributions to our home and when we got engaged we both saved what we could towards the wedding of our dreams (that took 2 years). This is his chance to prove he can turn his finances around, rather than expect you to support him and the wedding you both want. Good luck OP, I hope he steps up but if he doesn't, please walk away whilst you can.

The moment that ink dries half that debt is yours and any more he decides to incur. All the debt should be cleared before you get married at a bare minimum. You didn't make bad decisions. Don't make one now.

@OP I think most of the reponses have hit the nail on the head here. He is totally financially irresponsible. My mother was married to a man for 22 years who was this way inclined. She worked really hard to purchase a house solely in her name and paid for all repairs and upkeep of the house plus contributed to well over half of the household bills. He continually squandered his money in addition to paying back debt which he had accrued long before he met her. In 22 years he only seemed to manage to acquire more debts! The result of this situation is that they are now divorced and he is getting his hands on half the proceeds of the house sale which he neither earned or deserves!
Delay the wedding as a bare minimum and really think about your future with this man. My mum was warned about her ex husband from the off and she didn’t listen. Now she’s paying the price!

I had a an ex like this, funny witty, charamatic, we did not live together and I eventually woke up and smelt the coffee.

I met and married a lovely man who has the same core values and attitude to money and debt.

Thirty years on we are debt and mortgage free etc, etc, thirty years on he is single (couldn't find someone stupid enough to stay with him) doesn't have his own home, doesn't drive and is still only one pay cheque away from having to move home to his 90 year old mother.

Point being he hasn't changed one iota in thirty years and neither will your young man.

Just what the others have said, OP.

He's sending really clear signals which you are not picking up, because you are blinded by the fact that sometimes he's OK. That's not enough of a reason to marry him.

Don't forget that if you marry him you are entering a legal financial partnership with him. You are the only one that will suffer.

"The moment that ink dries half that debt is yours and any more he decides to incur."

Op if you're in England the above is NOT correct. Any debts in his sole name will remain his, and you would only be liable for future debts if the credit was taken out in your joint names.

Notwithstanding the above, you might find yourself in trouble if you own your own home and creditors decide to make him bankrupt. If that were to happen then hang interest he had in property would belong to the trustee in bankruptcy who would be under a duty to get the value of that interest. In practical terms this would either be as a result of you purchasing that interest, or them taking possession of the property to sell it on the open market.

*hang was meant to be "any"

Run for the fecking hills. Don't choose this life!

Despite the advise on here by those who have far more experience then you, l think OP you will go ahead and marry him.

I bet he can't wait!! Straight away he has lost half his debt as you'll now be liable, he knows that you'll back down from any conversation or ultimation. He knows you won't personally get into debt as you'll put in the hard graft of 3 jobs so he doesn't have too.

And what do you get out of it?

I wish you the best of luck but financially you're screwed long term if you marry him.... and you'll only have yourself to blame as all the signs were there and you recognised them as you started this thread.

genuinely cares about me, is completely unselfish

He doesn't genuinely care enough to stop having takeaways and going clubbing while you are taking a 3rd job to pay for it. How is that being unselfish?

Picking up on losingfaith point about debts in his name being his own....

In an ideal world yes this is true. I have just got divorced from a man who was thousands of ££ in debt when we married. He continued to be shite with money and so when we filled in form e to declare our assests and debts, he put it down. This debt was then taken off the assests so we were left with equally amounts.

So yes, l could have argued it... but at what cost. My divorce had already cost thousands as it was.

This is one of the very few times that i have said this but i would ltb. He needs to do a lot of growing up.

Iggy, where did you get that from, it's rubbish.

Why would you want to marry someone whose shit with money?

Call off the wedding, you don't have to split up just don't marry him.