Advice on not coping with family life

[Daberhashery]

I need some advice as I feel like I cannot cope with being a wife & mother any longer. I literally want to run away, leave my kids, husband and my job every day. How can I stop this feeling? I’ve been having counselling for 6 months but I don’t feel any different or any better. Nothing’s changing for me. I’m just getting more and more likely to get on a train and never look back. ☹️ What can I do?

What is going on with your family? Are you sharing everything with your husband? Including the mental load? Can you buy in practical help (instead of counselling) eg cleaning and childcare. Is there something which is making your family particularly difficult?

You sound overwhelmed. I have felt like this at times I don't have advice I'm sorey but I'm sure someone will be round shortly with some advice for you.

My children are all school age. My husband works shifts so I cover the mornings, he covers the afternoons and evenings. We have a cleaner (albeit a not very good one). My children are spoiled and disrespectful. They spend all their time whining about something or other and treat me like a servant. My marriage is purely functional, no love there. My job is stressful, involves a long commute and is unrewarding.

I felt like this for a long time. It's horrible. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
What helped me was eventually finding the right antidepressants for me (after trying several), alongside therapy. Also, since September, a couple of cardio exercise classes a week have helped me to discharge the stress and negativity that otherwise turn into overwhelming depression.
I still struggle - badly at times - but it's not my first thought every morning. I definitely find it helps to take one day at a time. I really hope you are feeling better soon.

I’ve spent most of this afternoon hiding in my car and trying to find a reason not to run away. I’m struggling. ☹️☹️☹️

It doesn’t help either that I have no one to talk to. Everyone thinks I’ve got such a good life, so many things to be grateful for but inside I’m screaming.

Oh, sounds tough.

What can you change?

Your job?
Separate from your husband?

Focus on making a positive change. Get out more. Do more stuff you like.

As for the kids, what can you do to change their attitude? Do they get pocket money? Unfettered wifi access? Hiring either of those things will make them sit up and listen!

Hitting not hiring, sorry

I wish I could think of something to do for myself. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. Everything seems so pointless.
The kids don’t get pocket money and only eldest uses the web. Although I threw his phone away this morning, so that’s the end of that.

You sound exhausted and depressed. You have a lot on your plate. Is there any chance you could change your job to shorten the commute? Would that help?
It's so hard living in an unhappy/unfulfilling marriage too. I'm trying to escape that myself at the moment.
It's important to try to find some joy for ourselves...

Charlotte - I’m sorry to hear you’re in similar circumstances ☹️
I’d love to leave my job, but I don’t think I have transferable skills. Would mean starting again and I couldn’t take the financial hit. I just feel locked in by my family commitments and unable to succeed at anything. I really yearn for life to be just me, on my own.

Well, if you separated from your husband you would have more alone time, so maybe that's the thing you tackle?

You sound really low. Have you tried your GP?

If I left my husband, unless he took the kids, I wouldn’t be alone. I’d be making myself a single parent, which would add to my stress. I genuinely want to leave everything and not have to put up with anyone else’s shit every day.
GP is where the counselling has come from. It’s realky not doing much for me though. I thought it might help me to find some answers or explain why I feel so desperate all the time. But it hasn’t.

Would you consider medication from the GP? I resisted for years, trying counselling, cbt, self help, etc. Finding the right meds (in conjunction with some good therapy) for me has meant that the edge has been taken off those darkest feelings. I've been more able to see what the actual problems were and see a way forward. It's been a long, hard, slow process but I do think there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. Before I felt like you - that it was all monotonous drudgery for people I wasn't sure I liked anymore and that my life had been consumed by everyone else's needs.
Does your husband know how you feel?

My husband knows how I feel but his answer is always ‘fine, go then’. I think he gave up loving and caring about me a long time ago.
I’m of the opinion that I can’t see why I should take drugs when it’s external things that are making me unhappy. Isn’t that just numbing me to the reality of things rather than dealing with them?

I have felt like this before. Can you book yourself into a hotel for a weekend - somewhere nice with a pool etc. Tell your family you need some time out. They will need to survive without you for a weekend. This could be fine once a month if needed, but start with once.

I like this idea, but I think I would then have to reciprocate for my husband and there is no way I’m spending a whole weekend alone with my kids.

How old are you?

Why should you have to reciprocate? He should understand you need this. This is a mental health emergency. Be a little bit selfish to be kind.

Why?

How old are the children and why do you think they behave badly?

I kind of would have to reciprocate. It wouldn’t be fair

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to ? Friends, mum/sister etc?

OP anti depressants may actually help you make some decisions. If you left your kids would be devastated. But maybe you need to tell them you’re going away for a few weeks while you sort out what you want to do. How old are the kids? I agree you’re depressed and need more help. Go back to your doctor

I mean this kindly when I disagree with your view that 'it's external things that are making me unhappy' as a reason not to take medication for your depression. The external factors that make you unhappy may not affect someone else. It's your inability to cope with these external things that is causing your anxiety and depression. Meds could give you the ability and resilience to cope with your situation. Please go back to your GP.