Advice on not coping with family life

[Daberhashery]

I need some advice as I feel like I cannot cope with being a wife & mother any longer. I literally want to run away, leave my kids, husband and my job every day. How can I stop this feeling? I’ve been having counselling for 6 months but I don’t feel any different or any better. Nothing’s changing for me. I’m just getting more and more likely to get on a train and never look back. ☹️ What can I do?

Yeah sod that shit - get yourself home and warm. This isn't something you're gonna fix this evening. Here's a to warm you up for the way home.

Message here when you get home and I will pour you that or or whatever. x

No, you're definitely not alone daberhashery. Only a few days ago I thought to myself that I can totally understand how mothers do up and leave - when only a few years ago the idea horrified me. I totally relate. I still fantasise about it sometimes.

I will say that when I was at my lowest, I didn't realise how unhappy and disengaged I was around my children. Their behaviour reflected this - constant whining, fighting and bad behaviour that was probably their way of trying to get my attention. Of course I would react badly and the cycle continued.

Medication did help me to have more patience with them, and to be able to stand back from the situation. It certainly didn't make me numb (well not once I found the right meds for me anyway) but helped me to feel strong enough to start to tackle the external factors that were making me unhappy. Until that point I was like you. I didn't know what to do, where to start, who I was or what I wanted. I felt trapped and stuck. I'm still figuring most of it out but I've started to make changes. The kids still play up, and I still get down but it's no longer overwhelming.

I hope you can figure out the best way forward. Some good advice on here...

Daber - I could have written your post to the letter (apart from only having 2 kids!). I find myself wondering who I even am,what I want,and that there must be more to life than this every single day. I don't know what the answer is...antidepressants don't seem to be helping me much,exercise is a massive chore,looking after myself seems almost a luxury,and I get angry with myself for the feeling of self pity and self loathe.

Sometimes it does just help to know you're not alone,and you're most definitely not. 💐

Han01uk - yes. Exactly all of that. I can’t be bothered to look after myself either. I’ve got mild anemia that I’m supposed to take iron for - I can’t be bothered. I’ve got a very painful hip I’m supposed to excercise - also can’t be bothered. I’ve got dental appointments, hair appointments and even my smear I just can’t face as the hassle of trying to get a time to go without the kids and around work. I’m not interested in doing anything for me as it comes at a cost of getting something else done.

I’m back home and in bed to warm up now btw.

as promised

Try and be kind to yourself (I can't manage that one either! I'm type 1 diabetic and in complete denial about the consequences of not looking after myself properly!). At the moment it all seems like such a battle to change anything - everything will take more effort than I have got to give. I think depression plays a big part of how we are feeling, but I wouldn't know what it felt like to enjoy something if it came and slapped me round the face at the moment! Talk about how you're feeling if you can,and take small steps rather than trying to conquer everything at once.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Your post really moved me. You're not alone, I too feel like this. Things got really bad and I went on holiday alone for a week. In the sun no phone away from people and everything. It really helped. DH and the kids survived and I came back with more tolerance for the daily crap.

Maybe try tackling one thing, even small. Just getting a haircut then dentist the following month. These small moments make you feel better. Could you book the kids into a club for a weekend or send to a friend's just to get some headspace.

I know it's not right but a couple of times I would be so desperate for a tiny bit of me time I would tell work I had to leave early say an hour or so for a Dr's appointment. Then tell DH I would be home a bit late and I would use that time for me.

I hope things get better for you x

I could have totally written your opening post op. I have 3 children, and my marriage is also very "hard work" shall I say. I have been reading what other posters have been saying and I've got to say it's enlightening to me. I think you just seriously get to a point where you just don't care anymore you just want it all to fucking stop. I could write pages honestly. Sometimes it just all feels so, so ,so hard.

I just wanted to say I hope things change for you and that your situation and your life gets better. hugs
Bee xxxx

@Daberhashery I'm so sorry you feel so alone and lost. It's so bloody hard trying to hold all the shit together.
Please don't discount taking medication as you sound so depressed-the lack of self care being the biggest red flag. The right medication will help you get to a better coping point whereby you can think more rationally and plan accordingly. If that plan is to leave your family at least you'll be doing it in a controlled way.
People are so much more judgey about women leaving than men but if that's what it takes to preserve your sanity and make you happy then it's the right thing. Please talk to your doctor - medication doesn't even have to be for life. But it will just help you get through the roughest patches.
Sending hugs xxx

My suggestion to you is to book 2 weeks off work and book yourself a holiday abroad. Your husband can look after everything at home and the kids. You need some self love.....and some time away from it all to give you some protected thinking time...I have done this and it worked for me x.

I was you. I went on holiday myself and it was bliss. I was recharged when I can home. But it's doesn't last. Eventually I got rid of my shitty, uncaring husband but took the kids. I cracked down i their behaviour and I made new rules for our new life. They didn't enjoy it; still don't, but at least they see me as a person a great deal more than they would have if I'd continued on the way I was going. Now I travel when they kids stay with their dad, which is sadly getting less and less frequent. The only think I suppose that's different is that I'm a wee bit worried by your lack of desire to do things. I was anti meds' for you until I read that. But whatever you decide remember that you are wasting precious years by not making a change. And you do need to make a change. Other wise you'll implode.

Life is tough sometimes, and feels hard to get through. But there are times when your mental state really makes everything seem ten times worse. You can't effectively manage your children like this, and you may be able to see your path clear on where to go with your marriage if your mental state improves. It is clear from what you said about failing to self care that you are depressed and while external factors might be causing that, if you could use some medication for a while (also a holiday) , feel better in yourself, you will be able to move forwards more effectively.
I struggle with depression like this, I had cancer, three kids and my marriage is pretty weird so I am not trying to minimize but I really think you can make positive change IF you can begin to move out of your current mood. External factors will not change unless you can make something different... Why not work from the inside to the outside...?

Leave.

OP, this is me too and I have felt like this for about the last 12 years. It's slightly better as the children are older. I often think about a week away as people are suggesting but I can't bear to actually do it, since I'd have a taste of what I can't have and I know I'd feel ten times worse going back to the shit. It's somehow easier to keep struggling on. I fantasize constantly about living alone in a clean, tidy, peaceful little flat. You are not alone lovely OP.

It’s making me so sad to hear that there are loads of others who feel like this too.
I love the idea of a week away, on my own. Sadly it’s not an option. Husband works night/morning shifts and 3 out of 4 weekends. He has fixed holiday allocation too so I would have to go when he’s on leave too. I couldn’t see that going down too well.
The fantasy of a clean and tidy flat is mine too. I’d love to have some private space where no one can get to me and I can have things exactly as I want them.
Husband is working today. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through today with all three kids and no plans. I’m not sure how the fuck my life got to this point

I sympathise. I often feel like this. I suffer from terrible anxiety and depression. A few things - exercise can help. Getting little things in the diary to look forward to. But as a first step I would suggest going to talk to your Gp as what you describe may be clinical depression that you need treatment for, which will help you address bigger issues such as your dissatisfaction with your job.

I would also say that I struggle with my 3 kids too. Love them to bits but, bloody hell, I sometimes look at my life and think I have made shit choices.

Thanks Honeybee79.
I wish exercise worked for me, but I hate it, it makes me really resentful, never better. I can’t stand sweating and being out of breath. Just even the thought of it makes me cross.
And I used to get some joy out of having trips and days out planned but I’ve slowly come to realise that they are more stressful than enjoyable. I now dread them. We’ve got a few things planned over the coming months and I have to try hard not to look at them on the calendar as I start getting anxious about what will go wrong and it then keeps me awake at night. I saw a photo yesterday of us all on holiday two years ago and we look happy enough but it triggered the memory for me of how every night I contemplated throwing myself off the hotel balcony.

Could a cinema trip today help OP, with a takeaway to eat afterwards? Cinema does help me to have a bit of time without the arguing and endless hassle. It whiles the time away a bit too. Keep on keeping on.

Right now you can't change much , but you have a child problem, knowing they are going to play up is affecting you.
Can you find something to do with them all, indoor play area, where you can look after them , but not hands on just you in the same area?

Just seen your update about going out. Forget cinema idea if no help! It's an activity in which you don't have to actually DO anything, no expectations on you, that's why it sometimes works for me. Bless you. Would love to go out for (a peaceful, unpressured) lunch and talk honestly with a someone like you!

You are depressed and need to:

1. Go to GP and get anti-depressants as you will probably otherwise have a more severe mental breakdown and end up being sectioned.
2. Speak to husband about going away by yourself on his next time off.
3. Talk with your husband about the DC's behaviour, how you have both contributed to it and what to to do improve it. Spoilng them needs to stop immediately. Why would anyone choose to "spoil" their DC?
4. To get through today could you try to give your DC more attention in spite of being desperate to get away from them? It may be that they are so desperate for some 1-2-1 attention that they behave in any way they can to get it. (Haven't you ever watched 'Supernanny'?). Loving attention could well improve their behaviour.
5. Maybe have family counselling as your children may need it too.
6. If you tell your DH you want to leave and he tells you to go it doesn't necessarily mean he wants you to. He may be very hurt at you not wanting to be with him. He may also be struggling and be even more overwhelmed by your wanting to check out of the situation.
7. You need to talk with DH very openly and honestly about what you both want out of your relationship and about the behaviour of the DC - you may even find you both still want the same things. Then all you have to do is decide how to get those things by talking and working together.
8. If all else fails after giving it a good trial them maybe you should leave and your DH have custody of the children with you having regular access. It will be down to him to have to work around the practicalities of childcare while he is working such as changing shifts or job.

Be kind to yourself but you do need help. I hate taking medication of any sort but there are times when we all must. It doesn't have to be forever.

I was thinking cinema might be a good plan but all out war has just broken out over what to watch on TV so I’m not sure I’m up to the ‘I don’t want to see that film’ at the cinema. And I’d forgotten that my youngest is a pain at the cinema - fidgeting, talking, non stop toilet trips etc.
Doesn’t help that my husband is sending me texts saying he doesn’t think I should go anywhere with the children as I can’t cope

By ‘spoiled’ I mean they live in warmth and comfort with every convenience that modern life can afford, shelves full of books, cupboards full of toys and craft stuff, after school and weekend hobbies and yet ... they are permanently bored, whine non stop to me about hating each other and being hungry and despite having access to two TVs cannot find a compromise to watch something from the endless supply of material available. That’s what I mean by spoiled. They think their life is shit but they live like kings.