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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on not coping with family life

130 replies

Daberhashery · 09/03/2019 19:51

I need some advice as I feel like I cannot cope with being a wife & mother any longer. I literally want to run away, leave my kids, husband and my job every day. How can I stop this feeling? I’ve been having counselling for 6 months but I don’t feel any different or any better. Nothing’s changing for me. I’m just getting more and more likely to get on a train and never look back. ☹️ What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Daberhashery · 09/03/2019 20:54

Kids are 4, 8 and 11. They fight and whinge non stop. They are always breaking things in the house, they eat like locusts and speak to me like dirt. I’m basically just their Entertainments Officer and Cook all rolled in to one.

OP posts:
blueskiespls · 09/03/2019 20:55

How do they treat your DH, is it the same?

Original poster
Daberhashery · 09/03/2019 20:55

Yeah, sadly.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 09/03/2019 20:55

You really sound as though you have got lost in the midst of all the roles you fulfil: wife, mum, employee. I wonder when was the last time you did something purely because you enjoyed it? You feel like running away from everything. Do you have a picture of how it might feel or look to be as free as you desire? What’s different from how you feel now? I’m not suggesting you actually run away, rather that you try to bottom out for yourself what it is that appeals about the idea, and who you would be when not being a wife and mum. Allowing yourself to imagine may tell you what you want more of in your life. I’m sorry counselling hasn’t helped. It sounds as if you were referred by your GP in which case you won’t have had a choice of counsellor. If you can afford it, I’d recommend finding a counsellor you ‘click’ with, as the relationship is really important. It could be helpful to understand when things started to become as unrewarding for you as they are now. Also what your experience of family life was growing up - it can set unconsciou expectations, good and bad. 🌺

LaurenOrdering · 09/03/2019 20:57

It's a load of rubbish that medication numbs things. Anti-depressants/anti convulsants/antipsychotics help get your brain back to functioning properly or 'normal service' as I call it. And don't forget helps save lives.
When your brain is well then you can start to make positive changes where & if needed to the situation

Original poster
Daberhashery · 09/03/2019 21:00

Thanks CraftyCorvid. I’ve got no specific idea of what me minus family would be like. I’ve just tried to think about the last time I did something that just I wanted to do and I can’t. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I don’t even bother watching tv or listening to music. I just have a non stop list of things to do for other people. None of whom are grateful.

OP posts:
auntsarent · 09/03/2019 21:01

It is really really not external things making you unhappy. It just feels that way. It is a mental illness and there is absolutely no shame in that. You need time space and treatment to get better. Think of it like pnd. Back to go on Monday and tell them everything? Good luck

auntsarent · 09/03/2019 21:04

GP not go. I would also second a pp that exercise in any form helps massively

ItsPeanutButterJelly · 09/03/2019 21:04

OP, my situation is much less intense than yours (I only have one child for a start) but I know exactly how you feel. I do have underlying issues, with my relationship and consequently with my mental health and have always have problems with my outlook being a bit bleak but getting older, having a child, the monotony of married life, etc have exacerbated those.

I feel the same as you but I also recognise that it's not a "normal" (for want of a better word) way to feel in my situation and a lot of it comes from feeling dependent and helpless. In reality, I have the power to change as much or as little as I want to, it's just up to me to decide what I want to change and how. That power is actually debilitating.

My friend told me the other day that I can either be held back by the indecision and lack of confidence to make choices, or I can accept that changes will make me begin to enjoy my life, and see things in more colour. I think that probably applies to you too

ItsPeanutButterJelly · 09/03/2019 21:06

Should also add that antidepressants have had a significant impact on my ability to see things more clearly.

I also wonder whether you making a small change (for example, in your relationship with your husband) might make it easier for you to see how other parts of your life (ie your relationship with your kids) might be improved

TAMumof3 · 09/03/2019 21:07

Hi - I think it is perfectly normal to feel like you do.
As a parent most of the time you are :
A wage earner whose money is spent on everyone else
A cleaner whose efforts are unnoticed and immediately trashed
A food shopper who is unlikely to get anyone to even help carry a bag in let alone offer to actually do the shopping for you
A cook whose meals never please everyone
A laundry assistant who is responsible for delving deep into rotten pants
A person to accept without retailiation being sworn at, stropped at and ignored at will
If you sit back and look at your average parenting day it really is shit for lots of us.

PotolBabu · 09/03/2019 21:07

What consequences are there for breaking things? The whinging and the fighting is probably par for the course. And what happens if they speak to you like dirt? Are you afraid of them/afraid of standing up to them? I have a 7 year old and a 2 year old and I just cannot imagine them being persistently rude to me in that manner. We get the whinging (I ignore) and the fighting (I also ignore unless someone has overstepped the mark). Why are they breaking stuff?

GetRid · 09/03/2019 21:10

I have some understanding of your situation. I also have 3 DC's, a marriage that's dead in the water, and a ft job with long commute. It can be overwhelming.

I don't have answers but I do know that leaving isn't the solution. Even if the children seem ungrateful, be assured that they do love you and abandoning them would make matters worse.

As far as your marriage goes, you say divorce isn't an option but what if you shared custody 50/50?

bordellosboheme · 09/03/2019 21:10

Why are you so worried about fairness with your dh op? Has he specifically requested to go away as well.

I would disagree with medication especially as you are opposed to it. Try some time out. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Stop finding excuses and book a weekend away. It's so much better than doing nothing and ending up cracking under the pressure. What sort or help with you be to your family then? How 'fair' will it be to your husband if you left completely? Op you are not thinking straight.

Original poster
Daberhashery · 09/03/2019 21:12

Things are getting broken because my 4 year old likes to ‘explore’ stuff. And draw on things that aren’t paper. And the older two like door slamming and throwing things at each other in rage. Any telling off always gets a very angry response from all children which just fuels the situation.

OP posts:
PotolBabu · 09/03/2019 21:17

But that sounds like a cycle? So because they get angry they get away with it? What actual consequences are there for their actions?

almostn9ne · 09/03/2019 21:19

You sound really really fucked off with life and like you need a break.

I could suggest loads of stuff but other people have already done that and of course you've gotta find your own answers that work for you, so I think I'll just send a bloody massive hug and a drink of your choice and suggest we get totally pissed and put the world to rights, fall asleep where we stand and then totally regret it in the morning.

You're not alone xxx

Original poster
Daberhashery · 09/03/2019 21:22

Almostn9ne - you are on the money 🙂

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/03/2019 21:25

What a nightmare. I can't imagine what that's like. I suppose the dc sense that there are problems between you and their df and they exploit it. Presumably you haven't got parents near enough to help?

I suppose you're in the same situation as men who decide they're not happy and just leave, only society doesn't expect mothers to feel like that. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Rtmhwales · 09/03/2019 21:25

Assuming you could walk away, could you afford to support yourself and pay child maintenance/have the kids every other weekend?

Do you see things improving if you actually walk away or is it more just the same shit in a different location?

llangennith · 09/03/2019 21:28

I mean this kindly when I disagree with your view that 'it's external things that are making me unhappy' as a reason not to take medication for your depression. The external factors that make you unhappy may not affect someone else. It's your inability to cope with these external things that is causing your anxiety and depression. Meds could give you the ability and resilience to cope with your situation. Please go back to your GP.

jeanne16 · 09/03/2019 21:29

Please get anti depressants. They really will help you to feel slightly better which may then enable you to deal with the other issues in your life.

Original poster
Daberhashery · 09/03/2019 21:36

I don’t think kids do feed off any sense that there isn’t any love between me and H. They rarely see us both at the same time.
And no, no family nearby to help out.

I could also afford to live alone and pay maintenance to my husband for the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daberhashery · 09/03/2019 21:38

I may need to go home soon. I’ve been in my car since 3pm and I’m bloody freezing now.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 09/03/2019 21:39

I think its easy to loose yourself being a wife; mother; employee; running house and getting kids to where they need to be, but you are clearly at the end of your tether. I think you should have a weekend (at least, a week in the sun would work wonders) away for the sake of your mental health. You dont need to reciprocate your DH is not stressed out like you are. Perhaps your DCs might appreciate you then...