Advice on not coping with family life

[Daberhashery]

I need some advice as I feel like I cannot cope with being a wife & mother any longer. I literally want to run away, leave my kids, husband and my job every day. How can I stop this feeling? I’ve been having counselling for 6 months but I don’t feel any different or any better. Nothing’s changing for me. I’m just getting more and more likely to get on a train and never look back. ☹️ What can I do?

I like to think of antidepressants as a sort of 'mind vitamin' rather than a drug - so like you might take a multivitamin to keep you in good physical condition so your body can cope with stuff, you take the antidepressant to keep you in good mental condition so you can manage things. I don't find medication to be numbing, it's more like a filter as it stops the bad stuff from overwhelming me but I can still enjoy things.

I hope you're feeling less desperate today. As other posters have said, medication should help you with that feeling so you can see things more clearly and I really think you should consider it - it's better than feeling this way

I feel for you OP.

You're not being the best mother you could be. The stuff the DCs have, I wonder if you buy because you feel guilty (and hope this toy" will magically make them happy kids) then when it doesn't you feel resentment and panic. Your DCs may not respect you because you're wobbling about - perhaps permissive one day (eat all the cake then, I don't care), fierce another (if that's how you're going to behave, I'm going to bin the fuxking cake). I imagine you are only half there with your kids. So your love for them is only half visible which makes them panic and behave badly.

I strongly strongly suggest
A. The Hoffman Process for accessing your self
B. A BAM anger management course which will give you insight into your needs and tools to manage what makes you angry
C. Anti depressants, which will clear your sense of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts.

All this, will enable you to parent in a consistent loving way, change your kids behaviours, and let you feel whole and happy in your family.

Good luck.

Thanks. I know everyone is suggesting I take anti depressants but I cannot see how that will change anything. Will it just make me care less about hating being a mother, having a dead marriage and being worked to the bone in a terrible job? Is it a way of making the ‘stay’ option more palatable? I genuinely don’t understand how it’s going to do anything other than that. A bit like when you have a stressful day at work and then you go and get drunk, for those hours work doesn’t matter. But the problem hasn’t gone away.

And I agree that I’m a terrible mother btw

Also - the toys are an accumulation of 11 years of birthdays and Christmas presents for three kids. I don’t actually buy them much. Books mostly, odd bits of clothes but we get loads of hand me downs from friends.

Anti-depressants won't make you care less that things are shit, no. They don't numb your feelings or turn you into a zombie but they do help lift that feeling of hopelessness where you can't see any way of improving things for yourself. If nothing else they will make you feel more in control and able to cope with both your current situation and any decisions you need to make to change things.

It doesn't have to be a long term thing, if you try them and don't find them helpful you don't have to carry on but I honestly don't see that you have anything to lose by giving them a try. Please, please go and see your GP, tell them how you're feeling and let them help. Even when life is shit there should be little things that make you happy, even for just a moment, and it doesn't sound like there is for you. That's not purely down to your circumstances, it's depression, 'proper', clinical, physiological depression which is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in your brain and needs medication to correct. It's the first step to making changes, what do you have to lose by giving it a try?

I just looked up the Hoffman process. Bloody hell. That looks like all my worst nightmares packed into a two day intense process 🤣🤣🤣

I’ve tried talking to my GP. I’ve told them how desperate I feel, how I’ve considered taking my own life and how I can’t go on like I am. They just nod and say ‘that must be awful for you’ and that’s it. I had to lodge a complaint to get the face to face counselling. I went to see them on Friday and told them I can’t sleep because I’m so anxious, I often wake several times a night with a pain in my chest thinking I’m dying. The answer? It’s reflux. 🙄. I had to pretty much demand some sleeping tablets.
I think IRL I come across as having everything under control so it’s impossible for someone to imagine I’m not.

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Years ago I was suicidal stuck in a situation that was spiralling downwards. My GP put me on ad and after a few weeks on them the fog cleared and I was able to make a change to my life that was needed. I only took them for 8 weeks but so glad I did.

In terms of the kids - mine have to take turns on the TV as there is so little they both like. They moaned about it at the start but does the the trick now.

you really need to listen to everyone and try anti depressants to get you back on an even keel. look at it this way. what have you got to lose? nothing. potentially lots to gain.

Are there any other doctors at your surgery you could see instead? Some GP's are rubbish with MH but the right one can make all the difference.

Op- you are NOT a terrible mother, far from it. Life has got in the way that's all and you seem to have lost sight of you.

I won't pretend to say I understand your situation because I don't. However, i felt similar a few years ago and couldn't cope. I had mentally checked out ( sounds like you have too ) and went to see my doctor and was adamant that I wasn't taking any medication.
After a while I knew I needed some help so reluctantly took anti- depressants. There are many types and the term "anti-depressant" covers a vast amount of meds.
The ones I take are primarily for help with anxiety and OCD which I was subsequently diagnosed with. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, more like overwhelmed!
Anyway, the first few weeks were tough i won't lie, then I woke up one day and felt brighter. I started to find joy in things again, heard the birds singing and all that shite.... but truly I started to feel more like me again and still do.

Modern life with all of its conveniences is meant to be easier for us ( machine washes clothes, machine washes dishes, children have iPads to entertain themselves etc ) but I think there is so much bloody pressure on us to "perform" and be the perfect mum.

So what would you like to change if you had a magic wand? Truly? Would you like to be without the kids? I bet deep down you wouldn't but they need a serious bout of discipline, consequences and maybe watch a documentary with them that will open their eyes and feel immense gratitude for what they have. I did this with my now 8yr old dd who was becoming a spoilt brat ( the documentary is on YouTube and is called "poor kids" and features several children in the U.K. All around the ages of your dc who have very, very little ) and my dd was horrified and we had a good chat about how lucky she is.

You don't mention your age op, is a new career an option for you?

I sense your despair and recognise those feelings and honesty want you to know that it can get better. Ironically, my relationship was pretty good at the time I was at my lowest and now it's awful. I can see things much clearer and this year will very much be a make or break for us.

I would be happy to chat with you by pm if you want to, always helps to get things off your chest and even better to make a new friend
Regardless though, I wish you loads of luck and hope you manage to get through today

Sounds very hard. I’m wondering what kind of things you would have enjoyed before having kids, what would your pleasures/passions have been in the past? Not taking pleasure in things you would have expected to enjoy is called anhedonia, it’s a symptom of depression. How can you build in a bit of time for yourself, to slowly recover some sense of calm, even just free time to stare into space and process how you’re feeling? How are your finances, is there any leeway to move house/area and have less financial pressure? With your kids are they girls or boys? My oldest is 11 and has a bit of freedom to go out and about and see friends, which I think stops a lot of whinging, depends on the area/street/level of sensible-ness whether that might work for other kids the same age. Also sounds awful but mine all had iPads by age eight, mornings when not school days are iPads and tv for 3 year old till midday then turn it all off, gives me some free time in the house and also somethings to withhold if they misbehave.it keeps me sane because no-one ever seems to go to bed on time and we do a lot of chatting in beds late in the evening when I would have wanted free time in another life...... Also at 8 and 11 are they helping out at home, apart from school days I sometimes have a couple of hours where everyone has to help clean the house, big list of jobs and tick them off as we go along, maybe a fiver or a trip to a cafe as reward after. Also they have to dry the dishes. Sorry these are random thoughts, hope it doesn’t sound bossy/overwhelming. There is so much going on for you. I have been through an awful time a few years ago too but things are good now so things can improve. Please keep posting. Lots of people will want to help, lots of us can relate.

Thanks Zoflorabore and Sorrybut.
Nice to know people are listening to me ramble on. In answer to what did I like to do before kids - everything that didn’t involve kids. Reading books for hours, listening to music, going to museums and galleries, travelling. I liked conversations which weren’t endlessly interrupted, meals where no one spilled a drink or announced they needed a poo, showers where no one came in for a piss, I liked walking. I liked silence.
I know there is no hope of getting any of those things back for the next 15 years. I may as well be dead.

I feel the same Daber. I recognise everything that you say.

I don't look after myself at all, haven't been to the GP for many years. Where would I start in asking for anti-depressants?
Just like Daberhashery, I think the way I feel is a logical reaction to my life. This thread is convincing me that it isn't, but I wouldn't know what 'symptoms' to describe to a GP.
Which anti-depressants are good for utter hopelessness?

I think many of those things you used to value could be brought back into your life now, Daber so you could experience more of who you used to be before marriage and kids. Does your OH know how bad things are with you? I know you don’t have a great relationship with him but could you have some negotiation about a day or even an afternoon a week where you could go to an art gallery/read a book/go for a walk on your own? Would it be possible to arrange babysitters so the two of you could have a meal out together as adults? Do you have any extended family who might be able to help?

Oh, OP, I was you, just a few years ago.

I did leave my husband. We share the residence of DCs and I must admit that currently I have quite an exciting life “of my own” when not with DCs. I struggle so much with parenting, as I say, my own was unconventional & ive has to work on what keeps everyone safe and happy.

Here’s what worked for me:
Keep up with counselling. Mine was because of my own upbringing, which was complicated. I find it hard to be “mum” and have had to work on it

Getting extra help. Mine was in the form of extra clubs at school which the DCs has flagged as interesting

Breaking the routine a bit. As a part of my separation, my family was shocked to see changes. I no longer did everything. Everyone has a job.

I made a list of the things that needed changing: how my ex spoke to me, the sense of entitlement my kids had, the housework, the food (non)rules, rules about the Internet...

I now have the ex on board because he HAS to communicate. Miles better division of parenting load than before.

Unlike other advice, I didn’t go into antidepressants but I do still see my counsellor & its a great place for thinking through my parenting stuff & other relationships.

Good luck, OP.

OP I feel gutted for you. Is there any free activities to take DC to at the weekends? E.g. local library drama session, nature reserve workshops? Activity to keep them entertained while you are around but not having to actively manage them. Sherwood forest does activities if you're in the midlands. Also english heritage sites have things on, check the website.

So sorry to hear you've been battling so hard for so long.

I had a stint on antidepressants after years of battling suicidal thoughts and it saved my life. Re set my brain and gave me an experience of what life can be like without the constant chatter in the mind.

FaFoutis I’m so sad to hear your in the same boat. It really sucks. ☹️

I’ve given up any interest in those things I liked before. I imagine my brain to be like a big old stately home with rooms that are locked and the contents draped in dust sheets. I can’t face doing anything that I used to do, a little bit of it just makes things worse and seem more hopeless.
And I used to do the whole National Trust, walks, library thing with the kids but I’m in my own most weekends so it involves me doing everything (picnic, driving, discipline all day long, shepherding them around etc) I reached a point where I just realised how unhappy and anxious it was making me feel to try to manage all three savages in public. I just don’t bother now. They don’t seem to mind. They love their telly. And wrecking the house.

Oh and the talking. The talking talking talking all day long non stop, over each other and louder and louder. Before kids my ideal weekend involved talking to no one from Friday night to Monday morning. I think parenting is an extrovert activity. I’m a terrible introvert, happiest in my own world.

You sound like you’ve hit rock bottom. My first & worst bout of depression was 12 years ago & I felt very similar to how you feel now.
I got through it & feel like an entirely different person now. What worked for me:

• antidepressants
• counselling ( finding a good one - have met some crap ones over the years that didn’t help a bit)
• being signed off work with stress in order to give me some breathing space
• exercise - just getting out for a walk helps
• self care - used my time off work as proper “me time”
• I’ve recently started meditation/ mindfulness

Thinking of you - it will get better.

I’ve had to block my husband on WhatsApp just now. He thinks it’s helpful to send me messages like ‘thanks to you I’m going to lose my job’. I just need to be away from everyone

OP is he supposed to be at work now?

He is at work. He’s sending me those messages to imply I’m causing him to underperform and make him get the sack.