Advice on not coping with family life

[Daberhashery]

I need some advice as I feel like I cannot cope with being a wife & mother any longer. I literally want to run away, leave my kids, husband and my job every day. How can I stop this feeling? I’ve been having counselling for 6 months but I don’t feel any different or any better. Nothing’s changing for me. I’m just getting more and more likely to get on a train and never look back. ☹️ What can I do?

It kind of sums up his attitude towards me throughout all the years I’ve felt desperate. It’s all my fault and I need to sort it out. He takes no blame for his actions, ever. He’s pulled some pretty shitty stunts on me over the years and they are never his fault, always mine.

Okay not helpful.

Do you have an employee assistance programme at work? If so they can offer you some help as you are in crisis especially as your GP seems about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

I’ve tried my work EAP a few months ago. Amazingly they told me I was ‘too depressed’ for them to help and that they could only help short term, small scale problems. Oh, how I laughed and laughed and laughed.

What a charmer. My husband blames me too.
I don't tell my husband how I feel any more, there are times when it becomes unavoidable, but I really try not to. Even when it is obvious that I'm not coping he ignores it (or rolls his eyes and then ignores it).

You won't get the response you need from your husband, every time he is cold and nasty in response you will just feel worse.

FaFoutis - it sounds like you a married to my husband too! It’s so lonely carrying around all your own stresses and fears, with no support x

Hi did the EAP not suggest they contact your GP? "Too depressed to help" means you need medical help.

You have been badly let down by your doctor. You need to get back to your practice and see another doctor explaining exactly what the EAP counsellor has said to you.

It is very lonely, but better than being dismissed or rejected every time you ask for some kindness or understanding.
There's a different life waiting in the future; that's worth holding on to. x

Your marriage sounds rubbish, your kids sound like they have no boundaries . They rarely see you together, so it doesn't sound like you have a family life. If I were you , honestly this is what I would do:

Leave your husband, find somewhere to live and move in on your own initially. Let him deal with your children for a few weeks.Your children may start to appreciate you and maybe your husband will wake up to himself.
It sounds like you are so low and depleted you can't even begin to sort all the pressure you are under out.

Try to get some advice on how to parent your children more effectively. Start as you mean to go on, make a fresh start. Spend positive time with them interacting , going out and doing things, make quiet times when they can play and you can relax. You need to overhaul the whole structure of the way you operate together.
Get some serious therapy for yourself.
In the time your husband has the children, go and do things you enjoy, that feed your soul. Find interests and friends that make you feel alive
Perhaps it would help to get some childcare organised too - to take the pressure off you a bit and maybe instil some new habits in your children.
Just what I would do, but something has to change.

You need to take time away. You need to put yourself at the top of the priorities list, and stop thinking of that as an optional choice. Really, honestly, this is at crisis point now.

I guess the only time this is going to be possible is in the evening? So you will to just get up and go, every evening, as soon as the children are in bed. Unless your husband works evenings? Sorry, I can’t remember what shift pattern you mentioned.

Go for a walk. It isn’t much, but it’s fresh air, and most importantly it is time away, in silence, alone.

It will help. It won’t fix the shitload of problems you’re facing, but it will be the first step to getting back some time for yourself.

Then, on the weekend out of four that your husband is home, you will take yourself away. If he kicks up a fuss you need to tell him to fuck off and do it anyway. If you have to get up two hours before everyone else so that he doesn’t have a chance to moan and whinge at you like a man baby, then do it.

You will take the first three hours of that day, 9-12 - no negotiation on that! - And you will go to the library, pick up a book (or buy one if that’s more convenient), get yourself to a coffee shop and have breakfast, a couple of brews, and you will sit and read and have time to just be.

It’s not a lot. It won’t fix the shitload of problems you’re facing, but it’s a start. You need to find the person you were before life beat you down so badly. And you do that by starting to awaken that person.

You cannot afford not to do this.

Also, you’re wrong - your children will be very aware of how things are between you and your husband.They may not know it consciously but they will definitely have sensed his attitude towards you. They are taking their cues on how to treat you from him (and indirectly, I’m afraid, also from you).

My instinct is that if you get yourself and the children away into a space of your own, it will actually be far better for you.

Start small, though. Make it your only priority for now, to carve that time out, rigidly, for yourself. I don’t really care what needs to be done for everyone else - barring the bare minimum of clean clothes, decent standard of hygiene in the house, getting them to and from school, and feeding them, everything else (and I mean everything) can be left for now.

You need to draw up a chores list for your 11 year old and 8 year old. Simple, easy, each job worth a certain amount of money. Every day they pick one. If they don’t do it, they don’t get the money, no argument.

This will help you because they will be doing some of the little jobs, it will keep them busy, and they are learning some independence and the principle that everyone in the house works together to make it livable and nice. It is not the job of the mother/skivvy to martyr themselves for the family and household at the cost of her health and happiness!

How are you doing today daberhashery?

My SIL felt the same as you and she left her husband and lived on her own. Husband had 100% care of the child.
It has worked out positively now. She got space she needed and learned to breath again. It's been 2 years now and she has her child 50% of the time now. It worked out in the end.

You need to go to your GP. Your husband knows it ,we know it you do really.Its not just the kids as you've said that you get nothing from things you liked before.
If you left you'd still feel empty since you'd take your depression with you.

I really feel for you as I have been here many times before. 4 children, no family help, no real friends, no time for myself and a toxic full time job.

I knew for years something had to change and that had to be the worst thing, which for me was my toxic job. Believe me it has not been easy.. I am also in a niche area and not marketable and it took me 3 years but I finally did it and my new job starts soon.

After I handed in my resignation I cried for 3 days, then felt numb, but one thing I noticed straight away was that I stopped waking up feeling in pain/overwhelmed/wanted to end it all.

Fixing one thing and taking control of one aspect did help me feel better, although I am sure I still have a long way to go.. Its been a roller coaster though.

I was also like you and didn't want to take medication as I knew I was just trapped and felt I had to take control.

There’s a thread on relationships atm about experiences of peoples mothers walking out on them. If you feel at all tempted to do that please read that thread first.

You there kiddo?

Sorry to divert, but can I just ask, were there many warning signs of this, before you had kids?

I'm currently expecting, but terrified for all the above reasons. Massive introvert. Can't cope with noise.

Do you think it would be different if you had one child? Why did you settle on 3?

Hope you are ok xxx

You need to go to the doctors - when did you last have a blood test ? You could have anemia might make you feel exhausted and daily life is so much harder if you are lacking in a vitamin ( I did)

Try and go swimming or waking even if it’s just 20 mins and defo 1 hr on a sat and sun . If you husband isn’t there to support you doing this can you bring in a student to look after your kids ? Or nanny on a Saturday to go out all day and do exactly what you want ? You need a break from your kids as they are exhausting with 3!

Things have to change for you - your kids can help with tidy toys , fold washing they are old enough takes less time on you.

Can you take them to a soft play / farm or a well gated park so they can run off excess energy :-) or a bike ride then they will more likely to watch a film in the pm. I sometimes find bringing in a child’s friend helps with dynamics of the children and they are easier to manage.

I’ve got 4 kids absolute slog day to day but I find it easier to go out for my mental health and also the children have less chance to be “world winds creating mess” around the house.

Your husband needs to step up - can you assign tasks to you and him so you BOTH know where you stand - he makes dinner 3 times a week and buys from supermarket and you do other 3 dinner plus a pizza dinner - just do easy stuff !!!!

If you have the cash extra hours for a house keeper ? Just finding a good one and take some stress out for you - Shirts in dry cleaners to iron .... it all helps.

Good luck and hope today is better for you xxx

Thinking of you OP.

Daber - I've got 1 child and felt the same until she started school.
Then i could do some walking, light my candles, read, listen to music, have a quiet pub lunch. All the things I did before.
I thought I'd never get my life back. It's not fully back (I'm pining for a walking holiday to Madeira during term time. How i miss the quiet airports, quiet hotels and cheaper prices).
I often think I'll hang on for another 6 years until my child is 18 then I'll be free to stop hanging on and jump off a cliff.
I used ad's for 2 years to help me function at work and calm me down at home. They did help, but i lost the ability to orgasm so i came off them.
The advice given is good. I hope you find a way through - your kids do need and love you x x x

How are you doing, OP? xx

Can you go back to the GP and say the counselling isn't helping?

Short-term medication may help you to feel better.

Hire a part time nanny to take on some days.

You get some down time.
Kids will learn they've taken you forgranted

@Ninka really love your advice and I reiterate every word you said.

Small steps yourself will, in time, build up to something positive although it will not feel like it at all in the beginning.

I feel your pain as I’ve been through something similar. I was dead inside and lonely so long. My divorce was a catalyst for finding myself and I’m a different person to the misery I was a year ago. Self care is so important and not letting anyone take the piss with your time. Keeping fit has been great as I can channel any frustrations into that. I’ll be following this post and wishing you strength.

Op, how are you doing?