I’m so angry with DH and I need to get past it.

[AIBUtopickanyoldname]

DH and I together for ten years. He has a daughter from a previous marriage. His ex decided to get a job with very unsociable and unpredictable hours and expected DH to pick up a lot of her slack with DSD, which DH then passed on to me because he was busy with his own work and I was freelance. It caused a lot of arguments and resentment. I felt that having to provide ad hoc childcare for him and his ex was holding my own career progression back. If I ever complained I was accused of not wanting DSD around and being annoyed because it meant she was at ours more often. He refused to acknowledge the imbalance or unfairness. It’s still a very sore point. Even more so because of the reason for this post.

About five years ago I was working for a company on a six month contract. DSD was with her mum for her half of the week and DH was working as normal. DH’s ex suddenly had a job on which meant she couldn’t attend a school event of DSD’s. DH guilted me into going to the event so that DSD would have someone there in the audience - against my better judgement I went, even though I was supposed to be working too. While I was waiting for the event to start I had to do a client call. I tried to find somewhere quiet to do the call but even so, it was obvious from the background noise that I wasn’t in the office when I was supposed to have been. The client complained to the company I was working for. I stayed until the end of my contract but they didn’t renew it and they never asked me back. I was annoyed at the time but DH just brushed it off as ‘oh they’re wankwrs, if they can’t deal with you working flexibly then fuck them’ kind of attitude. A standard which, hypocritically, he didn’t hold his ex’s or his own employers to.

Anyway, it’s happened again. I’ve got in trouble at work because I had to leave early at very short notice to go and sort out another DH domestic fuck up. This time he’d returned from a long haul business trip abroad and didn’t have his deadlock key. So I had to do an hour’s round trip to go and let him in. Again, someone complained about it. There haven’t been any further consequences but still, professionally, it makes me look really shit.

I was thinking back and asking myself why, both times, I didn’t just put my foot down and say an unequivocal ‘no’. And to my horror I realised that it was because I was scared of his reaction. He is a stonewaller. He never raises his voice and is not generally confrontational but his weapon of choice is a three-day stony silence and sulk.

I realise now that the reason I sabotaged my own work both times was because I was trying to avoid an unbearable atmosphere at home. The first time because he would’ve interpreted my not going to DSD’s event as ‘resenting DSD’. And the second time because technically I should have remembered he left for his trip without his deadlock key so I shouldn’t have deadlocked the door.

When I think of it like that, and when I see it written down, he sounds like an emotional abuser. But I am really struggling to square that with how he is the rest of the time. If you met him, he’s that classic sort of person who you’d say was a really nice bloke. He’s humble, he’s friendly, he’s generous, he’s kind - but he’s also stubborn and can be selfish and is prone to a sulk. But I don’t feel ‘afraid’ of him I do also recognise that I put myself at a disadvantage just because I couldn’t be arsed with a three day stand off.

What’s going on? Can anyone help me unpick it? He was genuinely remorseful when I told him about the recent complaint at work and I didn’t hold back in giving him both barrels. He’s sucking up and trying to be the perfect DH at the moment but I am the level of angry where I actually feel icy numbness. I’m scared at how detached I feel. I’m livid that this has happened twice now. And yet he will bend over backwards and move mountains to make sure his ex can work when she need to, because ‘it means extra time with DSD’.

I honestly don’t know what I need to do, or what he needs to do, or what needs to happen next to move past it. I don’t want to feel like this, it’s horrible. I want to get over it and forgive him but I don’t feel able.

I thought you were going to ask if you should leave him.

Oh and we have our own DCs too now and predictably I do the lion’s share of all school and nursery runs and all the household shit work because he is out of the house from 7.30-8 every day.

Perhaps some relationship counselling would be a good first step? I don't know how effective it will be with so much built up resentment but it might be worth a shot if you want to save your marriage.

The problem that you see over and over again on here is that when these men have been confronted about being shitty they will transform themselves into the perfect partner for a while, then slip back into old habits.

Your dh and his ex are the parents and they need to parent their child. Your dh has no right to be guilting you into things; why is his work more important? You need to protect your income given how this sounds.

He’s humble, he’s friendly, he’s generous, he’s kind - so long as you're bending over backwards to do everything he wants of you. You're taking career hits to parent someone else's child, ffs. I wonder what else you've sacrificed, what little 'compromises' you make to keep the peace.

Pay for childcare with the DSD things. Value your work and employer (he should have returned from airport via your office to collect key etc).

So as long as you’re a good girl, put up and shut up, do exactly as he says, he’s a lovely, salt of the earth type of bloke?

You are over thinking twice in five years there has been a family emergency. Sheesh if you had children it would happen far more often. Someone complained because you had to leave for an hour. Say sorry make the time up. I do not believe your contract was not renewed because of the other incident. Sometimes these things happen.

Oh you have children, well you know that things happen. Yes OH is an idiot but you need to think is there something else going on that is upsetting you.

I honestly feel like I would get more support from him if I left him as we shared the kids 50:50 like he does with his ex. Then, whenever I had a work issue I could just send the kids over to him to sort out and he would of course gladly do it because it means extra time with them. Then I could be free to pursue my career with more energy and I’d have 50% more free time where I wasn’t skivvying and washing his pants.

If I did leave him he would probably instantly get another girlfriend and then make her run around after our DCs and if she complained he’d accuse her of resenting them.

She does have children. Read the updates

I don't agree with relationship counselling. I don't think your problem is really the relationship you have with him. It's the relationship that you have with yourself.

You have some big questions to ask of yourself around why you let him walk all over your boundaries.

So what if he sulks? Why not call him out on it. Or enjoy the peace and quiet for a few days?

We're your parents passive aggressive when you were growing up? Just wondering if there's a reason that you find his reaction so difficult.

Watching this as there are some aspects that are in my marriage also. The 'afraid' to upset because of the stoney silence treatment, the emotional abuse.
It seems to me what's happened in your case is that it's the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. You've begun to re-evaluate your marriage.

You don't need to get past your anger at all. You are right to be angry with him, because he is not treating your fairly. He is the kind of person I would describe as being "very generous with other people's time". He also does sound like an emotional abuser. He sulks with you for three days if you don't toe the line?? And he's only being nice at the moment to reel you back in, by the way, as he can tell you have had just about enough of him.

But he doesn't have his child 50% of the time. You do.

What do you think would happen if you had a very calm conversation with him where you said that it wasn't DSD you resented, it was him, for his massive sense of entitlement in handing his parenting responsibilities over to you and making you feel guilty for ever questioning that? And that you were never going to be put in that position again. Any future events like this will be down to him and him only to deal with, because you've done more than your share, and you've had enough.

I honestly can’t tell if I’m overreacting and overthinking or not. I guess it would be more clear cut if there wasn’t a decade’s backstory of simmering resentment because of me running around like a blue arsed fly looking after our kids and DSD while his ex pursued her career and never had to pay for childcare. We have to pay £1,500 a month in childcare so that I can go to work. If I left him and he had a new, mug girlfriend I could probably make a massive saving.

I wouldn't go to relationship counselling if I were you.

I would go to counselling/therapy on your own and start to try to unpick why you put up with this shit and why you are now questioning it - you do sound like you are really exploring this and a therapist could help you.

With regard to your dh, he is not kind. A kind man does not expect his wife to take over his responsibilities to the detriment of her career because he thinks his is more important. That is not kind. Kindness is not just making you the odd cup of tea. It is a deep-seated belief that you are important and your life is important and a wish to help make that life better.

He’s humble, he’s friendly, he’s generous, he’s kind - but he’s also stubborn and can be selfish and is prone to a sulk.

Sorry but this does not compute. Kind people do not stonewall you for 3 days because you refused to do them a massive failure. You need to start looking at him more clearly.

I'm not surprised you are doing most of the childcare for your own children. You're not surprised either, are you?

I've done the calls in the corridor faking being at the office and it was f-ing hell and completely stressful. I did if for my own kids knowing dh would do it too (well actually men just say "i've a child care failure so forgive me if you hear background noise" and the client thinks they are a hero). Doing it because the child's 2 parents felt their lives were more important .... no wonder you are angry.

With the deadbolt thing, I'd have asked him to go to a cafe until I was free. My dh (who does travel longhaul) would have volunteered to do that. We'd then have laughed about the time I locked him out of the house after a 12 hour trip. But my dh is actually kind.

if you said that it wasn't DSD you resented, it was him, for his massive sense of entitlement in handing his parenting responsibilities over to you and making you feel guilty for ever questioning that? And that you were never going to be put in that position again. Any future events like this will be down to him and him only to deal with, because you've done more than your share, and you've had enough.

I have actually had this exact conversation and this year, for the first time in ten years, I am now in a position where I refuse to do any running around for DSD when he or his ex are capable of doing it. I have enough on my hands with our two.

Of course he chose to interpret this as me ‘never supporting him’, ‘not being a partner to him’, ‘having a problem with DSD’, and ‘being petty about his ex’. To which my response was essentially ‘whatever’. But it has soured things a bit. If he were ever to recognise my point of view, it would mean him having to admit he has been wrong and selfish and entitled in the past. And I think he’d rather let our relationship suffer the unresolved argument than ever concede my point.

The simmering resentment is the killer here, and it sounds justified, by the way.
The only caveat I would say is don’t plan on the basis that he will do 50/50 childcare if he is not doing it now. There is absolutely no guarantee that he will do the same with your DC that he does with his DD and there is absolutely no guarantee your DC will want him to. Plan based on what you have now. If you cannot get him to step up with looking after your DC now, he won’t suddenly do it if you split.

Right back at him. Tell him "he never supports you", "he is not a partner to you", "he has a problem with your 2 children", and "he is being petty full stop". Because he is probably providing less support to you rearing 2 of his children than you gave to him with his daughter.

I wonder how much of your value to him is as the support act to his role as father ....

We're your parents passive aggressive when you were growing up? Just wondering if there's a reason that you find his reaction so difficult.

That’s exactly what I’ve been wondering too. Why am I so avoidant of his reaction? He threatened to leave me once when I was pregnant while we were having one of our regular rows over his ex asking us to have DSD on her contact days at massive inconvenience to ourselves. He said he didn’t want to be with someone who obviously resented his DD. Absolutely refused to listen to anything I had to say about being massively pregnant, severely anaemic, still working full time, knackered, etc.

I’ve never, ever forgotten how terrified I was when he said that.

It’s interesting you mention individual counselling. I had psychotherapy before and went deep into the resentment around DSD and his unequivocal bowing to his ex’s demands, and she validated everything I felt. It was very helpful to know I wasn’t a crazy, selfish, DSD-hating bitch. And actually I was entitled to feel like I did.

I’ve recently in the past week self-referred for more psychotherapy actually. I’d really like to understand more why I chose this family dynamic and why I let my boundaries be pushed for so long.

Ok, I get that you shrug off his criticism of you because you've worked out it's not justified. Are you ever able to criticise him? Could you ever say 'that's rich, because you don't support me and you aren't a partner to me, you just expect me to do your dirty work'. Or is that too scary because of how he would react?

You are not overreacting. It's a fundamental lack of respect. I am sorry you have been called out at work for your unprofessionalism as a result

Well done for bravely exploring this with psychotherapy and the dynamic behind it