I’m so angry with DH and I need to get past it.

[AIBUtopickanyoldname]

DH and I together for ten years. He has a daughter from a previous marriage. His ex decided to get a job with very unsociable and unpredictable hours and expected DH to pick up a lot of her slack with DSD, which DH then passed on to me because he was busy with his own work and I was freelance. It caused a lot of arguments and resentment. I felt that having to provide ad hoc childcare for him and his ex was holding my own career progression back. If I ever complained I was accused of not wanting DSD around and being annoyed because it meant she was at ours more often. He refused to acknowledge the imbalance or unfairness. It’s still a very sore point. Even more so because of the reason for this post.

About five years ago I was working for a company on a six month contract. DSD was with her mum for her half of the week and DH was working as normal. DH’s ex suddenly had a job on which meant she couldn’t attend a school event of DSD’s. DH guilted me into going to the event so that DSD would have someone there in the audience - against my better judgement I went, even though I was supposed to be working too. While I was waiting for the event to start I had to do a client call. I tried to find somewhere quiet to do the call but even so, it was obvious from the background noise that I wasn’t in the office when I was supposed to have been. The client complained to the company I was working for. I stayed until the end of my contract but they didn’t renew it and they never asked me back. I was annoyed at the time but DH just brushed it off as ‘oh they’re wankwrs, if they can’t deal with you working flexibly then fuck them’ kind of attitude. A standard which, hypocritically, he didn’t hold his ex’s or his own employers to.

Anyway, it’s happened again. I’ve got in trouble at work because I had to leave early at very short notice to go and sort out another DH domestic fuck up. This time he’d returned from a long haul business trip abroad and didn’t have his deadlock key. So I had to do an hour’s round trip to go and let him in. Again, someone complained about it. There haven’t been any further consequences but still, professionally, it makes me look really shit.

I was thinking back and asking myself why, both times, I didn’t just put my foot down and say an unequivocal ‘no’. And to my horror I realised that it was because I was scared of his reaction. He is a stonewaller. He never raises his voice and is not generally confrontational but his weapon of choice is a three-day stony silence and sulk.

I realise now that the reason I sabotaged my own work both times was because I was trying to avoid an unbearable atmosphere at home. The first time because he would’ve interpreted my not going to DSD’s event as ‘resenting DSD’. And the second time because technically I should have remembered he left for his trip without his deadlock key so I shouldn’t have deadlocked the door.

When I think of it like that, and when I see it written down, he sounds like an emotional abuser. But I am really struggling to square that with how he is the rest of the time. If you met him, he’s that classic sort of person who you’d say was a really nice bloke. He’s humble, he’s friendly, he’s generous, he’s kind - but he’s also stubborn and can be selfish and is prone to a sulk. But I don’t feel ‘afraid’ of him I do also recognise that I put myself at a disadvantage just because I couldn’t be arsed with a three day stand off.

What’s going on? Can anyone help me unpick it? He was genuinely remorseful when I told him about the recent complaint at work and I didn’t hold back in giving him both barrels. He’s sucking up and trying to be the perfect DH at the moment but I am the level of angry where I actually feel icy numbness. I’m scared at how detached I feel. I’m livid that this has happened twice now. And yet he will bend over backwards and move mountains to make sure his ex can work when she need to, because ‘it means extra time with DSD’.

I honestly don’t know what I need to do, or what he needs to do, or what needs to happen next to move past it. I don’t want to feel like this, it’s horrible. I want to get over it and forgive him but I don’t feel able.

I would leave him. I genuinely would. He gives no fucks about your future or your life, you are just his childminder.

If I was engaged to a new man and they didn’t want my child in their life and resented spending time with them I think I would threaten to leave too. It’s not like he was threatening to leave because she wasnt doing the dishes it was because he wanted his child to have a secure place in their lives.

Yes and he wanted her to provide it. Not him, not his ex, the op.

And yes you should leave if a man didn't want your child in his life, no brainer.

Sounds like he's using his DD as a stick to beat you with, in all honesty!

"You must do everything you can for my DD otherwise you resent her existence" - bollocks! Of course you can help out when it's convenient, but she already HAS 2 functional(ish) parents, she is primarily THEIR responsibility to sort out between THEM, not rely on you picking up the slack when they actually could do it themselves, but prefer to put the onus onto you.

You are definitely being treated as less important. I have no doubt that his guilt over not being with her mother (for whatever reason) is at least partly the cause for that, but that doesn't make it right!!

The fact that you lost one employment and have been disciplined again thanks to their ineffectual parenting just shows you how little respect he has for you as a person and your career.

I do think you need counselling, to look at whether or not you actually want to stay married to someone who sees you as little more than a nanny for his brood, and housekeeper; and to see why you fear his sulks and him leaving.
I'd be seriously considering my options at this stage - not because of the DSD at all, but because you are second class in this relationship, and you should be on equal footing with him.

I wish you luck with this - it's a horrible position to be in

You don’t sound like a cohesive couple. If you were you wouldn’t resent helping him parent. Leave him and move on.

It doesn't matter what front he puts on to others, to YOU he IS emotionally abusive. I would argue to dsd too.

Is it just me or is there a surge in posters posting about sulking husbands? Have abusive men who previously would have been shouters THOUGHT they've learned better but actually instead just switched to different but still abusive behaviour?

Was he shouty in first marriage? Or has he always been a sulker?

Tbh it sounds like you've had enough. You've reached your limit.

I suspect he's being "good" at the moment because he senses you pulling away from him and is afraid he's about to lose his free skivvy!

"Perhaps some relationship counselling would be a good first step?" Couples therapy is NOT advised when there's abuse especially emotional abuse - it just gives abusers ammunition and if they end up with a therapist not experienced in spotting abusers can make matters FAR worse.

Unfortunately therapy is woefully unregulated in this country.

In addition to how badly he's treating you, your dsd is being MASSIVELY failed by BOTH her parents. I find that incredibly sad.

I'd take that tack to be honest - I'd be saying "you're letting dsd down, both of you! As much as I love her I'm not her parent, if she isn't already she will soon be looking back at her childhood and realising NEITHER of you were there for her, you have a very short amount of time to attempt to reconcile that, quit dodging your responsibilities and be a FATHER that means physically being present, same goes for our kids, you need to get your priorities straight"

I'm pretty sure that's fairly close to the truth! If I were the ex wife, well I wouldn't be prioritising my career over my child, (and not just as a woman, the father just as guilty of this) but I'd also be pissed off her father wasn't stepping up! And was instead abdicating responsibility to wife 2.

I actually had that issue at one point with my ex, he tried to say I was jealous of dd spending time with wife 2 which was bollocks (she was OW but also ex friend of mine, dds known her almost all her life and she's always treated dd well), and I told him so "the problem isn't wife 2 spending time with her it's you NOT spending time with her! If you're both with dd great, I know wife 2 is great with her and dd adores her, but YOU are her parent not wife 2, she's there to spend time with YOU" wife 2 got it, he never really did though he did change behaviour for a short while.

He at this point hasn't seen her for years but dd and wife 2 have stayed in touch all that time and get on well. But the relationship between dd and my ex is fucked and I honestly don't think it will ever get close to repair. Ex blames everyone else inc dd except himself!

if your already thinking about a life without him and that it might be better then to me uve already (maybe)left him.

You don’t sound like a cohesive couple. If you were you wouldn’t resent helping him parent

What a stupid comment that shows you haven't even bothered to actually read the thread.

OP, something has to change. You can't go on like this.

Your anger and hurt is justified. Unlikely that you will be able to “get past it” because his behaviour and attitudes are ongoing.

His top priorities are clearly his work and his DD. Fairness to you, and your work (and DC?) are much lower priority for him.

Stonewalling can be emotionally abusive.

Suggest counselling alone.

I do think, though, that you need to take responsibility for your past decisions about your work: you didn’t HAVE to acquiesce to your DH’s requests, and prioritised avoiding angering your H (due to his past unreasonable behaviour) over your paid work. You can take different decisions in the future.

Actually, his DD isn’t a priority for him either if he wants you to cover the inconvenient parts of parenting her rather then do it himself.

He sounds very manipulative. He expects you to sacrifice or risk your career when it should be his job to see his child, not yours. He does nothing at home either. What's he bringing to the party op? He seems like a waste of space

Op, I'm a bit concerned that you'll be using therapy to make it possible for you to stay in a situation that makes you feel like you need therapy.

You may be his narcissistic extension. Does this sound familiar?

He doesn’t seem to see you as a separate person. He feels entitled to your time and violates your boundaries to get you to serve his wants and needs. When you question his behavior, he becomes dismissive and hostile. If you tell him he has hurt you, he attacks you instead of apologizing.. He is unwilling to change for you. He only sees his wants/needs, and expects you to sacrifice yours.

It seems to me that early on he recruited you to serve his needs and those of his primary relationship, which was (is) with DSD. He feels entitled to your energy. He won’t accept anything less than total support and compliance, no matter how you are affected, and he coerces you to get it. He never really sees, hears or considers you, and has used you as a device to prove his worth to others and himself (i.e. best parent, etc). You initially complied to provide support and kindness, but as time passed, you realized that he was controlling and manipulating, and that you were allowing yourself to be subjugated.

If you are being used as a narcissistic extension, you will need your anger to navigate these waters, with the help of your therapist. Many people in these circumstances will end the relationship, as the narcissistic partner refuses to change and fights to maintain the status quo.

People are mentioning about her DH wanting his DD around more so he can see her more but with him working abroad, how much is he actually seeing her or any of his DC?

Also agree with him using his DD as a stick to beat you over the head with as in you must do everything and be my skivvy or you hate my DD. The massive guilt trip he put on you is manipulative and abusive.

Some men like the idea of a family and how nice it looks to society for them, but aren't very interested in contributing to the actual work of one.

I would say get some individual counselling to work on boundaries and standing up for yourself. His DD must be over the age of 10, so it isn't like she is an infant.

He threatened to leave me once when I was pregnant while we were having one of our regular rows over his ex asking us to have DSD on her contact days at massive inconvenience to ourselves. He said he didn’t want to be with someone who obviously resented his DD. Absolutely refused to listen to anything I had to say about being massively pregnant, severely anaemic, still working full time, knackered, etc.

Wow! How does this square up with:

He’s humble, he’s friendly, he’s generous, he’s kind

Are you ever able to sit and have a calm, logical, fair, adult discussion about the inequalities around your lives?

The fact that you seem, whatever other commitments you may have, to be the the Go To person for everything? Why is his career or, worse, his ex's career more important when the upbringing of THEIR child is concerned - also taking into account you also share children together?

I hope you manage to get some answers during and strengthen from your psychotherapy sessions. I hope (though doubt) things change to enable more of a partnership in your marriage but the man you are married to sounds incredibly selfish to say the very least so have my doubts.

Sounds to me you'd be better off without him so you can put your life on a more even keel in practice and emotionally but can see how difficult that thought is particularly with regard to your own children.

Hope your session goes well and that you are able to get to a satisfactory solution (for you and your children).

He never raises his voice and is not generally confrontational but his weapon of choice is a three-day stony silence and sulk.

That is classic emotional abuse and as the child of a father who did the same I can tell you it is horrible to grow up with.

Have a read of this thread, there are many parallels with your situation.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

You do NOT need to get past your anger. Your anger is entirely reasonable. Keep hold of the anger to give yourself the backbone to change how you react to his manipulation of you.

Frankly, you need to be saying "whatever" a lot more instead of trying to talk him into not being a dickhead.

If he really really thinks it is OK to be a dickhead and really really believes you should be his submissive servant, if he says mean words to you, then you still don't have to obey him.

Tell him what you have said in here. I get really pissed with these threads. You are an intelligent woman, you are allowing this to happen. Say I want to speak to you...... I've been thinking..... This is how I feel..... And if you going to accuse me of not loving and carrying for dsd you are Choosing to miss my point..... And if you don't see my point..... you are not loving and caring for me ...... and I am now thinking of leaving you... if you sulk because you don't like what I say I will leave because I am worth more than you think I'm worth.

This thread is one of the reasons I would not support a youngish single woman (without DC), getting married or living with a man with children.

It's baggage that she doesn't need, when there are enough decent men without children.

It's a common problem for the stepmum to do a lot of childcare and the DH/DP takes on new jobs, different shifts etc... and stepmum ends up looking after his children.

@TowelNumber42 yes cross posts. At least that poster started doing something positive to better her life I often pop in to see how she's doing

The thing he is forgetting DSD is going remember that it was YOU that was there for her, went to her activities, run her around not him, she will remember that you made allowances for her not him.

How old is DSD now, is she getting to the point where she is more independent and can be left to her own devices.

He wants her with him so he can look like the 'better parent' without actually being a parent as I betting that you did and do all the parenting, cooking cleaning up after her as well.

Get some counselling for yourself and make yourself stronger so you can be able to stand up for yourself and start having a more equal relationship with your DH and or any future relationship.

. I get really pissed with these threads. You are an intelligent woman, you are allowing this to happen

It's very difficult to just stand up for yourself if you've been living with EA.

And you are victim blaming. It has nothing to do with being smart or not. My mother was emotionally abused by my father for over a decade and she has a first from Cambridge.

EA is very subtle and very difficult to confront. Actually the only way to deal with it is to leave.

You aren’t over-reacting OP, you are under-reacting. He’s a selfish twat and you know he is never going to change. I couldn’t live like this, I’d have to leave him.

MrsDogLady
He doesn’t seem to see you as a separate person. He feels entitled to your time and violates your boundaries to get you to serve his wants and needs.

^^ Totally agree with this.