Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

@colouringinpro if it's good, no doubt it'll be deleted within the hour...

Spot on their @changer

I've reported a load of stuff on that blog post thread. Ive had some emails from@mnhq but I doubt @MNHQ will actually apply the same rules as they have applied in here. I hope I'm wrong.

My post got deleted because I mentioned certain persistent posters ( ) who really don't like this thread at all and have been repeatedly deleted for their posts in the past.( You know who I mean) . by name.

My next post made no sense without the preceeding post, so I had it pulled.

changer brilliant analogy, thank you.
I’ve read your posts on the other forum, I don’t post there any more (together with a few other kindred spirits) after being shot down in flames for expressing bitterness and anger at the situation I find myself in.
And you’re right, there is nowhere else to go.

I've read through some of the other threads and I have to admit to feeling totally overwhelmed today. There is so much I would like to say but the one person who I need to talk to would never even hear me out let alone try to understand.

@Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon me too.

I have discovered today that it's ablist NOT to refer to Aspergers/Autism as a disability*. If I consider my husband disabled then that's good, but I'm to treat him as if he's not. So his less than socially appropriate behaviours are to be overlooked, because he's disabled. When he gets overwhelmed and hurts our children (emotionally) then denies it, I'm supposed to treat him as I would anybody else..but keep in mind he's disabled. If anybody else behaved like that with my children they'd be shown the door, but because I know he has Aspergers, I make allowances (so terribly ablist of me) and try to get help. That's not good either because it shows I'm not accepting his uniqueness.

I feel like this is an Emperor's New Clothes situation: I know he has Aspergers, the kids know there's something different, according to popular MN opinion I'm supposed to acknowledge his disability but we're all supposed to completely pretend and respond as though it's not there.

Doesn't make sense.

*I rarely use the term "disabled" about anybody, because I find that word "othering", which to me smacks of a ablism! And

No idea why all that bold appeared!

Loving someone whose behaviour causes so much damage and hurt, though unintentional, whether that be ASC, MH, addiction or for any other reason, has to be one of the toughest crosses to bear.

It’s a total mine field @changer - but we soldier on! (Both at home & online)

Hi @daft - hope you’re ok

I’m 12 days post moving out. Definitely up & down but it feels like the right thing for me (and DC). Therapy, tears, thinking plus plenty of fun times with DC are helping me through xx

Daft - I'd agree, but that makes us insensitive to the overwhelming, unimaginable pain that our OHs have because they have the Aspergers/Autism and therefore we're privileged and entitled. It's not a competition, but nobody has it worse than them having to deal with us NTs....

Interestingly when we've called the police about stuff, they've understood family members have a diagnosis and have been very understanding BUT that they don't get a "get out of jail free card" over the abuse just because they have a diagnosis, even though they have a diagnosis which the police do know about.
At the end of the day, abuse is abuse and a diagnosis doesn't get the abuser off the hook. The stuff they have done it's still a criminal offence., even if they have a diagnosis of ASC and they don't necessarily mean to be abusive.

I'm not sure. I've had a really tough time at work, I'm self building a grand design, she's spent all day carrying on about a crick in her neck, and apparently she's in her comfort zone.

Venting, sorry.

@Daftasabroom

@Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon It would seem that's not the case on Mumsnet.

daft to help relax, if nothing else!

Daft my reply to before the last was ironic btw.

I'm a bit fed up of what's going on on the thread and unless we agree that we're all ablist etc then posts can be deleted. So mine was an ironic vent!

Thanks all, what really got to me was that the moment I tried to explain how tough my week has been she just said "yeah you said". I've hardly got a word in, I'm struggling and she doesn't want that to interfere with her comfort zone.

Perfect analogy changer

I've had a couple of nights on my own thanks to my wonderful parents. Its been really lovely being able to be myself again. I now need to go home and have the "I am actually leaving" chat.

Bleedin hell changer, youve been through it!

Interesting to know there's currently another thread about Aspergers/Autism and relationships..where generalisations galore are taking place.

No deletions.

That was me Changer! Sadly instead of being given any advice it pretty much turned into a row about classification of Autism and that as I married DH I should shut up or leave

Don't even know if DH has ASD, I was just looking for thoughts and pointers on support.

@newcat I read your thread & was going to PM you tonight. You literally cannot mention Aspergers/ASD/HFA without being shot down in flames! This thread kicks off occasionally but we try & use it for our genuine needs!

We are very much here to support you. Yes it sounds as though your H has plenty of the traits shown on the spectrum. On here we are spouses who are coping, staying, leaving & all in need of a place to chat & vent at times.

I’m currently leaving my H. I’m living with my DC at my parents house. H is veering wildly between love-bombing me and being very rude & aggressive. It’s all pretty wearing to be honest. This week I need to sit down with him & tell him I want a divorce.

Hope you all had good weekends xxx

Thank you Moffa. In my ignorance I genuinely had no clue how contentious a subject it is.

In many ways DH functions well enough. His struggles definitely seems to be around social and emotional interaction. I don't think he would ever consider being assessed so not sure where that leaves me. All I do know is that I am exhausted from trying to compensate for what without a diagnosis, would clearly be seen as rude behaviour by anyone else

@newcat my H is similar. He would happily spend every night on his sofa. Socialising brings anxiety to him before we even go out (which manifests as him being horrible to me), he has minimised and minimised our social life over the years to the point where I go to weddings, Christenings, parties, dinners etc etc by myself. I’m sick of it, I’m sick of always doing everything alone.

He has a ‘special interest’ (his job) and he only likes talking about that. He also likes politics but cannot stand anyone having a different opinion to his! Last time someone challenged his political beliefs he told me afterwards they were not welcome to come to our house again.

He struggles with holidays (or trips) so we go to the same place, for the same 2 weeks every year. I pointed out this would change once DC start school. He looked really pissed off. He does like everything to revolve around his needs.

If you met him you would probably find him charming.