Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

By the way, I thought it's probably appropriate to post this here as it comes from Professor Hapé's Mumsnet sponsored post. Interesting that generalisations aren't allowed on this thread because they're ableist...

"While it’s clear that every girl on the autism spectrum is unique, there are some characteristics you might notice and should look out for.

These include:

• Struggling socially – may find it difficult to make or keep friends, can’t ‘put herself in someone else’s shoes’, or may find ‘doing social’ exhausting, needing lots of downtime alone afterwards (eg after school).
• Communication is different – may take things literally and find it difficult to tell if someone is joking or being sarcastic, may seem to stick to a ‘script’ (eg for small talk) or copy others (eg to know when to laugh).
• Finds change difficult – more distressed by unexpected small changes to plan or routine than others her age, dislikes surprises, needs certainty and sees things in ‘black or white’ terms.
• Sensory sensitivities – can’t bear certain sounds, textures, sensations (eg, light touch, fluorescent lights), but loves and gets lost in other sensory experiences (eg spinning objects or self).
• Intense interests - has all-encompassing interest in one, relatively narrow topic/collection, and it may be hard to redirect her attention or conversation to other things.
• Poor mental health – most autistic girls (and boys) suffer a lot of anxiety, and depression (and even suicide) can be a problem, as well as eg eating disorders, ADHD, clumsiness…"

Pina
It would be such a shame to feel hounded out, especially when you feel the thread has helped you. Like much in the world nowadays you have to try and blank it. I haven’t read it and don’t intend to. If it makes them happy to rant, that’s fine.
others!. So interesting that many of us got together on the rebound. I suppose that a big break up is very bad for one’s confidence. I totally thought that the rebound guy was “the one” and when it all went bad I stopped trusting my instincts. I had doubts about DH, but like box I ignored them.

All these years later I am always fatigued and lacking in motivation to do anything. I’m beginning to think it’s the years of trying so hard to make everything all right, to stop minding not being “seen”. It takes a lot out of you. I remember some years ago a friend came to visit and she said “are you ok? You look rather tired” and I just burst into tears because I was so unused to that level of connection.

There could be a similar support thread for those ASD people married to NT people!

I consider HFA to be an absolute gift, please don't imagine that NT behaviour doesn't cause issues too.

I thought relationships were about compromise and teamwork? Maybe I just don't have the emotional intelligence to understand? 😉

Man1974 there could indeed be the support group you suggest. Feel free to start one.

sovery totally agree.

changer - 💐
so very
I think a lot of us recognise this behaviour...
Aint’ that the truth! That’s the crux of the whole problem. My DH can’t or won’t accept that I have feelings and point of view that matter to me, which makes me feel unacknowledged, unimportant and unloved.

What is (was) great about these threads is that I can express those feelings to others who understand, which makes me feel validated for the first time in years.

@changer @stardust @soverytired

i think a lot of us recognise this behaviour...

The irony cannot be lost on us 🤷‍♀️

@changer my post was deleted too!

@man1974. Please, please do! And say what you like, we will not police it because it is not to support us!

The Women & Girls with Autism thread & this thread are completely unrelated. Not everyone seems to understand that!

Happy Weekends all! X

Unfortunately the silly reporting and deleting and people who can't accept that this thread is a helpline for people who don't share their point of view means that it is not as supportive as the first couple of threads were.

I rarely bother these days, I read sometimes and 😔 at where it has ended up.

MNHQ need to understand that many of the women on this thread are in emotionally abusive relationships. Can you imagine them deleting and policing the thread in such a way if it was somewhere else?

As always .

Maybe you could stop attacking people who aren't posting on this thread, and that might prevent some of the deletions?

Just a thought.

There are many people who aren't autistic who also don't feel sweeping generalizations about disability or implying that people don't agree with you BECAUSE they have a disability, rather than simply not agreeing with some of the generalization that have been posted, are in the spirit of MN.

I am NT, with a partner with a different mental health diagnosis. I've managed to engage in several support type threads without issues. I've reported posts on this thread because of what was said in them. Feel free to attack me if you like, because I'll take it all day every day.

@m3lon, no one is attacking people. Talking about previous posters on this and the previous thread, who have repeatedly tried to shut this thread down, isn't attacking them. It's just commenting on what they've done in the past.

People haven't just commented on what posters have done, they have commented on who they are, their supposed motivations and their disability. That's why posts are deleted.

Honestly its perfectly possible to give and receive support on the topic of partners with diagnosis without posting generalities or complaining when others point out ableist language. Its definitely possible to do it without asserting that people who disagree with you only do so because of disability or mental ill health.

M3lon, does your partner have an ASC?

I took DC to the cinema this afternoon. It was a good opportunity for me to sit in the dark & have a long cry. I don’t know if I felt better for it but it was good to have an emotional release. I feel totally overwhelmed by life.

Moffa flowers
When I split from my first husband, and it was pretty horrid, I used to drive to a country lane, park up, put the radio on loud, and scream and scream and yell.
Whenever I drive past there (not often now) I remember how I felt.
It’s cathartic.

Flowers fail , have some instead!

Thank you is perfect!

I'm completely baffled why we're not allowed to comment on posts or about them I mean, isn't that the entire point of a forum?! Isn't everyone doing that all over Mumsnet?!

I used to feel (still do sometimes) with DH that it was like he stepped on my foot and it hurt. I'd say "Ouch!" and ask him to get off. He'd then do it again. I'd say the same thing. Third time I'd get annoyed and tell him he was hurting me. He'd do it again. And on it went. My foot was blue and swollen. I needed crutches to walk. Then I found out he had Aspergers. So I now had to accept that he wasn't meaning to hurt me, he didn't understand fully the message that it really hurt. And he kept on standing on my foot. I'm supposed to not feel the pain because his diagnosis is more painful than my foot, which is now swollen up to my knee and my hands and shoulders hurt from the crutches. Anybody asks why I'm on crutches and I tell them, they say, "Oh poor DH, he has Aspergers/Autism, you better not be complaining. He doesn't mean to, he can't help it. Never mind if he steps on your foot, it's nothing in comparison to his Aspergers."

These threads would make a great research topic for someone.

Changer that is a spot on analogy

There is so much that warrants response, but we are being silenced. I've already more or less stopped posting until the last few days.

If there's a thread that offends me, maybe I'll report once, maybe, but then I'll hide it. That's what the Hide function is for.

If people are in great, emotionally nurturing, sexually fulfilling relationships with a partner with Aspergers, BRILLIANT! That's fabulous. I hope it stays that way. I wish I was too! They probably don't need to be here though! But people who aren't can - well, could - come here. No discussion can take place now because posts are reported and removed for the slightest offence.

It's very sad.