Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

Oh & he always walks (strides) out in front. Even when I was 9 months pregnant.

And he has forgotten how to be joyful. To have fun. To be silly. He doesn’t get the children's humour. He won’t have conversations of no value. No pondering ‘what if?’ Or ‘would you rather?’

newcat12345 Gosh, yes, I saw your thread. I got annoyed, so I didn't read to the end.. That wasn't out of lack of support though, more my mental health and blood pressure!

I'm talking about another one though!!

It would appear, that we're not the only ones to have our experiences minimised/dismised (only this thread has any deletions though..). Parents who suggest that - at least at times - it's really hard having a child on the spectrum are shut down too, because they are NT.

Sounds just like my DH Moffa.
On the rare occasion we have friends round it won't occur to him to offer them a drink or a chair. I'm constantly reminding him to do things we would consider good manners.

A real problem is his use of alcohol to overcome the anxiety and then he literally won't shut up. Politics, religion, you name it, he'll spout for hours. Last year I took the DC home early from a wedding as he'd had a skinful (I see now it was to overcome nerves) and he had literally backed this poor relative into a corner. woman looked like her ears were bleeding.

It's like a dichotomy between looking terrified and silent or ranting verbal diarrhoea (depending on alcohol consumption).

Today we are sat outside with friends, me chatting to them, him drilling them about the inner workings of their swimming pool
Last night they laid on an absolute feast of a meal; instead of saying "wow, how lovely" it was "blimey, never seen so much food" . He just doesn't get that he's being rude and I either just have to leave it or risk a tow.

In the other thread I was accused of clearly hating my husband and being plain nasty. I don't hate him; I want to understand what it is I'm dealing with and how I can support him/myself.

And he has forgotten how to be joyful. To have fun. To be silly. He doesn’t get the children's humour. He won’t have conversations of no value. No pondering ‘what if?’ Or ‘would you

THIS!!!

@newcat yes you need lots of support. I can’t handle living with my H anymore. I’m (relatively) young with 2 preschool aged DC and I don’t want this to be my life. I need to be with someone who will hug me without me having to ask (for what is then a 2 second brief hug like he is hugging an old wee smelling granny!) and who will walk in and brighten my day. H is a great guy in many ways, especially as a friend rather than a husband!

My advice to you (and before I get shot down by any lurkers I confess I am no expert!) is:

1. Always earn your own money. Have your own bank account and always have some handy savings (just because you never know).

2. Maintain your important friendships & confide in trustworthy friends if you are sad/frustrated in your marriage. Coping alone can be traumatic and very bad for your own Mental Wellbeing.

3. Take up sociable hobbies. Sports, books, cookery - whatever you’re in to. Have a hobby where you get to be just you.

4. Keep being adventurous - even if it is alone or with DC. Just because H doesn’t like stepping out of his comfort zone, it’s good for you to explore.

5. Get some individual therapy with someone specialising in ASD/NT relationship dynamics - they will give you so many tips & coping strategies. Baring in mind your H can’t and won’t change, you have to adjust your expectations regarding emotions etc. It can be hard. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’m so glad I did. I had no idea therapy would be so helpful.

I’m sure others on here will have lots of great advice for you xxx

I've never posted before but I think this is what my partner has. He never shows any affection. I am desperate for a cuddle longer than 2 seconds.
He never wants to do anything or go anywhere, he's happy just laying in bed watching his programmes.
He's so rude to people and doesn't even realise it or care.
It's exhausting.
He is great in someways but I just don't know if I can live my life like this forever

The joyful thing! YES!

Even our dcs have worked this out now. I messaged him about some amazingly good news. His reply "that's good." All our friends and families were full off emojis and adjectives. Dds said dad doesntvdo happy, he just does normal or sad.

I know that's sad. But for me who's said this to him for years and got looked at like I'm stupid and unreasonable, it was bliss.

Moffa ❤

I find it much better being separated.

intents good luck. Unmumsnetty hugs.

@timefora - welcome 💙

Thanks @colouringinpro - me too! Although he gets back from a trip today so no doubt he’ll be harassing me about when I’m going to come home (I’m not!) 💖

We are home from holiday now and realise I need to do something. Spending 24/7 together in an unfamiliar environment is so stressful; not what it should be. Me and DCs have experienced DH's anxieties and behaviour in Technicolor

Can I ask how you all approached the suggestion of ASD with your OH?

I need DH to start considering his behaviour without it causing a war and him thinking I'm just getting at him

For us it was dd being diagnosed. We both noticed similarities. Dh took the step himself to be referred.

For us it was DD finally having a diagnosis, aged 21, after o so many years of meltdowns, violence and abuse from her. During the protracted (repeat) diagnosis process DH was asked how he felt, as it was obvious to hcp he was showing very similar signs. He was finally assessed, and diagnosed, ASD in the last year. He hasn't struggled in the same way as DD, but tbh he's had me supporting him for nearly 40 years to present as NT!
. I wasn't showing any obvious signs during all this , and I was assessed (voluntarily) and found to be NT. But very very stressed and suffering from c ptsd as a result of all this.

@newcat my H’s mother knew he had Aspergers. He accepts he has the traits but won’t go for diagnosis. He thinks he can fix anything.... he doesn’t need a diagnosis

@soverytired it was the PTSD/OTRS in myself that lead me to therapy. Unfortunately because he doesn’t have a diagnosis it meant my Mental Health assessment showed all the markers of domestic abuse. Throughout the process I kept asking for a therapist who specialises in ASD/NT relationships and my therapist is truly amazing. She keeps anticipating his behaviour before it happens. I wish I had found her a year earlier but I was at the very early stages of researching why I was so sad xx

@moffa same here. When I was first assessed I made it clear it was DD who was triggering me, and DH was largely not causing any difficulties. He's difficult to live with, yes, but not very abusive. Just... quirky.

sovery
I so relate to supporting him for 40 years and my DH sounds like yours - quirky but not impossible, apart from me feeling unacknowledged. Having had his diagnosis, has it made any difference to the two of you? Does it change anything?

Moffa how did you find your therapist? I think I need to speak to someone before I can broach subject with DH

@newcat I went via my GP armed with information on OTRS (which was good as I cried the entire time I was in with the GP) and requested a referral and said it needed to be someone who understood ASD within intimate relationships. Then had my assessment over the phone, was referred to the domestic abuse team but again I said I needed someone with ASD understanding & experience. When my therapist called me to make my first appointment I asked her if she had experience of ASD/NT relationships & she has plenty. I live near Canterbury, Kent, South East.

I think you can find specialist therapists online, there may be some linked to the different together or faaas websites. It is expensive though, it would be £160 per hour to see my therapist privately but you would see them very quickly. It would be well worth it anyway but I felt that was so much money to spend when I need to be saving pennies for renting so I just had an NHS referral and waited the 6 weeks or so.

Whatever you do, just make sure the therapist understands this particular relationship dynamic. Good luck xxx

Thank you Moffa, will look into that today.

DH isn't 'abusive' or fixed in routines/rituals/obsessions. He works so hard and provides well (ironically says everything he does is for us ), which I guess is something but his utterly 'flat' social and emotional interaction is what I've had to deal with for 27 years. Like a PP says, it's 'death by a thousand cuts'.

All I do know is that I AM SO LONELY; he shows no kindness or joy to me or DC. He is incapable of having a private joke or silly small talk. Everything is such hard work. If I explicitly ask for a hug/cup of tea he'll do it but otherwise he exists in his own world. Similarly any organisation of something nice is always down to me - he'll go along with plans but I am just exhausted constantly having to remind him to join in with the conversation, or make suggestions on what we do. He seems utterly oblivious that he's wandering around with a face like a slapped arse, 6 feet ahead of us - then gets pissy when DC tell him to cheer up.

There have been several points during our marriage when I have threatened to leave (for example his utter lack of concern when I nearly drowned a few years ago!) I've just put that behaviour down to being an arsehole and have stayed because he is utterly aghast and vows to change. But after a few months it all slips again. From this thread I'm now pretty sure that if he does have ASD he is actually incapable of change and I must therefore look to myself in terms of what to do.

My mum and friends think I should do the counselling. If nothing else to show that I've tried everything. I just want to run away.

@intents me too

newcat yes that flat and emotionless is deadly. Totally understand what you mean. Most other people can't see it, but like you say day on day for years is soul destroying.

I was reading an article today about the importance of connecting with people to our wellbeing and mental health. I didn't have that with my ex and it took me ages to work out why I was so unhappy. That was it. I'm less lonely being single than I was living with him.

@colouringinpro I agree. Ok it’s only been 2 weeks but I don’t miss anything because there isn’t much to miss (he works 7/7 long hours). I just feel very guilty. Guilty he is in what was ‘our’ home by himself. I don’t think he is emotionally tuned enough to feel that sad about it, but I do as a NT.

Hope everyone is doing ok this evening xx