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Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

999 replies

changerofnameaspiethread · 05/03/2019 11:50

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

OP posts:
stardustandroses · 03/04/2019 06:44

moffa
Yes I am still with H, 40 years on. My situation is different in that he is very aimiable, loves socialising (mega embarrassing though - no idea of conversation, just talks at people, interrupts, says random things...) But he is like a child. We never had an adult relationship but in the beginning I was on the rebound from someone else and his naivety was refreshing. Also he was incredibly good looking (how shallow am I!!). But after a couple of years of marriage I knew something wasn’t right and I left.

The rest is history...guilt trip, parental condemnation - I just ran out of strength and it was easier to go back. He is a sweet man but totally doesn’t get it as I said before. I’m like a precious object he keeps in a cupboard and occasionally opens the door and thinks how lucky he is and then closes the door and gets on with his life!! So I understand this feeling of being dead. I feel that he sees me as a function rather than a person.

The trouble is all those years ago I was the “bolter” and made to feel it. My mother was a nightmare - “I have no daughter” and other histrionics rather than understanding and support. Had I known it wasn’t all me I think I wouldn’t have felt so bad and I could have left before the DCs came along. Some other poor sap would have snapped him up and good luck to them!

IntentsandPorpoises · 03/04/2019 11:24

@stardustandroses INteresting as I was also on the rebound when I got together with H. I had been with someone who I thought was 'it', love of my life etc. Turned out he didn't want to/couldn't commit and so it ended. I then went a bit wild and towards the end a few months met H. He was so calm, settled and just wanted to buy a house, settle down, early nights. It was appealing then.

He has gone away for work and it is lovely. I feel like a dark cloud has been lifted off the house.

Timeforplans · 03/04/2019 16:48

@IntentsandPorpoises @stardustandroses interesting again as I was also on the rebound from someone who I thought was the one but it didn't work out. Terrible break up, I was devastated, went wild and then met my H who was sensible and happy with just me and him. I was grateful for this. Now I just find it suffocating

PinaColada1 · 03/04/2019 16:55

@moffa I’d second seeing a solicitor. It’s really helped me, and I’ve got a lot of logical thinking to do to get some plans in place. Hope it’s given you strength.

I said to DP recently that I feel like his secret. It’s kind of like the feeling of being dead. He never mentions me at work, keeps everything separate. Like being put in a cupboard @stars. For me it is literally being in the house. He doesn’t see me anywhere else. He goes out with other people and his family pretend I don’t exist too. So weird.

Norashdecisions · 03/04/2019 17:41

Interesting is right...I was also on the rebound when I got together with H...

Moffa · 03/04/2019 20:54

@intents @stardust @timeforplans @norashdecisions
I also met H 6 weeks after a long term relationship ended! Confused He was gorgeous and quirky but always in control which I liked. He was safe & dependable & I fell in love quickly.

Bluebellforest1 · 03/04/2019 21:26

Me too re rebound.
Not immediate though, I’d been divorced 4 years, I had 3 boys 11, 14, 16 then.
I had met a man 6 months previously through a friend, he was a widower, we had a bit of a fling for a couple of months then he dumped me. I’d been so flattered that someone fancied me, I’d never thought anyone would. I was devastated,
4 months later I met ‘d’ h online. With the benefit of hindsight he lovebombed me, but yes he was quirky, but stable, safe, etc etc.
19 years later and I feel trapped and want to escape the cage I’m in, but
It’s not easy.

IntentsandPorpoises · 04/04/2019 13:01

We are being complained about on a guest blog post about women and girls with autism.

midcenturylegs · 04/04/2019 14:44

@IntentsandPorpoises That's unfair - this is a support network and tbh the nicest thread I've ever come across.

Moffa · 04/04/2019 15:10

Well they need a support space to rant too. As long as they leave us in peace I’m cool with it! X

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 04/04/2019 15:43

It's pretty unpleasant about this and the other threads :( and it's the same posters (who had a lot of posts removed by MNHQ) saying the same stuff. I wouldn't go there tbh unless you feel very strong!

IntentsandPorpoises · 04/04/2019 16:23

I've hidden it, I'm not going back.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 04/04/2019 16:27

@IntentsandPorpoises Flowers

Bluebellforest1 · 04/04/2019 16:43

Let them get on with it. I suggest we ignore. I’ve hidden it too.

TheStaff · 04/04/2019 18:22

PinaColada1
I said to DP recently that I feel like his secret.
I know that feeling, it's like being the housekeeper or the staff.
I remember once being with DH and both children on the train on a day-trip to London. One of DH's work mates got on the train and they chatted away for an hour. Not once did the children or myself get mentioned or introduced. I couldn't help myself when we got up to leave to say goodbye to this man and to tell the children to follow daddy off the train
Wink

PinaColada1 · 04/04/2019 19:23

@thestaff it’s so helpful to think I’m not alone in feeling like a secret, however sorry that you are too. Sad. None of my other married friends feel like a secret. If we meet someone he knows out, he gets jumpy and they view me with suspicion. I feel quite paranoid sometimes!

PinaColada1 · 04/04/2019 19:30

He was gorgeous and quirky but always in control which I liked. He was safe & dependable & I fell in love quickly. yes I did too! Not on the rebound, but I loved that he was so solid and he charmed me completely. Strangely though my first instincts were to stay clear, even though he was lovely, highly intelligent, good job, lovely house, kind and sensible. I thought I was mad not to go for him.

I still find it hard to put that initial hope and joy away and see the relationship I have now, compared to the one I used to.

I do think I probably do have ASD traits myself though, there’s a lot of mutual attraction I think.

boxlikeamarchhare · 04/04/2019 19:41

He was gorgeous and quirky but always in control which I liked. He was safe & dependable & I fell in love quickly. yes I did too! Not on the rebound, but I loved that he was so solid and he charmed me completely. Strangely though my first instincts were to stay clear, even though he was lovely, highly intelligent, good job, lovely house, kind and sensible. I thought I was mad not to go for him.

I could have written this word for word Pina. As the years went on the gorgeous was replaced with an almost permanent pissy facial expression and the quirky became intolerable. I have resolved not to see him at all. Once I do have to see him again I hope I will feel much less than I do.

I have now told many acquaintances that we have separated and do you know what ... they all get it, without my expanding on anything.

Flowers, I don't come back here very often these days.

p.s. I really recommend the headspace app, £70 for a year's subscription - lots of sets of guided meditation on different issues. I feel permanently nauseous at the minute, stress, grief and god knows what else. I feel a big difference after a 15 minute session and I am fitting in three a day, not as they should be done, two walking the dog and one at home.

Moffa · 04/04/2019 21:51

@pina even my mum says ‘the man you married is not the man you are married to’. I miss him. I’m sad I didn’t get him.

@box the gorgeous-to-pissy facial expression thing actually made me smile - same here! I’ve also started telling a few people & have had the same reaction. Sad but not surprised. My SIL said ‘you deserve better’. My cousin said she wasn’t surprised as this wasn’t the life I thought I would have (he’s a workaholic) and my best friend offered to do a 6 hour round trip to see me this weekend. I said she couldn’t as I’m living with my parents 😂 but we’re going to meet halfway next week for lunch.

Fourth session of therapy today. I’m so happy I have that space to talk & cry and ask for help with coping. I know this is the right decision for me but it is still full of ups & downs & guilt & sadness. My therapist totally gets ASD and talks a lot about how my H sees things - it’s interesting, but hard to hear.

Hope you’re all doing ok Flowers

wizzywig · 04/04/2019 22:28

Oh wow that girls and asd thread are really pissed off at us arent they

wizzywig · 04/04/2019 22:29

moffa it sounds like you are making lots of new realisations these days.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 04/04/2019 23:00

I'm having to sit on my fingers so as not to post. It's being very unpleasant to this thread. Not quire sure why it can't just concentrate on the topic of the thread, as we do here?

PinaColada1 · 04/04/2019 23:42

Yes I read the other thread, even though I know I shouldn’t.

I feel quite upset at all the anger, and accusations of ableism and discmination.

I don’t think I want to post here any more, I feel vulnerable enough exposing deeply personal issues without feeling that quite a few people feel very angry and are reading my posts. It makes me very uneasy.

I do want to thank any of you who have given me a bit of a sense that I’m not crazy, and support. I do hope things work out well for all of you, whether that ultimately means leaving or working it out with your partners. Flowers

Moffa · 05/04/2019 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ChangerOfNameAspieThread · 05/04/2019 07:05

I just saw that thread and came over here. It's completely shaken me up.

My DH's ASPERGERS is causing massive problems with our young children right now. Psychologists (plural) are involved and have all agreed the problem is caused by the things causing his diagnosis. BUT he disagrees because he can't see that his Aspergers has any relation to his inability to read people's emotions:they're just over reacting and being silly - he can read them perfectly well...

He's not an arse, he's lovely. But if emotions are red, he's almost colourblind.

[Post edited by MNHQ with permission from poster]

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