Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

@Apple222 it’s that he’s not responsible for anything, nothing is his fault, if I challenge him it’s “I didn’t mean to......it’s not my fault..........You made me.........”
But never “I’m sorry”

@Apple222 and yes, he can be charming to guests. He mostly is, but can also be unbelievably rude. My son and DIL came over at Christmas a couple of years ago, he opened his present from them and his response was appalling- because it was a book and he’d bought the same book for me. He had a massive sulk. Man child.

@Bluebellforest1 I hear you. I never get a ‘sorry’ either. A ‘sorry’ would go a long way to helping me feel a bit more hopeful. And also to stop classifying an absolute mess he has created as a ‘mistake anyone could make’. No, no, that’s not a mistake. A mistake is putting the wrong date for an appointment in your diary, not creating situations that have a long term impact because you have failed to assess situations and respond in a way that considers other people.

I hear you about the present and can empathise. My DH gets cross if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for presents. It’s not that he has asked for anything in particular....he just expects it to be what he wants and when it isn’t there is a fall-out. It’s the behaviour you get from a toddler.

The neurotypical is a hate site and it’s appalling that MN allows such links.

Why is hate against autistic people allowed here? Awful.

Why are autistic people allowed here? Awful
I expect This to be deleted

Or, why is hate against neurotypical people allowed here? Awful.
Let’s see which gets deleted first. Hmmmmmm

the passive aggressiveness is hard to put your finger on, but when we were divorcing, his -best friend- contacted me to say that the PAness was clear.

it was a resistance to everything, even sensible ideas; things went wrong that shouldn't have, practical conversatoins and everything.

And yes, almost no one would see what was going on. I was amazed his best friend did, and someone who stands in place of the English grandad saw a bit of it too. No one else.

@SeaEagleFeather Thank you. I think that is what makes it so difficult. Others don’t see it...unless they somehow find themselves in a conflict situation in which case it comes across loud and clear.

I’ve not reported your ableist post @Bluebellforest1 - I think it should stand as it shows the discrimination we face - that you see us ALL in the same way.

But I did report the link to the hate site and I’m relieved to see that it has been removed.

@MTNT why post in here? This is a thread for those NT partners of AT people ( and, occasionaly those NT people with adult AT children)

Why are you in here, getting helpful links deleted?

Why was the first link deleted that I posted. Do MNHQ even read the things they delete? Or do they just take someone else's word for it? The neurotypical is not a hate site it is a site acknowledging the experience of some spouses, partners and parents of people with autism who experience levels of stress similar to people in combat. When I read that article I felt like someone understood how hard it is to be the NT person in a relationship with someone who is ND, there are many sites for ASD people and partners of people with other disabilities. Do NT partners and spouses not have feelings and needs too that need a space for them to be heard? The relationship boards are full of women talking negatively about men, posts are not removed for being sexist because there is an understanding that women who have had a hard time with some men need a space to sound off about their experiences.

@MTNT some of the comments here are extremely raw, they are not dissablest. These posts are not about you. If the phrasing is clumsy forgive us. I love my ND family more than anything in the world and would do anything for them. It's just s bit of a one way street and I can't keep it forever.

@Choconuttolata Well said. This thread should be a safe space for partners of people with ASD. The 15 tips are very helpful and I do not see that website as being a hate site at all. I think all of us are able to be selective in what we read anyway.

I would agree too that help for partners of people with ASD is virtually non-existent so having a thread like this is a great support. All of us try so bloody hard every day to support our partners while trying to look after our own mental health. Seems like that challenges some people.

I feel silenced again. I'd love it if my ex-H could actually understand that I have my own experiences and they are valid, without telling me that I haven't got a foot to stand on and I'm wrong to feel the way I do.

That link was excellent.

MTNT you make me angry because you're telling people they can't write their experiences in a place which is not intended for you.

In your post you make a sweeping generalization and then you pick up on someone else's gently ironic post pointing out what you've done and claim it's discriminatory, without looking at your own behaviour.

This was my experience with my husband. Very ready to assume he's right in all circumstances and unable to examine his own behaviour, which was worse.

I wrote a long piece on PA back in the days web1.0, so maybe 15 years ago. My take from my experience with DW has two aspects; firstly that PA is rooted in anxiety, and the second is that PA is really about control. It's about taking control of a situation without being held responsible, "how can it be my fault, I didn't do anything?" at the same as having a sense of control - just as we all do. It's often also conflated with avoidant behaviour. So typically we're late and DW decides now is the time to clean the coffee machine, while everyone else is sitting in the car pulling our hair out.

@SeaEagleFeather You have my empathy. Unfortunately MTNT’s post had the impact of invalidating our feelings and experience which mirrors what happens in real life. I felt the same. 😢

@Daftasabroom 1000% Anxiety, control and avoidance at the root of outward aggression. I have felt that for years. Thank you for sharing 🙏

Hello everyone. We've had a few mails now about the website linked above and so we thought it best we address this on the thread.

We fully understand that this thread is an important source of support for many MNers, and so we moderate with this in mind. While we're far from the experts here, the site linked has received quite a lot of criticism for generalising and equating ASD with violence, among other things. Because we don't know enough about the website's reliability as a source of info, we've erred on the side of caution and removed it.

While we'd never consider minimising the experience of an individual MNer, we do ask that generalising is avoided. Similarly, we also ask that all users respect that this is a space for people to have a vent and get support, and to please not argue with other posters about their own personal experiences or tell them they are wrong.

We can't promise to always get this right but we hope you understand where we're coming from. Thank you.

It's about taking control of a situation without being held responsible, "how can it be my fault, I didn't do anything?" at the same as having a sense of control - just as we all do. It's often also conflated with avoidant behaviour.

this was my experience. Desperately avoiding disagreement, never mind actual conflict, 0 ability to -resolve- either disagreement or conflict, but also angry so he made sure to let it be seen in subtle and effective ways.

So much of this could describe Arsehole behaviour but I'm not sure it was; his financial dishonesty was but I think this PA thing was due to his brain wiring.

He woudln't go for an assessment but I'm currently getting the older Eaglet assessed with an extremely experienced retired Professor and when I said I thought he had autism she said "I think it's very likely"

older Eaglet's dad has autism* I mean

Sigh. I could equally argue the site concerned has proved invaluable to support NT partners of ND people. But yet again our feelings and experiences
of living with a ND partner are being invalidated. Thanks a bunch, @MNHQ .

@Bluebellforest1 you mentioned DH not having your back. I had this exact conversation with my brother a few months ago. That very phrase. I know that more than DW not having my back whenever I need her most she cannot cope and will somehow add to or amplify a situation.

@Apple222 you mentioned waiting for your DP to die rather than divorcing. I have to admit to having similar thoughts, perhaps even wanting it to happen. For me this was one of the most profoundly disturbing things about our relationship How can someone push their partner that far?