Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

@Daftasabroom yes. He doesn’t have my back, he can’t cope, and he twists everything so that it’s all about him.

I may have told this story here before but about 14 years ago I had a “recall for further investigation” letter following a routine mammogram. I was quite upset and worried and told him when he got home from work. I was told to stop being so dramatic, then told me all about his day at work while I sat at the table, tears rolling down my face.

I broke my ankle about 9 years ago, we were walking the Dog together. I had to tell him to go home and get the car. He dropped me at A&E and left me on my own there, because he doesn’t like hospitals. He picked me up later when I rang him and when we got home I had to tell him to help me out of the car and into the house. He then poured himself a very large glass of wine (because he was stressed!) and rang his mum to tell her all about it.

I also hope he dies first, and I’m not proud of that thought.

[quote Daftasabroom]@Bluebellforest1 you mentioned DH not having your back. I had this exact conversation with my brother a few months ago. That very phrase. I know that more than DW not having my back whenever I need her most she cannot cope and will somehow add to or amplify a situation.[/quote]
I know that more than DW not having my back whenever I need her most she cannot cope and will somehow add to or amplify a situation.

Yes. oh YES. Including in circumstances that will have permanent and long lasting effects on our oldest son.

He doesn’t have my back, he can’t cope, and he twists everything

yes to the twisting too. I had to get everything in email or he'd say he hadn't said it, or that wasn't what he meant. And argue the toss until the end of time, ignoring that he was trying to avoid the actual desperate hurt he'd inflicted on both our older son and me.

It was unforgiveable.

I have just applied for counselling again.

It came to a head the week of starting back to school. Eldest (awaiting ASD assessment) was starting secondary, middle and youngest (ASD) back to primary. Anxiety in everyone high due to transition and new travel arrangements for the eldest. DH (ASD) basically just shut down for a week and left me to deal with it, did not help get the children ready just slept in everyday and did not help by cleaning or cooking. Luckily I had taken a week off work to deal with the start of term. Problem is he is the parent who needs to be able to do the school run due to my working hours and I had taken a week off to support him in getting used to it, instead of using that time he completely ostriched and then lashed out at me and eldest when school travel arrangements were more complicated than expected and he didn't understand what was going on. Now he will be stressed and not used to doing the school stuff when I return to work.

All of the communication and organisational burden falls on me and if he is not even functioning in his parental role/home role then it is more for me to do too.

I am exhausted by it all.

This is quite a good site too for those interested.

I spend my life like I'm walking on eggshells, yet when I think I've found some steady ground I just get the rug pulled from under me.

Daftasabroom., yes, same here. Eggshell walking constantly, then a few hours where you think “oooh, this is a normal life” then it all goes to shit again.

@Choconuttolata Exhausting indeed. How are you feeling now? I meant to respond to your post immediately as I get that feeling of being overwhelmed and wanted to say that I understood. Life took over.

This week I feel as though I have had to sort everything out at home. When it comes to practical arrangements it’s always down to me. DH gets cross as he says he would do it but in his own time. What time is that then?? Never? 2023? When I have asked multiple times? I’m not ‘allowed’ to nag (ask) so nothing gets done unless I do it. He just does not see it. Don’t get me wrong we both work hard but I feel home is my second job.

@Daftasabroom Same happens here. We have a plan, Both of us know the plan and are happy with it. Then suddenly without warning, DH goes and does something completely random which destroys said plan. Why? Just why? I struggle to forgive that.

@Bluebellforest1 Yes this happens to me. I had a fleeting time when I thought we are working as a team. Not so. He blew it spectacularly. Don’t know whether it was the need to take control or whether he just couldn’t cope with all the other stuff going on at the time but any hope of us being a team was destroyed In that moment. For him being a team feels like he is relinquishing control I think...

I am so exhausted.

I am ok thanks Apple, counselling is helping. We will see how things go when we finally get back to school after having to isolate due to a poorly child.

I find DH can sabotage plans often due to anxiety about doing something new, issues transitioning from being in the house to outside, poor executive functioning or fixation on his special interests.

When he feels anxious or out of control with changes happening in his world that he has no control over or are new (like recently with school starting) he becomes more controlling within the home over small things, some of that manifests as becoming more resistant to do things on other people's timescales or a retreat into special interests which means time management and other important things that need doing get sidelined. It is very frustrating.

@Choconuttolata I can relate to that. Anxiety / need for control seems to be at the bottom of a lot of the issues. DH can’t seem to face up to things and seems powerless to do anything constructive about challenges that arise. Instead he either retreats into his hobbies or explodes, blaming me usually for something that happened years ago that actually has no bearing on the present in order to transfer responsibility. I guess both are characteristic of avoidance and not taking responsibility for things. He cannot bear feeling out of control which is ok when things are going his way but impossible the rest of the time. I do empathise.

Glad counselling is helping. If nothing else it gives you a safe outlet. Take care. It’s exhausting I know.

choconuttolata I get that too, the sabotage. The executive processing thing was just impossible to handle too.

in retrospect the main impression I have is of dishonestly. Anything at ALL to avoid conflict, which led to gigantic lies to me and huge financial loss.

Mind you when he lied about being loaned money, that was Arseholeness not Autism, Im certain.

Being married was a long slow process of disillusion and disappointment and loneliness.

@SeaEagleFeather I agree regarding dishonesty. He lies to get himself out of situations that are too challenging for him. It is strange that many people have the impression that people with autism can’t lie but my experience is totally the opposite. He’d rather lie than face up to challenges. Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance. Unable to be true to himself and actually starts believing this own lies.

The mess this creates is shocking and I can never work out whether it is based on trying to please other people all the time or avoidance / trying to take control. Probably the latter.

I do empathise.

I just posted on another thread asking whether a relationship with someone with Aspergers can work well? I've met someone who has Asp and is quite wonderful but although I'm very communicative etc, I'm wondering whether we have a future together as he seems quite closed off in many ways though I know he definitely does care for me. His actions almost show this even though he can retreat at times. It's very early days but I'm trying to understand whether it has legs. Prior to this, I was in a very mentally abusive relationship and this is the first person I've met who I think is really special.

@Eesha I would suggest you read Aspergers in Love by Maxine Aston. If you recognise any of what she says then you will at least be prepared.

I can only talk about my DP but one of the things you hear time and time again is that at the start of relationships people with ASD can be incredibly charming and wonderful. Sustaining that is another matter. Things may deteriorate though when real life takes over and there are challenges. That’s perhaps when the ASD shows itself most clearly....once they don’t have to ‘try’ any more.

That said, everyone is different but do read the book because at least you will have an understanding of the potential impact.

This thread too is invaluable. These are real life stories from people who live it day to day. If any of these stories ring true then at least you are prepared.

Personally if I knew then what I know now then no, I would have run for the hills. The impact on me has been too great and it’s been too high a price to pay.

Take care of yourself.

@Eesha What I was trying to say before my message got deleted was read the experiences of people on this thread. These are real stories from real people.

Put yourself, and your needs first especially if you have had a tough experience in a relationship in the past. Relationships are tough at the best of times, relationships with a person with ASD are even more complicated and tougher to navigate because the condition affects social interaction, communication and empathy, all of which impact on relationships. That’s a fact. People may not like it but it’s a fact.

@Apple222 thank you for your input. It's early days with us and it's really chilled and relaxed and I'm happier than I ever thought I'd be with anyone. I just wonder whether he will be able to care for me the way I care for him, as he's very emotionally rigid so to speak whereas I'm very friendly, emotionally open etc.

@Eesha I think you might have to prepare yourself for the fact that he won’t / can’t change. I’d say that about anyone not just someone with ASD. What you are seeing is the way he is. He’s unlikely to become less rigid as time goes on. This thread is full of people who feel that their emotional needs are not being met by their partners.

So, don’t go into the relationship thinking that perhaps he will change. Perhaps recognise instead that this is him and if you want him to be more emotionally open, flexible and friendly it is unlikely to happen. Also you are currently experiencing a nice chilled place in your relationship which is great but I guess you don’t know how he might react to challengeS or stress? If I were you I’d want to see how he manages a whole range of situations before committing. Just go gently... and I would say that about any relationship, not just a relationship with someone with ASD.

@Apple222 thank you. I've dated someone similar before but you're right, I'm just thinking it's early days now and seeing how things go. One thing I note is he does like his own time to get his thoughts together so feels like he can just disappear/cut me off, plus there is an air of things being catastrophising (covid). But that could be anyone, not just someone with ASD.

@Eesha I can certainly relate to the ‘own time to get thoughts together’ as that is something my DH does regularly. That’s fine most of the time BUT there have been significant times when I have needed emotional or practical support from him and he hasn’t been ‘available’ or has cut me off. It can be really hard to forgive that because it comes across as being utterly selfish.

It is also not fine if you have children together as you have to be available whether you like it or not. We all want to be able to work as a team with our partners not have one disappear off when the going gets tough.

I’m pretty resilient but it really is dreadful when something major happens, you need your partner’s support and they distance themselves because they need time out. While it may be their coping mechanism for situations outside of their control it really doesn’t help the other person who is left to cope alone.

You have clearly got your head screwed on because you are noticing things and assessing whether you can cope with them or not. I wish you the world of luck whatever you decide to do but the best advice I can give you is to look after yourself first and foremost, do nice things for yourself and keep a network of friendships, interests and hobbies around you. 💐 for you.

@Apple222 i have children already and am very much a single parent. He would love children at some point but I've said it's not for me having done it alone from their birth. I am very self reliant and just thinking how it would work longer term. He's certainly the most interesting person I've ever met.

I think diagnosis and a willingness to modify behaviour are key. For those of who grew up in the 70s and 80s diagnosis for HFA was rare, it was also thought that the condition was restricted to boys and men. Without a timely diagnosis, support and willingness some very damaging behaviours can become entrenched (true for many many conditions). We all need to be able to say to the people in our lives "xyz is very hurtful, how can we overcome it". When that doesn't or can't happen, for whatever reason, then the relationship is on dodgy ground.

@Eesha Well, at least you know you can do everything yourself although when you are in a relationship you should expect support and teamwork otherwise there’s no point.

At least you are clear that you don’t want more children.

At the very least maybe you have made a good friend here if not a partner. Sounds like you have a lot to offer the right person. Just don’t compromise yourself.