Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

I think there is genuine bafflement as to why I or anyone else would do something differently to the way DW would. In our case this seems to have become the norm to the extent she is completely contra-suggestive, particularly where I am concerned.

Vivarium you say He hears it, even when I haven't said it.

DW has this weird double speak double think thing going on. She'll often interpret what I say as something completely different (but always to suit her agenda of the moment) even when I'm being really careful to be totally explicit.

I think it stems from not really "getting" what's being said throughout childhood etc. English is particularly crap language for this I expect.

Just popping back on this thread as it was so helpful to me last month.

Daftasabroom, I have the same communication problems with my boss sometimes. He'll repeat what I said for clarification but he's heard a completely different set of words. As though it reached his brain completely jumbled up. It hasn't happened often but was spooky and made me wonder if most of we say to him doesn't get through, just what he thinks is the general idea.

Also a colleague was trying to tell him she couldn't go to an event with him and he kept on behaving as though she was going, even though she'd told him many times that she wasn't. It's as though he couldn't bear for his plans to be changed.

Good luck to all of you, you are so brave!

Hello, posting on this thread for the first time. Has anyone here who thought partner had ASD or other similar condition managed to get help? I am struggling very much with partner, have a 1 year old and am 2 months pg. Am keeping it together but only just. Partner incapable of seeing anyone else's viewpoint, takes offence at the most minuscule things and sulks for days and weeks. Totally unable to see that he is the common denominator in all family arguments. I would love for him to get some help for his sake but mostly for mine right now. How to get someone who thinks everyone else is the problem to get help? Any success stories out there?

@HaoPengYou Sadly it is almost impossible to get someone to go for help (and actually engage in it) unless they have identified there is a problem themselves.

I would urge you to get support for yourself though. Build a network of support up for yourself. See if you can get some counselling for yourself from your local NHS talking therapies service if you are in the UK. Try to surround yourself with friends and family who can support you so you don’t always have to go to your partner for support. I know my DH can get very worn down by demands from other people to the point where he will become angry and resentful. He isn’t pouring from a full cup and of course lack of empathy is characteristic of the condition anyway. I have decided there is little point ‘expecting’ support from him (certainly not in the way I might want it) so I need to think where I can get support from in my wider network. If then, my DH does something positive or provides support, it is a bonus.

My DH only got help when things in his life unravelled to such an extent that he was at risk of losing his job. That was his wake up call. I’m not convinced that he sees himself as the issue; he tends to see the blame lying with other people - if they hadn’t said / done that then I wouldn’t have done this - it’s all rubbish of course because he has free will just like everyone else but perhaps it is just too difficult to take ownership of the mess.

So, a success story...not really. But don’t let that stop you from changing your response to it. Having friends or a counsellor you can offload to can make a difference. Get yourself stronger and better supported within your life and his reactions and responses will not impact on you as much. I know that can feel strange as we want to be able to rely on our partners for support but if it’s not there, create your own...do nice things for yourself, develop your own interests and activities inside and outside the home. Just look after yourself. In time he may get help but by then you will be feeling much stronger and in a better place generally. Put yourself first.

Thanks for the message. I think I expected the response. If it was easy to get someone to get help then he would have done so already. I am trying to prioritise myself at the moment but I'm struggling with not being able to tell people about my current pregnancy. I don't want to say anything until after the scan and screening tests. I'm not booked in for the scan until i'm almost 13 weeks so I'm going to see if this can be brought forward. Purely for my own mental health. I feel like I have zero support and it is so hard.

I’m so sorry you are feeling so unsupported @HaoPengYou . Sounds like this is the time you really need support and it’s just not there. Hence think about seeing a counsellor if you can as at least then you have someone you can confide in about your worries and fears at a time when you are bound to be feeling at your most vulnerable. I can totally understand why you would want to keep your pregnancy private until the scan but is there anyone at all you can trust? Any one person you can talk to? Otherwise it is terribly lonely for you.

It sounds from your post as though your partner has very limited insight into his own behaviour and the impact on you...have you tried talking to him about how you are feeling or is there just no understanding at all?

for you OP. I know it’s terribly hard.

@Apple222 I'm already seeing a counsellor. In the past I have questioned my own sanity as a result of how my husband behaves but I'm over that now. I know I haven't done anything wrong but I can't change the fact that my husband has been in a sulk and not talking to me for getting on for 2 weeks now. No amount of me going to a counsellor will change the situation unfortunately. I guess this is why I am wondering if/ how he can get help himself. In the past I have tried to tell him how his behaviour impacts me and others (mostly family but some friends too) but all he can focus on is the small thing that made him feel upset in the first place which always tends to be a misunderstanding or misinterpretation and no amount of explaining this to him will help him understand. He just sticks to his original feeling which is one of massive hurt and only a huge amount of profuse apology over several discussions will placate him. This isn't reasonable for anyone to live with as it is completely impossible to never upset him when everything he gets upset about is so innocuous. Sorry rant over now. It's so frustrating because when he's not like this he is a really lovely person. He's just stuck in a cycle of punishing people emotionally to excess when he gets hurt.

I get this @HaoPengYou. I could have written much of this. The hypersensitivity, inability to accept criticism or feedback, dwelling on past hurts and resentment , being so led by emotion and hurt that perspective and proportion goes out of the window. Indeed, willing to sacrifice important relationships in the name of expressing their hurt / anger and punishing those around them. It is unbearable to live with. You could be describing my DH.

This of course doesn’t help you. Not being spoken to for two weeks is shocking. It’s ridiculous. It’s child-like. You can’t put up with this.

Can you write to him? I’m never sure verbal communication always works well With my DH. It can escalate too quickly into an argument because he sees it as though we are opposing sides and I am his enemy to be shot down in flames. Perhaps writing to him could give him time and space to reflect on what you are saying and respond to you rather than react.

I’m sorry you are going through this

@Apple222 do you mind me asking if your DH is diagnosed?

@HaoPengYou Yes, he is. Feel free to PM me if it helps!

@Apple222 The hypersensitivity, inability to accept criticism or feedback, dwelling on past hurts and resentment , being so led by emotion and hurt that perspective and proportion goes out of the window. Indeed, willing to sacrifice important relationships in the name of expressing their hurt / anger and punishing those around them. It is unbearable to live with.

You have just described my wife. I have also on occasion tried to write letters. I was told I was deliberately insulting and trying to upset her.

DW is incredibly self absorbed, she spends s huge amount of time on herself, but has little self awareness, she cannot see what she could do to fit in better with those closest to her or the world in general. Consequently those closest have to excessively sacrifice and compromise, and she has to sacrifice and compromise because the world is never going to be the she thinks it should be. Is that farce or tragedy? Perhaps both..

@Daftasabroom I do empathise. I’m never sure whether those characteristics are due to the autism itself or due to years of dysfunctional interactions and relationships as a result of autism.

My DH is self-absorbed too but seems keen to help and nurture people who he sees as ‘weaker’ than him. Totally different reaction to people he sees as potentially stronger than him though...will become angry and resentful towards them. I think the people he sees as weaker make him feel strong and more valid...I’m sure that years of poor interactions doesn’t do much for one’s self-esteem. Like your DW, he struggles to fit in. Must be painful I’m sure (although they probably don’t actually see it unless something massive happens that brings it into focus). Like you say, for them the world isn’t as they think it should be. I know my DH reacts very negatively to events that are outside of his control, including other people’s reactions. He doesn’t seem to get that people are different, will react and respond to things in a whole range of ways and do random things. He wants to control the outcome of situations and, of course, can’t.

The only ‘solution’ I can think of is to be equally self-centred in return. I’m starting to schedule in things I want to do, for me, and telling DH what I’m doing so he can make arrangements around it. I’m not going to sacrifice my own needs. He has to start fitting around me.

Hugs to everyone struggling xxx

I am so tired after getting the kids back to school and dealing with everyone else's needs that I can't even find the energy to post properly. Need a holiday, no kids, no DH. Covid, I am tempted to shut myself in a room for a week with some ear plugs and do an online retreat to recover!

@Choconuttolata I think the thought of a silent retreat well away from everyone who currently drains you is a very appealing one indeed! I occasionally shut myself in a room for an hour with a book and tell everyone to leave me alone. My DH does it (frequently) so I feel quite justified in doing the same. Whatever he has with autism, I will also have without autism. It’s not easy because I am naturally more responsive to whatever needs doing. Once upon a time if the phone rang or doorbell rang or someone needed something it would always be me responding to it. Not any more. If that means the phone or doorbell doesn’t get answered so be it.

I hope you manage to carve out a little bit of time and space for yourself. Even an hour can make a world of difference. Look after yourself.

Thats a great article.

I've just read the 15 Tips. Every single one rang true.

1. I've often felt like the parent to a stroppy teenager.
2. For years I denied or didn't see the truth in front of me. This was very damaging.
3. I cannot remember how many times we have discussed a difficulty, come to a solution that involves both of us only to DW carry on as if nothing had been agreed.
4. I really don't know whether I can go along like this indefinitely.
5. Thank you for these threads.
6. Couples therapy, see 3 above.
7. Maybe we need to try this again.
8. Hahaha, personal finance is one DWs special interests. She once spent a week saving £30 off car insurance, but equally can squander money as if it was water. She only works part time, there is a perfect job locally that would be a great little top up but she refused point blank to apply. Then complains why we can't afford her dream holiday.
9. This I think is what I miss more than anything, how can any lifetime partnership work if you can't talk to each other, this is the intimacy I miss most. She doesn't even hear, let alone listen and forget understanding.

10. I'm here, it's pretty much all I have. 11. Credit where it's due the boys have very much been her special interest for the last 18 years. She's looked after their welfare if not always their well-being. I have had to step in with homework etc. but that's okay. 12. Passive aggressive. DW takes this to a whole other level. I could rant for a week. 13. Knowledge is power, I just don't always know what to do with it. The one thing this has helped with is reassurance that I AM NOT GOING MAD. If anyone is reading this and wondering I can only advise you do your research it will give the perspective you might need. 14. I drink too much, it's not good, I'm working on it. 15. We'll see once the kids are on their way.

daft so much resonated for me too.

the worst was the lack of any intimacy - not sexual, but mental and emotional, and the insane passive aggressiveness.

That list is so depressing.
Yes, the lack of emotional intimacy is huge for me. I feel very alone, knowing that he will never ever have my back.
I’m 65 now, what happens if I become ill? He’d make it all about him as usual.
I’m looking at divorce next year when I get my state pension.
I have 3 adult sons but have never talked to them about this.

I’d like to know more about the passive aggressive responses people get from their partners and ‘tantrums’ to see if this reflects my own experience too. Also whether people find their AS partners are lovely to other people or whether they are the same to everyone?

My DH manages to be the ‘nice guy’ to almost everyone else. He would never talk to anyone else the way he talks to me. Just this evening he told me how angry he was with me for ‘putting him down all the time and criticising him’. What he would see as a ‘put down’ I see as a simple request eg ‘Please could you remember to put XXX in the recycling bin not the main bin...’

I’m sorry @Bluebellforest1 Sounds really tough for you. As you say it is really difficult to think of the future isn’t it? My DH’s health is worse than mine so am hoping to outlive him to be honest. However I do have to ask myself that if I’m thinking like that now surely I should be divorcing him and not relying on his death...

@Apple222 thank you.
I waver between hoping he dies first and divorcing him. Next July I get my state pension so that’s my decision point.....his health is worse than mine too.

And yes to the passive aggressive response to everything. So bloody wearing.

@Bluebellforest1 💐 for you.

Can I ask what kind of passive aggressive response you receive? I’m trying to understand what that might look like in someone with AS?