Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

Responding to daft's post recognizing that his DW's combination of Aspergers and a lack of warmth and nurturing in her family of origin harm him and their children but also DW herself. But the problem of the walls she puts up against empathy and mutuality offered to her by daft seem to constitute a permanent disability that cannot be overcome. This particular problem interests me greatly the inability to come face to face with one's ASD mate in mutual openness and I hope that if this thread is not closed I might pursue the heartbreak of this problem with others here. All best wishes to daft and all the others here from whom I have learned so much in attempting to understand Aspergers, joining only recently but reading and benefitting for a half year. I need to say also how impressed I have been with the strength and compassion of all of you as you have faced up to the struggles you have had to endure and often have had to leave for your own sanity and the well-being of your children. You are wonders.

I pop in and out of this forum now and again. It’s usually when I feel quite low and attempt to make sense of my life. I don’t write a lot but your posts are of real comfort to me.

I relate so much to many of you and most days i just get by but today I am desperate, desperate for everything! Desperate to be understood, to feel cared for, to feel considered, to be noticed, to feel affection or even to be looked at! I feel absolutely invisible. Lockdown hasn’t helped as I’ve usually got my wonderful children to speak to and my grandchildren to keep me focused. Don’t get me wrong I have been speaking to them but I don’t want to drag them into our humiliating circumstances.

I am so sorry to drone on but you are the only ones who will understand this. I am exhausted, mentally drained, exasperated of explaining everything in relation to relationships eg care, compassion, consideration, empathy, how to listen, connect etc etc. If I explain how I feel, that I have unmet needs, he says he has to! Everything turns around to him. He is a complete narcissist! I have broke down today. I tried to explain that he needs to make conversation with people and not leave it all to me. He literally lost his shit calling me everything, saying I’m a clever * turning everything around. He called me evil. He has ignored me ever since and can now go on for days weeks possibly months like this. Don’t get me wrong I did retaliate but I was attempting to explain things for the millionth time.
My confidence has always been low but right now I feel like a worthless piece of crap tbh! I have completely lost my personality and I am an empty shell!
He kissed me on the forehead quickly earlier and said ‘stop it now’. That is his way of making up. He will talk to me about Mondane things now and I have to respond in a bright bubbly way as if I don’t he will ask me ‘what’s wrong with me’ regardless of what has gone on. I fulfill his needs to the detriment of my own and have done for 40 yrs. but today I am weak. I am a complete failure. All my strength has gone. I feel the loneliest person on the earth. I am so sorry to be so negative but I felt it would help if I wrote everything down and this seems the safest place to express my inner most feelings.
Thank you for taking the time to listen

Dh is doing everything right. He now does all the cooking, he's attentive, pulls his weight. I don't mind spending time with him. But I'm still miserable. I just don't love him any more.

This is so hard :(

You can leave, just because you want to, you know. You don't have to have his consent, or even tell him.

to friendlygal79, I think it's a miracle that you have survived with your DH for so long, no doubt because you wanted to maintain a home for your children and grandchildren. But there is limit to how long one can remain invisible and misunderstood in a relationship that is central to her entire adult history and current life. I realize the many difficulties that make leaving such a relationship seem impossible. But forbidding silence from your OH, alternating with expressed anger from him at your natural and necessary need for communication, is unendurable as you see and feel. I commend you for your efforts to shield your children from knowing how unhappy you are, but your unhappiness must be expressed to someone who can understand it and support you. This forum is excellent as an outlet and a supportive environment, but I think you need someone who can counsel you in person, a therapist who has knowledge of OTRS (Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Disorder). Is it possible for you to obtain such support without your husband's knowledge (since it sounds like he is abusive and might be triggered to further abuse by your seeking help for yourself)? Do take care to avoid confrontation with him, and take very good care of yourself.

@Catmaiden I know. I just feel like the worst person in the world for it

How are you doing, Friendlygal , Breathless and Simone?

I've told my DH that I need a break. I am tired of being ignored/empty promises and his really quite impressive gas lighting.

Nothing has changed, and, it is never going to change because he is unable/unwilling to change.

I have told him we are separating under the same roof - nothing can happen just now until lockdown eases (we're in Scotland).

Really, all this means is that we won't eat together, but, to be honest, that's a blessed relief because his brooding silence at mealtimes is awful. I think he'll manage better with the kids if I'm not there.

I feel sad, but, resolute. He will never be able to give me what I need because he does not need those things and does not care enough about our marriage to make those things a priority.

The thing that triggered this (which has been at least 10 years coming) was him refusing to share his "special" juice. He tried to fob me off with juice which he perceives as lesser. "why won't you share?" 'well, this (other) might be nicer" "but you won't share the one you know you like?" "I think this other one is even nicer" "but the one that you definantly like is all for you and I can't have any?" - round and round for 20 minutes. He eventually agreed that he was, indeed, gas lighting me, could see that he was being selfish, and apologised. Two hours later, he was denying that he refused to share his juice and was fobbing me off because I'm not worthy of his juice. FFS. Of all the things I have tolerated from him, this is small fry, but, it is a straw that broke a camel.

He can have all the juice he wants and I hope he enjoys it.

I have Asperger's im female the problem are the guys who act like dicks it's not Asperger's they are just tossers. Controlling misogynistic arseholes who have always had their cake and eaten it. Stop letting them. Don't get in a hot tub with them leave them

Abusive tossers nothing to do with Asperger's at all.

It is possible to be both a dick, tosser, controlling, misogynistic, arsehole and tosser and also have Asperger's, agree, Auridon.

My DH does not mean to behave in an abusive way, I am absolutely confident that he is not malicious and that his actions are not mean spirited.

He is quite unable to see things from my point of view. He is rigid in his thinking but it literally does not occur to him to include me in decision making.

He is not an abuser, but, his actions could be used in a divorce as examples of abuse.

His intention is irrelevant because the impact on me is brutal.

Yeah he's just a man who no one has ever said no to. He doesn't need to mask because everyone makes excuses for him. Stop making allowances for him and see what happens

I have, Auridon, I have told him we are separating and that he is to leave me alone for 4 weeks.

You are right about everyone making excuses for him. He has been allowed to indulge himself and to ignore everyone else his entire life. Including my me, I have been enabling his behaviours by viewing them as consequences of his brain wiring.

I have been co-dependent, definitely. I'm not now.

Good for you!!! It makes me soo freaking angry that men don't have to mask and be made allowances for. While teenage girls with Asperger's have it sooo freaking bad it's unreal. It's awful.

Fair point. Agree, girls with traits who mask suffer.

Our daughter has traits, and since a couple of chats about whether she wants to pursue a diagnosis plus being in lockdown and realising that there no need to mask at home, she is stimming in front of me.

It's quite confronting to see her do it, but, I reckon it's healthier than pretending she doesn't need to.

No idea if I'm helping her, of course. She seems happier.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria I totally get the “straw that broke the camel’s back”.
Our partners are supposed to be just that, partners, someone who has your back, someone who cares.
for you

I feel good. It's day 3, and so far, I'm liking this arrangement.

Trying to encourage/coerce/shame him into doing things for our marriage has been exhausting. I have just stopped, and it's really nice.

He eats with the kids and I can hear them laughing, it's SO much better than the silent scowling.

The problem is our dynamic, and once that is removed, it's much nicer!

I don't know what will come next, but, I'm definitely trialling this for a month. Then, hopefully, lockdown will be ended and he'll have had time to consider if this is what he really wants.

I am 80% sure I want to separate. Especially after finding an email I wrote him in 2014 with exactly the same suggestions as I was making him last week.

He's just not that into me

Glad I found you

Hi everyone!

Just checking in to say hi & see how everyone is! Looks like all the partners are still up to their old tricks!

Well it’s been 15 months since I left STBXH and it’s been a difficult year because naturally he has made everything as hard as possible and up until a few weeks ago was still utterly convinced I would return to him!

I have been a million times happier without him & he has had to step up as a father and finally get to know the children and spend time with them on his own.

We were due in Court in July but luckily he has now realised this is happening and we are close to an agreement on the finances.

So I can’t say it’s been easy, but I couldn’t carry on where I was as I was so unhappy. I need an emotional & physical connection which he would never be able to provide.

Huge love & luck to you all xxx

Moffa so good to hear from you, I think of you often, and great to hear that he’s finally “getting it”..
Same old same old here, I know I need to get out but just can’t seem to do it. Next year is my goal.........
Hope everyone else is ok x

Good luck Bluebell. It’s not easy but, in my case, it was worth it. I have been very lucky to have the support of my parents where I have lived with the kids for 15 months as well as having my own income. My friends have been wonderful too.

Once my divorce is finalised and I have my own home with the children I can hopefully work on building a workable friendship with my ex. He is much better as a friend than as a life partner. When I read all your messages on this thread it reminded me how life used to be and how unhappy it made me xx

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria He’s just not that into me I read this with a heavy heart because I could say exactly that and often feel exactly that. My DH, who received his diagnosis earlier this year, is absolutely charming and kind towards most other people. He talks about (some) people with such warmth and yet I rarely feel that he is as warm or positive about me. Quite the opposite in fact.

Reading the book ‘Aspergers in Love’ has made a lot of sense (some of it I could have written word for word) but also makes me worry about whether we can have a future as it all feels a bit hopeless and bleak. I’m not sure he can change. Maybe because he feels he ‘has’ me he doesn’t feel he needs to try and do anything for me (well, anything I would want anyway) whereas he is constantly trying to win others over and make them like him. His need to be liked is overwhelming. I think he feels he has lost that battle with me.

So I hear you and understand. However I don’t think he’s not that into you, I think instead that he knows he has blown it and doesn’t know what to do to address that in a constructive way. Knowing you have let someone down or disappointed someone is a very hard thing for anyone to come to terms with. Certainly my DH can’t cope with it at all and responds with anger, withdrawal and rage at the injustice of it all, blaming me rather than himself.

It is really tough. I hope you find peace.

Apple222 and vivariumvivariumsvivaria and all,
Yes. My h is usually charming to other people, and likes to think he’s a great host, and an altogether “good chap”, although conversely can also be very rude at times if he’s not in the mood. He seems to have a plan of how things are going to pan out, and if it doesn’t match his plan he sulks. A classic was when my S and DIL were here before Christmas and we were exchanging gifts - the present they gave him was a book that he’d bought me for Christmas. The atmosphere was palpable.

He’s very negative about me, because, as you say, he knows “he has me” and therefore doesn’t need to make an effort, he tries to bring me down all the time - it’s wearing and soul destroying.

@Bluebellforest1 I feel your pain. I really do. I bought a really thoughtful Christmas gift for my DH. He said he would have preferred the money and the fact I actually thought about the gift shows how little I understand him. Ungrateful to the last. So from now on we will agree an amount and I will put the money in a card... Saves me being thoughtful I guess!