Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

viv the kids situation is a huuuuuuge problem. He was that bad at nurturing that school forced an intervention. I -asked- for some help, because I know im not perfect. But he thinks he is, which is so far from the actual situation that the school got the local equivilent of social services involved and they see him regularly. It still is a giant problem, becuase 1) he thinks he's right 2) from what the kids say, he gives a false picture of the situation and 3) he cannot handle conflict at ALL and favours the child most like him over the other child considerably. It's heart breaking and there is -nothing- I can do :(

So so so many similarities.

Her behaviour is so uncompromising, so unyielding, so avoidant, so dismissive of anything that doesn't meet her rules we have nothing.

Somehow she manages to maintain a veneer that no-one else can see through, and what's really weird is that her view of herself is from that other side. Incredibly self absorbed but very little self awareness.

uh huh. The self awareness of my ex is .... 0. absolutely 0. Double standards? check. Avoidant? check. Completely unable to see other peoples' POVs? check. 100% unable to process others' emotions or his own? Check.

There is something really strange and different about the way he sees and then 'reads' a situation. And the lack of awareness of danger is frightening.

DH has agreed to consider that he might be on the spectrum. He's done this before, but, I think he has realised that I am on the cusp of leaving.

He says he's going to look at forums and do some reading to see why he finds relationships so hard.

We'll see. He's certainly making an effort - it's quite stilted and focused around doing a jigsaw together (?) but, I'm going with it.

It won't last. I give it four days.

I'm not sure its a solvable "problem". I don't have an ASD partner, but its in my family. IME, they do need some social interaction and contact, but not that much and its on their terms. I believe this is who they are deep down in their DNA, just like we are who we are. I'm not sure its fair (or possible) to try and get them to change their behaviour. IMO its most likely result is just more masking ...

Just to add, my thoughts are not meant to be "pointed" at anyone trying to adjust things. I am just struggling to see how anything can change really?

Perhaps a "date night" type thing could actually help re-connect, but at the end of the day isn't it a daily living thing?

In an ideal world I think it would be great if we could all behave as we felt but that isn't the way of things. It's probably a complement that the partners of AS get the real deal ALL the time, that we are a kind of safe space, but actually it can feel pretty shit. We are people too.

Yes I get very very tired of 25 plus years of being told how marvelous it is that DS trusts you so much that he can unmask at home and be himself
What about DD and I, and DH, wanting to be ourselves?
What about our rights to enjoy a peaceful home life?
DS is a functioning adult, who had a flat and a job (which he could have wfh, easily, in his flat) , who has chosen to return to the very rural family home that he has disrupted so many times in the past, and suddenly we are all expected to do what he says, run our lives according to his rigid, b and w thinking?

No. He didn't ask if he could come here, he just turned up. And now finds he cant work very well with our rather crap broadband

I think people are misunderstanding me. I’m not saying put up and shut up. More just this is how it is. And if it is driving you nuts, is it best to move on with your life without them, is all I’m asking? Everyone happier? You can’t make a leopard change it’s spots is what I’m thinking. Nowhere did I patronise or insult anyone by saying it’s good someone with ASD can “unmask” in your presence - far from it. Anyway I’ll bow out here. I don’t really want to be the focus of people’s anger and be misrepresented for things I never said.

There’s really no need to take your anger out on me for things I never said. Not in the spirit of this thread, v hurtful. I’m hiding this thread now.

I am dealing with the same painful crap, really horrible to have a go at me in this way. You don’t sound like nice people NT or not.

Hiding now.

OOps,I take back my last remark! probably my last comment was not the nicest thing to say either, I don't even know the posters. However, I was just trying to think of different ways of looking at the issue and different "solutions", such as they are. Was never suggesting people put up with their situation, and I'm not sure how that misunderstanding came about. Perhaps this thread is more about letting off steam with your particular situation, and that is where the mismatch is. I have done that earlier on the thread, but here I was just musing on different ways of looking at it to help the person with ASD and NT (I'm NT).

I'm still bowing out though now. I hope the thread continues with people supporting each other.

@Laland, my post wasn't aimed at you at all. It was a post, of how I felt about my situation. Please don't try to make it about you, I get more than enough of that, EVERYTHING dragged back to my DS, in my daily life. Not everything is about you.

@Laland same here, I wasn't having a dig at you. It's more that you touched on a theme that is not generally acknowledged too much.

DW currently berating our teenage boys for not having showed when she expected them to.

Showers

Has anyone found that getting a diagnosis as an adult was helpful?

As expected, my DH promised he'd look into AS after acknowledging that he had lots of traits. That was 2 weeks ago.

I wonder whether if he had a diagnosis we'd be able to access some mediation - all I really want now is acknowledgement that I have needs and wants too and that those need to be accommodated.

Like PP just said, I am tired that everything gets dragged back to what he wants and not what any of the rest of us need.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I found getting a diagnosis aged 36 really useful as it explained why I struggled with so many things that everyone else did instinctively. I'd run myself ragged trying to fulfill all of life's expectations and burn myself out, recover, then repeat the process again. Exdh ended our marriage soon after my diagnosis as we both realised that our needs would always be polar opposite and it would never work. That was very hard but ultimately the right thing to do. We are both now in LTR's with people more suited to us.

Ds was 11 when he received his diagnosis and if we don't talk him through difficult situations he tends to use it as an excuse to not do or try things he doesn't fancy doing. My dm is currently awaiting her assessment. She is like my ds in that she isn't willing to see things from anyone else's perspective and will probably use a diagnosis to justify not compromising with her nearest and dearest. Since dm started to suspect she was on the spectrum she has regressed her social skills. For example, if we go to a cafe she refuses to order and tries to make other people do it, even my older dsis with cerebral palsy and distinct speech impediments! She never had problems talking to serving staff previously and putting my dsis into such an anxiety laden situation is horribly selfish.

In short, how 'useful' a diagnosis is to someone and their family totally depends on how willing everyone involved is to be considerate of each other, their feelings and capabilities.

Thank you, Matt - that's my way of thinking. He could access resources to help him see my POV and that the kids and I have needs which are not negotiable, even if they conflict with his immediate need to do something irrelevant else.

I am angry with him just now. It's hard not to see hi as being selfish right to his very core.

I KNOW he doesn't mean to be hurtful, but, intention doesn't change the impact his neglect has on my and the kids. He CAN step up if he wants to, which is why I am angry with him - if he can do it because he thinks he's about to get divorced why can't he just bloody well do it?

The truth is there are no services or inputs for a man who excels in his work, has a family and is not disabled by his (probable) AS. The ONLY place it affects is our marriage.

I am so lonely, so starved of touch and affection - it is very difficult to tolerate when I get nothing back in return.

I think your point of using a diagnosis as an excuse or indulgence (as per your mother) is an important one. He certainly has that potential.

And, I, sadly, can see why your husband decided to end the marriage. Our own situation is probably similar. He just can't do the things that he promised me in our wedding vows, he can't love and cherish in a way that is meaningful for me.

It is very sad. He is a good man, and he is trying his best.

Our marriage ending was definitely the right thing to happen. We both tried for years to make it work, couples counselling, individual counselling etc. There was a lot of love and respect there most of the time and we cared about the needs of the other, even if they couldn't be met. However, I was usually the one to tie myself in knots compromising my own needs to meet his and the Dc's needs and it just burned me out, so at times I had to withdraw into myself to recuperate. This left him feeling emotionally rejected and eventually quite resentful, even though I explained clearly that it wasn't a reflection on how I felt abut him, I was just exhausted and needed time. Pre dc I had more energy for him and rarely withdrew. I never in a million years would have anticipated the enormous impact having dc would have on me, my mental health and the relationship. I just couldn't be a good wife and mother all the time because my resources were so limited. I couldn't withdraw from the dc, obviously, so he was the one who lost out.

All throughout I was aware that it wasn't what he signed up for and felt a huge sense of guilt and responsibility. Looking back I realise that I did my best and was always looking for ways to make it work, usually to my detriment. It doesn't sound like your dh is doing that. Whether autistic or NT, some people just aren't compatible.

That is very insightful, Matt.

He isn't doing anything to improve our lot. I have repeatedly stated what I need - a date night a month, 5 mins of conversation a day, physical touch that doesn't involve an erection once a day. He can't do it, he is always "just about to".

I understand that he is doing his best, that his resources are limited, that he will withdraw, and I can accept that - but, the acceptance and accommodation has to be reciprocal. I feel like I am a member of staff, he dumps me as soon as his attention is caught by something work related - and there is always something work related.

Essentially, I was hoodwinked into this marriage. He performed "dating" and it was wonderful, really wonderful. Then we married, and he stopped trying.

It's as if he wanted a wife, not me. He denies that, and is, of course, very hurt that I think that.

I'm hoping he'd maybe agree to an assessment, spend some time learning about why we think so differently, and then I can ride it out til the kids leave home and he retires so there are less demands on his day.

Which isn't exactly what I thought I was signing up for. But, it is what it is.

He isn't doing anything to improve our lot. I have repeatedly stated what I need - a date night a month, 5 mins of conversation a day, physical touch that doesn't involve an erection once a day. He can't do it, he is always "just about to".

Crikey! Is that all you're asking from him? He sounds lazy as hell! Sorry you're going through this. Personally I don't think it sounds like he's doing his best at all.

Yeah. I've whittled it down from unreasonable expectations like coming to parents night/hospital appointments/family events...

I try to convince myself he's doing his best. But, really, he's just not that into me!

I have challenged him on this - I've laid out my evidence that he doesn't give a shit, he says he does, and round we go.

Kids doing exams, terrible time to leave, maybe things will settle down once lockdown lifts. I suspect I have just done a very good job of sorting out my support networks - current situation is highlighting that he left me a long time ago. We just live together.

Oh well. I'm aiming for a clear conscience. I want to say to the kids "I tried" and mean it. Last thing is for him to get a diagnosis, I guess.

It's sad, but, I'm encouraged to see that you and your ex are happier now.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria I think you can safely say to yourself that your conscience is clear. Him, not so much. I hope everything works out for you, whatever you decide.