Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

I'll admit that I don't understand how the minds of people with autism work (or for that matter, lots of other peoples' minds too), but I'd say that there might be good and bad times as you separate. Taking the mental stance that it can be an opportunity sounds like a good thing though.

This thread can't be easy to read for you, since it's written by people who've struggled massively in relationships where both of them think so very, very differently. If it's a bit much, maybe there are other threads elsewhere or other forums which feel more understanding?

Checking in again, it’s hard to read my last post despite it having only been written a month ago. I feel the wheels are truly falling off our marriage and I’m currently trying to decide wether to suggest separation. I know once I do there will be no going back but I’m thinking about it a lot.

Hi all,

Just checking in to say hi to everyone in the thread! I know it’s so frustrating & tough for anyone who loves an ASD/HFA partner and I’m sending you all my support.

I left my undiagnosed ASD H 10 months ago. I’m still revelling in the relief of not living under such a strict & loveless routine. For me it has been a good decision. My children are thriving (ages 5 and 3) and I am so happy.

H and I are divorcing which has proved really tricky as he didn’t want to, but I think we will come out as friends eventually. I think he is a good person but just not for me to be married to. It’s funny though as he never had any involvement with the children While we were together and now he has them on Wednesday nights and some weekends. He has evolved a routine for when he has them, they go to the same play park, the same cafe and eat the same food every time they see him - I don’t mind as I think it’s probably good for them to know what’s coming but it does amuse me as it’s so typically him!

Anyway, hope everyone on here is coping xxx

hi moffa , great to hear you're doing so well!

when they say 'children thrive on routine" ...well yours are sure going to thrive aren't they? :D

Can I ask, how are you recovering in yourself? After 12 years stonewalling and often downright negating me, I'm finding it very, very hard to recover. I can't seem to feel 'heard' any more, even with friends. Also I've lost the ability to have a light touch (ouch) since he needed everything explaining in painful obviousness.

Like yours, mine is a decent and mostly good man, but not imo cut out to be a husband unless it was with someone who was almost the same as him and never made any emotional demands.

Hi Seaeaglefeather,

I think my recovery (after a decade) is a long, ongoing process of healing. I was lucky to get an NHS psychotherapy referral to a wonderful specialist who was very experienced in understanding ASD. I saw her for 6 months and she helped me to start understanding what had happened and helping me with my low self esteem.

Afterwards I did the Freedom Programme as there was abusive elements in my marriage (obviously not directly caused by ASD but I believe by his parents as sadly my exH had a very toxic childhood.)

And I’ve been journaling when I have thoughts I don’t understand or I need to process.

I think probably the end of any long relationship takes time to come to terms with so give yourself a break. I can identify with losing the ability to have a light touch. My mum told me I had become ‘waspish and impatient’ before I left him. I hope I’m not like that now!

Give yourself time, you will get there x

Hi All, checking in, I hope you're all well.

We actually had the best Christmas since our first! No meltdowns, house all together, me cooking without interference, or even much "advice".

Sadly all slipping back to (ab) normal and a life of avoidance and make believe.

Wishing you all well.

D.

Hey @Moffa and others. I've been on these threads for at least a year, but I've name changed (DH was found my username).

A year on, I've said I wanted to split up, we've done counselling and things did get better, he made a lot of effort. But it feels like we are almost back where we were. Not quite, he isn't as awful to me. But there are moments when he tired or stressed.

Ach, I just don't think I love him, not like that. Not sure I ever did. So I've started researching leaving again. But he will be heartbroken, and I feel selfish for tearing the kids family apart. Because it's not awful. But the thought of spending the next 20 years with him fills me with dread.

Hey everyone just checking in to see how we are all doing in lockdown. Hope you are all coping ok with the challenges that it brings.

At the moment here my children seem to be coping better with it than the adults in this house. Covid 19 has sent DH's health related anxiety through the roof and I am working on the frontline so tired and stressed is the norm. Although weirdly work can be respite from DH's endless need for reassurance which I can find quite stifling at times.

Hi 123 and all.
Struggling here a bit, my adult sons live 150 miles away and I miss them, my husband doesn’t understand why, as he doesn’t miss his adult kids at all!
We’re both retired, but I hadn’t realised how much all my lovely little escapes with friends have shored me up and kept me relatively sane, until now they have stopped for the time being.

He is finding more rituals and control to calm his anxiety - and increase mine! He’s also drinking a lot more than his usual “way over the limit” amount, and his behaviour is deteriorating accordingly.

Not a good time really. Hope everyone else is doing better.

Struggling with DS being back here, who had to be retrieved from Uni before lockdown. She was in our separate annexe flat, isolating, for weeks, and is only now back in the main house. Her routine is upside down, and her PDA autism mean the "rules" for lockdown are very hard for her to follow. Lots of meltdowns happening. Lots of verbal abuse.

Grr. He, not she

Catmaiden that must be so difficult.

I read this thread from time to time. Not a partner, but ASD in my family. And I am beginning to recognise how much pain and anguish this has caused me, as a NeuroTypical.

I came across the website below recently, with lots of testimonials from NTs. Though the testimonials are not an easy read, and very often sad, I nevertheless found it also 'affirming' and illuminating of some my own experience.

www.theneurotypical.com/testimonials.php

Hi Bluebell hope you can find ways to get your own space away either in the house or walking to give you some respite. I find small personal care activities like doing a long bath with a face mask can make me feel good.

Catmaiden that sounds so hard, if you need to vent we are here.

As a neurotypical partner married to a man with ASD with both ASD and neurotypical children this is something I am very aware of SeaSas and I try to spend time out of the house with my NT child so that both her and my need for different social activities is met in some way as quite often we have to adapt our activity to work around the three ASD individuals in this house. Feel free to talk about it if it helps.

Love and strength to all xx

Thanks 123,
I’m lucky in that I have a craft room/ office upstairs, also a summerhouse, and I get out with the dog every day for a long walk.
It’s the lack of human contact that I find hard.

I'm quite poorly at the moment, DH is (I suspect) atypical as well, although hes very high functioning and social , if so. He's good to live with, mostly.

DS coming back is a nightmare, if im honest. DD (also adult, NT) and I are doing a lot of hiding away in other rooms or long walks or working outside. Thank god we have a fair amount of our own land (small farm) and lots of outside jobs to get on with.

Catmaiden yes, having a bit of land/ space makes a lot of difference.
I get what you say about DS coming home being difficult, my eldest DS, now 37, (not diagnosed AS but hard work and difficult) left home at 19 and came back briefly at 28. He lasted a week before I sent him to his Dad. He was unbearable.
for you

My H is undiagnosed - but, this thread has me nodding along and feeling quite emotional because so much of it is very familiar.

Lockdown was better, initially, because his stress reduced - going to his office means mixing with people that he's never very sure of who is who, etc - once he sorted WFH he seemed to relax.

However, it has shown me that I will never matter to him enough to be prioritised. We are together 24 hours a day and I still don't get touch or attention. No laughter, no planning, no joy.

I am very sad, I have tried hard to make this marriage work by accommodating his endless quirks. It's not reciprocated, and so I think I am planning to leave.

He's a good man, but, he should never have married me. He is unable to fulfil his marriage vows, to my mind "love and cherish" matter just as much as fidelity.

It is very sad.

Sympathies for those living with extra stresses during lockdown.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria How I identify with your post

I've only been on MN for a couple of weeks, originally created an account to check out the home threads (decorating, housekeeping and such) and have been reading some of the posts there, but I've just seen this support thread. The original poster mentioned a 'safe place' - can anyone link me? I'd like to read about the experiences others have had and seek some advice, too.

I believe my husband has Aspergers, though undiagnosed - last year I confided to my GP some of what's been happening in my marriage and how hard I'm finding things and she was very kind and heard me out and then said she suspected that he might have AS. I didn't know what it was, but I've been reading about it and I am convinced he does have this condition but appreciate that not all of his attitude and behaviour can be attributed just to AS. After years of difficulties and heartache, I've wanted to leave before but for several reasons couldn't and I don't know if its the lockdown or what but everything seems much, much worse. His behaviour over the weekend and up to now has been appalling.

welcome deadheart. I think the OP meant that this was meant to be a safe space, though since it's a public thread at times it's not as quite as free a safety valve as desired.

My ex-H and I separated last year after 12 years. I've some longstanding MH issues of my own but have to say that mentally I'm a sad shadow of the healthy me. Tried very hard to stay together for the children - I wanted that stability for them so much - but it was in the end it was not possible to stay together. Getting out from such a difficult relationship means there is the possibility of fresh air and healing some time in the future.

My ex, I'm certain he has some degree of autism but he also turns out to held onto over well over 200,000 euros, which is nothing to do with autism and everything to with being a convincing piece of shit.

I hope that you can keep going day by day. If you do want to leave, I really hope that you can manage it. It's never plain sailing is it.

Checking in.

DW seems to be almost in a state of bliss. Very low expectations in terms of work, some nice new rules to follow, kids and me all at home so no expectations re clothes washing, me taking up chores when trusted to do so etc, etc. Basically can live her life at her pace to her rules. Zero deadlines and expectations so the PDA doesn't become an issue.

I think this is the future I have always expected, I just don't know whether it's enough.

I just don't know whether it's enough.

Yip.

I read the relationships board sometimes and leave it feeling chastised. I know that my marriage is not enough, and yet, I stay, hoping for change - there are so many who have been able to prioritise their wellbeing and leave.

I feel a sad shadow of myself, too, Feather, that is a very good description. I hope you find your sunshine soon.

The only solution to living with someone who cannot see is to leave.

I told mine 2 days ago that he should look into a diagnosis and AA. He said he'd talk about it that night - 2 days ago. Perhaps if he does both those we'll limp along for another few years, but, really, I am not able to tolerate not mattering to my spouse. "But, you DO matter!" he says "there is no evidence of that" I reply. And round and round the conversation we go.

The truth is, I am angry with him for breaking his marriage vows, and devastated that I don't matter to him.

The opposite of love is indifference, which is how he behaves towards me. I am useful, I am domestically and administratively useful to him.

I am not indifferent to him, but, when I recognised that I can see upsides to being widowed I realise that the marriage is dead. Isn't that awful? I am nice person, imagine looking at a person and asking "would I be sad if you sponateously, and painlessly, just died?"

I was at that point for quite a few years too viva. It's a bloody uncomfortable realisation isn't it.

Yes, it's very challenging. I would not wish him harm, far from it, which means, I think, that I still love him if through gritted teeth

It's that which makes me think I need to leave. He deserves to be with someone who actually cares for him - I'm not sure I'd go out of my way to e.g. push him from the path of an out of control bus. I woulnd't push him INTO the path of a bus, though.

Really, it was a realisation that I have lost hope. Even if he steps up now - why did he choose not to for the last 15 years?

We have teenage kids, I can't afford the mortgage alone - and, realistically, I won't be free of him through divorce. I'd still be fixing the effects of his neglect on the kids (and me), making up for his lacks - only there would be a whole lot more issues needing sorted. I feel a bit like "better the shitty situation you know" just now.

It's not a long term fix, though. Think after the kids have done their exams I'm away.

DW seems to be almost in a state of bliss. Very low expectations in terms of work, some nice new rules to follow, kids and me all at home so no expectations re clothes washing, me taking up chores when trusted to do so etc, etc. Basically can live her life at her pace to her rules. Zero deadlines and expectations so the PDA doesn't become an issue

Daft - Thank you for your v. insightful description. My experience of living with someone with PDA too.