Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

Hmm yes, mine is quite proud of how he is. He thinks he is loveably eccentric. I have said I think he has aspergers and he thinks it’s a huge joke. He doesn’t realise or care how it is for me.

Thanks Moffa, glad it's not just me, no, she wasn't asd trained, also a bit useless as said we needed no more therapy after 2 sessions! I will try to find another counsellor as it's that or divorce at the moment as he does not listen to anything, 5 days out of 7 volunteering this week, I did try to explain dc need his time but it's like it goes over his head.

My 'D' H also seems to love how he is awkward, stubborn and insensitive. He's undiagnosed but i suspect Aspergers. He even admitted once he thought it too but now dismiss he even said that. He also seems to play dumb by saying he doesnt know how to get to x/y/z place when he has lived in the same small town for 40+ years. Mothers day I told him i would like a gift (half jokey, half serious) to which he replied 'do people buy mothers day gifts'? HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW THAT PEOPLE BUY FLOWERS ON MOTHERS DAY !!!
He also expects me to do all his thinking for him - where is my top, where is my belt, where are the tea towels (in the tea towel drawer we have had for years but he claims he never knew we had a drawer for tea towels).

Anyone else's DH act like this ? please tell me i am not alone.

I could go on and type forever about him !

Big shout out to all us partners who have to suffer with an ASD partner - diagnosed or undiagnosed - its bloody hard going and lonely.

Yes Peach! Information just never ever appears to sink in with them. Mine doesn't know where anything lives either... and his stuff seems to live nowhere as he places stuff all over the place...a complete scatterbrain.

I'm interested to know if any of your "D" Hs also have physical symptoms? This occured to me yesterday and after a quick google, I think mine may have physical symptoms too.
-slumped posture
-can not sit with his legs crossed

• constant tapping, fidgeting, leg shaking if he's asked to have a conversation.

-seems to have very poor muscle tone from appearance. -stands in the same position- hands behind back slumped forward

• very loud voice- whispers loudly

-crashes around and doesn't even realise it

Anyone experienced anything similar?

Hollalula yes to plenty of the above. My H (who I’m not currently living with) has plenty of the above except the muscle tone (but he works in a very physical job). He stomps around and is so heavy footed. Once we had DC this really bugged me as him stomping up the stairs would wake them up.

We are currently seeking a private adult diagnosis. We have done the pre assessment & he is WELL within the ASD threshold on that to pursue a diagnosis. That alone is validating for me as his behaviour has severely affected my own mental health. He scored so low on empathy - no wonder I’m sad!

A diagnosis cannot help our relationship as it’s too far gone for me (even my therapist agrees) but I’m hoping it may give him some insight into his own behaviour (and temper) and will help with his relationship with the DC and others.

I also hope for both of us he gets a conclusive HFA diagnosis as otherwise I have experienced ongoing domestic abuse and that is not the man I believe he is. He has lots of excellent qualities but being a good husband and father are not among them.

To all of you living with, working on or leaving your ASD partners - my heart is with you all 💛

@Peachsnowpop I've never bought a mother's day gift for my own mum (who I have a great relationship with) and didn't realise people bought anniversary cards for other people, like parents until I was well into adulthood. Some of that will be possible ASD and some is how you are raised.

My H always buys cards. Even valentines day, which I have never done. I used to think it was bonkers that he would treat me the way he did and then buy some flowers and a card! I used to say, I'd much rather you helped with the kids/would go on holiday etc than buy a pointless card and some flowers that will die. But I don't really do cards!

H is maintaining his behaviour, so maybe it isn't too late for us. I think I come to it as the parent of a child with ASD, and although it is very hard sometimes, and I don't always hold it together, I know that her behaviour towards me comes from a place of anxiety.

The pending assessment (he is half way through) and counselling and me saying I would leave, has meant he is now talking to me more about his anxieties, so he isn't internalising them, or taking them out on me.

I used to think H was proud of his behaviour, saying odd things, etc. But actually it was a coping mechanism, to own the behaviour that he knew wasn't quite right, but not know why.

I'm quite loud and opinionated, often getting overly involved in conversations. I often describe myself as gobby, because I know that's how other people see me and its easier to own that, even though I don't like it about myself.

hollalula
Yes my DH is very fidgety and has facial tics as well. we sleep in separate beds as he threshes around in bed all night. I read somewhere that is a trait. Yes to crashing about - if we have visiting babies he has to be reminded EACH TIME they go down to sleep - don’t slam the door, don’t blow your nose loudly, don’t talk right next to the door and EACH TIME he gets sniffy, because “I’m nagging”.
During mealtimes the clatter of his cutlery while eating is so loud I’ve been tempted to get him plastic plates!

Yes to not knowing where things are. You’d think we’d moved in yesterday.

He talks all through anything we might be watching on TV and then wonders why he doesn’t know what’s going on.

Time keeping very poor - always late for everything but furious if he’s kept waiting.

Like a great big kid.

This article isn't about ASD relationships, but is about the spectrum of autism and about why talking about HFA isn't accurate or helpful.

I absolutely know how hard it can be married to someone with ASD, how similar it is to domestic abuse. However I am also the mother of someone with ASD, who is likely seen as HFA by the outside world. She's probably also seen as a little brat. But she's actually a ball of anxiety, often suicidal and when I can try and remember that I find living with her much easier.

I don't know what the future hold for my H and me. But I do know that things have got significantly easier once we've started to communicate about how I feel, how he feels, his anxiety, my feeling of neglect.

theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/spectrum/

I know I'm often triggered by something relatively minor my DH does, when actually it's been caused by the ongoing appaling behaviour of DD, on a daily basis. She is diagnosed, so in theory can't help it (although tbh I'm not convinced of that)
Basically I live in a state of constant high alert.

@intents - I think communication is so key. Sadly my H would never listen to me. He wasn’t really interested.

We both filled in the pre-assessment questionnaires this weekend then met to go through them and discuss our answers. I scored him 2/80 and he scored himself 21/80. Any score below 30 on this particular questionnaire means Suspected ASD and leads to further assessments.

H only wants to proceed on the basis I’ll give him another chance. I think it is too late. He makes me feel very stressed when I see him because he is so convinced he is ‘right & reasonable’.

He suggested we have a night away together. I think he thinks if he can get me in to bed all will be fine. I’m so far away from that but he can’t see it!

Hope everyone is ok xxx

My DH strives to be better I think. He says he wants to support me but when it comes down to it he just can't.

This weekend everything has got on top of me. I want to run away. I want to hide, escape and be free. I can't focus and I have no energy. I tried talking to him about it but he immediately got defensive so I've withdrawn. He knows 'something is up' and thinks playing with the kids and doing some cleaning will resolve things and fill this gap between us.

The emotional loneliness is destroying me. Because my son also had diagnosis of ASD it feels like leaving isn't an option. I don't know if I want it to be. All the things that first attracted me to him are the things that drive me the most berserk now!

@turtlelizards sending 💛 it is so hard! My H also thinks he can show how much he cares by unloading the dishwasher!

Have you had some counselling? You sound like you need some help with the emotional loneliness.

The Different Together website is good x

@Moffa

Do you think counselling alone would be more beneficial? I need something or someone for that emotional support.

Will check out the website. Thanks

I have a counsellor for emotional support and have done for the majority of my relationship with DH. Well worth seeking out if you can.

"Right" and "reasonable" are words ny suspected ASD partner uses a lot too. And he calls me "unreasonable" a lot if my needs aren't in line with how he sees the world. It's soul destroying.

Mine also does practical jobs when I'm struggling emotionally to make me feel better. Then when I say I need some support and connection from him, he'll say "but I wiped the bathroom tiles!" Or "I vacummed all through the house, what more do you want from me?!"
😭
Sending hugs to all those with similar struggles. Keep reaching out. We have to save our sanity some way.

These posts are so much like my experience with my husband. Its heartbreaking seeing so many of us lonely and parenting husbands like this.

Mine is doing a hard outdoor job (which will mostly benefit me) , while ignoring my weeping sadness and me telling him how lonely I feel and how I'd rather he spent some of that time with me.

It is heartbreaking but it's also amazingly comforting and reassuring to know there are people who understand and 'get it'.

Reading @Hollalula's last post resonated with me so strongly that even in its sadness it felt supportive and less lonely/isolating.

I'm really glad I found this thread.

for everyone.

Weirdly practical things are one of things we've discussed in counselling that I want as a way of expressing love. I mean I wanted hugs as well (he's all over me at the moment) but said that it isn't just about cards and hugs or things he doesn't ming doing.

I said doing stuff he knows I've mentioned, like putting bloody rubbish in the bin, doing bedtime (which we both hate), putting himself out for me is important too. But my mum is very practical person and that's how I was brought up

The other stuff is important too, it's a whole package isn't it?

Yes intents it is. I dont think my dh is anywhere near as bad as many others on this thread. But I still can't be with him without feeling frustrated annoyed and sad. Woukd I feel like this with any dh after 25 years though? Really Not sure which way is up tonight. My dcs are so sad he's not living with them any more.

colouring. Would i feel like this with any DH after 25 years?
Yes I often wonder that! And people I know who have left their DHs certainly don’t have a perfect life. Neither do the ones that stayed. I only know of one long term couple who seem very happy together and that’s because they have lots of interests in common and the DH is very emotionally tuned in. He’s not a Brit, so I wonder if that makes a difference! Perhaps it’s a case of having to lower one’s expectations.

Yes, I know very few couples who would say they are happy. They're in the minority... But I do know that I don't miss him and that's pretty telling...

I don’t miss mine either!

Feel guilty about that. But I’m FREE! I feel like ‘myself’, like I’m getting the old me back. I’m sleeping better. Laughing. Chatting to friends. No anxiety.

I don’t know what my future holds, and I’m ok with that!