Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

One of the only reasons I'm still with DH is to help with our young DCs during the night as they wake several times. I miss him when he's not here to help out, but other than that...
How old were your DCs when you finally got to break free?

Mine were 8 and 11... should have done it sooner though. Totally get why you'd want the night help.

Mine are 4 and 2. I did all the nights anyway!

Mine are 6 and 9, I did all the nights too, even when I had a broken leg! My 6 yr old still wakes in the night as she has ASD and he is now taking a turn in that. But if you did 50/50 custody you'd have some nights without wake ups.

I am so utterly torn. Things are still going really well, we are communicating, he is affectionate (sometimes too much!). Seemingly everything is working. I just still worry and wonder whether this can last or even if I still love him.

@intents I wonder that too. He asks me if I love him and I say I do but I’m not sure I do. I love our children more than anything and they are part of us so maybe I’ll always have love for him.

I’m finding him so intense at the moment. He is heading for a formal diagnosis but he seems to think that alone will won me back. He tells me he is heart broken but he doesn’t look or behave like someone heart broken. To be honest it is exhausting and I dread seeing him.

I don’t want to hurt him but I want a divorce. It’s going to get messy

I don't love OH any more. His mental health crises and the trauma from those, the death by a thousand lack of reactions/responses and the telling me I'm the mentally ill/over-reacting/neurotic one I believe has killed our marriage. I feel sorry for him, but I don't want to be in the same room as him. I am frequently now for the sake of my dcs who have really been through the mill.

I do love DW, just not the way l should, or want to.

I don’t love H in the way I should.
Our relationship is like housemates.
Like colouringin I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to hurt him, but yes, it’s a slow death by a thousand bad responses.
I’m off on holiday with a friend tomorrow, I won’t miss him.

daft and bluebell this is exactly it. My husband is a housemate, someone who co-parents (when he is not thinking about work as he cant multitask).
turtle you posted a while back about emotional affairs. I can see the appeal. Just someone who might care about you, know about you, put you first and be interested in you.

I think I'm surrounded by aspergers.
DH
2 friends
His mother
His Aunt
Why have I surrounded myself qith aspergers? It is not surprising I feel lonely and misunderstood. I am quite certain that my father is autistic too- I am guessing my selections stem from his behaviour being my "norm." Ive certainly always been drawn to "characters."

@hollalula it’s strange isn’t it. I think my dad has certain traits/quirks too, but he can emote and is loving and tactile.

I saw a friend yesterday (she is a clinical psychologist specialising in children with autism) and she told me to read up on this woman who has written books about the autistic brain (and she has single handedly changed the face of cattle farming in the US). Do for those who may be interested:

www.templegrandin.com

There are also some interesting bits of information, for example how giving children folic acid could help improve speech delays. Sadly nothing about relationships specifically- except to say it was notable that the people encountered all had problems within their marriages/relationships. She decided to be celibate instead!

My dd and my dh are very tactile and can be very emotive. It's the communication part which is difficult for them.

Autism traits are human traits, I am wary of self diagnosing large numbers of people. My ds doesn't like change much, or loud noises. But he doesn't have ASD. For my dd her traits are debilitating.

My dad is an introvert, who doesn't like change etc. But he wouldn't meet the threshold for diagnosis as he isn't autistic.

Thankyou for the link. Its interesting to read, particularly as my eldest child is exhibiting mild signs of aspergers. As a professional who sees children from all kinds of spectrums on a day to day basis, I'm reluctant to put her through any sort of testing to acquire a label. Luckily, because I work with children on the spectrum, I understand her and can hopefully help her with her behaviours and anxieties prior to her becoming an adult. These are skills DHs parents never taught him, so I'm lumbered with trying to help his behaviours too (for now).

There is no such thing as "mild" autism. Usually it means the autistic person is better at masking, often at the expense of their own mental health. My daughter us "high functioning" (I hate that term). She talks, makes eye contact, can socialise. But her autism is also debilitating to her, because of how hard it makes everything. There is nothing mild about her autism.

The assessment process wasn't stressful for my dd. It also isn't a label, it's a diagnosis. No one stops their child being tested for diabetes in case they are labelled diabetic. That attitude cam be really damaging. Diagnosis has done nothing but help my dd. We can access support, we can communicate with school in getting her the help she needs. And she understands why her brain doesn't work the same as others.

My dh is very damaged by the fact that he has always got things a bit wrong, broken relationships, friendships. He's suffered anxiety his whole adult life and been on medication. Because he's blamed himself. Now he knows why that is a relief and the start of understanding himself.

I have bipolar disorder and can only say my diagnosis was also a massive relief. That it wasn't just me, there was a reason.

If someone has autism (or any other medical condition) there is only positive to be gained from diagnosis.

Hello
I have been married over 30 years to a man with ASD. Been such a rollercoaster of emotions the whole time I've known him but something keeps us together. DH diagnosed 8 1/2 years ago and then our eldest followed suit a year after that. I don't know where to begin, to talk about things that I've had to deal with but I would say that as he's got older it is affecting him much more.
As a couple we have had to cope with problems out of the realms of most marriages, so I would have thought that DH having Asperger's as well must have magnified his problems 10 fold.
Our eldest son also has Aspergers and has been immensely difficult to handle due to added illnesses as well. Our youngest DS has also had medical issues and has some traits of ASD.
My life was turned upside down once I married really, although in hindsight there were problems before we married. He had been married before but couldn't tell me why it failed.. His ex had initiated proceedings citing unreasonable behaviour but he never understood.
I could honestly write a book of my life (I might actually do that.. It would be good therapy)! He knows about my thoughts on this and is happy for me to do it if it helps others out there, as long as neither of us is named .
Our problems now have been helped somewhat by the diagnosis, although that wasn't without its issues. Long waiting times so we had to pay.. then many private sessions followed. At least it was a much more positive outcome than the episodes of Relate with a woman who was clearly against men in general. Never to be repeated..
We do still have and always will have many difficulties. With my DH, I can dip into his hobbies (sport) but he can't with mine. Social and emotional issues, leaves me to run the house, finance and bills, paperwork, appts, his and my family. Seems to have had no connection to his parents, although I would say from knowing them that one or both of them are possibly on the spectrum. Also my Mum also has her own psychological issues so it's like he repels. He struggles so much to filter out other conversations around him in rooms where it's busy, queues in traffic whilst he's driving give him meltdowns, and life out of the ordinary routines cause pandemonium. On the other side of the coin, he's kind and caring, does practical jobs like following complicated instructions on putting things together we've bought, has an eye for packing things into spaces I don't think are even possible, he's so alert to his surroundings and knows where to find things I think are lost etc (such attention to detail), finishes off my sentences, attentive.
I feel torn in two with different emotions. One day I want to leave him then the next I don't know why I was even thinking it. I've tried writing down the for and against situations and my head clearly struggles. Sometimes I wish I could find out what being in a relationship with an NT is actually like and to experience that. On the other hand I know that many friends of mine (my DH doesn't have friends just team mates in sport that he plays with) have divorced when both are NT's so they've been unhappy. I guess we must have some chemistry here - that's what I'm holding on to and trying to make the most of the marriage vows we've signed up to follow. The grass isn't always greener...

Hi @johk88, gosh you’ve had so much to deal with

I read the bit about one day you want to leave and the next you don’t know why you were thinking it and I think for me that is what drove me to depression/MH issues. I’ve read about it since and understand it for what it was/is. In terms of the grass isn’t always greener, I think it depends what you want? For me, living alone with my DC means the grass is greener for me.

That’s not to say it isn’t hard. My H has gone full circle so on top of his usual great attributes (loyalty, honesty, hard working, practical etc) he has ramped up the loving & emotive side and is now devoting Sunday to family time/time with kids. I just don’t think he can change. Currently going through the process of getting a diagnosis.

Anyway, my hat goes off to you for getting through 30 years, especially with the additional difficulties of children with ASD too. You must be a totally incredible woman so give yourself huge credit and make sure you look after yourself as well as everyone else in your family.

I think you should write the book! The only book around about a personal experience is ‘Broken’ and while I could totally identify with lots of it, it is poorly written (no grammatical structure etc) and does not offer a balanced perspective or any of the positive traits of ASD. My H asked to read it and I told him not to as I don’t think it would be helpful (I did refer him to the Karin Friedman article, the Different Together website and the Neurotypical website so he could try and see how I felt.)

Hope everyone had a good weekend xx

I disagree @intentsandporpoises.
A diagnosis unfortunately can be debilitating in itself.

Definitely hats off for 30 years.
I hope you do plenty for yourself and have friends to lean on for emotional support x

@Perfectomonday how is it debilitating? Genuinely interested.

It can be hard emotionally, definitely. I struggle knowing that I will never be able to do certain things.

With a diagnosis you are far more likely to be protected under the Equality act, be able to ask for reasonable adjustments at work, access support at school, access counselling/therapy through NHS autism services.

In Temple Grandin’s book she says it is only worth seeking a diagnosis if you want to access support services so lots of adults don’t.

It makes sense to me. My H is seeking his diagnosis based on the fact he will then seek counselling with someone specialising in ASD. Obviously I also hope it will make him more knowledgeable about his own behaviour.

As an aside he asked me to read his questionnaire - if they don’t think he has Aspergers based on his answers I don’t know what more evidence they could get!

Hope you’re all good. I’m off on holiday with the DC on my own next week. I don’t know why but I’m feeling really sad about it. X

We're separated but I need to get more space. My *&%$ of an ex is seriously bad for my health. Yes I've had some g and ts tonight. Because of how he affects me. But my kids are v vulnerable and I have to maintain a good relationship with him. But also they don't want to go to his place so I hardly ever get a break (which is v hard with ASD dd).

I asked him why he thought they didn't want to be at his place. He said "Because it doesn't feel like home and because they miss you". I wonder if they're registering, maybe even subconsciously, the lack of emotional understanding, connection, empathy which has caused me to have to end our relationship. But I need respite.

Moffa holidays are particularly hard. It highlights that our hopes for our children, and family life, have not been realised. But, I've had very positive breaks away, just me and the kids, and I'm sure from all you've said on here, that you can too x

Thanks @colouringinpro I think the holiday will be fine even though I feel sad that we should be going as a family. I’m also nervous about managing all the luggage, buggy & 2DC through the airport on my own!

I don’t think my DC will want to stay with H in future either. He can only maintain his patience for an hour or two! X

I get the "no such thing as mild" sentiment, but it is inescapable that some individuals have much less severe difficulties in some traits. Mild is the right term to use in these circumstances. I much prefer the radar diagram way of visualisation.