Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

DH is going through NHS assessment at the moment. In our area you can self refer to a specialist service for adults. Our dd was diagnosed privately by the Lorna Wing Centre, because in our area there is a 4 years wait with CAMHS. It cost us £3000.

moffa
That’s why threads like this help. You can talk to people who really do understand, who have felt exactly the same. It’s life changing.

Moffa i feel exactly the same re my husband who Im separated from. Nobody, apart from one friend gets it. She talks about his gaslighting etc. When I try to explain it to others they don't get it. I get lots of "all men are like that" but it's beyond a general male thing. I wonder if my kids will ever understand (I pray they forgive me).

I totally agree re living in an emotionless state. It was killing me. Ex is clueless. We had been thinking about doing some relationship counselling bit ds became ill. He asked at the weekend if we would ever. He wants to. Why on earth woukd i want to get back together with him???? He's not a partner. I'm the adult and parent in the family. He contributes very little (apart from loving the kids which I do really value). But if I asked him why I would want to get back together i think he'd be shocked.

Maybe he thinks cos we do work together ok re ds and asd dd and are practical and pragmatic, we should be together. But like you say, with no emotional life it is literally soul-destroying.

@colouringinpro yes you’ve got it.

I’m just biding my time before I tell him it’s permanent so he gets used to this new ‘normality’

My therapist has been so amazing - she’s really helping me through this.

Hope everyone is ok x

My DH was diagnosed a few weeks back. Although we've suspected it since DS1 was diagnosed a few years back. His consultant called us in together to give the diagnosis because she's worried about how much of his ability to manage day to day life is because I carry him socially, emotionally and practically. She was worried about who was supporting me. And the fact is nobody is. And today I just need a hug and he can't. And even when I tell him that's what I need he tells me it's not what I need.
I think affairs are awful and I would never do it but sometimes I can see the appeal of an emotional affair.
How do others cope with that lack of emotional support and the need to be somebody's permanent crutch? I love him, I really do. Some days are just so hard and no one is looking out for me. I don't even have any parents I can fall back on emotionally.

The only way is a diagnosis.

Is his dad dead? I don't think it's that abnormal a reaction. My parents don't get sad around their parents birthdays, or days that they died.

I so the same with "most people", but usually back at my ASD husband! Because he's right, there is no one way to do things, think things. He often thinks I'm weird cos I don't do normal things like birthday cards, anniversaries, big birthdays etc.

Turtle

turtle
Was it amazing hearing someone expressing concern about you? I am so used to feeling unsupported I think I’d break down if anyone said that! I struggle on from day to day but there’s no joy in life. Not knowing about aspergers, I had years of thinking if I tried a little harder all would be well. DH made me feel I was being unreasonable for expecting and asking for some of his time and attention and eventually with all the other stuff that goes with this condition, I just switched off. But I feel so responsible for him. I still do the carrying and he doesn’t have a clue. Nor, I think, do many people, which makes it so lonely.

I was just remembering how my DW said something genuinely nice to me and how it was such an unusual thing it just felt very very weird. I think that must be about three years ago.

I haven't posted on here for quite some time but I too have now separated from my autistic H. It's been pretty emotionless on his part, like our marriage, and close friends have commented on this void saying that they can now see what I was coping with on a daily basis and understand why it couldn't work any longer. It's all a bit of a mess and the kids are unsettled but hopefully better times are ahead. We have the kids half the week each.

I feel sad and sometimes selfish at putting my needs first - essentially leaving an objectively good set up for the chance of getting my emotional needs met in the future. But I also think having an autistic husband and a challenging child is what broke me. One or the other on its own I could perhaps have coped with. So, no one's fault. Just a sad situation.

H was diagnosed privately by a psychiatrist and it was about £500 for a 3 hour assessment I think.

to all. I've woken up feeling so sad and lonely. Had a dream where I met someone who was funny and affectionate and it felt like heaven.

I have met someone and had an emotional affair. But I'm giving counselling a go for the sake of the kids and the last 10+ years. He is doing so much better, but this weekend there were some cracks in the armour showing.

@Misty9 for me it is having an ASD child and ASD husband that has pushed me over the edge. I've actually said to H previously that I can't deal with both of them.

I was feeling loads better and more positive, but this morning I don't again.

There does seem to be a common theme of loneliness and being the sole adult in a supposedly conventional two parent family.

Chatting to my brother, he and his DW know they always have each others backs. From experience I know when I need her most DW will find a quiet corner to hide in and not come out until everything is back to normal.

stardustandroses

100% it felt amazing for someone to acknowledge and understand all the unseen effort it costs me. And hearing it articulated made me realise the enormity of the situation.

I held it together in the appointment although I did well up but had a massive cry on my way into work when I was alone.

I think it's true what Intentsandporpoises says about the being responsible for a child with ASD and a spouse is what can push you over the edge.

I'm not naturally someone who likes rigid structures and routines and that's how I'm living life at the moment. I said to the consultant when DH was diagnosed that it feels I am making all the compromises and I'd just like to be met in the middle once in a while. She said 'but it's so hard for people with ASD to compromise'

She's recommended some stuff for me to read and for us to go to a marriage thing for marriages where one partner has an ASD diagnosis. Has anyone done anything like that?

to all. It's really hard.

We have just started marriage counselling. The counsellor does have experience with ASD. Se said that to me in our initial session that I am the one who always has to compromise and bend and after years it gets exhausting and you become resentful.

intents
I am the one who always has to compromise and bend and after years it gets exhausting and you become resentful

Ain’t that the truth!! Especially when DH thinks that he’s always the one who has to compromise - DUH!

Oh yes! DH thinks he's the master of compromise!! It's very draining.

I have been lurking for a while and now need to get it off my chest, DC2 diagnosed with Asperger's or ASD as they say now and severe anxiety, we have know for years though, DH also Asperger's but not diagnosed. Been together 11 years but I am having a hard time with his osbsessive side, he does volunteering which takes up time and expects me to have the dc while he does this as he says I have no other life, we have had counselling but it's not helped at all, he now is taking on more volunteering and I can't seem to get through to him that he also has a family and me and the dc would like him to care about us and spend time together, we feel like a b&b, so sorry that was long.

Welcome @Butwhyyyyyyy sorry you find yourself here. Did your counsellor have ASD training? It’s relevant because they need to understand the specific dynamics of an ASD/NT relationship.

I think we can all identify with your post x

Can I just share what happened today? I feel validated, nervous, relieved and sad all at the same time.
Suspected DH of having aspergers for a few years now after a lot of coldness, lack of understanding and empathy from him after birth of first child and during a very close bereavement. I confided in one of his family members that I believed he has ASD. This was not taken well by the family member and I was told it was not the case. We went to relationship counselling and I got the impression the counsellor suspected ASD by reference to some of her comments and implications, I asked her privately if this was the case and she responded that she shouldn't answer my question, but that we could explore ways of having a relationship with someone with ASD if I wanted to.
Then, yesterday, an old friend came to visit. The friend used to work with DH and DH was out at the time of the visit. I told her a few things about some issues we had been having and then she blurted out:
" I hope you dont mind me saying this, but has it ever occured to you that he may have aspergers? I've known him a long time and there is definitely something a bit different about him."
No initiation from me whatsoever.
This means it hasn't all been in my head doesn't it,
This means he does have ASD?
It doesn't change anything, but it does mean that I can finally forget about him ever changing and accept that I either accept life as it is, or I get out.

Hollalula
it hasn’t all been in my head
Sadly many people do think it’s all in their head and if they did something differently everything would be all right. When you finally realise it might not be you it’s a revelation! But then you have to decide what to do about it. Would he be willing to do a test? And have counselling? Perhaps if he accepted he is different and you both had strategies to make living together easier, it might be doable. But if he won’t accept there is a problem, that makes it difficult because it’ll always be you who has to bend and compromise as someone on here said earlier. It’s such a sad conundrum. I’m glad that you have some support from your counsellor and there is quite a lot of info online. And us!☕️💐

This means it hasn't all been in my head doesn't it,
This means he does have ASD?
It doesn't change anything, but it does mean that I can finally forget about him ever changing...

That's not been my experience. We have not seen a specialist counsellor, we went to Relate and it was an enormous help. My DH hasn't changed the way he is, of course, but he has changed his behaviour. Understanding his difficulties better has been a huge help to me. We did get a firm diagnosis but things improved before that, thanks to our Relate counsellor.

I've found some of the online articles very discouraging and not true to my experience.

Unfortunately, DH is very closed off to the idea that he may have apergers, offended and irritated by the very mention of it.

Part of the problem also is that he enjoys the way he behaves. He finds it funny that he's awkward, stubborn and insensitive. Proud of it even.