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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

999 replies

changerofnameaspiethread · 05/03/2019 11:50

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

OP posts:
colouringinpro · 16/04/2019 10:02

Ali thanks for that link. Powerful article. The slow drip/death by a thousand scratches rings so true.

And the reticence thing. I have often felt more recently that he's lied to me for years in that he appeared and told me that he knew how to "adult" but in reality he was a massive ball of anxiety and fear. I know it's not his fault, but it feels dishonest.

My ex wasn't like that re the birthday thing though. He would occasionally know what to do to celebrate, something that I'd like, and occasionally choose a present that I'd like. Occasionally. More often he's choose something or organise something I wasn't keen on and I'd have to look pleased in front of the children so my dd didn't tell me off for being ungrateful. He made me feel hard to buy for and hard to please which is not the truth.

AliSheppard · 16/04/2019 17:52

Glad some of you were able to take something from the article Flowers

I may have to delete this account and re-register as I am having difficulty logging in with a long line of text popping up across the top of the page when I try. Not sure what's going on with that but it's happened a few times now.

Moffa · 16/04/2019 23:26

Hi everyone, just checking in!

It’s been 3 weeks since I left H and while there is a long way to go I’ve realised I don’t miss him at all. He worked 7/7 so there isn’t much to miss but even in the small pockets of time he was there he was not full of love or joy.

I feel more relaxed, the kids seem really happy and laugh all the time and I barely think about him to be honest. He sees the DC a couple of times a week but never calls to speak to them. I need to meet up with him to tell him this is a permanent decision. I think he won’t like it at all because he seems to be realising (too late) what his behaviour has cost him.

It’s all quite weird, I think I’m waiting for the grief stage to hit me like a bus!

Hope you’re all doing well WineBrewCakeFlowers

Bluebellforest1 · 17/04/2019 08:04

Hi Moffa and everyone,
Moffa that sounds so positive, you sound like you and your dc are enjoying life.
Good luck telling him that it’s permanent.....just the thought of telling mine that I want out, terrifies me.

IntentsandPorpoises · 17/04/2019 10:43

That's sounds really good Moffa

Things have changed a bit here. We have a first counselling session with a counsellor who specialises in ASD/NT relationships (she's recommended by the NAS). DH is doing lots of reading and is taking responsibility for his behaviours and still consistently trying hard. We've been able to have meaningful discussion about some historical instances and where we misunderstood, or being able to analyse his behaviour.

He's met with a few of his friends and been able to talk about it. One friend giving him tips that he might not have instinctively thought of. We had a date night last night, just watching a film- but a film I chose (first time in 12 years!) and it was really nice. And after work he listened to me talk about my day and asked questions and made comments that showed he was genuinely listening.

So actually I 'm feeling more hopeful. This doesn't feel the same as previous attempts to change behaviour, it is very different. He has also acknowledged that it might not work but whatever happens he wants us to be able to get on and co-parent the children.

There's still a big hill to climb.

stardustandroses · 18/04/2019 06:55

Oh bless him. So pleased things are looking up. Keep us posted!

SnuggyBuggy · 18/04/2019 07:29

Been reading through this as my DH has some form of autism. We are doing ok mostly but I'm following anyway.

Moffa · 22/04/2019 17:44

Hi all!

I am now in the Hotel California. I’ve checked out of my marriage but he will never really let me leave.

Feel exhausted! Wine

Bluebellforest1 · 22/04/2019 18:10

Enjoy your wine Moffa, have som3 Gin and Flowers too x

Moffa · 22/04/2019 22:16

Thank you bluebell

Ok, so we had a 3 hour talk and it was good to finally say everything we wanted to say although it left me feeling quite bereft. I also feel guilty because he wants to try again but I don’t think I’ve got the love left in me. And I’m terrified of doing another decade and regretting it.

But he has agreed to seek a diagnosis for HFA. Does anyone have any advice on this? I said it’s probably best to pay as then it will be quicker & less painful. How much does it cost & are there any places you recommend?

Then he has said he will go and see a counsellor who specialises in ASD. And then he would like couples counselling with an ASD/NT specialist. It sounds exhausting but I feel like I need to at least show willing.

The problem for me is that if he has HFA (I would bet my life on it) then would that give him an excuse for poor behaviour in future? And if he doesn’t have HFA he is basically just a total ArSe.

But overall I feel just sad really.

Moffa · 22/04/2019 22:37

PS he said maybe I need a label too! Maybe I’m the autistic one. I definitely felt I had absorbed some traits from him (I was becoming quite impatient & inflexible which has changed since leaving!). I just did the online Aspergers test & got a very low score indicating no traits of Aspergers! I’ve sent him the link to see how he scores!

newcat12345 · 22/04/2019 23:00

The problem for me is that if he has HFA (I would bet my life on it) then would that give him an excuse for poor behaviour in future? And if he doesn’t have HFA he is basically just a total ArSe.

Exactly the way I feel Moffa...screwed either way

Neome · 22/04/2019 23:10

I have read quite a bit of the thread but not all and I'm not sure I've grasped the rules.

DS may have Autism. His Dad has, we don't live together. I do my best to support them both, at the moment I'm slightly exhausted by it.

Moffa · 23/04/2019 06:37

Hi Neome, what do you mean by the rules? The rules of the thread or of ASD?

www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners/comfort.aspx

@newcat exactly. Totally screwed.

stardustandroses · 23/04/2019 07:32

moffa Thanks for the link - I could have written that word for word!
I don’t think you’re completely screwed you know..... I have a friend in a similar marriage who has left and her DH is fine. It’s all very amicable and I get the impression that after the initial shock he settled very well. Very important to go ahead with the counselling as it might help in future relationships even if it’s too late for yours. It will also help him to deal with your DCs in the future.

As for imbibing some of the autistic qualities - I think it’s inevitable. When you don’t have the emotional support you hoped for in a relationship, you’re bound to react in a sort of self defence. I’ve found the same. I’m quite detached now, emotionally (after 40 years) but get very cross having to explain or ask the same things day after day. I can’t rely on him to do anything. It’s a nice surprise if he does stuff (like lock doors and close windows when he goes out) but I always have to check for the times when he forgets.

So don’t beat yourself up and have hope that when it’s all over he will adjust to the new order. Once he finds someone else (and I’m sure he will, for the very reasons you were attracted to him) he’ll be absolutely fine and let’s hope by then he’ll be more equipped to hang onto her.

IntentsandPorpoises · 23/04/2019 09:39

The biggest thing for me is whether I still love him. He genuinely has changed and he is maintaining it. He takes full responsibility for his behaviour and feels ashamed by it. It's so hard as he gets so tearful if he thinks about me leaving. And technically he's doing all the right things, but I still not sure I feel anything.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 23/04/2019 09:54

You are allowed to leave just because its not working for you, you know. However hard he tries.

StripeyChina · 23/04/2019 12:18

Can I join please?

I have been married 18 years, separated 2.5 years.

My ds, 14 got an ASD dx 18m ago. Dd, 11 being assessed.
No Qu that H is ASD too but not Dx'd (though he's taken lots of online assessments and they have all been v high scoring)

So much of this rings so true.
I have struggled with the line between ASD and abuse (from him)
But also am aware that i 'make allowances' for DC that i struggle to do for H. Because I don't want to co-parent with a child and that is the state he is mostly in (around me, anyway).

SaltyDogs · 23/04/2019 15:04

Hi
I posted about my difficulties with adult DS in relationships but didn't get any replies. I since found this thread and guess there may be more experience. DS isn't diagnosed but has lots of aspergers traits. My ex-H was also undiagnosed with aspergers (along with a lot of other horrible personality issues!).

If anyone is able to read my thread and reply I'd be really grateful, feeling alone in it all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566967-Anyone-else-Difficult-relationship-with-adult-child

SaltyDogs · 23/04/2019 15:07

StripeyChina
I am new on here too but agree with your line I have struggled with the line between ASD and abuse (from him). This rings to true for me. How much do you accept. Especially when it is hurting you so badly and unacceptable, I find myself thinking why should it be allowed just because they can't help it. Where are the boundaries and where do you draw a line. But you can't talk, explain or reason because to them their behaviour is logical, yours illogical.

Moffa · 23/04/2019 16:57

@stripeychina & @saltydogs it was only when I told him my NHS Mental Health assessment results showed I hit every marker for Domestic Abuse that my H took stock of his behaviour. His instant response was ‘but I’ve never hit you’ and I said ‘There is a huge difference between DV and DA’ and I think he must have looked in to it. My therapist said after session 1 that I was experiencing textbook DA and she specialises in ASD. She added that the strange thing is DA can be worse than DV in that it can be relentless and more damaging long term (the death by a thousand cuts analogy)

@saltydogs I’ll read your post later xx

Daftasabroom · 23/04/2019 17:10

I'm not a big fan of the term abuse unless the behaviour is deliberate or willfully hurtful. I prefer the word damaging. Some of DWs behaviour is extremely damaging, and the long term effect may be similar to deliberate or willful abuse - but I wouldn't say she is abusive.

AutisticHedgehog · 23/04/2019 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AutisticHedgehog · 23/04/2019 17:54

hear = here

IntentsandPorpoises · 23/04/2019 18:19

@AutisticHedgehog but if you write down all the behaviours towards me you see a pattern of emotional abuse. Blaming, criticism, inflexibility, outbursts. If you add the autism then it explains the reason. For my H it is anxiety linked to his autism that causes these behaviours.

But for me the effect is the same as if it were emotional abuse. My autistic H agrees with this and takes full responsibility for these behaviours. He is trying to address his anxieties and explain more to me why he might react in that way.

My dd with ASD also physically assaults me quite regularly because of her autism. It hurts jusy as much regardless of the cause. And sometimes I break and find it unbeatable, because I am human having some repeatedly assault you is hard, even if you know the cause.