How many nights a week does your DH see friends?

[NASA20]

How many nights a week do you think is acceptable?

Background, my DH goes out to see his friend practically every single night, he even went on valentines day after we had had our meal.

I have no problem with my partner having time to himself, I like to go see my friends every now and then but what hes doing is just totally over the top and disrespectful.

Nothing I say seems to make a difference, hes full of false promises and always goes back on things hes said and I just feel depressed with it. I feel like asking him to leave but I dont want to break our sons heart.

The responses on here are shocking! OP your DH is a dick but all the posters smugly announcing their poor partner only goes a few timed year??

It's healthy to have your own social lives. These relationships sound suffocating,

I do think it’s healthy to see your friends and do things separately but the amount he was out was just ridiculous. I’m really hurting right now and feeling very very low, feeling like I’m not good enough, he didn’t want to make me happy. Deep down I know he’s the one with the issues but he’s just not accepting any responsibility for this and that’s what hurts the most when I’ve tired so damn hard to keep this family together.

*The responses on here are shocking! OP your DH is a dick but all the posters smugly announcing their poor partner only goes a few timed year??

It's healthy to have your own social lives. These relationships sound suffocating,*

Well, I think you are extremely rude.
“Smug?” the OP asked the question and I and others have answered truthfully. Were we supposed to lie? Or refrain from answering to please you?

My husband goes out 0-1 time a year. Same as me. I didn’t say this was normal, but it shows the OP that ‘No, not every guy out there leaves his wife and children at home everyday so he can socialise’.

Every family should do what’s best for them. If you’d find it suffocating to have your partner home every evening, then that’s fine.

My DH and I both work full time. Exact same hours. We spend evenings and weekends together. He’s my best friend and has been since school. We don’t have proper friendships groups, only a few friendly acquaintances. He chooses this life. No one forced him. Just like I choose this life. So neither of us find it suffocating. If he wants to pop out for a drive, I don’t lock the door or if I want to go out shopping, I don’t need him with me. Plus when we are together we find plenty to do not to mention we share hobbies.

So please don’t worry about us. We are very happy.

Op, the type of relationship I have with my DH may be too much for you personally, but I just wanted you to know that when you decide the time is right to start dating again, there are men out there who will make you their whole world. And you deserve that xx

How the hell was anyone smug @Grobagsforever?
The OP literally asked a question and people answered?
It seems to have hit a nerve with you though so perhaps you’re projecting a bit but not one person was “smug”

I'm sorry this has turned out this way. He could stop the weed and be with his family but is obviously too addicted.

It's no reflection on you whatsoever, @NASA20. You're obviously a good person because you've worked hard try and maintain your relationship.

I honestly think some people (both men and women) never grow up and in my DPs case he drank loads because he didn't want to (his words) "get old and die". He equated family life with being boring; drink and drugs were exciting and reminded him of his youth.

For my part, I love going out. I have a wide circle of friends and I love spending time with them, but I do it appropriately (not getting smashed on a Wednesday night!) and my DC comes first. Always. I know it must feel awful OP, but honestly you're doing the right thing. This feeling will pass.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I’m feeling extremely low right now and like I want to just beg for him back but I know that would be the wrong decision because he’s never ever going to change or be the person I want him to be no matter how much I would love that. I’ve contacted a few counsellors to see if they have availability hopefully this will help.

Our problems always feel worst in the middle of the night when it’s dark and quiet. You sound like a capable and very sensible young woman, and though I know it’s hard, you can come through this.

In an hour or two it will be light. Try and get some rest now. 💐

Smug? Rubbish. My dh goes out without me once a fortnight to rehearse with his mates that he has been in a band with for years. Other than that he goes out socially with friends about once a month. He's an introvert who has a busy job and likes being home with his family. It's not unhealthy, it's his choice.

OP, I'm so sorry he made this choice. It's not a reflection on you but is all about his addiction. I hope you can get some good counselling sorted for yourself.

Good luck Op. don’t take him back if he promises to change. Only take him back if he has already changed.

You owe it to your child to show them an example of a healthy relationship.

Entitled man child. Gets in a huff if he can't go out and smoke weed with his mates?

He thinks nothing of it clearly. Once a week is fine but every fucking night? Fuck that shit.

It’s not a case of taking him back if he promises to change, he’s doing no begging and hes not promising anything, this is what he wants which is making this so much harder after everything I’ve done to get us on the right track and happy. Yeah he was acting like an absolute arsehole but I still loved him I just wanted things to change so we could be happier. I really believe that in a marriage you have to compromise and work hard at it if there are problems but he just clearly doesn’t share those values. I just don’t get why he didn’t love me enough to do anything for me.

He clearly has a drug habit and that's what he's going out for. He's spending your child's money on drugs and that is going to be his priority so it's time to kick him out

He's a wanker and he doesn't deserve you. Honestly. I know you love him, but he'll just make you so so unhappy over the next few years. He'll never change; he probably thinks you're the one with the problem because he doesn't think what he's doing is wrong.

Have you spoken to friends/family about this? What have they said?

There is a thread on here about things you regret doing when you split, I would tell his parents , friends and family, that he won't stop smoking weed, and leaving the house as soon as you go to bed...
Do not let everyone see you as the bad guy.

I have actually already told his sister in law as I know it will then get back to the rest of his family, don’t want him going and giving his sob story of lies to people about me when he has caused all this. I’ll look for that thread thank you.

Good luck, OP. As hard as it must feel right now, you are doing the right thing by calling out his addiction and not putting up with it.

I have a close friend with a very similar situation with her ‘D’H. He disappears at around 8pm every night to smoke weed with local friends. Unfortunately, she hasn’t been as strong as you in standing up to him. Their DC are now teenagers and this has been going on for years now - if anything it’s got worse - and it HAS affected their children. They have an addict father who can’t put family life above his addiction, and a mother who can’t seem to stop enabling it. When he can’t get weed (family holidays etc) he is moody and sullen. It’s painful to watch.

It sounds like you really love him. Would you be ok with him smoking (outside) at home? That way maybe you could tempt him home as enjoy the time together. Wrap up warm and listen to some music and chat outside once the kids are asleep. That’s what we do. Dh is one of those people that need weed like others need air. He used to be out all the time but he’s grown up a lot and tends to spend most of his free time at home now.

Thank you WhiteWine my DH could go without on holiday without it effecting his mood as we were away having a good time but in normal circumstances it just controlled everything.

CocoDeMoll in theory yes but also no, weed changes who he is, he’s hard to get out of bed, makes him grumpy the next morning, he smells vile after, rarely makes it to bed as he falls asleep on the sofa, he’s lazy, it takes centre stage above anything else and frankly he’d be outside all night because it’s not just one joint it’s like 3/4 a night. I don’t agree with it so I’m not going to enable it. He’s an addict it needs to be all or nothing. I know some people don’t think it’s that bad and if it doesn’t affect their relationships then great but it really does effect mine and if he truly loved me he would have done anything to keep me.

Fair enough NASA everyone draws their line in the sand somewhere and it’s good you have firm boundaries. I’ve gone back and forwards on how I feel about weed and for us, him smoking it every night is just part of who he is and I’ve accepted it.

What you are feeling NASA is completely normal. You have to grieve for what you’ve lost before you can move on.
It’s not your druggie, lazy, neglectful partner that you’re grieving for, but the family you wanted. The support. What could have been.
All very, very normal after a break up. But it is also clear that you ARE ready for this, because you also are not showing signs of giving in or allowing him to continue living this lifestyle with you. You aren’t up for making compromises around his drug smoking and you are doing what is best for your children.
I think you are amazing. Of course you feel low at the moment but think how good you’ll feel soon.
Regards your husband not fighting for you, when he feels low, he’ll smoke weed and more easily get through it. But he won’t be able to mask this forever. You’ve got happiness ahead, whilst he’s got long-term weed inflicted depression to look forward to.

Coco, your approach sounds sad and “enabling” of the addiction.

Nasa, you couldn’t “save” your relationship when your H wasn’t making any effort. His primary relationship is with weed. It’s important now to prioritise your DC and self.

A friend’s DP with both a weed and alcohol addiction was initially “happy” to end the relationship. Not because he didn’t love her in his way, although at the time of the breakup he said he didn’t, but because he wouldn’t and couldn’t prioritise his family over his addictions. He has, sadly, never changed, his problems have led to injury and ill health. He sees his DC regularly but rarely overnight. Over the years he has tried it on with her many times, says he loves her etc, she just finds it sad now.

Thank you DBML your comment has really cheered me up this morning.