How many nights a week does your DH see friends?

[NASA20]

How many nights a week do you think is acceptable?

Background, my DH goes out to see his friend practically every single night, he even went on valentines day after we had had our meal.

I have no problem with my partner having time to himself, I like to go see my friends every now and then but what hes doing is just totally over the top and disrespectful.

Nothing I say seems to make a difference, hes full of false promises and always goes back on things hes said and I just feel depressed with it. I feel like asking him to leave but I dont want to break our sons heart.

What feministwithtitsin said

He sees one particular friend most evenings as they play a competitive sport together for an hour or two 5/6 times a week.

He doesn’t really do ‘lads nights out’ though. We’re both not really that kind of people. We tend to go out in mixed groups of couples.

FWIW, that sounds like a totally different scenario to your DP, OP. Either spending all night out or waiting until you’re in bed and then going out to smoke weed and play Xbox. Dear me. What a tool.

Just a little update. He went out the other night, and after promising not to go out last night it got to about 8:30pm and he said he was just “nipping out” and I went mad saying he promised he wouldn’t etc. He said he wanted a joint and I said your always going to want a joint!! And he said don’t make it worse. So I went to bed and he went out, I have no idea what time he got in because I fell asleep. I sent him a message while he was out that basically said I’m done, if he was planning on going out tonight or any other night this week then he might as well not come home and if he loved me he would apologise to me for all this. As normal he didn’t respond. He was on the sofa when I got up for work this morning so I’m taking that to mean he doesn’t plan on going out tonight. I hope.

So other than posting here yet again, what exactly are you going to do to move forward?

Post again in 6 months or take a look in the mirror and make a choice about whether you buy into the myth that being alone would be really worse than the current situation?

If he doesn’t go out tonight or anty other night this week and starts showing me he’s going to change then hopefully things will work out but if he goes out tonight he knows not to come back and I’ll remind him of it as he goes out.
Trust me I’m not under some magical illusion that being with him is better than being alone, I could cope fine on my own, I’m financially independent, this is my house and I’m on my own a lot of the time anyway so it wouldn’t be much different. I’ve put up with this for so long because I have a son who loves his dad and would be heartbroken, it’s not always as easy as people think to just chuck someone out especially when you love someone and there’s kids involved.

Well, I don’t have a DH anymore as he left me. When we were together he’d go out as much as he could because ultimately he enjoyed the weed/beer/games/chatting shit/music more than he enjoyed family life. We would spend time together, and family time, but I could tell he itched to be with a mate. I was invited along many times (which is how he defended it) but how we relaxed was radically different. When he moved out he went to live with his friend and now has a flat of his own. The other night he had 7 people round drinking. I’ve had to insist on no weed when our child is there.

Him leaving (and me not taking him back when he realised how much he loved me and the comforts of family life) was hard. I’d say I’m doing pretty well now. My bills are paid, I work full time & get CB and Tax credits, help with childcare, free nights for myself when he has our child, a new boyfriend (whose underpants I don’t have to wash and who is kept sepeprate from my family life) and a social life of my own. I’ve done the Freedom Program and am continuing with the follow on course. It is much better to be by oneself for one’s own self esteem than to be with someone who prioritises lad time to family/couple time.

Does he drive himself while noticeably high? That would be the first thing I'd worry about.

I think he'd need to be weed free for 3 months to pass the drugs test. So I'd guess he's likely to be unemployed too soon. Your ultimatum might be a blessing.

It is hard for our child but they see their dad 3 times a week. We’ve had support from school. My child would prefer it if things were as they were but two parents living separately and living happier lives is better than miserable family life. We can’t just go on and on accepting unacceptable behaviours because what kind of idea of family life does that project? What kept me strong (even when lamenting what I’d lost) was the idea that I was showing my child (ok my daughter) that men couldn’t treat you like shit and you’d forgive and forget everything.

I appreciate it’s not an easy thing to do. Luckily the decision to split was taken out of my hands as he decided to cheat. If you are going to issue ultimatums you’ll need to follow them through. Good luck OP xx

You should LTB BECAUSE there are kids involved. No one is saying it’s easy, but your choice is to do what’s best for your DC or prioritise your love for someone with a drug addiction.

You can’t control or cure his addiction.

I think you are doing the right thing by leaving him if he goes out. I hope he doesn't and you can sort it though. He is silly if he throws away his family for weed. But he wouldn't be the first to do so. It's a horrible addictive drug despite what the advocates say.

"I’ve put up with this for so long because I have a son who loves his dad and would be heartbroken, it’s not always as easy as people think to just chuck someone out especially when you love someone and there’s kids involved".

It does not wash when there are children involved and it is for your son that you should get his dad out of your day to day lives.

You still get something out of this relationship still and that is really why you have stayed. You have not stayed because of your son and he cannot be used by you to stay with this man, he won't say thanks mum to you for doing that to him. Your son also cannot be used as the glue here to bind you and this man together.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what do you think he is learning here from you two as his parents re same?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

This man's number 1 priority is weed in any case and he is more than adept at shutting you down. He has never apologised nor accepted any responsibility for his actions here; he just wants you to put up and shut up. Is being with this person with all its attendant misery better than you and your son being without him in your day to day lives?. Codependency is often seen in relationships where there is drug addiction and I am wondering if you are actually confusing love here with codependency.

He was on the sofa when I got up for work this morning so I’m taking that to mean he doesn’t plan on going out tonight. I hope.

He ignored your pleas and went out anyway, then he ignored your text explaining how you were feeling and stayed out/didn’t reaping. How does him being on the sofa mean he’s on board and ready to fight for your relationship?

This was my dp until we moved away and had our ds. Every single bloody day!

I would advise against a surprise outburst from you as in "if you go out now, don't bother coming back". He will just go out.

You need to sit down with him, presumably during the day time before he gets jittery and desperate. Have a calm conversation about how this is not a good relationship. How he is choosing weed over his family. How you would love it if he could give up the weed and you become a normal family. However, if he prefers his weed and computer games then he is not the man for you and you must split up. Explain what that will mean to him in terms of how he will have to leave, not see son for half the week etc etc etc.

I really hope you can get through to him. If he chooses the weed, get him to verbalise it - ie I choose the weed over you and our son. Hopefully he will hear what a wanker he is.

I've just read through the thread, and forgive me if I've missed it, but does he have a job? How can he work and kind of decent job after getting stoned every night?
What does he bring to your family life? You have a job and do a majority of the childcare, cleaning and food shopping too I would imagine. So part from the few hours in the afternoons when he spends time with you and you son what does he do?

I can count on 2 hands the number of times my DH has gone out since our son was born 15mths ago. He absolutely prioritises us and being with his family.
I couldn’t be with someone who’s priorities were drugs and mates over his child, I find it sad at how little you must value yourself and your child to put up with this. Not to mention how little he obviously thinks of you.
Hopefully you won’t waste the rest of your life with this man.

He didn’t go out!! I realise this is only one night but I’m hoping my ultimatum has made him realise what he stands to lose.

Give it a day or two and he’ll be off out getting high.

OMG i have needed to see this! MY possibly STBEH thinks its acceptably for him to have been out 3 - 4 nights a week to see his mates. I always said this was ridiculous and overkill! I am so glad to see that hardly any other partners think this is acceptable.

I'm really starting to see my husband is a bit of a selfish arse really!

We don't have kids and my partner only see his mates 1/2 a month if that. Everyone has lives to lead. I see my friends a little more but I have more days off.

It's all been said but it's obviously the weed. Great one night at home, but let's see when he has a week at home....

HowMuchMoreCanITake it’s horrible isn’t it. What excuses does your DH give?

Thanks for the positivity, I realise it’s only one night but he’s had his warning so if he goes out tonight he’s gone, end of.

My husband goes out with work friends maybe once a year? If that.
He’s a real homebody though and at home is where he wants to be. I’m of a similar mindset, we enjoy each other’s company just fine.

I couldn’t deal with what you are dealing with. No way. Nipping out to smoke weed! I’ve be going to bed and leaving the key in the lock every night. Sounds like you need to update your fella and find someone a bit more ‘grown up’.

Its over, he's leaving this weekend. Guess strangers on the internet knew him better than I did.