How many nights a week does your DH see friends?

[NASA20]

How many nights a week do you think is acceptable?

Background, my DH goes out to see his friend practically every single night, he even went on valentines day after we had had our meal.

I have no problem with my partner having time to himself, I like to go see my friends every now and then but what hes doing is just totally over the top and disrespectful.

Nothing I say seems to make a difference, hes full of false promises and always goes back on things hes said and I just feel depressed with it. I feel like asking him to leave but I dont want to break our sons heart.

Now it's once a week to play football, usually a drink after and once a fortnight or less a weekend night out. He generally goes to the gym before work or straight after work before he comes home.
But that's NOW! I had a similar problem with Dp after Ds was born although he wasn't like that before. But he was going out every night to meet one friend in particular, just for a few drinks and it was after Ds was in bed, but I was obviously upset about it and posted on here.
For us, I had to tell him it wasn't on and it was making me question our relationship (I was very close to going back to my mums). For him though he had some other things going on and he was struggling to sit and relax on a evening and going out was his solution to that.

How much is he spending on weed if he's smoking every night? ABC is it effecting him in any other way?

His biggest problem is his addiction to recreational drugs OP. Unless he's cheating, that level of desperation and time spent making excuses about pans etc when hes really craving drugs, is lunacy. He has a massive problem.
Reasoning and making requests of a drug addict is pointless, you won't win and hes demonstrating that. Have you sat down with him and laid out that the drug addiction needs addressing? Is he willing to seek help?

At the end of the day, you only have the person he is, not the version he would be if he behaved how you wanted.

Yes he knows exactly how I feel about the drugs. Last night was supposedly his last night but that’s not because of me that’s because there may be a drugs test at work in a months time. I honestly think he will be out smoking it again tonight and if he is then that’s it, I’ll tell him not to come home because I really have had enough and I deserve better than this half life.

He honestly is a good dad, he’s hands on, will happily stay in and watch our son if I have to go somewhere, he doesn’t see it as babysitting. He’s shit with housework but will do something if asked, he cooks everything, I’m not so good with cooking. There are good points and bad points just like everyone else, but this addiction is just killing anything I feel for him.

He wasnt when we first met but started using 7 years ago as a lot of our friends did at the time, everyone has grown up and started families and stopped all that now, except him and its really embarassing. I know full well if he stays in all this week and doesnt have any hes going to be in a horrible depressive mood every day. So his friend gets happy guy and I get depressed guy.

He is not a good dad to his child if he is treating you as this child's mother like this. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment or something similar when they themselves can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

If you do issue him with an ultimatum you have to be fully prepared to follow it through otherwise there is no point.

The only person who can seek help for his addiction is him; if it comes from you its not going to work. Currently he seems to not want to address his addiction - and he may never do so either.

Do not wait around for him to have an epiphany that may not happen.
The weed to this man comes first, last and always; that is what his primary relationship is with here. You and your son are not his number 1 priority here. Addiction really does end relationships.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and just what is he learning here?. This is really no relationship model to be showing your child.

I agree with PP, for your own mental clarity I’d knock the “he’s a good dad” mantra on the head. He isn’t a good dad, you wouldn’t tell DS teacher or his friends parents that his dad sits in his friends house smoking weed and playing video games every night, because it’s at odds with being a good parent.
When you have to lie to people or omit the truth, it’s because things are wrong.

Mine sees friends maybe once every other month. Our close friends are quite spread out geographically now, so it means a night or weekend away. So maybe every 2-3 months. We have two young dc and both work and are quite busy, so there is little more time than that.

I think once every week or two for a few hours is fine if you are both busy and have small dc. Otherwise you end up never seeing each other. I wouldn’t be happy with that amount. Even when we were young and students and childfree we still spent more time together than that.

He's a stoner. It's an addiction and therefore he's putting it before you and your son. You need to set an ultimatum and mean it - throw him out when he doesn't stop (because he won't stop). The only way you might possibly have a chance of getting your message through to an addict is with action.

How much is this costing?

Never if I'm honest - we prefer to do stuff together the rare night that we can do anything

Your husband sounds the same as mine. He has a weed addiction which he’s had from being a teenager (had some demons to battle). He also went out every night to same friends and smoked, it got to the point he could not sleep without it, then escalated to drinking as well. What you have to understand is that it is an addiction and just stopping like that isn’t going to work. My husband wanted to change so he has now stopped drinking and is t total but the weed is a different matter. We have agreed he can go out four nights a week but has to be at a reasonable time with the goal in the long term to reduce the weed to virtually none. He will need your support but you have got to put your foot down otherwise he will just carry on the way he is.

You've got far bigger problems than him going out every night OP. You're married to a drug addict. He's a shite husband and father but you can't beat his addiction , he has to

I know full well that if he stays in all this week and doesn’t have any he’s going to be in a horrible depressive mood every day.

How sad that your child will be exposed to his dad’s withdrawal symptoms. Really, NASA, you are doing your son no favors by tolerating this man who prioritizes drugs over his family.

You deserve a husband who won’t abandon you every night.

Why are you willing to settle for so little?

Er once every 2 months he meets up with some bloke friends in a local pub! That’s his lot!

His primary relationship is with weed.

He has certainly checked out of his relationship with you.

Good fathers don’t treat their DCs’ mothers like this.

Mine see’s his friends 5/6 nights out of 7.. but for an hour or two at the gym which is literally 10 minutes on foot from our front door so if I called him he’d be back here in a shot. If I ask him to have a night off, or he fancies one, or there’s something else on he doesn’t go. But I can’t complain he doesn’t drink or go out late, I know for a fact he’ll be in by 8pm after leaving at half 6... I can be in the bath longer .

Depending on how your dp’s smoking weed he could be addicted to tobacco more than the actual weed. Nicotine patches etc might help cutting back with that.

Sometime 2 or 3 nights a week, sometimes not for a few weeks. I see my friends about the same really, and alot during the day. Sometimes DP’s friends all rock up here and that’s fine.

I don’t think it’s the seeing of the friend that is unhealthy here. It’s the weed, the lack of respect for you, and I don’t think anyone can say that’s a normal amount of time to be out of the house. My friends DH games with his friends - remotely. He’s still in the same room.

My parent is 19 and he has stopped being like this with friends in order for us to have a good family relationship. I think if he cares about you and his child then he should only really be going out once a week at most with friends and I would cut out the weed all together, it changes people and not for the better.

In answer to your question, about twice a year. I wish he'd go more often tbh.

Maybe once a month, maybe even less, also has to entertain for work once a month or so (I occasionally bag an invite)

So if you stay with him, you can resign yourself to not going out until your son leaves home if your h gets shitty at the thought of going without weed for one night... fuck that!

And good fathers don’t invest this much time and money in drugs.

Thread like this always depress me. Ask yourself this question; If you were living the life he was living would you call yourself a good mum?

Why is the bar for fatherhood set so disappointingly low?

He’s being a shit dad and a shot husband. I personally can’t stand weed as a drug, it’s too ‘acceptable’ and partners I’ve had in the past that use it have used it all the time (so not like an occasional weekend thing), and are moody/horrible if they try to stop/can’t get any for any reason. I think people thought it wasn’t addictive but I think it is, whether it’s physical or emotional, and I just think it makes people like kids, playing stupid games, watching inane tv, spouting a load of crap, eating rubbish, being completely inert... Your husband is being utterly selfish and thoughtless - does he honestly think this is acceptable or what you made your vows about when you married. Ultimatum time for sure - you barely see him anyway so how different would it be if you were on your own?