What the fuck have I done.

[Properlyfuckedup]

I’m gay. I’m 38 and I’ve just admitted it to myself. What the fuck have I done to my life, to my husband’s life, to my children’s lives. I love him. But not in the right way. I fucking hate myself right now. Absolutely loathe myself. What kind of a fucking bitch does this. I can either ruin my family’s lives, or lie to them and accept misery for the rest of my own life. I hate both options. I can’t stand this. I don’t want to do this.

I should never have married him. I should’ve listened to my gut when I was a teenager. He is such a good man. He doesn’t deserve any of this. I don’t know what to do.

I hate myself so much.

You must first stop hating yourself. That hate will seep out and affect your children.

Plenty of people are gay and don't face up to it...it's not everyone who has supportive people around them in youth...or the strength to come out in a world which despite changes, is still homophobic.

So you got married and had children. It's going to be hard on your husband of course...but you must come out. You must. The shock won't last forever.

What if one of your kids is gay? When they're an adult, knowing their Mum had the strength to face up to their sexuality will help them.

You can't live a lie.

You’re being way, waaaay to hard on yourself. You’re not a bitch or horrible or vile or any other hostile word you choose to describe yourself with. Your sexuality is not a choice. Seriously. I hope with support and patience your family will understand.

Don’t hate yourself. You are being yourself and accepting yourself. It will be tough adapting but you can now live your own life.
It will get better.
Congratulations

Stop hating yourself, for a start.

Have you talked to anyone about this? A work counsellor, therapist, good friend?

I don’t want to split up our family. I don’t want to hurt him by telling him, and I don’t want to hurt him by not telling him. He’s going to be devastated, rightfully. He’s going to hate me, rightfully.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound hysterical. I really feel quite hysterical though. I’ve booked to see a counsellor next week.

My mum was in the same situation as you. I was 4ish when she left. We all turned out fine. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat.

Thank you, I will when I’m less upset-I really appreciate it, and the other comments. I don’t know how not to hate myself. I can’t believe I’ve been so utterly, utterly selfish.

Honestly, stop and take a moment. I absolutely appreciate this will all be new, but it will absolutely be okay. I think before you do anything, reach out to support groups and seek people who have been through the same thing and ask how to go about things.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and formats, just because mum and dad aren't together does not mean you won't be a family anymore. I know plenty of gay parents and children of gay parents and yes there was a huge adjustment period but they are still family and are there for eachother.

You are loved, remember that and you will be okay, promise!!!

I'd reccommend giving the samaritans a call right now, someone to properly talk to and get all your thoughts out, especially if they're making you so upset with yourself!

Peace and love
X

You've not been selfish in the slightest. It's so hard to be yourself in this world and all of the societal pressures that come with it. Your husband will eventually understand. Sexuality isn't a choice. It's biological. You deserve to be happy and your family will still be ok! Your children will understand and love you for who you are. Be yourself, you only get one life.

I've been on the receiving end of this. I can't bring myself to write any more other than please, please be honest with your spouse about this.

I will. And I’m so sorry.

OP. take a breath. Ok so you are gay. But your situation resonates with millions of others.....my marriage broke down because........ad infinitum. Of course social pressures may make it seem.like your situation is harder but at the end of the day it's "just" another ending of a marriage/ relationship. And I say that as someone v recently separated after 23 years together.

We had a male friend who left his wife for a man about 10 years ago. There was a degree of shock but I remember saying to my H at the time - I would rather you left me for a man than another woman because then I would know it was just something I could never give you- as opposed to him preferring another woman over me.

As it happens he's since left me for another woman. If it was a man, I honestly think I could forgive him.

There's no rush to do or tell anyone anything other than the relationship isn't working and we need to part. Don't rush into another relationship straight away (male or female, ). Sort stuff out and make sure DC are ok. There's plenty of time for new relationships once the dust settles.

You'll be ok, OP xx

You cannot help how you feel! Yes, this will feel shit in the short term, but living a lie would end up being detrimental to your emotional wellbeing.
Good luck

I feel like it’s so selfish to put myself first. I want to put him first but I don’t even know what that looks like at this stage. Breaking his heart?!

You will have had reasons you weren't able to even admit it to yourself until now, and I very much doubt they would have been as simple as "being selfish" or any of the other explanations you're offering up at the moment.

Do you think it might be possible that at least some of the reasons you weren't ever able to admit this to yourself in the past could also be why you have such an extremely negative view of yourself?

You've said yourself that you do love your husband - marrying him wasn't some cruel endeavour of yours. Nor was the family you've created. You haven't set out to hurt anyone, you were just trying to live in the best way you knew how to. That's all anyone can do.

You don't deserve to hate yourself.

Op, calm down. Are you gay or bi? Do you want a relationship with a woman more than you want a relationship with your husband?

Did you deliberately go out to hurt anyone? If not don't beat yourself up. Leaving is not going to ruin lives. How you leave will. Slow down and work out how you let your husband know. He may already have an inkling.

Over the course of my life I have moved from thinking I was straight but fancied women (🙄), to thinking I was bi, but it didn’t matter because I was with him, to knowing that I’m just outright gay. At the moment I can’t imagine having a relationship with anyone. I just know I can’t keep doing this. And he deserves better.

You're not a bad, selfish person, OP, any more than the rest of us. We're all just imperfect, flawed humans.

You're not going to be in the mood to hear it, but your situation is so common that there are comedies based on it - Frankie & Grace, Ross in Friends.

Many, many people wilI know someone in their widest circle of acquaintances this has happened to in one way or another.

It'll be OK. But you'll have to be honest with your husband and you'll have to accept it will all hurt like fuck for a while. Be gentle to yourself, at least.

Surely if you had a relationship for years and had children together. You are a bisexual woman, not a lesbian.

If you have fallen out of love with him, that is pretty common for long term relationships. Let him go and start a new.

We have talked before about me being bi so in that sense it may be no surprise. But maybe it’s worse because how could I not see the truth all that time?