What the fuck have I done.

[Properlyfuckedup]

I’m gay. I’m 38 and I’ve just admitted it to myself. What the fuck have I done to my life, to my husband’s life, to my children’s lives. I love him. But not in the right way. I fucking hate myself right now. Absolutely loathe myself. What kind of a fucking bitch does this. I can either ruin my family’s lives, or lie to them and accept misery for the rest of my own life. I hate both options. I can’t stand this. I don’t want to do this.

I am a bisexual woman and I find it hard to believe you could put yourself through years of a straight relationship if you were a lesbian

I am 61 and came out as a lesbian at age 40, after being married to a man for 18 years, and i know many other lesbians who have been married to men and who have brought up children, so yes it is possible to be married to a man for a long time and then come out as a lesbian.
Please try to be kind to yourself OP- you have been very courageous in coming out to yourself- it is very hard as we still live in a homophobic world. I echo what others have said- try to find other lesbians who have been through what you are going through- you need the support of your community. If you wish to PM me please do so.

you don't have to do anything at all. not just yet at least. Start by seeing your counsellor and take some time and go from there. For your family and your own sake, you need to have calmed down before any next step.

This ^ from @StinkyCandle . Please ignore the haters and for those banging on about 84% bisexual etc, it's really inappropriate so please just stop it.

OP it will be okay. You will be okay and your family members will all be okay. It's so hard when you know what you have to do and it seems so enormous. Please be kind to yourself.

To those who are being critical of the OP, you haven't walked in her shoes, or grown up in times when there was enormous pressure to be heterosexual and 'normal'.
It really isn't easy to go against the grain of that pressure when there is no frame of reference for the feelings you have inside that don't fit the norm. OP I hope you will feel, as I did, a tremendous strength from being true to yourself, that will sustain you as you go through this process of coming out to your OH. I also hope you have found a therapist who understands lesbian issues- if you find this person lacks empathy you must find someone else.

And yes, do take one step at a time- you are very wobbly and guilt ridden now- you need be gather strength before coming out to others and you need support in place. You WILL come through this and be in a new and free place with yourself OP.

Some odd judgements here about what constitutes a 'proper lesbian' and what a reaaaal lesbian would actually be doing or would have done or what sex they could or couldn't have had .

Sexuality is so often fluid OP, applying guilt to this situation as though you consciously knew you were 'fully gay' all along but have harboured a malicious lie is unfair on yourself. I am bisexual and have often thought nope that's it, only women, or the opposite or the inbetween, or just not been interested in either. Life circumstances and who I've happened to meet or who I am with are all contributing factors and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Some people clearly haven't had to experience coming to terms with something that changes their comfortable life when they don't want to leave that comfortable life, and lucky them if that's the case.

To be honest, not wanting to leave an established relationship because it plods along well and ypu still care for the person, but aren't happy in your heart is surely the reason most people cheat when they do; scared to leave a relationship with a dose of sunk cost fallacy thrown in, until they find a ship to jump to to soften the blow. I say good on you OP for seeking a counsellor who can hopefully aid you through this process as fairly as possible for your family.

Rewriting the narrative to make yourself feel bad isn't the answer. Changes of decision happen in life over various things and you certainly do not owe your life to your DP as penance, no matter how lovely he is and that is the difficult truth of it.

Is there anything in particular that has thrown all this up for you and made you see more clearly?

Fuck everyone who says "you can't be a lesbian "
You know yourself. And it's okay to feel shocked , unsure and scared about things. The kindest thing is to be honest with your husband and family. Itll bbe hard but in the long run its the kinder thing for your husband. I've seen this happen a few times, there will be tough times ahead but once the dust settles I don't know a single child of the people I know that hated their parents. Sexuality divorce is one less vicious for kids!

I think anyone questionning your sexuality can do one quite frankly. How do they know they're 'straight', honestly, thank you, neeeext!

Hun you'll be fine, breathe, calm, one day at a time. Breaking up with someone you love is never ever easy, and this is more complicated because you're going through a lot of stuff right now, but you are categorically not doing anything wrong, it's not wrong to be gay, it's not wrong to break up with someone, it happens and sometimes can't be helped. Whats the alternative, stay with someone out of sympathy? Give you and him some credit, borh worth more than that, and kids will understand in time, promise!!!

X

and breathe.......first get yourself some support LGBT helpline no: 0300 330 0630.Maybe confide in your best friend!!! Get perspective on it.
[https://switchboard.lgbt/] you may have already googled this. Take a breath stay calm (easier said than done I know!) Is, first of all, you feel comfortable about your newly recognised sexuality before telling anyone. As once you got a grip on it then you can look at who you tell, how you tell and when you tell or if you need to tell. 'Coming out' is when you feel confident FOR YOU, not anyone else! Is initially a hell of a lot to take in and even more of a rollercoaster of emotions when you begin to tell people. Take one step at a time; you are not wonder woman and you are not a walking encyclopedia for everyone else's questions. You're new to this. One step at a time. Get yourself some support!

p.s You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!

I had a panic attack and called the Samaritans last night, and then I told my husband. He’s so sad but is being completely amazing, though I fully expect him to be furious at some point.

Glad to hear you rang the right people in need! Sounds like you've done the best thing. He won't hate you, but he might get angry because hell feel a tad cheated which is natural ! But remember, all this is best for everyone in the long run x

Glad you have told him and that he was amazing. If you love and respect each other you will separate as humanely as possible. Be kind to each other and to yourself.

Deep breath. It must be very difficult, but you'll get through it

First step done, well first two steps done, congrats!! You're doing great, keep going with it, it will work out! Xxxxxx

So glad OP. Be kind to him and you.

How are you feeling today xx

I called the LGBT helpline above yesterday when I had another massive wobble, and they were really nice, and then I spoke to my counsellor for the first time today. I kind of want someone to just give me a solution that doesn’t hurt anyone, though I know that’s impossible (and noone’s job).

Just keep asking for support. Thinking of you.

Very brave of you telling your DH, well done. I hope he continues to be supportive.

Also very glad you are reaching out to professionals to help you get through this.

Also thinking of you.

you are doing really well. Keep reaching out, you have lots of support and will get through this and out the other side.

I’m glad you’re getting help & that your DH is being amazing. I’m also glad that you understand he’ll probably be angry at some stage. It’s a lot to process for both of you. It’s not just ‘What now?’, but the questioning of your whole relationship together, feeling that it wasn’t real & wondering how he hadn’t known you weren’t happy. He’ll be questioning himself so much. I think the ‘going forward’ is easier than dealing with the past.

Please stop beating yourself up. You’re NOT awful or selfish. It was a different world when we were growing up & you’d have had to be 100% certain your were lesbian before even considering speaking out. All you have done is follow the path that was expected of you and tried to make yourself fit into it.

You have NOTHING to hate yourself for. You didn’t knowingly choose this.

You are you. You are your children’s mummy and the same daughter, sister, friend you have always been. I hope you can still be your DH’s very, very good friend.

Please stop hating yourself, no good will come of that.

I just wanted to come back to this thread and thank everyone who was so kind. It’s been a couple of months now and I’m fully in therapy, plus DH and I are going to couple’s counselling. He’s been completely brilliant. We plan to stay together in every other way, but both acknowledge that might change if we meet other people. I’ve also come out to my family, and am feeling so much better about everything. I think we do have a future as best friends/co-parents/people who love each other. Anyway, thank you all for getting me through several very dark nights of the soul.

Delighted to hear your update

Don't be so hard on yourself. It doesn't make you a terrible person for admitting that you're gay, even though you're married to a man. I've known a few people who were in exactly your situation, and they were true to themselves in the end and they were much happier for it. Things will be ok in the end. It took me until the age of 34 to finally realise that I'm bisexual and I'm also married with a dd.

Don't live a miserable life because you feel like you have to. You really don't!

Glad you’re doing better OP.

I don’t think the arrangement you’ve come up with is sensible beyond the very short term. I know two people whose parents had that kind of arrangement for some years, and they were both very angry and distraught that they had been lied to.