What the fuck have I done.

[Properlyfuckedup]

I’m gay. I’m 38 and I’ve just admitted it to myself. What the fuck have I done to my life, to my husband’s life, to my children’s lives. I love him. But not in the right way. I fucking hate myself right now. Absolutely loathe myself. What kind of a fucking bitch does this. I can either ruin my family’s lives, or lie to them and accept misery for the rest of my own life. I hate both options. I can’t stand this. I don’t want to do this.

I hope you managed some sleep last night.
As everyone has said - please stop beating yourself up about this.
Take a bit of time to get your head together.
Your counselling will help you.
Then plan your next steps.
Baby steps.

I really appreciate the support on this thread but every time I read someone saying ‘you’re not gay’ I want to tear my skin off. Please stop.

I’ve written what’s turned into an essay to share with the counsellor. I hope she doesn’t think I’m a lunatic.

IIRC, research shows that women become "more gay" with age.

It's possible that you're not, let's say, 100% lesbian, but, say, 80%.
It's a spectrum, not all or nothing.
It seems to me that you've reached a stage when you're more confident or you've established your preferences more strongly.

What seems clear is that your marriage isn't making you happy in any way. In that sense, I'd think it's best to go and find yourself and let him go and find someone who really loves and wants to be with him.

Hi OP. I have created this account just to post on this thread. Please ignore the previous posters who are telling you that you can't be a lesbian, especially as they are basing their 'expertise' on 'having lesbian friends' or being bisexual.

This happened to me when I was 30. I was married but didn't have any children, so it was easier in some ways, but still a horrendous experience. You've been really brave just to admit this to yourself and you're doing all the right things by going to counselling, handling it much better than I did!

It's true that I now couldn't bear the idea of having sex with a man. However, CRUCIALLY, this only became clear to me once I'd admitted my sexuality to myself. I spent years thinking that I just wasn't that into sex or that women didn't enjoy sex as much as men. I didn't have that much experience with men (met my husband at 23 and was v socially awkward throughout school and university, so only had a couple of previous partners). This is obviously linked to the rubbish that society tells women, particularly very young women, about their sexuality and about male sexuality.

I really recommend Alys Fowler's memoir Hidden Nature on this topic, I found it so helpful. What I think she explains so clearly is this isn't just about who you sleep with or fancy, it's about being true to yourself. I'm single at the moment but I'm still SO much happier than when I was dating men.

I am very cross with previous posters who are upsetting you and I won't be returning to this thread as I find it quite upsetting to read as well. However, do not let anyone tell you that you must be bisexual because you've had relationships with men, or because you haven't yet had a relationship with a women. This is rubbish and they don't know what they're talking about.

Sending lots of virtual love and support in this very difficult time

As previous posts say ignore labels. First breath just that focus in breathing. You are an unique creature. There is only one YOU. You know how you feel and you are being honest to yourself, that's a big step. Now think it was Ur DH telling you he was gay, what would you like him to tell you/ act, make a list of ideas and think how can you do this. You don't have to do this today, take your time and love yourself. You can't make anyone happy if you aren't. You can remain friends, you can co-parent, it will be hard, but he will be pleased you told him. Your kids will be fine if you are fine. Your husband and kids aren't stupid, I'm sure they sense something isn't right at the moment with you. Please be gentle, stop for a second, breath, everything is going to be fine. Your kids are going to be fine, Ur DH is going to be fine, YOU are going to be fine. Millions of hugs

I know this is a tricky time, and concerns something integral to your identity so very 'big' and profound, but... you haven't done anything wrong. Nothing.

We all make decisions with the information we have at the time. We do what seems best at the time. You can't future proof every decision or choice.

It's ok to have married, had children, then realise that you are gay.

Be kind to yourself, as well as DH.

Yes, you should not have married your DH when your instincts told you not to. However, there is no point worrying about that now as you cannot change the past. You do need to tell your husband now though. You cannot let him continue to carry on blissfully unaware of this.

If your husband knows that you fancied women then thought you were bi-sexual he will possibly be less shocked by your news although still devastated at the loss of your relationship.

There is no point in not telling your DH this. He would not thank you in 25 years time if he found out that you are gay and his whole married life was a sham. That would be selfish of you. He deserves better than that. He deserves the opportunity to meet someone and have a fulfilling relationship with them. As do you.

It will be hard on everybody involved - your DH, your children, your families and you. These are people you love and who love you so I'm sure things will be okay after the initial fallout. You will still have relationships with them, buy possibly very different ones.

I remember when one of my parents had an affair (straight) lasting nearly 5 years which led to the break up of my parents' marriage. I was very upset but what upset me most was that I realised my mum must have told so many lies to all of us over the years. I got over the divorce in time but the deceit has always stayed somewhere in my mind's background.

I wish you well with your counselling.

As a married man of 25 years I will throw my 2 cents worth into this. I know if my wife reached this conclusion I would want her to tell me the truth and not give me some BS reason for separating, but that's just me. So, first relax, and breathe. Please have a truthful conversation with your husband, he deserves no less. It will be a difficult conversation, but a necessary one, ion which both of you will have a lot to process. In your original post you say you love him, but I'm assuming you mean you love him but not in a sexual or intimate way. Let him know that, and maybe what would work is an open marriage, not sure how the two of you would feel about that, but it is an option that you did not list in your first post.

The counsellor won't think you're a lunatic. They'll think you're working really hard and trying to make the best use of your time with them.

Good luck.

I only wanted to say comfortingly that we all have realisations or gut feelings we push down, it’s good that you are clear now, and also that a man in his late 30s/40s is probably going to be able to move on eventually and have a good chance of finding someone else. It is sad but it would be sadder for all of you to keep living what you’ve discovered is a lie for you. I hope you can get to a peaceful co parenting place and you both manage to move on, although it’ll be an upheaval.

I can't believe people are trying to tell the OP her sexuality. That's disgraceful. Really repulsive.

This happened to a lovely couple I know. They are still together, not sexually but as partners. They are the nicest people I know. He was initially angry, partly because he felt it made him the kind of man who would have sex with someone who didn't want to . But they've worked some stuff out and have a great counsellor.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. You are trying to do your best in a very tough situation. I hope you're coping ok.

If it was my partner, I would just want to know. I might already know on some level. Also, I genuinely think it is kinder to tell your partner the truth and give him the chance of having another more reciprocal relationship rather than continuing to live in a relationship that is not really a fully loving one.

Better to have two separated parents who are happier and more fulfilled than two parents who have stayed together "for the children" but are miserable on some unvoiced level.

I really feel for you, OP. My dad is gay and parents broke up when me and my siblings were still quite young. Although their divorce was upsetting for us, his being gay was not an issue. We still had a dad who loved us and was involved and around. It was kind of a complicated situation with my parents but not because of dad being gay. They are still friends to this day. I'm very glad they didn't stay together "for the kids" as I think that would have been a source of terrible unhappiness. After they split, my dad began to thrive and enjoy his life in a way he never had before. He is a lovely man, and we all just wanted him to be happy. I'm sure it will be the same with the people who love and care about you.

What I'm trying to say is, as awful as you feel right now, the only way through this is honesty and clarity with your husband and yourself. I think you are doing the right thing talking to a counsellor and I hope you are met with compassion and empathy.

To the people who are questioning OP's sexuality: you have no right to be so rude and disrespectful. What the hell do you know about the OP's life and circumstances? Would you say the same about my dad, that he wasn't really gay because he was married to a woman and had kids with her? I bet you bloody wouldn't, and I promise you he is as gay as they get. You are being unbelievably unkind and unhelpful.

How has today gone @properlyfuckedup? I've been thinking about you today and worrying about you thinking you are selfish. You can't help feeling how you feel and being who you are. It's natural. Unfortunately we still live in a society that constantly stuffs the idea of the "ideal nuclear family" down our throats - this isn't true of most relationships. Be true to yourself and I'm sure your husband will eventually understand and it might inspire your children to be themselves as they grow up. I hope you're ok and please keep us updated!

Wow Julen how about some compassion!
OP my heart goes out to you, but think logically you are obviously not about to go rushing into the first girl you meet arms,
Take time and breathe, this is who you are and it looks like you have surpressed your feelings for years, your husband probably knows it has an idea, and it sounds like you have a great relationship and you both are probably thinking about the kids, but you do need to tell him and be yourself, it does not mean one person moving out as their is no rush on making rash decisions.
Good luck in your new life being the person you have always destined to become, be kind to yourself and once the talk has happened you will feel so much better x

So no one ever should end a relationship? Because they've cheated their oh out of the life they planned? What utter bollocks.
Take no notice op. Some people are warped and cruel. We all end relationships, well most of us. For whatever reason they need ending. Some people stay and are fucking miserable. Don't be that person

NC for this.

I could be writing your posts! (Well, apart from the self hatred part!). This is all extremely new for me too.

I am 38 and have only in recent years admitted to myself that I am gay. The bit you said about initially thinking you were straight but just fancied women, then thinking you were bisexual and now finally admitting you were gay - that’s exactly what I have been through. And I don’t know why it took me so long, why I ignored my feelings.

I was with my husband for 20 years and we have 3 DC. We only split 6 months ago but I haven’t told him I’m gay. It was a mutual decision to split as neither of us were happy. Years ago I told him I thought I was bi so it most probably wouldn’t be too much of a shock to him, but I didn’t want to mix the two things up and have the whole break up be about me being gay. Also, I’m not ready to come out to the world or my DC and I didn’t think it would be fair telling him something so massive and then asking him not to tell anyone.

Right now, the future looks bloody scary and although I’ve made the first steps by admitting it to myself (and I’ve told one person, my best friend) I truly don’t know where I go from here. It gives me comfort to read your posts as right now I feel like the only person in the world who has gone through this at my age, it’s very lonely.
So no advice for you, but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

My ex husband is gay. I found out by accident, and it was a massive shock. He tried to tell me he was bicurious but he'd accidentally included me in an email he was sending his boyfriend. We are divorced now, not because he is gay but because of his deceit. He now lives with another woman to maintain the facade to his mother catholic

Please be honest with your husband. I see how it is destroying my ex, and I really could not be part of it.

Make sure you take care of yourself, and yes counselling is very important.

I really appreciate all the support on this thread. It’s been an emotional few days. I’m just trying to breathe through it and wait for meeting the counsellor next week, but I’m heartbroken every time I look at my family.

Those of you who think I’ve been awful, I agree, and all I can say is I didn’t mean to be. I really didn’t. There’s no excuse.

You're not awful, you're not perfect. That's true of everyone. People are complex. You cannot choose what you are or change what you have already done, but you have a choice what to do now, and you sound as though you want to understand and choose what is right.

If you try your best to accept yourself and your past actions, and to decide what you need to tell your DH, and then find a caring time and way to do it, then I believe that you will have chosen what is right.

A good counsellor, could be a professional or a friend, can help you, more like a coach than like a surgeon, since it will be your choice and your actions, no-one else's

If I were in your DHs shoes then I think I would want to know, sooner rather than later, and I like to think that while I would surely feel sad and angry for a while, I might then feel relieved and grateful after some time had passed.

I wish for you to find inner strength, courage in facing pain, and then in time, peace, and then joy.

Op you have not 'been awful '. How can tou have been - you have been struggling to do the right thing for everyone, in a situation that inevitably involves some adjustments that you and people you love will find uncomfortable - but that's life! You haven't chosen this, any more than people choose to be straight!! The difference being of course that the assumptions and expectations and socialisations that ease most of the lifechoices for straight people, were pushing overwhelmingly Against your tide. On top of which, your maternal instinct was very real, and you deeply love your husband. None of those things were "wrong", were they?

You are absolutely NOT awful. Far from it. I sincerely hope you did not take that from my post. My only advice would be to get counselling and when able tell the family to do so openly and honestly.

Please try and cope with one thing at once.

Firstly - like so many people who post on here, you are not in love with your husband how you should be. That's the bottom line. Whilst the reasons will matter to him and you'll undoubtedly need to talk through them with him, that's what it is. So it's right to end things, particularly when you can say with certainty that you won't feel that way about him again. Ask him to keep your confidence as to why you don't love him like that while you get chance to get your head round things. Then look for support groups who can help you if you feel you need them.

One thing at once. Good luck. You're incredibly brave and one day I'm sure you'll look back and think this was the toughest time ever but the right thing.