What the fuck have I done.

[Properlyfuckedup]

I’m gay. I’m 38 and I’ve just admitted it to myself. What the fuck have I done to my life, to my husband’s life, to my children’s lives. I love him. But not in the right way. I fucking hate myself right now. Absolutely loathe myself. What kind of a fucking bitch does this. I can either ruin my family’s lives, or lie to them and accept misery for the rest of my own life. I hate both options. I can’t stand this. I don’t want to do this.

Nope, I’m pretty sure I’m just a lesbian. There have been so many glaring signs that I’ve not let myself think about.

And look - sexuality is a spectrum and straight/bi/gay are just conveniently labelled boxes but they don't really describe what any individual person's specific sexuality is. You didn't "get it wrong" when you were younger - you loved who you were with then, clearly, enough to overlook the "ideal". And now things are different, and that's OK.

Nope, I’m pretty sure I’m just a lesbian. There have been so many glaring signs that I’ve not let myself think about

I am a bisexual woman and I find it hard to believe you could put yourself through years of a straight relationship if you were a lesbian.

ukgift I don’t know what to tell you except you’re really, really not helping.

Please do it asap, I know people who have done this in their 50s and it really has meant that their ex partner has far fewer options than if they'd been in their 30s. Honestly, seeing my friend's break down over their ex's homosexuality ,I think it would be far kinder to say you're leaving the marriage because you're unhappy/grown apart and that you also happen to be bisexual. I can honestly say it's mentally ruined my friend, far more than friends who's marriages have broken down through infidelity etc.,3 years on and they're nowhere near getting over it. Just my experience and no need to flame me...i totally get why lits of you will say tell him the truth. Good luck op, leaving a life of lies is definitely the right decision and I am sorry you weren't supported when you were younger.

you don't have to do anything at all.

not just yet at least. Start by seeing your counsellor and take some time and go from there. For your family and your own sake, you need to have calmed down before any next step.
There's no rush is it.

it will be okay, really. Has happened twice in my family and has turned out just fine. Remained close friends and have made marvelous lives for them and their children. It will be okay.

Be kinder to yourself. Please. You did nothing wrong.

Hi OP,
Is there any chance you could be a combination of bi- and not fancying your DH at the moment and feeling that you must therefore be 'fully lesbian' (if that makes sense, and I do realise it sounds a bit ridiculous)?
Not sure that's helpful, really, but a thought.
Had you had relationships with women before meeting your DH?

One of my relatives found herself in this position. They split but remain best friends, both having new partners but spending special occasions together as a whole blended family. All kids turned out great. Grown ups are happy too. It's not a disaster and you have glorious children thanks to your marriage, don't regret it, but don't feel imprisoned by your decision, you are allowed to strive for happiness.

Be kind to yourself, but be kind to him too, and maybe you can come out of this as a strong family just a bit different than average.

Congratulations on being this brave and honest with yourself. Let me offer you a thought experiment.

How would you feel if your husband sat you down for a serious chat once the kids were asleep, and said, there's something I've got to tell you: I still love you very much, but not in that way, I've realised I'm gay. I'm not in love with anyone else, I haven't had sex with anyone else, my highest priority is as it has always been the wellbeing and happiness of our children. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I know I will, and I know that the next few months are not going to be easy, and I am so sorry for that. But I need you to know the truth because I respect you too much to deceive you, and I can't hold it in any more. I imagine this must be a shock for you. I don't know what to do next. I've been talking to a counsellor for the past few weeks, and I've tentatively booked us a session with a couples counsellor next week, although of course that's completely up to you. I love you, you're a good person and a good parent to our children, and I want to find a way through this.

What would you say to your husband then?

He may react to your announcement with shock and disbelief and hostility. Or he might react with a surprising lack of surprise ("I knew something was up") and with compassion and practicality. Get support for yourself, just in case it's the former, but know that he may not see you in the negative light in which you are describing yourself.

Some couples stick together under the most unlikely (to outsiders) of circumstances, and make things work for them. Some split very amicably.

Here are some items I found on Google that might help:
www.amazon.co.uk/Lesbian-Epiphanies-Coming-Haworth-Studies/dp/1560239646?tag=mumsnetforum-21
www.theguardian.com/world/2016/sep/09/love-is-always-complicated-elizabeth-gilbert-and-the-rise-of-later-in-life-lesbians
www.sbs.com.au/news/the-feed/late-blooming-lesbians-the-rise-of-middle-aged-women-coming-out
alatelifelesbianstory.com/tag/lesbian-moms/
www.yourtango.com/experts/mary-malia/lesbian-mom

Good luck!

Do it with grace and dignity. Consider everyone's feelings. But be true to yourself.

Lots of good advice (and one singularly unhelpful person) on this thread.

Do not beat yourself up. We live in a society where heterosexuality is still so much pushed as "the right thing" that it's not surprising some people don't realise till later on in life that they're gay. It happens. It has always happened.

I have known several people not realise they were gay until post marriage and children. I have known adult children of people in this situation. Yes, it will be messy and painful - but (the important bit) it will come right in the end.

Agree with a PP - you don't have to rush anything. Talk to your counsellor first.

But - the important bit - tell your husband. Not right this instant, give yourself time to process it yourself and think through the options and the best way to tell him. But do it soon-ish. Better to manage it now, with honesty and dignity and kindness, than in a mess in a few years time if you meet the love of your life. Yes it will hurt him (and you - do not underestimate the pain that comes with being the one initiating the split) but it is the right thing to do.

Well, you have had children, which, in so many ways, is the very opposite of selfish - and is totally brilliant, for both you and your DH, whatever happens next. You both have your lovely DC.

Then, ending the relationship because of this is sooo much less hurtful for him than it ending because of an affair, or any of the other horribleness it's possible to read about on here. It is the very definition of 'it's not you it's me'.

I think you will both be able to move on and be ok.

This happened within my family when my cousin realised she was gay and it all worked out fine in the end.
She is married to her partner (of 10years) and all of their children are best friends.
Ex husbands frequently turn up for xmas dinners and birthdays with their new partners.
It is honestly fine.
You are who you are OP and you have to be honest with yourself and with him.

I’ve been on the other end of this situation, almost exactly. Once you have come to terms with it yourself, tell your husband. I was shocked, but in a way, not surprised. It almost came as a relief. I always knew something wasn’t quite right but couldn’t put my finger on it. When it comes to making decisions about what you’re going to do, put your children at the very heart of it.

For us this meant that, as far as possible, we wouldn’t disrupt their lives. I stayed in the family home and he moved close by to a place where he could have them overnight. They were able to stay at the same schools and do the same hobbies. We worked very hard to remain friends (that took some doing in the early stages). In one sense it wasn’t so hard as that’s what we’d become before the split. We’re now five years on and we have new partners, both of whom the kids get on well with and love. He has become a much better father as he makes more of an effort to be involved, and sees them most days. We even all go out together for family birthdays, and he often stays for a coffee when he drops them off.

He’s much happier now, and a great friend - the way it probably always should have been. It’s not perfect, but then nothing is, and if it was it would be boring, but the kids are happy, healthy, and thriving. Good luck, it will be hard, but it means he’ll be able to meet someone who loves him the way he deserves, and you’ll be happier not having to hide who you are anymore.

(Sorry, that turned into a bit of an essay)

There’s two things here. One is coming to terms with the new idea of being gay. That’ll take time, and counselling.

The second issue is what you are going to do about it. There are loads of options. Not all options are obvious to you now, that’ll take time.

You are stressed out, so you’ve squashed the two issues into one, in fact you’ve raced ahead to having retrospectively caused everyone heartbreak. None of this is true. Calm yourself, let time be your friend. Absolutely nothing needs to be done or decided today.

Let the drama and stress seep out of you. Everyone will be grateful (eventually) that you didn’t drop bombshells in this state.

Good luck on your new journey.

Hey, people leave relationships for a multitude of reasons, being gay and true to yourself is yours. You never set out to hurt this man so stop hating yourself.

Breathe.

You are in the eye of the storm right now, remember that. Things will ease, you know this will get better.

A very good friend of mine decided she was gay, well bi I suppose after 12 years with her husband (less than 2 married). They had no kids I might add so there wasn’t that added complication. She told her husband how she felt and he let her go off to “explore” being a lesbian on the side, he turned a blind eye. No surprises that her “exploring” basically ended up with her falling in love with a girl and leaving her husband for her. It made her husband look like such a mug, he sat there waiting for her to come back, when she was enjoying the excitement of a new relationship rubbing it in his face. I still feel awful for him.

I think whatever you do you are going to hurt someone a lot, either yourself living a lie or your husband and children telling them. Shit situation either way really. Just don’t do what my friend did dating on the side (even with the husband’s permission) it was dam right mean.

I just want to say I really appreciate all the replies here. I’m reading them and absorbing them. I’m sorry I posted in such a panic. I’m going to take some deep breaths, and go to bed. Thank you all.

I know it seems terrible now but it can get better.

The same thing happened to my cousin. It was a really rough few years and the kids chose to live with their Dad for a while. However, a few years down the line, my cousin is in a long term relationship with a woman and they’ve adopted two children, she’s still friends with her ex-husband who is remarrying and very much in love and she is in regular contact with all her kids and does full time childcare for her first grandchild. They are all delightfully happy. Five years ago it was very very different and nobody could have imagined how well things could work out. Counselling is a great first step.

@Properlyfuckedup

I’ve seen this happen a few times. It doesn’t make you a bad person at all.

One friend came out in his late 20s. He was almost suicidal over it, and he was single! It’s tough whatever the circumstances. FWIW, we weren’t shocked. We all knew, really.

Second friend - came out after being married for 15 years and having two DC. His DW had a breakdown, but it wasn’t the only cause of it. She recovered, and he’s now happily married to a man.

I honestly would go and see a counsellor before you discuss it with your DH - you need to tell him but counselling will help you get your head straight first.

Good luck.

I did it OP. Came out after 10 yrs of marriage and two children. Wasn’t the greatest time of my life but it’s 12 yrs later now and so glad I did it. I know other women too who have done the same.
Don’t hate yourself; internalised and societal homophobia mean it’s incredibly hard to come out in a mainly heterosexual society. This, and the myths and stereotypes surrounding homosexuals can make it confusing and scary to admit that you’re gay.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It won’t be easy (well, it might be - but usually it’s a bit of a journey) I was in my forties when it all happened for me so quite a shock for family and friends but they’ve all recovered, I’ve had a ton of support, and everyone is okay - inc. exH and inc. the children.

This happened to a friend of mine, she was pretty much in your situation. Initially it was a huge shock for her husband and kids, but a few years later everyone gets along really well, including her new partner. One of her parents was upset at first but they've come round now. Be kind to yourself, you didn't choose this remember, and it's no one's fault. You're not the first, and you won't be the last! A therapist or counsellor can be a huge help.

I am a bisexual woman and I find it hard to believe you could put yourself through years of a straight relationship if you were a lesbian.

^Completely agree. The lesbians I know couldn’t bear to have a physical relationship with a man whatsoever.