Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Increasing conflict between DH and DM

125 replies

Oceanosca · 27/02/2019 21:44

An argument has not occurred yet but I feel there may be one brewing.

DM lives around 150 miles away and visits monthly, we don't visit her as she rents out her spare room to a friend.
She tends to visit for 1-2 nights each month and during her visits she sees my elderly grandmother and my sister too. She also shops for my grandmother and cleans her house. I have 2 DCs also. So she has a lot to squeeze in to a very short time frame.

DH is getting increasingly frustrated that DM does not do more to help us with childcare when she visits. DM is unreliable at times and will cancel and rearrange visits or is often late to arrive and early to leave so it affects me too as I miss her and feel rejected at times.

However, DH is more annoyed that DM does not do enough to relieve DH of doing his share of the responsibilties at home, such as DC1s bedtime during visits.

I BF DC2 so am busy doing his bedtime, DH usually puts DC1 to bed (5 year age gap so he has a big boy story etc). When DM visits DH will assume DM will put DC1 to bed so that he can go out or work on his car etc. But DM will often leave before bedtime, often to visit my grandmother, but I too think that she perhaps finds the bedtime routine a bit mundane.

Sometimes DH will leave the house shortly before bedtime so that DM has to help me and she has voiced her frustrations that he just assumes she will take over from him. DH keeps complaining to me that DM should want to do more with the DCs such as bedtime when she visits and compares her to his very helpful, very generous parents.

I have always known that DM is unreliable, but the constant comparing to DH's parents and his expectations of her is getting me down. I wish she was different but she's not and I feel better accepting that. She loves her grandchildren but she's just not that practically hands-on or maternal. I do enjoy her company though when she's here and I can talk to her.

DM also supported me recently after DH left a DIY job uncompleted which posed a danger to myself and DCs. She very diplomatically and casually pinpointed the issues, but he gave her the silent treatment all evening. I was relieved that she spoke up as he completed the job right away and it had been causing me a lot of anxiety. But I couldn't face the conflict that would unravel if I were to confront him. DH then commented that he thought it rude for DM to point this out to him when she's never around herself.

Is DH right to be frustrated at my DMs lack of help with the DCs during visits? Or is he wrong to assume she will take over and relieve him of his responsibilities? He will often do his hobbies or go out with friends on the assumption that DM will somehow fill his place. I empathise with my DM for getting increasingly annoyed with DH's assumptions and expectations of her, yet in comparison to PILs, she does very little to help us.

They are both annoyed with each other yet only voice their issues to me and I'm confused. Nobody however seems to be that bothered about giving me a break!

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2019 21:50

No he isnt to be fair a grandparents role isnt to relieve a parent of responsibilities to enable him to do his car ffs she is there to visit

And yes at the heart of it you are left with no one thinking about you - I bet he never thinks anyone should take that from you

In effect he is an arse

Weenurse · 27/02/2019 21:52

She is not there to take over parenting. She is there to look after her own mother and getting to visit you is a bonus. You need to talk to her about this and ask what she wants to do.
He needs to realise that he is the parent and not to shirk his responsibilities. His child is his responsibility. Explain that DM is already cramming in a lot during her visits and she does not want to do bed time routine.
I think he just assumes that she will help like his parents do.
Explain that this is not the case.

curlykaren · 27/02/2019 21:55

Sorry but your DH sounds like an arse and your Mum sounds like she has a lot on her plate!

FairyMoppings · 27/02/2019 21:56

Your DH is being unreasonable. Your DM is not visiting to take over his parental duties, nor should she have to.

Holidayshopping · 27/02/2019 21:58

When DM visits DH will assume DM will put DC1 to bed so that he can go out or work on his car etc

WTF!

Your DH is an arse.

nombrecambio · 27/02/2019 21:59

She travels 300 miles (round trip) once a month to visit you. Whilst there she looks after her own mother. She also visits your sister.

These visits must be incredibly tiring for her.

Your husband is being very rude to her and to you.

DH is more annoyed that DM does not do enough to relieve DH of doing his share of the responsibilties at home

Your husband sounds selfish and misogynistic.

NigellaAwesome · 27/02/2019 22:00

Your DH sounds very entitled. Why should she take over his responsibilities? I suppose a lot also depends on whether she is sitting waiting for her dinner to be made and waited on, but your post doesn't sound like it.

She does sound like she has a lot on her plate. All that after travelling each way once a month.

Is it a lot of hassle to have her to stay or is she fairly low maintenance?

DulciUke · 27/02/2019 22:00

Sorry, OP, but your DH sounds like a jerk. He's resenting her because she isn't acting as a free babysitter. It is not your mother's job to take over his parental responsibilities when she comes to visit. If she spent her entire visit at your place, lounging around on the sofa, well yes, she could perhaps help out a little. But she's helping her elderly mother and visiting your sister all in a very short amount of time.

But I couldn't face the conflict that would unravel if I were to confront him. This seems like a major red flag in your relationship.

I empathise with my DM for getting increasingly annoyed with DH's assumptions and expectations of her, yet in comparison to PILs, she does very little to help us. Are the PILs in a similar situation? Are they doing 1-2 night visits, during which they are helping their own elderly mother and trying to fit in a short visit with other relatives? I think that your husband's expectations of being given a free pass as a parent just because MIL has come for a visit quite bizarre.

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2019 22:00

Yes it is interesting its HIS share - not YOUR share. And what exactly is his share

Mrskeats · 27/02/2019 22:01

You are scared to challenge your husband. It’s not your mum that’s the problem.

sackrifice · 27/02/2019 22:03

It's not her job, she is visiting not an unpaid servant to your husband. He needs to pull his finger out and do his share of the parenting.

Original poster

Oceanosca · 27/02/2019 22:04

I'm not scared of him. He never shouts. He never acts in a threatening way. But he has an answer and an argument for everything and I can't face the battles.

OP posts:

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/02/2019 22:04

He's an entitled arse

ohfourfoxache · 27/02/2019 22:04

Your husband is a cuntweasel.

Your mum sounds very busy on these visits.

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2019 22:06

he doesnt need to shout or threaten - that does mean he isnt controlling and unpleasant.

You wont challenge him - why not what do you think will happen. Because unanimously it is him not your Mum

Original poster

Oceanosca · 27/02/2019 22:08

His assumption had come from me requesting that he doesn't spend full days away doing his hobby at the weekends unless DM is already here to help/keep me company with the DCs.

But this seems to have morphed into him finding something else to do each and everytime she visits, no matter how little time she has.

Sometimes,I think she could try a bit more. I do cook for her when she's here etc, but she helps my grandmother a lot and is very tired after running around after everyone.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 27/02/2019 22:09

Remind him she isn't the free family dogsbody!!

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2019 22:10

he shouldnt be spending full days away anyway - he needs to step up

The thing is whether your mum should do more is completely separate to the fact you have a clear husband issue

Redwinestillfine · 27/02/2019 22:12

Your DH is being unreasonable. When your DM visits he should carry on as usual as if she wasn't there. It's not her job to take over bedtime. Can you not have a word to this effect?

Grace212 · 27/02/2019 22:17

erm...what? He is a total arse. She doesn't visit to relieve him of...being a parent!

SandAndSea · 27/02/2019 22:25

It's always hard to say for sure but I also think your dh sounds unreasonable here.

It's just not your mum's responsibility to put the chn to bed etc. (Though, personally, I'd love to be reading stories etc, I understand it's not everyone's thing.)

I think it's relevant that she makes what sounds like a considerable effort to come and see you all.

I would also urge you all to be mindful of how stressful it can be to have elderly parents to care for. It sounds like your mum is already doing a lot during her short visits.

All that said, I think I would consider asking her if she could stay for longer at some point so that you can spend more quality time together.

MilesHuntsWig · 27/02/2019 22:34

Why should she? Sounds like she's doing enough for her mum without allowing him to do his hobby. As others have said... what a selfish arse.

SandAndSea · 27/02/2019 22:43

Just to clarify, I meant so that the OP could spend some more quality time with her mum as she misses her.

SchpockyEars · 27/02/2019 22:43

Your dh sounds like a prize prick, and you also seem to be on cloud cuckoo-land if I'm being honest. You say you feel she could do more to help yet she is coming to visit, looks after your grandmother, cleans and shops for her. Why is no one helping your mother out so that she can actually spend a little more time with your dc?

Your dh sounds utterly selfish. I loathe men like him, men who are so quick to shirk their responsibilities and hand them over to a woman to deal with.

Wandastartup · 27/02/2019 22:44

Is there any reason you can’t put both children to bed yourself?( not that I think he shouldn’t help of course)

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread