Increasing conflict between DH and DM

[Oceanosca]

An argument has not occurred yet but I feel there may be one brewing.

DM lives around 150 miles away and visits monthly, we don't visit her as she rents out her spare room to a friend.
She tends to visit for 1-2 nights each month and during her visits she sees my elderly grandmother and my sister too. She also shops for my grandmother and cleans her house. I have 2 DCs also. So she has a lot to squeeze in to a very short time frame.

DH is getting increasingly frustrated that DM does not do more to help us with childcare when she visits. DM is unreliable at times and will cancel and rearrange visits or is often late to arrive and early to leave so it affects me too as I miss her and feel rejected at times.

However, DH is more annoyed that DM does not do enough to relieve DH of doing his share of the responsibilties at home, such as DC1s bedtime during visits.

I BF DC2 so am busy doing his bedtime, DH usually puts DC1 to bed (5 year age gap so he has a big boy story etc). When DM visits DH will assume DM will put DC1 to bed so that he can go out or work on his car etc. But DM will often leave before bedtime, often to visit my grandmother, but I too think that she perhaps finds the bedtime routine a bit mundane.

Sometimes DH will leave the house shortly before bedtime so that DM has to help me and she has voiced her frustrations that he just assumes she will take over from him. DH keeps complaining to me that DM should want to do more with the DCs such as bedtime when she visits and compares her to his very helpful, very generous parents.

I have always known that DM is unreliable, but the constant comparing to DH's parents and his expectations of her is getting me down. I wish she was different but she's not and I feel better accepting that. She loves her grandchildren but she's just not that practically hands-on or maternal. I do enjoy her company though when she's here and I can talk to her.

DM also supported me recently after DH left a DIY job uncompleted which posed a danger to myself and DCs. She very diplomatically and casually pinpointed the issues, but he gave her the silent treatment all evening. I was relieved that she spoke up as he completed the job right away and it had been causing me a lot of anxiety. But I couldn't face the conflict that would unravel if I were to confront him. DH then commented that he thought it rude for DM to point this out to him when she's never around herself.

Is DH right to be frustrated at my DMs lack of help with the DCs during visits? Or is he wrong to assume she will take over and relieve him of his responsibilities? He will often do his hobbies or go out with friends on the assumption that DM will somehow fill his place. I empathise with my DM for getting increasingly annoyed with DH's assumptions and expectations of her, yet in comparison to PILs, she does very little to help us.

They are both annoyed with each other yet only voice their issues to me and I'm confused. Nobody however seems to be that bothered about giving me a break!

It's so weird that he requires chores from a visitor. Does he require this of visiting friends too? Just because she is the grandmother doesn't mean that she has to do anything. Your DH is massively unreasonable.

baffled by posters saying DM treats the place like a hotel

she is visiting once a month. I have a friend who visits once a month. I cook for them etc. It doesn't make me a hotel. Clearly the DM here also helps the DGM so has a lot to fit in.

Also, OP, it is very sad that your DH left the house in a dangerous state and got angry when your DM pointed it out.

Your DM has sussed your DH out.

He knows it.

Hobbies take a back seat when you have babies and young children.

They can be picked up when the kids are older (or maybe even involve the kids in them).

Your husband needs to realise this.bits not your or your mother's or his parents role to look.after his kids so he can do his hobby.

Your poor mum! It's really good of her to make the long journey and visit every month. If it wasn't for her travelling you'd never see her (couldn't you visit her and stay in a B and B occasionally?). She sounds like a good person using her time and energy to be with her family and help her mum out. Not all grandparents are the same. My DHs family are extremely hands on. They simply love getting involved in the bedtime routine, making food for the kids, doing their baths etc. My parents are different and sound more like you're mum. They love seeing their grandchildren and make time for them but they never get involved at bedtimes or the more mundane things like cooking for them. Like your mum they just enjoy your company but that's it. I think your husband is being very unfair. It sounds like your mum has a lot on her plate and is simply different to his parents. It's great if his folks love getting involved in the nitty gritty but not everyone is naturally like that. Given that your mum's pressed for time and had other commitments she should definitely just relax and enjoy your kids when she sees them - not be put to work!

It also sounds like your husband had you under his thumb. He argues in a way that makes you feel you can never win (or even just get him to see your viewpoint or compromise), he pushes you down, regardless of whether he uses no aggression to do so.
He knows he's got you in that position, he created it and takes advantage of it. It's seriously off that you couldn't broach unsafe unfinished DIY with him.

Thankyou all for responding.

To clarify a few points, not really to defend but to make clear:

DM does not always stay with us when she visits, she usually alternates between my sister, us and my GM. We all live quite close together, maybe 15 minutes drive between each house.

Yes, DM chose to move away around 8 years ago to be closer to a boyfriend at the time.

When DM is here she has a lot on with GM. However she is very unreliable in terms of planning/arranging visits. We will often set a side a weekend for when she does visit to spend time with her and she will cancel at the last minute and rearrange for other days that are very inconvenient when we have a lot of other things on. This frustrates both of us. Me because I miss her and want quality time when I see her and DH because he uses the time when she visits to do other things and plan things in.

DH does fuss her to some extent when she visits, he or I will cook for her and he always makes sure she has a drink to hand etc.

I feared the bedtime thing would come up. Why can't I put both DCs to bed?! kind of not the point at all here, especially as I never get a break but hey ho... DC2 has additional issues, so his bedtime alone takes 1 hour and it becomes very stressful with DC1 to tend to at the same time. I of course, do it alone at times, but would always choose not to as I usually have 2 very over-tired upset children by the end of almost 2 hours. Also with a big age gap, they have different stories and different needs. It's my perogative to want to avpid the stress of double bedtime. Yes, people manage it all the time, Welldone. But I don't manage it very well at all.

DH believes I over-react so wouldn't listen to my concerns without a stressful battle over it. Getting DM to say something means that he will listen and my children are safe. Not ideal, but atleast the danger has been eliminated.

Ok op, next time he highlights the difference between your parents, smile sweetly and say it’s six of one half a dozen of the other. I got more helpful pil but you got a wife who does most stuff anyway. By the way, at least you appreciate your parents, I’m less sure you value your wife.

I actually think the problem here is his parents helping out or treating him like a child and doing everything for him. Perhaps mention that DM can do this stuff FOR him but it means he would have to go and bed bath granny and do her shopping see if he fancies that swap

Then it sounds as if the best thing to do is try to arrange better advance planning of the visits?

When do you get a break, though, OP? Your DH arranges to do hobby things outside the home when your mother is visiting, but that's not a break for you, it's you at home with two small children and your mother.

And I'm still uneasy at the dynamic you describe between you and your DH -- where your mother has to step in and ask him to complete a task on safety grounds, because you couldn't face the 'conflict' if you raised it, or because he would dismiss you?

I note that your husband sometimes spends the full day at weekends on his hobby . I trust that you also have a hobby which takes you the same number of weekend days, while you husband looks after his own children ?

I’d not, I suggest you get one right now. Even if it’s going for a swim alone and then reading a magazine in a coffee shop.

17 months between my kids. One with severe SEN AND ASD. Husband works away or doesn't get home til 9/10pm. Bedtimes were the worst time of the day for years, it took hours. I dreaded them. Absolutely get as much help as you can with them.
Stop pandering to your DH. You have a voice - use it! Your mother's involvement is neither here nor there - although you again need to speak up about her changing dates as it makes your life harder.
Bedtimes for the foreseeable are your husbands responsibility. It won't be forever and it will get easier - you are just in the worst of stages of it now.

Also not good OP to use your mum as you are doing to make your husband do....that is one of the worst things being undermined in a marriage.You need to stop keeping him in his place with the threat of running to your mum and getting her to shame/brow beat him into doing something....thats really not good.

Even though your children have two capable parents he thinks he should be able to go out and your mum should take over leaving HER elderly mother without help!

Explain to him how would he feel if when your kids are older their partners say he has to look after the grandkids so they can go out, leaving HIS parents without any help?

Surely you must feel he is unreasonable and what your own grandma to get as much help as possible?

I am honestly upset on your behalf that your husband puts his hobby ahead of your grandma!

DH is unreasonable.

Grandparents are not there to take over responsibilities. They are there to enjoy their grandchildren. They've done their time as parents. Anything extra they do is a lovely, kind gesture from them.

Your DM is looking after an elderly woman. It's exhausting caring for someone. Your DGM will not be there forever and your DM probably values her time with her in a way that is slightly different to the time she has with you and your sister (whilst finding it hugely emotionally taxing and stressful at the same time).

My DM lives 60 miles away. I get to see her once a month maybe. I would never expect her to do bedtime. Or bath time. She should have cuddles and fun with DS. Maybe feed him, if she wanted to, but that's about it. He is our responsibility, not hers.

OH's parents see him at least once a week and take him for a few hours. They also never do bedtime or bath time and again, we would never expect them to. They would be most welcome if they asked but there is never that expectation.

I would find it terribly rude if my OH expected my parents to do something just to alleviate his responsibilities - an entirely selfish endeavour.

When do his parents take over to alleviate you of your duties btw?

I never get a break

This is the problem and your 'DH ' should be the one relieving you not random visitors who happen to be family.

Did you expect him to be like this with household and child care?

You and your DH aren't a true team. He sees that the DC are your job, he needs his hobby and respite time and you don't deserve the same...

And actually, if your mum were to help any of you, it would be you, not your lazy entitled idiot of a husband!

I feel a bit of a quandary here as while l agree how you are describing your DH he sounds an arse, however what else is going on? Agree with pp that it's not fair to go to your mum to get her to 'sort him out' and I don't think l would like a relative coming and using my home as a base to suit their needs every month and be expected to marvel at how wonderful they were helping and visiting everyone else, and then being expected to have things cancelled and rearranged last minute, but that's fine as 'thats just how they are'.

Her Mum stays with different people not just the op? It sounds like her Mum is spread thinly - everyone wants help from her/to spend time with her?

Her Mum is still entitled to her own life and why would she want to miss out on x y z to travel to help out her own Mum etc if she can swap? It's a tough balance to get right especially with the travel involved and it sounds like her Mum has financial concerns if she's having to rent out her spare room?

Your DH is being an arse. Your DM is there to visit, she isn't your unpaid help.

It would never occur to DH or me that my DM or MIL should help with the bedtime routine.

Your update gives NO reason why dh can't do the bedtime routine.

As you say DM stays with you once a month and alternates with sis and gm does that mean she's making that long journey 3 times a month?

I also note you didn't answer my and others queries re who helps your gm out when your mum isn't there?

"When DM is here she has a lot on with GM" why is there so much for her to do with this if you and sis are within 15 of gm the rest of the time?

I can appreciate her changing dates last min might be inconvenient in terms of organising for her to stay and clearing your schedule for her BUT it's not acceptable your dh takes umbridge at it affecting his plans in terms of not being able to ditch the parenting that weekend!

"DH does fuss her to some extent when she visits, he or I will cook for her and he always makes sure she has a drink to hand etc" that's not fussing that's normal for how you treat guests!

Your dh not listening to you, respecting what you say enough to sort a danger to DC is NOT your mothers problem! That's you having a dh problem that YOU need to sort. Using her to "discipline" your husband is ridiculous! It's going to undermine your relationship and as your already seeing make him resent her.

You've also still not said what the pil actually do?

And you not getting a break isn't your mothers fault either. Why isn't your dh stepping up? With 2 such small children inc one with additional needs hobbies need to go out the window for now to be completely honest! He's being a selfish Dick and needs to quit it!

DH because he uses the time when she visits to do other things and plan things in

It sounds like he is just using her for childcare!

What do his parents do that is so amazing?

Your DH isn’t coming across well here.

Graphista- "2 small DCs, one with additional needs" there is your answer regarding what I do for GM when DM is not here. I can already see where your conclusions are leading with that one. We visit her as much as possible,but I've enough going on at home without the expectation for me to care for GM too. Infact, many of your nosey, unnecessary questions are out to get me it seems to turn the blame on me. Hence I'm not answering them.

Actually what I'm saying is that you and your husband are both being unreasonable in expecting your mum to do more than she already is! To understand and appreciate how much she's already doing within the family.

I ASKED perfectly reasonable questions about the overall situation, including asking for further explanation on factors YOU first mentioned (pil doing a lot, gm care, sis nearby) and I wasn't the only person asking those questions/querying how much your husband does.

I asked what I did in part to get a clear idea of exactly who is doing what.

Because to be perfectly honest it's very much looking like your husband does precious little and you're getting defensive because you don't want to admit that and deal with that!

As your username only links to this thread you're either a new mn user or you're an old one under a name change.

From your posting style I'm guessing name change, and if so then you know how mn works, but if you are a new user then if you check other threads you'll find it's not unusual for posters to ask for more information to better understand the full situation in order to hopefully give the best advice.

Getting rude and defensive with me isn't going to help you sort this, I'm not the one shirking my family responsibilities to leave you doing more.

But if you can't appreciate the advice you're being given then tbh you don't deserve it.

What did you expect? Just a "poor you you're so hard done by and caught in the middle how horrible"?

What does that achieve? Precisely nothing.