Increasing conflict between DH and DM

[Oceanosca]

An argument has not occurred yet but I feel there may be one brewing.

DM lives around 150 miles away and visits monthly, we don't visit her as she rents out her spare room to a friend.
She tends to visit for 1-2 nights each month and during her visits she sees my elderly grandmother and my sister too. She also shops for my grandmother and cleans her house. I have 2 DCs also. So she has a lot to squeeze in to a very short time frame.

DH is getting increasingly frustrated that DM does not do more to help us with childcare when she visits. DM is unreliable at times and will cancel and rearrange visits or is often late to arrive and early to leave so it affects me too as I miss her and feel rejected at times.

However, DH is more annoyed that DM does not do enough to relieve DH of doing his share of the responsibilties at home, such as DC1s bedtime during visits.

I BF DC2 so am busy doing his bedtime, DH usually puts DC1 to bed (5 year age gap so he has a big boy story etc). When DM visits DH will assume DM will put DC1 to bed so that he can go out or work on his car etc. But DM will often leave before bedtime, often to visit my grandmother, but I too think that she perhaps finds the bedtime routine a bit mundane.

Sometimes DH will leave the house shortly before bedtime so that DM has to help me and she has voiced her frustrations that he just assumes she will take over from him. DH keeps complaining to me that DM should want to do more with the DCs such as bedtime when she visits and compares her to his very helpful, very generous parents.

I have always known that DM is unreliable, but the constant comparing to DH's parents and his expectations of her is getting me down. I wish she was different but she's not and I feel better accepting that. She loves her grandchildren but she's just not that practically hands-on or maternal. I do enjoy her company though when she's here and I can talk to her.

DM also supported me recently after DH left a DIY job uncompleted which posed a danger to myself and DCs. She very diplomatically and casually pinpointed the issues, but he gave her the silent treatment all evening. I was relieved that she spoke up as he completed the job right away and it had been causing me a lot of anxiety. But I couldn't face the conflict that would unravel if I were to confront him. DH then commented that he thought it rude for DM to point this out to him when she's never around herself.

Is DH right to be frustrated at my DMs lack of help with the DCs during visits? Or is he wrong to assume she will take over and relieve him of his responsibilities? He will often do his hobbies or go out with friends on the assumption that DM will somehow fill his place. I empathise with my DM for getting increasingly annoyed with DH's assumptions and expectations of her, yet in comparison to PILs, she does very little to help us.

They are both annoyed with each other yet only voice their issues to me and I'm confused. Nobody however seems to be that bothered about giving me a break!

If your DH was worried about your DM doing more for YOU that would be one thing. But he thinks she should be doing more for HIM.

Which, frankly, seems not very nice given how hard she seems to work and that she has a lodger and doesn’t sound like she gets much of a break ever.

Is he willing to clean and shop for your grandma on the other 27 days of the month your mums not around?

I bet the answer is no!

Also do you get to have full days for your hobbies/activities away from your DH and children?

I think perhaps he's confused the term MIL with Mary Poppins

Sorry OP, another one who thinks your DH sounds horrible, entitled and selfish. Your poor mum. Even if she didn't have anything else to do it's not her job to take over his responsibilities. She's a guest at his house. If he wants a favour he'd need to ask and she'd have to say yes. To leave so she has to take over is waaay out of order.

He is not right to be frustrated your mother comes to visit for one or two days and seems to have a lot to do in that time he shouldn't just assume she'll pick up his slack as well as everything else she is doing.

I loathe men like him, men who are so quick to shirk their responsibilities and hand them over to a woman to deal with.

This is exactly how I feel. He wants to go off and do his hobbies and for women to take over his responsibilities while he does so.

Frankly, if I were your mum, I'd do what I could to help you, if I was going to help anyone. It seems like she's busy enough with her elderly mother, though. Does your husband ever help out your grandmother to make life easier for your mum?

And it sounds as though his mum and dad help/enable him anyway - what more does he want?

Your husband is a cunt plain and simple.
You should be able to put 2 kids to bed unless they have additional needs (is there a drip feed coming? )
If it comes to an argument grow a backbone and stick up for the woman who raised you and spends her time actually helping people instead of bitching about their 'hobby' time.

A 300 mile round trip is not easy as you get older (in my experience anyway). Once a month is quite a lot and she’s packing a lot in when she visits - helping her own mum and cleaning will add to the tiredness.

Your DH needs to accept that your DM is different to his parents. Also do his parents look after DC as a team - it’s easier if there are two of them.

Your DH is being very, very unreasonable.

You DM has a filled schedule when she visits and it's unfair for your DH to pile more work onto her.

He's an arse, who seems to be happy to piss off and indulge a hobby, or just 'leave the house' to make some kind of point.

Tell him to be a Dad FFS.

I am afraid you married an arsehole. Next time his parents are helping, make sure you go out and leave them to take your load not his. And don’t accept this attitude - you are allowed to have an opinion, you don’t just have to put up with his!

I agree that your H is being unreasonable, he sees your Mum as a skivvy to do his parenting for the weekend with zero thought to her or you...

If his parents are so wonderful they can come more often and he can host them whilst they are with you.

Your DM is your DHs MIL not his servant and both of you need to make this plain to him

Your husband is being unreasonable and very entitled. They're his children and his responsibility. It's lovely when grandparents help, but there is no obligation on them to do so. I'm guessing that your poor mum is tired out after the long drive and doing stuff for your grandma. It's totally fair enough if she doesn't feel willing or able to take on any significant childcare duties on top.

This is a DH problem. Presumably checking on her own mum is the main reason for your mum's regular visits. He's being an arse. Even if she did babysit, why would she relieve him, rather than you?

Another one saying it's your DH. Your mum has quite enough to do and bedtime routine is not her responsibility.

You say you're not scared of him...but you were unable to talk to him about something that was a safety hazard to your children.

You say it was avoiding conflict.. but the bottom line is you couldn't do it. He knows it was a danger, but only did something when your mum pointed it out...then he says she's never there. She was saying it for the safety of her DGC.

If it was me, I'd tell him you don't want to hear any more about his views on your DM. It's not her responsibility to take over from him. He needs to stop comparing, or I'm sure you can find a number of other husbands to compare him to.

I'm sure his parents don't have as much on their plate and even if they do... good for them. Parents are all different and have different commitments.

You do sound scared of him, OP. You were ‘relieved’ when our mother pointed out the danger of the uncompleted DIY job, because you don’t seem to have felt able to say it yourself. (And even then he gave her the silent treatment.) He’s monstrously selfish, and appears to feel his wife and MIL’s role is to take over his parenting so he can have time to himself.

Has it occurred to you that your DM is deliberately not making herself available to help with bedtime because it enables your DH’s entitled behaviour and lazy parenting?

Your dh is so far up his own arse he could check for tonsillitis. Why the fuck should your mother be picking up his slack?!

When she's staying with you she has a hell of a lot on yet you both seem to think she should be taking over one or the other of you's responsibilities? I would never expect my mother to cook for me or to do any childcare unless it was because she chose to spend time with dc. Bedtime routines can be frustrating and tiring for anyone but the parent (even them sometimes!) if dc are anything like mine as they want extra stories, extra long bath, extra songs etc etc etc..

Your 'D'H is incredibly entitled and selfish, he's treating your mother like his staff and you're basically supporting it.

Your DH is being totally unreasonable. Your DM has a lot on her plate. Yes it would be nice if she read your DC bedtime story but just as a nice thing not just so your DH can go and do something else.

What do your PILs do?

Thinking about this some more

Surely this is a clear cut case of your DH not seeing putting DS1 to bed as in ANY way his job. The only reason he is even doing it now is because you are engaged in BFing DS2
If you were not and when you are not this would be your job and your job solely.

When your DM is present it is quite literally, I have a penis, somebody with a vagina has arrived so I have been absolved of this tedious burden encroaching on "hobby time" by virtue of my superior genitalia

This OP is a red flag 🚩

This may be the first one, it may be the only one but I think one of the conversations you might need to have with your DM is logistics should you find yourself a single mother with a wedding ring, and financially present but otherwise absent spouse

So trying to look at it from another perspective, do you think he views your DM as just coming to stay with you as an easy way to help others and its an imposition. Whereas if she came to visit to actually see you and spend time with you and the dc he would be ok about it? From your OP it does sound like she arrives, dumps her stuff, goes to see/help others, comes home to a meal cooked by you, next days goes to see and help others and then heads back home leaving you with the sheets and clearing up. In which case I can see some of his point. BUT it doesnt absolve him of sounding like a lazy Dad.... is he one, or is he just communicating badly?

Omg your DM comes to see her family. Not to give him a break. Your DM sounds like a gem. She should be getting fussed over at yours not assigned duties!

First response - she's not the bloody nanny! Your kids are your (you & dh) responsibility for you to put to bed etc.

It also sounds like she has a fairly full plate with your grandmother needing support too (who's helping her out when your mum isn't visiting?)

Frankly he sounds a lazy arse!

How much does HE do?

How much do his parents do? And I mean both of them though I suspect you BOTH mean his mum!

They don't owe you this help by the way, you're lucky to get it and it's no excuse for abdicating your (joint) responsibilities.

However, on the DIY job it wasn't her place to comment! You're not a child and neither are you incapable yourself. What was the job? Why couldn't you speak up yourself? Not that you should have to at all but sometimes people are dicks and need it pointing out to them.

If you're really not scared of him get him told! To stop slacking and pull his weight and stop expecting others to cover for him.

If you are scared of him that's a whole other problem. And he doesn't have to shout or threaten to be abusive. If you're second guessing whether to criticise him because you're scared of his reaction you're in a controlling relationship, that's a form of abuse. As is using "the silent treatment"

DH thinks your DM should want to spend more time with the kids he can't be arsed to spend time with? Ok. He's a selfish, misogynist dick.

My DH is far from perfect, but in this scenario would be mixing DM a cocktail and making her a nice dinner so she could relax after a full day of hard (physical & emotional) carer duties. He looked after his own elderly parents and knows how draining it can be (also rewarding).

He’d probably refill the drink, tell DS it was ‘special grandma story night’ and tuck the kid and book alongside her on the sofa.

And then he’d likely bugger off out to work on his hobby in the shed!

Grumping around, making unfounded assumptions and feeling hard done by is never going to get your DH what he wants.

Well, I'll play devils advocate. On a monthly basis he hosts his MIL for at least one night, often two. She doesn't spend a lot of time with you or the children but you cook for her and ask nothing of her. She leaves and you clean up.

He probably feels as though your mum is treating your home like a Premier Inn and could do with mucking in every now and again. Frankly, I see his point.