Increasing conflict between DH and DM

[Oceanosca]

An argument has not occurred yet but I feel there may be one brewing.

DM lives around 150 miles away and visits monthly, we don't visit her as she rents out her spare room to a friend.
She tends to visit for 1-2 nights each month and during her visits she sees my elderly grandmother and my sister too. She also shops for my grandmother and cleans her house. I have 2 DCs also. So she has a lot to squeeze in to a very short time frame.

DH is getting increasingly frustrated that DM does not do more to help us with childcare when she visits. DM is unreliable at times and will cancel and rearrange visits or is often late to arrive and early to leave so it affects me too as I miss her and feel rejected at times.

However, DH is more annoyed that DM does not do enough to relieve DH of doing his share of the responsibilties at home, such as DC1s bedtime during visits.

I BF DC2 so am busy doing his bedtime, DH usually puts DC1 to bed (5 year age gap so he has a big boy story etc). When DM visits DH will assume DM will put DC1 to bed so that he can go out or work on his car etc. But DM will often leave before bedtime, often to visit my grandmother, but I too think that she perhaps finds the bedtime routine a bit mundane.

Sometimes DH will leave the house shortly before bedtime so that DM has to help me and she has voiced her frustrations that he just assumes she will take over from him. DH keeps complaining to me that DM should want to do more with the DCs such as bedtime when she visits and compares her to his very helpful, very generous parents.

I have always known that DM is unreliable, but the constant comparing to DH's parents and his expectations of her is getting me down. I wish she was different but she's not and I feel better accepting that. She loves her grandchildren but she's just not that practically hands-on or maternal. I do enjoy her company though when she's here and I can talk to her.

DM also supported me recently after DH left a DIY job uncompleted which posed a danger to myself and DCs. She very diplomatically and casually pinpointed the issues, but he gave her the silent treatment all evening. I was relieved that she spoke up as he completed the job right away and it had been causing me a lot of anxiety. But I couldn't face the conflict that would unravel if I were to confront him. DH then commented that he thought it rude for DM to point this out to him when she's never around herself.

Is DH right to be frustrated at my DMs lack of help with the DCs during visits? Or is he wrong to assume she will take over and relieve him of his responsibilities? He will often do his hobbies or go out with friends on the assumption that DM will somehow fill his place. I empathise with my DM for getting increasingly annoyed with DH's assumptions and expectations of her, yet in comparison to PILs, she does very little to help us.

They are both annoyed with each other yet only voice their issues to me and I'm confused. Nobody however seems to be that bothered about giving me a break!

If my parents were using my house as a base for two nights every month, I think I'd expect them to read the occasional bedtime story.

From your OP it does sound like she arrives, dumps her stuff, goes to see/help others, comes home to a meal cooked by you, next days goes to see and help others and then heads back home leaving you with the sheets and clearing up.

Yes, that's rather the way I see it from the OP.

You're both being unreasonable. The childcare isn't her responsibility. She's visitng you and other family members, not specifically coming as an unpaid babysitter. You both seem to believe she should be helping more, but ultimately your husband and you need to deal with your own children.

It does sound to me like she treats you like a hotel - that would start to annoy me if she showed little/no interest in my own children.

Tell him to employ a night nanny if he wants someone to relieve him of his responsibilities to parent.

Is there a reason she always stays with you and not your sister or DGM?

He's a prick, OP. Your mother isn't his servant. She's supporting her parent who has no other support. He is doing his job as a father.

Tell him straight. You are letting him blame your mother for what is essentially your fault. By avoiding confrontation and making her tell him about the danger you have made him resent her. Speak up for yourself before it gets worse. Don't leave it to her.

And have a proper conversation about his responsibilities. It isn't your mother's job to enable him to do his hobby. You created the situation, you need to put it right.

The hobby will have to go if you can't manage the DCs on your own.

It's unanimous op. You have a serious show problem!

"But I couldn't face the conflict that would unravel if I were to confront him"

That worries me.

Do you get to do anything nice with your mum? Maybe go out for coffee and cake, on the way to visiting Gran?

As your mum is easier to talk to, try and work out a compromise with her. Then present it to DH- eg.DM is going to help me put the babes to bed, then we are both going out to the cinema.
DM and I took the DC to feed the ducks this morning. She's going to gran's this afternoon.

I suspect he's actually pretty controlling and not reasonable about this at all.

I think you’re both being selfish and problem is both of your sense of entitlement. Your mother is rushing around caring for others like your granny - who must be quite elderly. You and he are sulking because she’s not making you the centre of the universe.

He’s behaving like a spoiled toddler and you are being quite flakey too. Of course he should do his fair share but the idea you can’t put a toddler to bed because you are breastfeeding is simply ridiculous.

You and your husband need to have an adult discussion about distribution of work and your relationship. You need to be grateful you’re mother is kind and compassionate. You need to understand granny’s needs trump both your wishes. Your mother did her bit ;she owes you nothing but you have some duty towards your granny.

DH is the problem.

What a complete and utter entitled wanker. And you have modified your behaviour so as not to cause friction.

OP hasn’t stated her (two) DCs’ ages but says DC1 is 5 years older. Doesn’t require 2 people to read to and put 2 DC to bed.

Your dh is an arse. You dm is clearly not sitting on her arse when she visits you, she has caring responsibilities and I think hosting her for one or two nights per month while she looks after your GM is not something you or your dh should begrudge.

What worries me most in your post is that you felt you couldn't discuss a potentially dangerous situation with your dh so you just sat there with something that 'posed a danger' to you and your dc's rather than have a basic discussion it with him about it. Very worrying indeed.

You need to remind your DH of his parental responsibilities. The visits sound exhausting for your DM.

I think people are being a bit OTT about the mother’s responsibilities. She helps her mother two days a month - but presumably she has 28 days of suiting herself entirely. That’s not exactly an unbearable caring burden, and if she’s only in her 50s/60s she’s well able for the journey!

If the whole family are in one place, it sounds like she chose to move. Its difficult to expect family to put you up this often if she chose to move to the seaside (or possibly avoid doing any more caring than the two days a month, which is her prerogative I suppose but doesn’t make her a martyr to feminine duties of caring!)

Your DH is a CF. No one is obliged to look after your kids apart from you or DH. It's pretty telling that he wants to hand his responsibilities off the moment you/your mum are there!

Your mum drives 2+ hours to you (after work?) and he thinks she should immediately leap in to childcare duties so he can go and relax? She must be shattered, those 2 days would be exhausting. The visit also isn't all about your DC and how much leisure time your husband can get while you and your mother do all the work. It's about wider family and caring duties, plus resting enough to make the trip back safely and I guess then going to work the next day.

TonyDanza, but regardless of whether the OP's mother spends the other 28 days a month drinking gin on her sofa, it still doesn't entitle the OP's husband to assume her job when she stays is to release him from his parenting jobs.

If, as some posters have suggested, he (and to an extent the OP) feel what they think is a legitimate grievance that the OP's mother arrives at their place to stay, and creates work for them, while rushing about helping other relatives then they need to talk to her about it, and perhaps ask if she would consider staying an extra day so that they could go out in the evening occasionally, or something. Not get hot under the collar because she 'owes' them childcare so the OP's DH can have 'hobby time'.

Sometimes DH will leave the house shortly before bedtime so that DM has to help me
WTAF!?????
They are HIS children.
NOT your mums.
Her being there should make no difference to the normal routine.
Honestly!? Your DH sounds like an entitled, arrogant twat!

Does your Mum know all this? I really hope not. She's got a lot on her plate.

Your DH sounds absolutely awful. You have indeed married an arsehole.
He is BVVU. I'm sorry for your Mum OP.

Your husband is a massive cheeky fucker!! It's not your DMs job to take over his parenting role! How absurd.

Why does he assume that your DM will take over from him ? Is it because he sees child rearing as [whispers] women's work or just anyone but him? Does he ever do anything child related unless you are already engaged with the children?

Why is all that ?

How often does he hold the fort do you get a whole day away for you hobbies ?

When his parents 'do lots ' what is his DF's role?

As do often in MN, this sounds a lot like a DH problem to me.

oceanosca

Re your comment:-

"But he has an answer and an argument for everything and I can't face the battles".

Such selfish and entitled types like you describe of your H always have an answer for everything. Your above comment is also very worrying to read and this is also how he controls you within this situation. He knows all too well you cannot and or are unwilling to say anything. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

It is nit DMs job to parent your children its yours and your husbands,He is ridiculous to expect her to take over when she is there.He is being very unreasonable.