Increasing conflict between DH and DM

[Oceanosca]

An argument has not occurred yet but I feel there may be one brewing.

DM lives around 150 miles away and visits monthly, we don't visit her as she rents out her spare room to a friend.
She tends to visit for 1-2 nights each month and during her visits she sees my elderly grandmother and my sister too. She also shops for my grandmother and cleans her house. I have 2 DCs also. So she has a lot to squeeze in to a very short time frame.

DH is getting increasingly frustrated that DM does not do more to help us with childcare when she visits. DM is unreliable at times and will cancel and rearrange visits or is often late to arrive and early to leave so it affects me too as I miss her and feel rejected at times.

However, DH is more annoyed that DM does not do enough to relieve DH of doing his share of the responsibilties at home, such as DC1s bedtime during visits.

I BF DC2 so am busy doing his bedtime, DH usually puts DC1 to bed (5 year age gap so he has a big boy story etc). When DM visits DH will assume DM will put DC1 to bed so that he can go out or work on his car etc. But DM will often leave before bedtime, often to visit my grandmother, but I too think that she perhaps finds the bedtime routine a bit mundane.

Sometimes DH will leave the house shortly before bedtime so that DM has to help me and she has voiced her frustrations that he just assumes she will take over from him. DH keeps complaining to me that DM should want to do more with the DCs such as bedtime when she visits and compares her to his very helpful, very generous parents.

I have always known that DM is unreliable, but the constant comparing to DH's parents and his expectations of her is getting me down. I wish she was different but she's not and I feel better accepting that. She loves her grandchildren but she's just not that practically hands-on or maternal. I do enjoy her company though when she's here and I can talk to her.

DM also supported me recently after DH left a DIY job uncompleted which posed a danger to myself and DCs. She very diplomatically and casually pinpointed the issues, but he gave her the silent treatment all evening. I was relieved that she spoke up as he completed the job right away and it had been causing me a lot of anxiety. But I couldn't face the conflict that would unravel if I were to confront him. DH then commented that he thought it rude for DM to point this out to him when she's never around herself.

Is DH right to be frustrated at my DMs lack of help with the DCs during visits? Or is he wrong to assume she will take over and relieve him of his responsibilities? He will often do his hobbies or go out with friends on the assumption that DM will somehow fill his place. I empathise with my DM for getting increasingly annoyed with DH's assumptions and expectations of her, yet in comparison to PILs, she does very little to help us.

They are both annoyed with each other yet only voice their issues to me and I'm confused. Nobody however seems to be that bothered about giving me a break!

Gosh OP, no one is getting paid to listen to your problems and give you support and advice.
It seems that you are able to recognise your work load but not your mum's.
You say she sometimes cancels - I suspect she cancels for a reason - and your husband is upset because it disturbs his plans to do his own thing - can't you really see how entitled that sounds? Assuming he can allocate your mum's time?
My MIL stays with us every week. She's lovely and I expect nothing from her. I cook and my DH spends the day filling her up with tea and biscuits. It wouldn't even cross my mind to have her do anything let alone assume she would and leave my husband to do everything.
I think you are right to be angry but you are directing your anger at the wrong people.

Your husband is being an entitled arse to think your mother should be doing his parenting share for him just because she's visiting.

It's not her job to do his parenting jobs; it's his.

She also has a mother to do things for herself, so really not her job to do his jobs.

It is irrelevant what his parents may or may not do when they visit. Completely irrelevant.

Tell your DH to grow up and stop expecting other people to do his share so he can piss off. When do you get to just piss off? Does he ever even do the harder bedtime routine for your SN child? Does he ever do both? Ask him that...

Oh, and let me guess: his parents do his share so he can piss off, but he wants your mother do do his share so he can piss off, too ,... ask him why it wouldn't be you that gets to piss off for some down time if your mother was helping. Has that even occurred to him?

I think you must know after reading this thread (and probably before you posted) your dh is a selfish sexist crap father (begrudging his child a bedtime story ffs) and your dm presumably didn't ask you to have children and that it you did she would provide free childcare and housekeeping?

Did you or your H ask for your DM’s input when you decided to have children? Did you heck! The idea that she should only be relieving him of his parental responsibilities, is some sexist bull crap that you really should not be buying into.

The truth is you married an entitled arse, whose prepared to bully and manipulate you and It isn’t your mother’s job to help him do tho.

Never even occurred to me that perhaps DM would rather finish off DC2s bedtime after the breastfeed whilst DH continued with DC1 as normal to give me a break instead of him. Obviously, if she wanted to and had nowhere else to be of course.

I completely agree that what PILs do for us is irrelevant. Although, interestingly, they don't do anything at all for their elderly DM and it gets left to the other females of the family to care for her (she is FILs mother). So completely different perspectives on priorities. DM feels much more of a need to help her DM than PILs do and PILS no doubt go over and above for their grown-up children instead. I will point this difference out to DH.

The other problem is that DH's best friend leaves the lions share of the childcare to his wife as he has a second job/hobby. His wife's mother is very hands-on to compensate so DH seems to think that the maternal grand-parent should play this sort of role. I too think that this is often how it is, but we need to come to terms with DM not being able to fulfil this role when infact she lives so far away.

She only visits our town once a month and stays with us 1 visit out of 3.

I' glad you can see the wider issues and the your DH is being unreasonable in his expectations. In all of this he seems to be overlooking that each family is unique, you have a DC with additional needs and he needs to crack on and go above and beyond to do his share of the parenting.

DH seems to think that the maternal grand-parent should play this sort of role. I too think that this is often how it is, but we need to come to terms with DM not being able to fulfil this role when infact she lives so far away.

You need to come to term with your DM having absolutely no responsibility to look after your children. Your childcare is not her role! She doesn't need a reason or to be unable ... she isn't your childcare!

You don't seem to see your mum as an autonomous individual. Your poor mum. She probably dreads the tension and passive aggressiveness when she visits but she keeps visiting anyway because she loves you.

'I actually think the problem here is his parents helping out or treating him like a child and doing everything for him'

That's exactly what I thought from the OP. Maybe if they weren't soo helpful he'd be a bit less entitled!

My parents live locally (I have three kids, all younger and the youngest two have Sen. Youngest of them all have severe Sen). My parents don’t offer to help with bed time and often my dm expects to be waited on. Your dh needs to pitch in. Your mum has done her share of raising kids. If she helps, brilliant but it’s not for your dh to bugger off to do his hobby and expecting your dm to slot in and do his share of household stuff.

DH seems to think that the maternal grand-parent should play this sort of role. I too think that this is often how it is, but we need to come to terms with DM not being able to fulfil this role when infact she lives so far away.

Please consider that while this might be the case for some, even many people , the responsibility for parenting sits firmly with the parents. If he is taking breaks to do his hobby and leaving you without a break then that is who he is.

It is not about your DM's priorities, it's about him not accepting his equal, fair share of the parenting responsibilities for his children.

Instead of blaming his attitude on his friend, why is he not setting a great example as a hands in, capable father.

Oh, the old maternal grandmother chestnut. We don't expect either of our parents to help out with childcare.

My DM isn't physically up to it, and isn't particularly hands on anyway. DH's parents are very very hands on GPs. It helps that there are 2 of them, and they are in good health. The only problem is that they are only hands on with their DD's children. Ours don't get a look in, because he isn't a daughter. They expect my DM to do the GM thing, because I'm the daughter

The thing is, we have to accept that they have no obligation at all towards our DC in terms of help. It is hard though sometimes to accept crumbs when you know there is a feast on the table.

Sorry they aren't more helpful with your DCs Nigella. Must ne extremely frustrating when they are so helpful with other GCs. It seems people are steeped in old fashioned, non-sensical beliefs to do with gender etc even in this day and age!

This is just all excuses every marriage is different so tell the selfish prick he needs to step up to his responsibility and not try to palm it off. Stop excepting it OP, grow some balls as they say.

By the sound of it, it might be easier if your mum didn't stay with you. She can arrange a time for a quick visit, if possible when your husband isn't home. Then she can relax and enjoy seeing you and the kids without the expectation of helping.

Your poor mother sounds exhausted.

Your DH sounds exhausting. What a man baby.

Your DH is being BU. Grandparents are there for the fun stuff or emergencies and parenting two small children is relentless. You just have to plod your way through it, it doesn't last forever.

I assume all the help his parents give supports you and gives you a break. And he soldiers on while you hobby or rest. Right? Or is everyone supposed to give him a break?

Your both being unreasonable and entitled there are thousands of people who don't have help and support from families whingeing because your mom cancels last minute sometimes is ridiculous

She looks after her own mom that isn't easy

She visits your sister and you plus her mom in one weekend and you want her to "pull her weight" because what? You cook her a meal and give her a drink? Unless its unicorn tears it's not much of an effort

Having a child with sen is no excuse it's your child you deal with it, it's your baby you feed it, your the parents take responsibility and stop expecting everyone else to do it for you

I'm embarrassed for you

And I'm out

I am shocked your DM is expected to not only look after her mother but then give your lazy arse husband a 'break'. She no doubt want to help you, not him to do even less than usual. Maybe point that out to him?

It seems people are steeped in old fashioned, non-sensical beliefs to do with gender etc even in this day and age!

And by people, you mean your H and yourself for even entertaining his bs.

DH's best friend leaves the lions share of the childcare to his wife as he has a second job/hobby. His wife's mother is very hands-on to compensate so DH seems to think that the maternal grand-parent should play this sort of role. I too think that this is often how it is, but we need to come to terms with DM not being able to fulfil this role when infact she lives so far away.

Er, no. Your dh's friend is taking the absolute piss - and his wife is enabling it and his MIL is enabling it. It is not a model of behaviour you should be emulating.

Maybe your mum changes dates she comes and is unreliable precisely because she's being expected to pick up your crappy husband's slack.

I've no idea why you think your dh's hobby should be more important than the women in the family, that's some pretty effed up thinking. But then you're so cowed by him, you can't get him to put something dangerous right. You really need to stop drinking his Kool-Aid.

Your DH is the problem.

Your DM has even supported you when he has been unreasonable in the past.

But it will probably have to get worse before you will admit it even to yourself.

Your DH needs to grow up and shed his man child costume

He's your Leonel, it your DM, she's trying to support her own mum from a long distance
I'm sure she didn't even think about reading to your children as she's got other responsibilities which FAR outweigh your husbands need to tinker with a car to bugger off out on a hobby

And bloody good for your DM to point out to your husband the dangerous situation he's putting his wife and children in with his cocked up DIY - who gives a monkeys if it upset him- he needs a fast grow the fuck up kick up the arse IMO

*leonel ?! =problem