I now remember an earlier post of yours regarding what your nephew said. It is heartbreaking that you have been ruminating on this for so long. I am angry with him for not giving you the headspace to recover from his abuse of you, but can you see that this is merely the continuation of the control he exerted over you in marriage - creating that state of loss and confusion? Still creating uncertainty with mixed messages so you don’t know where you stand with him and cannot move on. Making you meals (I know in your absence) but ignoring you! He is playing a game.
My heart breaks that you will not get the logic and the closure and the answers you deserve - because there aren’t any. Often women torture themselves with - what is the reason? He was nice to the kids but cold to me. He was nice to her but not to me. What could I have changed or done differently?
(He knew you could overhear when he spoke to that woman.)
The answer is - nothing. It wasn’t you. It was him.
He will be carrying this through to his next relationship, and the next one after that, and the next one after that. Unless he has his own counselling, his maladies cannot be fixed by a ‘right’ person. I’ll repeat - it was nothing you did, there was and is nothing you could do. It is purely him.
Every time you find your mind wandering to his life, who he’s with, what he’s doing, what his motivations are - just notice, without giving yourself a hard time about it, just how much time and headspace he is taking up.
I truly believe a great counsellor - and it’s brilliant you have this in mind, and like I say don’t be afraid to try a few people out of the first one doesn’t sit right - will be able to alter your perspective on the whole relationship. Part of this will be your own discovery that you, under no circumstances, will wish to return to any sort of relationship with him. As a consequence of that, those moments you are experiencing now where you feel his physical absence as pain, will indeed become relief; in time a circumspect gratitude that you were able to have and raise your children together, but no more.
I would continue to keep a diary, maybe a little notebook, and note down in detail incidents from the past that he has done, when they flash back to you, and how they made you feel. You can take it out and reread it in moments of weakness and ask yourself, are those the actions of someone who loved me.
It fans the flames that he has given a version to his family that you cannot challenge. How frustrating that must be.
Do you find he scapegoats one of the children, or treats them all quite equally?
And, do look into the Freedom Program if you haven’t already? You can do it online if you aren’t able to in person, though it’s always recommended to do it in person if you possibly can. Each tiny step you take is a great feat considering what you have been, and are going, through. 