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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think if your ex

145 replies

why100000 · 23/02/2019 19:49

If your ex, whom you weren’t on speaking terms with, but who regularly saw your kids, started doing the following - what would you think -

Leaving portions of food for you for when you got home from work (he comes to my house almost every day and cooks the dc their dinner - by the time I come home he has left) - he tells the kids to leave some food for me.

Dropping takeaway off for the dc at the weekend and there is (blatantly) enough for you as well.

Talking to one of your dc about you in general - what music you used to like, how you used to drink a lot of water (true) - stuff like that.

What would you think?

Clutching at straws I know

Bearing in mind it was a really difficult divorce.

OP posts:
Samind · 23/02/2019 20:47

I wouldn't text him. It looks like nothing has really changed for him apart from location. He still sees his kids and comes into your home now to cook etc and has a sense of being familiar thing but doesn't text you back when it comes to your children? I think there's something amiss there.

Samind · 23/02/2019 20:48

Also ostracising you for weeks? He uses communication as a punishment. Maybe part of him knows the children will mention these things to you. Maybe reading too much into it...

GinandGingerBeer · 23/02/2019 20:49

It sounds like you were in an abusive relationship from the bits you've posted. (Being ostracised which I take to mean prolonged silent treatment?)
It's normal to feel a sense of loss because you get used to the abuse the familiarity of it all, that was your life and now it's gone you feel a bit lost when you know that actually you should feel relieved. I think what you're experiencing is perfectly normal.
Have you had a look at the freedom programme? Had any counselling?
Maybe write things down, the positives in your life.

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 20:50

Yes I agree - but there doesn’t seem to be any other solution - it is weird I know.

Yes I should make an effort regarding time for me Samind, but I find it a little hard because I am always with the dc (well, they’re being teenagers in their rooms, and I am downstairs), and I sometimes feel too down to think of anything beyond home / work stuff.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 20:50

Sorry - missed some posts.

I was agreeing with the fact that it is strange that he is in the house so much.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 20:53

Yes, the silent treatment - yes, as punishment.

I did have counselling while the divorce was going through, and am going again in a couple of weeks as it has suddenly got very hard.

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Motherofcreek · 23/02/2019 20:53

Just caught up with the thread and I’ve changed my mind

This would be scary as I am used to being ostracised by him (one of the reasons for the divorce) - so now of course he doesn’t talk to me at all - since I divorced him

He would ostracise me for weeks if there was something which kind of tipped him over the edge - while we were married that is

For this reason alone I wouldn’t have him in your home. You have to make that break. Your still in his cycle of being drawn in then ostracised if you slight him. Your divorced yet he still has you worrying about what he is doing. Your still walking on egg shells.

Samind · 23/02/2019 20:55

Solution is teenagers can be taught how to cook or get slow cooker on in morning. It just twigged how strong you are when I was reading! What a tough woman you are. You are working, raising children, and putting your house the way you want it. You need time for you!! That's crazy to be so selfless. And yes I have a baby myself but one day she'll fly the nest. It's so important for your self esteem to do things for you! I think you're doing a great job but I would continue the thought process that you divorced for a reason. And your reasons should be your fuel to find time for you to find what you need/deserve.

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 20:57

But if I say he can’t come here at all I would really upset the dc (two of them anyway), and he literally wouldn’t see them for days.

I think during the week is fine (even though I occasionally have to stay out later because he is still there), it’s the coming into the house when I am there which is the killer.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 20:58

Thank you Samind, you are very kind.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:00

I guess there is a lot of guilt attached to the divorce, which stops me from doing other stuff.

Also, am a bit down sometimes and a lot is things seem pointless.

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Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:01

of

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Motherofcreek · 23/02/2019 21:02

why it really is down to your husband to find a suitable place for him and the kids. He is keeping a very close eye on you I’m this situation

Decormad38 · 23/02/2019 21:03

That he is experiencing guilt!

Samind · 23/02/2019 21:04

It is your home. And if you're happy enough to let him come over for the kids then keep your arrangement but I definitely would not go back there. Communication is one of the biggest tools needed in a relationship and my partner and I struggle with it at times tbh and if I've ever sulked for a day or two it's to stop myself saying something I don't mean. He used it to punish you. What are you finding hard about the whole situation? Is it seeing him and not being with him or just seeing him in general? Is it still using lack of communication as a punishment? You're allowed to feel all sorts of feelings in these situations. You haven't failed your children by getting a divorce. Surely it's better to see two separate stable parents? Good idea on the counselling front. I've had some myself years ago when leaving a mentally and emotionally abusive man and it took a while to get though it but it's worth wile. Mumsnet is usually full of kind would and people with different experiences and wisdom.Smile

mummmy2017 · 23/02/2019 21:04

So long as he keeps walking into the house anytime he likes, as some point, you need to realise this is your home as well as the children's
You need to tell your children that it is causing you pain, that your ex is in the house, ask them how they think this can change.

mummmy2017 · 23/02/2019 21:06

Oh when I had to avoid someone, but couldn't I got Mama Mia on YouTube, and used to play it as I walked past...
As said find your happy thing

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:11

The guilt is more regarding him as he has lost the home he really loved. The divorce was partly for the dc because I didn’t want them to grow up thinking this is what marriage is like.

As part of the settlement I got the main home, and ex got several smaller assets but equal in value to what I got (though who actually knows). The long and the short of it is that instead of selling those assets to get something bigger, ex is adding to them - he bought a plot of land and is building himself a house. While living in a - completely unsuitable for the dc - property that he owns.

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MadeForThis · 23/02/2019 21:14

My suspicion is that he is playing the nice guy in front of the dc. Wants to appear as reasonable and kind in front of them.

BUT

In private to you he ignores messages and won't communicate. I would be wary of him trying to manipulate the dc.

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:16

I completely agree that communication is one of the most important things.

mummy2017 - yes it would be easier if at the weekend ex waited outside for anyone who was going out with him - I guess that would then mean that he couldn’t even say hi to the others.

I think he is keeping a close eye yes. I guess he feels that he has been turfed out of his home and has to live away from his kids, so he wants to a. see them (of course) and b. check that “the experiment” (how he, during the divorce, referred to the fact that they would be living primarily with me in the first instance) is going okay.

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HappyBumbleBee · 23/02/2019 21:17

I had a quick read of your other thread OP - am I right in thinking the divorce has been quite recent?
It really sounds like the radiation is shining in - for him (maybe he's split with the ow) and he's beginning to realise how badly he has behaved?
It also sounds like anger, hurt and survival instinct has got you this far and you are now having to deal with alot of emotion you possibly buried?
Focus on yourself - maybe your DC have mentioned how down they think you are?
Either way, you need to begin focusing on mensing yourself. To go back into a relationship with your ex hubby (might be what he's hankering for too) would be a mistake until you've began to love yourself again and are stronger emotionally to lay down some very very firm ground rules if that were to ever happen.
Keep doing what you're doing for now, pull on your big girl pants and start facing him with non committal politeness - it will get easier, I promise.
I really wish you well OP and hope you begin to feel better soon xxx

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:18

Made - yes can be manipulative in general.

And the silence is definitely punishing.

I have got used to living with the ostracism however - to the extent that I walked away.

But it has left a lot of damage - all of it - the last few years of the marriage and the divorce.

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HappyBumbleBee · 23/02/2019 21:19

Realisation is sinking in

lovemenot · 23/02/2019 21:22

The first time I split with my ex, he did this. Hoovered me right back in. Took me another 10 years to get out again.

Original poster
why100000 · 23/02/2019 21:24

Yes @HappyBumbleBee quite recent - he moved out last April and we have been divorced since November.

It also sounds like anger, hurt and survival instinct has got you this far and you are now having to deal with alot of emotion you possibly buried?

Yes - completely.

Yes - I agree re pulling myself together and the ground rules that would have to be in place - I would have to get him to sign a treaty Grin.

Non-committal politeness - I could try, but the fear of rejection is very big.

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