What would you think if your ex

[why100000]

If your ex, whom you weren’t on speaking terms with, but who regularly saw your kids, started doing the following - what would you think -

Leaving portions of food for you for when you got home from work (he comes to my house almost every day and cooks the dc their dinner - by the time I come home he has left) - he tells the kids to leave some food for me.

Dropping takeaway off for the dc at the weekend and there is (blatantly) enough for you as well.

Talking to one of your dc about you in general - what music you used to like, how you used to drink a lot of water (true) - stuff like that.

What would you think?

Clutching at straws I know

Bearing in mind it was a really difficult divorce.

Whether he has another partner or not isnt actually relevant

He isn’t YOUR husband he is your ex and he is an ex because he didn’t love you properly and care for you and keep you safe and make you feel happy.

His ability to move on so quickly may feel hurtful but is simply his way of processing things and who knows how real or otherwise his new relationship is- he may simply be doing what he feels ‘men’ do or covering his own hurt and emotions.

You have to see him as an ex
And sharing space with him especially in such a dysfunctional way is not right

You tried plenty long enough and leaving you the odd portion of food does NOT wipe away years of emotional abuse

Yes absolutely this - it does actually boil down to this.

And sharing space with him especially in such a dysfunctional way is not right

Yes - completely dysfunctional, I know .

He isn’t YOUR husband he is your ex and he is an ex because he didn’t love you properly and care for you and keep you safe and make you feel happy.

No he didn’t love me properly - but the adjustment regarding him not being my husband any more I am finding very hard all of a sudden.

The immediate divorce anger having subsided, it’s as if the mountain of grief I have to wade through is suddenly huge, and I wasn’t expecting it.

He.is.your.ex.it.is.no.longer.the.family.home.

I think I might be frustrating you monty.

What you say is true both on paper and in reality, but I think it takes time for the whole of your being to catch up, and the emotions involved in that are hard and include (in my case) this awful grief.

It might be easier to move on if the family home had been sold during the divorce - at least then both parties would be on neutral and new ground.

I guess people try to muddle through unchartered territory, and it can be a bit of a mess in the short and hopefully not long term.

OP I know. But you need boundaries otherwise you can't move on. been there and feel your pain

Separating in slo-mo like this is keeping you trapped. You need your own time and space not this halfway house you're living in. He needs to see your children elsewhere.

I had the same thought as SandyY2K. If it wasn't for the fact that he was sending over takeaways that his children might eat too, I'd be wondering what he's been putting in it.

I'd think he was being a decent human being and showing you courtesy and respect for the sake of your DC. More divorced parents should do this IMO.

It does seem a bit odd that someone you don't speak to is in your house though

it would be easier if at the weekend ex waited outside for anyone who was going out with him - I guess that would then mean that he couldn’t even say hi to the others

You say your children are teenagers... They can walk outside and say hello. He doesn't need to come in on the weekend.

And in the week you need to have fixed times. He has to be out before you get home. Get your solicitor to tell him maybe.

Also you need to start making friends and going out. Your kids are teenagers. They can look after themselves for a few hours. Teach them to cook an egg, cook pasta, use a microwave and cook a pizza.

Councelling will really help you, you're so so strong, but you need support.

Can I say thank you to all who have posted on my thread - it has really helped with my latest awful grief episode. I am sure there will be more, but I will try and deal with them one by one.

For quite a few years before we got divorced ex showed me no affection or interest and was fairly regularly unkind in different ways, so there are very valid reasons for our separation.

I guess I have to hold on to that and yes - a few portions of food left for me are neither here nor there.

(Much as I appreciate it as I get home from work quite late and then don’t have to cook for myself!)

Time to not hide,. You can be strong, the more you hide, the worse it gets.
The more you just walk past him or just say evening, the less it matters
But like you say your main problem is your too nice, worry about your children and him , more than you are doing for yourself...
Set some rules,. After 6, no visitors, to be agreed with you, this includes their dad....
Tell your children since you do not have a right to access to their dads home, you feel this is a compromise .

He is continuing to emotionally abuse you.

While he continues to set foot in your house and treat it like he still has a right to be there, he prevents you from grieving and getting over him.

Divorce was the first step away from his abuse, now you need to take another one.

He can see teenage kids anywhere he does not need to be in your house.

He should not cross the threshold, never mind make you food, all while blanking you, it's weird and controlling x

No, you're not too nice, he's nasty, and he will not change, but by staying in your life he is able to encroach on you, and he knows better than you do that he is over-stepping your boundaries. It's why he's doing it.

Shut the door, instruct DC not to answer it when you're not there and make it clear he must make a plan to have them over to dinner if that's what he wants.

He will not, and has not changed. Imagine yourself doing this, turn the tables and imagine yourself walking into his home and how that would feel?!? Weird, wrong...just make it stop.

There is never a reason an ex has to be in your home again, its over and he's not in your life that was the whole point of suffering a nasty divorce.

Boundaries.

Just keep building them.

What a horrible person. Doesn’t reply to your text messages; you can’t be sure whether he’d blank you (in your own home!) if you were to say a simple hello: and I have a suspicion he came off rather well financially in the divorce but has concealed this. He is continuing to manipulate you and you are (probably unwittingly) allowing it. For heaven’s sake, you are having tender thoughts toward him and don’t even know whether he’s in a relationship - and he is still so abusive in the same way he used to be, you daren’t even ask lest he ignores or lies to you! He even lies to your children about the relationship, and it has got to where they are discussing the photos in his house with you? Like with the food, he is using them to extend control over you. You must do the Freedom Programme, if you haven’t already. And you must make it a priority to find a good counsellor to, as PinaColada states above, rebuild your boundaries and help you see this situation for what it really is. There is no chance of this whilst he continues to take the piss and has you scared of being ignored, and hiding, in your own property, whenever he damn well pleases. The children do NOT benefit from seeing him exert this control, and have this effect, on you - be in no doubt they will have picked up on this and it will be hugely detrimental to their future relationships, whether you have girls or boys.

Do not think for a second that if you got back together with him it would not be even more miserable than before, because now he knows he can get away with any behaviour whatsoever and still you would entertain a relationship with him.

Step 1: starting immediately, he is not to come into the house (at least for a good few months whilst you can process Steps 2 and 3 below) AT ALL. He has the financial and intellectual means necessary, and the children are of an age, where he can make other arrangements. You are doing this for your children, so you show them how it is acceptable to be treated in your own home. That if you need to run and hide from someone in your own home, or they affect your mood and happiness, or you have to anticipate mistreatment/being ignored, they do not deserve to be in that home. Full stop.
You do not have to explain why to him. ‘The arrangement is not working for me’, via text. Change the locks. Really, change the locks.
That’s it.
To the children, as was said upthread:
Dad was unkind in the past and as a result, I’m finding it hard to continue as we are, so for now, this is what we’ll need to do, and you can still see and call Dad whenever you want.

Remember: this was and is not an experiment.
You are their mother, and this is your house. Your house, your rules.

Step 2: do the Freedom Programme. Preferably in person; if not, then online.

Step 3: find a good counsellor (don’t be afraid to reject one or more if she isn’t a good fit).

I agree with every single word Abouttime1978 said. Could you invite a no nonsense friend or family member over a few times when he's due to be in your home to give you some back up?

Thanks so much for all the recent messages - and @saccade, you are completely spot on.

I just don’t know how to stem the outpouring of grief that I feel however. I feel as if my life has been ruined, and I will never get over either the negative aspects of my marriage, or the divorce.

I think I imagined somehow that ex and I would be together again - but I am realising that we won’t. I have to keep reminding myself why the divorce happened, but despite that the grief is awful.

I am going to see an old counsellor of mine in two weeks but I don’t know if I want to continue with him long term, as he is not hugely insightful about the coercive nature of my marriage.

All I can do, I suppose, is put one foot in front of the other.

My DF asks after my mum when I see him. I don't see it as him wanting to get back with her. He's just interested in her wellbeing after spending many years with her I guess. It's polite to ask when he sees me maybe? They don't have regular contact (or any at all unless they have to actually now).

If you've been abused by someone its completely weird to then be asking after them, and it puts the DC under unnecessary pressure to give information, this has to stop. Advise the DC you are not friends with him since he hurt you, so will not be telling him about your life and would expect the DC to respect that and give them an easy line to give in response, "dunno' ask her" or similar, something that a DC would normally say when not wanting to be caught up in the adult world.

Please don't feel pressured into a pretence of happiness, it will only confuse your DC and teach them you have to be nice to people who treat you badly. Show them a huge gap between him and you.

My love, this isn’t love.

It’s a very strange and complicated relationship the two of you have: it may feel like love because it’s all you’ve known, but it is not love. How he treated you is not how we treat people we love. Would you treat your worst enemy like he treats you now or treated you then? He can never deliver half of a loving relationship; it is likely he never did; if you saw a ‘good’ version of him in your early years together, that is likely because things were going his way: what you see now is who he really is, and how he treats you is proof of what he thinks of you.

I believe in time, with the assistance of a great counsellor, you will come to feel great relief you escaped when you did; and the grief will be only for what your ex lost when he failed to show the modicum of love, care and common human decency necessary to sustain a normal relationship. He had enough chances. He cannot do it. He repeatedly chose not to even when the choice was repeatedly spelled out to him. He has finally proved, he would rather lose you than treat you decently. He had the choice. That is what he chose.

I would not return to the old counsellor. No point. His lack of efficacy has been proved. Trust your instincts. They have so far done an incredible job in saving you from this marriage, and inviting you to post here.

This may be controversial but I would seek a female counsellor, and if possible one who has lengthy experience. A bonus would be one who has a history of treating victims of coercion and other forms of domestic abuse.

Your last post was a profoundly insightful step as to articulating the unrest you feel, and it may be why you feel unable to take step 1 of excluding him. Perhaps steps 2 and 3 need to come first. Keep posting your feelings as often as you feel you want to, so yes we, but more importantly you, can understand your thought process and you can look back on it as a diary.

What has helped people in the past is to write down here what the ex did. For instance, 5 incidents, or 5 specific things you are grateful not to have to live with anymore. (You don’t need to write them here if you don’t want to; a private notebook is also good. It also provides something to work with in counselling.)

You have done so much hard work already. You are doing amazingly.

Please don't feel pressured into a pretence of happiness, it will only confuse your DC and teach them you have to be nice to people who treat you badly. Show them a huge gap between him and you.

Yes, I agree. It’s hard though, knowing that the dc have to deal with this fractured family life, and have to deal with the fact that their two parents, the people who made them, are so separate and not on speaking terms.

@saccade, yes I have been thinking of just the kind of counsellor you mention.

There are so many incidents I could think of, and things I am glad I don’t have to put up with any more. His frequent silent treatments, his sometimes short temper, his sometimes sarcasm and rudeness, his control of huge financial decisions and insistence that the family home be in his name only, his lack of affection and any interest in me, his secrecy, his irrationality, and on and on.

Yet I was not perfect in the relationship either. There are things I could have done differently - but I don’t think they equate to the arsenal of defensive and controlling measures he deployed in my regard.

We were friends for a long time (more in the first half of the relationship), and enduring his pain when he realised the divorce was happening, was very very hard. It haunts me a bit. In many ways he did treat me badly, but he never thought I would leave .

He can never deliver half of a loving relationship - maybe he is much kinder to his new person if she is still around - just loves her more. I guess we had got so tangled up in our dysfunctional dynamic, that anyone would seem nicer than me.